Chapter Thirty
Serena
It’s been a couple of weeks since my encounter with Josephine at my house and, thankfully, I haven’t heard anything from her since. I suspect Cade probably called her and told her to back off, but he won’t admit it if he did.
My conversation with Cade from that night replays over and over in my head. Things have really started to become serious between us and I know I am falling deeply for him, as is Alan. I love watching Cade and Alan together, but I am also racked with guilt because I cannot find the words to tell Cade the truth, a truth he deserves more than anyone.
I’m in my office grading papers when my phone rings. I glance at the screen and seeing Ashley’s name, so I pick it up. She doesn't usually call me during the middle of the day so I’m curious.
“Hello?”
“Serena! Where are you?”
She sounds frantic. “Ash, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, just, where are you?”
“I’m in my office.”
“You need to go to XYZ right now.”
“XYZ? The gossip site? Ash, what are you doing on a site like that?”
“How else would I understand the celebrity psyche, Serena?”
I laugh lightly as I turn on my computer and click around. “What kind of psyche are you trying to unlock, sis? Is this for a new project?”
“It’s my guilty pleasure, you caught me. Now, hurry up.”
“Okay, okay, I’m going as fast as I can. You know my internet is terribly slow in here.”
“I know. You’d think a major university could spring for better Wi-Fi.”
“Okay, what am I looking at?” I ask as the page begins to load.
“You’ll see.”
“Or you could just tell me.”
“No, you have to see it for yourself.”
I sigh at my sister’s level of cryptic avoidance, but let the page load. As it does, my eyes grow wide and my jaw drops. There on the front page of the world's most popular gossip site is an incredibly grainy photo of Cade and I out to dinner last week. And in between us, thankfully hidden in the shadows is Alan.
I feel the air rush from my lungs and my heart pounds like it might beat out of my chest. The headline screams out at me in bold. “CADE THOMAS SECRET LOVE CHILD REVEALED!”
The article isn’t any better, full of speculation and innuendo, and you can’t clearly make out Alan in the photo. I’m still the unidentified woman – which I’ve never been more thankful for in my life, to be just some unknown notch in Cade’s bed post.
“Are you still there?” Ashley asks, breaking my thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m here,” my words stumble out.
“You’ve told him, right?”
“Actually, no, I haven’t.”
“Serena!” she gasps. “You haven’t told him?” she whispers.
“I don’t know how to. And why are you whispering?”
“Because this is scandalous and isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Serena, you have to tell him.”
“I know, but-”
“No buts,” she cuts me off. “He’s Alan’s father and you have to tell him before this gets any worse.”
“How do you think he’ll react?”
“I don’t know. He adores Alan.”
“Yeah, but right now he’s just his little buddy, his girlfriend’s kid. He doesn't owe him anything right now, but when I tell him the truth, what if it changes everything?”
“I just can’t picture it changing things for him, Serena. Cade seems to be pretty solid about you, and I’ve seen him with Alan. He loves him.”
“Yeah, but most guys find out about the kid after they're out or right before and it’s why they leave. How do you suppose a guy takes the news upon re-entering your life?”
“I don’t know, but whatever you think is going to happen, I don’t think it will be that bad. You should have already done it so you weren't in this predicament, but what’s done is done.”
“I know. God, I just told him I didn’t have any skeletons in my closet. I’m the actual worst,” I lament.
“You’re not,” Ashley reassures me. “You’re trying to protect Alan...and your heart.”
“I’ve tried to protect it too much. Cade has asked about Alan’s dad, but he’s never pushed for the story. If he had, maybe I would’ve told him. Instead, he gave me an out every time, and I clammed up.”
“Well, now you have to woman up and tell him.”
“I will.”
“Where have I heard that before?”
“I mean it this time. The next time I see him, I’ll tell him. It's not something I want to do over the phone. He deserves to hear it from me in person, and I deserve whatever happens when I tell him the truth, good or bad.”
“It’ll be fine, Serena.”
“You don’t know that,” I argue.
“No, but I feel it. Just have faith in what you guys have. It’ll work out.”
“I hope so. I need to get back to grading these papers. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Serena?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t think about it too much. It’s going to be okay. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Ash. Bye.”
I hang up and set my phone aside, but instead of returning to my work, I start to re-read the article and then the comments. I know it’s a mistake, but I can’t stop myself, and soon I am down the rabbit hole of internet gossip. I feel tears burn at my eyes, and finally I turn the computer off, taking several deep breaths to try and calm my racing heart.
There is a knock at my office door, and I swipe quickly at my eyes. Before I can call out, the door cracks open and Gus peeks his head in. “Hey, I thought you might need this,” he says, opening the door and stepping inside, quickly shutting it behind him and walking to my desk. He passes me a coffee cup before he sits. “You okay?”
“You saw it?”
He nods. “Tommy saw it and texted me. Those guys are slime balls, Serena. Putting a picture of your kid on the internet like that. Just like cockroaches, you know? Just don’t read the comments.”
“Too late,” I admit.
“It’s a bunch of lame asses sitting at home passing judgement. They don’t know shit.”
“Yeah... Thank God they don’t know who we are.”
He frowns. “About that...”
“What?”
“Some kids from your class last year, the one Cade crashed? They posted pictures online and then some other students started connecting the dots and they all think it’s you in the picture. It’s all anyone is talking about on campus, and it’s starting to gain traction on social media. If your accounts aren’t already private, I’d make them that way fast.”
“Oh God,” I immediately go back to my laptop.
“Have you talked to Cade?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
Gus looks at the stack of papers from the intro to physics class and scoops them up. “I know you like grading these, but I’m your TA; let me handle these and you go home. Or if you need to, I’ll have Tommy meet us for wine.”
“Wine sounds really awesome right now, but I think I just need to go home and hold my kid, you know?”
“I get it. I’ll finish grading these tonight. Go home and be with Alan.”
I nod. “Thanks, Gus. You’re a great TA and an even better person.”
***
I manage to get off campus without drawing any extra attention and make the drive home. Ashley picks Alan up for me at daycare, and I start dinner for us while I wait. Cade calls, but I ignore his call. He texts, but I ignore those, too. I hear Ashley in the driveway then and turn my phone off as she and Alan enter the house.
Alan heads upstairs to his room, leaving Ashley and I alone.
“How are you?” she asks.
“I’m just trying to decompress and process still.”
“They know who you are,” she informs me.
“I know. Gus told me. He stopped by shortly after I got off the phone with you.”
“Have you talked to Cade, did he call you?”
“He called. I didn’t answer.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not ready. This is a lot to take in.”
“I get that you being on a gossip site is a lot, but it’s going to be a whole lot more if you don’t talk to Cade and tell him the truth before someone else manages to find out and do it.”
“I know, Ashley. You don’t have to remind me.”
“Oh, but I think you do need reminding because you are two months into this relationship with Cade, and you have yet to tell him he’s Alan’s father. That’s not right, Serena.”
“I know it’s not right,” I hiss at her hotly. “But it’s my life, Ashley, and I can't just take a damn wrecking ball to it. What if this thing with Cade doesn't work out? What if he walks away when I tell him?”
“What if he doesn’t? What if a family is all Cade has ever wanted, and what if he could have that with you?”
I sigh because I know Ashley could be right. I could be messing up something really fantastic, and I’m letting fear get the best of me. I can’t let my own demons stand in the way of what is happening between Cade and I – and I really can’t let them stand in the way of Alan knowing his dad and giving Cade a chance to be that guy.
“Just give me some time to sort this out in my head, Ashley, and then I will tell Cade. I will tell him all of it. I promise.”