Chapter Twelve

Harper

I was sitting in the room looking at myself in the mirror and laughing at my hair. I had to keep wearing a hat because of the sun, and it was starting to give an unfortunate case of hat hair. I looked ridiculous. I brushed it down and wondered if there was anything that I could do for it. But I wasn’t sure that any amount of products would help. The air was very different to New York, and I just didn’t have the right products for it. I knew that my hair would eventually adjust to the environment, although by then it would probably be time to leave. I felt annoyed for a few seconds and then laughed it off. What did it really matter? None of the other women seemed to be obsessed with their hair, and I didn’t think anything less of them for it. If they were to judge me based on the state of my hair then perhaps I didn’t want to be friends with them anyway. Although I was sure nobody here was going to judge me. It was an interesting way of looking at life, and I wondered if I would be able to adopt it when I got back to the city. It felt nice to not care as much for a change. Although, fashion would always be a part of me. But instead of heels perhaps I could look at getting myself some nice boots. Something that was comfortable while still fashionable.

I was surprised at how easy I had settled into life at the ranch. It was only the afternoon of the third day, and already I was more relaxed than I was when I had first stepped off that shuttle bus. To think that I almost had not even come. It would’ve been a shame. This was definitely something that everyone should experience, even if it only served to make you appreciate your life a little more. I was sure I could rough it a bit more now, although by the end of the stay I would probably be very excited to go back home to my comfort.

When Jillian walked into the room, I could immediately see that something was wrong. She looked deflated and more tired than usual. This was supposed to be a holiday but she didn’t seem to be sleeping well, and I could see that something was on her mind. I figured she was still thinking about Thomas and I didn’t want to bring it up all the time. But I couldn’t avoid the topic any longer. Something was wrong, and I needed to find out what it was.

“Jill, what’s going on? You don’t look happy. Did something happen?”

She flopped onto the bed and sighed. “No, nothing happened. I’m fine.”

“You can talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. I can tell that something has happened.”

“Ah, I feel so bad that I brought you to this place. You didn’t even want to come, and I forced you here. And now you have to put up with all of this, and I know that it’s not your scene. I just feel guilty. That’s all. I hate that I’ve made you do something that you didn’t want to do. That’s not me being a very good friend to you, is it? I should have listened to you when you told me that you didn’t want to come. Instead, I practically forced you here.”

I immediately felt bad for complaining so much in the beginning. I didn’t think she’d take it so personally. “Oh, Jillian, I’m so sorry. Yeah, I wasn’t too keen on the whole thing, but I was just joking around most of the time. I’m actually very happy to be here with you, and I just want the two of us to have a good time. I’m sorry for making you feel like you’ve forced me into this because that’s not the truth at all. I like spending time with you. Don’t feel bad at all.”

“Well, okay, that’s good… I guess…” she trailed off.

I frowned. “Jillian, it’s not just that, is it? What’s going on?”

“Ah, I just feel bad. You’re right. I’m the one that forced you to do this, but I’m the one that is not having a good time. I don’t know, Harper… this whole thing… it’s just not working out the way I thought it would. Not at all really.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. I had no idea she was feeling this bad. She’d been so enthusiastic at the start. Although that should’ve been the first clue. She had been a little bit too enthusiastic, as if she was forcing herself to have a good time even though she wasn’t. I felt bad now for not asking her about it before.

“I’m not enjoying it,” she said softly and then looked up at me. “It wasn’t at all what I was expecting. Not that I really knew what to expect, if I’m to be honest. I was hoping for a whole bunch of hot cowboys, and I thought I’d be so great with all the animals. But I’m not. I’m terrible at all of this. You know how much I was looking forward to riding horses. I couldn’t stop talking about it. Well, I certainly made a fool of myself there. Hell, I fell off. Twice. And it’s not even just the horses. The sheep don’t even like me. What did I ever do to them? I feel like I’m the opposite of a cowgirl. I’m the anti-cowgirl. And I hate that.”

“You don’t need to be good with animals, Jill. You live in New York City. You don’t work with animals. When are you ever going to have an interaction with a sheep again? Who cares if they like you or they don’t like you? What does it really matter at the end of the day? And who cares if you’re not a cowgirl? Hell, neither am I. Nobody in our group is good at any of this; that’s why we’re all from the city. We’re city people. We’re just here to experience a different life, but we’re not here to prove a point or to be good at it. You’re being way too hard on yourself.”

She went silent for a bit, and then finally nodded. “Yeah. I guess so. I guess you’re right.”

I sighed. “This has nothing to do with the ranch, does it?”

“What do you mean?”

