Chapter Thirty-Four
Serena
It’s been three days since Cade discovered the truth about Alan, and I have to say, they have been some of the worst days of my life.
Alan and I are still hiding out at Ashley’s house, and Gus is on his way to bring me a stack of term papers to read through and grade so that I can hopefully get my mind off the shit storm my life has become. Interest in Cade’s love life hasn’t quite died down yet, but an underage starlet was just busted for a DUI, so that has started to dominate the headlines, thankfully. Doesn’t mean my mind isn’t still reeling from all the attention. I admit, I’m looking forward to the distraction getting some work done might bring.
When the doorbell rings, I check the peephole and breathe a sigh of relief to find Gus on the other side. That relief is also mixed with a pang of sadness that it’s not Cade, but I’ve come to the realization that him showing up is just wishful thinking. I open the door to let Gus in, and he holds out a bottle of wine for me.
“I thought you could use this,” he smiles.
I take the bottle. “Thanks. You have no idea how right you are. Let me grab some glasses for us. Make yourself comfortable in the living room,” I tell him. He nods and makes his way into the other room as I head to the kitchen. When I join him, I pass him the wine bottle and an opener. He opens it and pours each of us a glass and passes one to me.
“So…how are you holding up?” he asks as we sit.
“Okay, considering.”
“The paparazzi aren’t hanging around campus anymore, if that means anything,” he informs me.
“That’s good to know. I only took one week off. I’ll be back to classes next week.”
“I don’t think anyone would judge you if you took more time.”
“I know. It’s just I need to get back to my life, though. Sitting here isn’t doing me any good. All I do is replay what happened with Cade over and over in my head, and that isn’t exactly doing much for my state of mine.”
“What happened with Cade? I mean, I’m sorry, I’m probably way overstepping here, but he seemed really concerned for you when he stopped by your office. Did something else happen?”
“Yeah, something else happened,” I reply. I pick up my wine glass. “I’m gonna need more of this first before I start to talk about it.”
“You don’t have to, Serena. It’s your life, and I’m just your TA.”
“Actually, Gus, you’re more than just my TA. You’re my friend. Not to mention, after you graduate, you’re going to be my colleague, too, and I could really use a colleague that’s also a friend. I’ve never had one in this profession.”
“That makes two of us,” Gus winks as he clinks my glass. He tops off my drink and settles back on the couch. “Whenever you’re ready, I’m listening.”
I take a long gulp of the wine, take a breath, then down the rest of it in one swig before setting my empty glass down. “That headline about the secret love child? It wasn’t that far off, except it was still a secret to Cade, too.”
Gus’ eyes widen and he leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “Wait...what? You mean...Cade really is Alan’s dad?”
“Yep. I wasn’t completely forthcoming when you asked me how I know Cade. The reason I know him is because three years ago, I was out to meet a blind date at a bar who no showed on me. Cade was at the same bar, and he started talking to me. I didn’t know who he was, but he was so easy to talk to and we just hit it off. He asked me to dinner since my date had stood me up, so we left the bar, went to dinner, and then he invited me to his place and… Well, the rest I feel is rather obvious,” I continue, shaking my head to clear away the memory.
“I left in the middle of the night. At the time, I thought he was a businessman going through a mid-life crisis because of the things he said and then I saw his house. Jesus, it’s huge. I immediately knew we had two different lives, and I couldn’t picture any possibility of things working with him. So, I left a note thanking him for a nice night and disappeared.”
“And then you found out you were pregnant?” Gus deduces.
“Mm-hmm. I had learned who Cade was by then, but I didn’t want to find him and have him thinking I was trying to trap him or that I was after his money. Not to mention, he was on again with what’s-her-name.
“But I knew I wanted to have the baby, and it was the best decision I could have ever made. Alan and I were happy living our life and then Cade saw me giving an interview on TV and showed up at my lecture...and you pretty much know the rest.”
“Wow. Serena, I had no idea. You didn’t tell him when he showed back up in your life?”
I shake my head. “I wanted to. I knew I needed to, but I couldn't find the words. I kept telling myself I was waiting for the right time, but it never came. And then the gossip sites found out about me and turned it into something so salacious.”
“How do you think they found you?” he asks.
“Cade thinks Josephine tipped them off.”
“After she came by your house?”
“Probably. She did say she would ruin my life if I didn’t leave him alone.”
“What a bitch.”
“Tell me about it,” I concur, refilling my glass once more.
“So, I guess when you told Cade about Alan, he didn’t take it too well?”
“He might have taken it better if I had actually told him. He figured it out for himself before I could. When he came over the day after the article, he kept apologizing for everything even though it wasn’t his fault, and I just couldn’t say the words that needed to be said. But then he suggested that maybe Cade’s dad could make a statement. I just froze. I couldn't be honest with him, and he worked it out. We haven’t