“This is about Thomas, isn’t it? You can be honest with me about this. That’s what I’m here for. You know you can talk to me about anything. You miss him, don’t you? I’m guessing your heart is just not in this. I know that you were supposed to come here with him. This can’t be easy for you.”

She nodded. “I’m so sorry. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I really do appreciate you coming with me, Harper. I really do. I guess I just thought I’d come here and forget about him.”

“I know you do. It’s okay. You have the right to feel any way you like. Tell me what’s going on with you. I’m your best friend. That’s what I’m here for. You’re allowed to feel this way. If you want to cry or scream, just go for it. Stick your head in the pillow and scream. Or just scream out loud. That will give Jackson something to talk about. He’ll think there’s some wild animal on the loose or something.”

She laughed a little at that. Jackson was already the source of many of our jokes. “Thanks, Harper. I was really hoping that this trip would get Thomas out of my mind. I had fully planned on coming here and not thinking about him once. I thought it would make me see that I am fine without him. But the opposite went and happened, and now all I can think about is him. He’s on my mind constantly. I guess that’s why I’m so bad with the animals and why I fell off the horse. I’m not really here. My mind is elsewhere all the time, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m sorry, Harper. I’m such a mess.”

“You’re not a mess. You’re just going through a tough time. You still love him, don’t you?”

She nodded. “I know I shouldn’t. But yeah, I do. I still love him. It’s hard to just suddenly stop loving someone, as much as I’m trying to.”

“You don’t need to apologize. You’ve been going out with the guy for a year. You can’t just flip love off like a switch. It’s not going to go away overnight. You are being too hard on yourself. It’s okay to still miss him. You’re doing really well, Jillian. And just think, if you were back home, you would probably try and see him. At least here you’re a bit cut off from all of that. You haven’t tried to call him, have you?”

She shook her head. “I’ve come close. One time I almost did, and then we had to go see the horses, so I put my phone away. Then I just never got the chance to try again.”

“Well, there we go then. It’s good that you are here. This is exactly what you need to forget about him. It might not seem like it right now, but this is going to help you. Either you’re going to forget about Thomas and realize that you don’t need him, or else he’s going to realize that he misses you. Either way, it will come to some sort of conclusion. But if you were home you would probably be calling him, and that wouldn’t be a good thing. He’s the one that broke up with you, remember? So he’s the one that needs to come back and get you. If he loves you, it will happen.”

She smiled. “You’re right. I was really thinking about leaving here you know. But maybe I need to give it another chance.”

“You do. Also, it gets you away from all the places back home that would remind you of Thomas. Right now you need a clean break from him so that you can get your head sorted out. This is a good thing, Jillian. You’ll see.”

“You’re right. You’re right. Thanks for listening, Harper. And you sure you don’t mind being here? You’re not just saying we should stay for my benefit, are you? I know this is not really how you planned to spend your holiday.”

“I’m sure. Actually, I’m starting to like it. I’m even coming to terms with my terrible hair and all the dust. I guess I’m getting used to it. You just can’t think about things like that here. I know I’d have a terrible time if that was all I was thinking about. And it’s sort of nice not to care so much for a change.”

She looked surprised. “Wow, I never thought I’d hear you say that. It didn’t even take you all that long to get used to it either. Thanks, Harper. For everything. I really can’t thank you enough. I would be a mess without you.”

“Nah, you’d be fine. But you know I’ll always be there for you. Now, try and have a good time. Maybe if you start to enjoy it, you’ll stop thinking of Thomas altogether,” I suggested.

“I’ll try. You know it would really help if Travis could at least keep my mind off Thomas. I’ve tried flirting with him a few times now, and he just doesn’t seem interested. It’s a bit embarrassing really.”

For some reason, I found myself blushing at the thought of Travis. I thought of him helping me on the horse and the way he’d looked at me when he realized how good I was up there. “Uh, well, maybe he has a girlfriend or a wife or something.”

Jillian shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’ve checked his hand, no ring that I can see. And he has no ring mark either. Like if he was just taking the ring off every day, there would be a mark from his tan. There’s nothing. Maybe he has a girlfriend though. But I’m going to get to the bottom of it, that’s for sure. This is one mystery I want to solve. It will help get my mind off Thomas at least. Give me something to do. A little fun side project is just what I need.”

I smiled politely and told her it was a good idea. The truth was much different, though. I felt instantly jealous at the thought of Jillian with Travis. But she was going through a hard time, and if she wanted to be with him, then there was nothing that I could about it. It was silly anyway. I was just here for a holiday. I didn’t need to get involved with anyone.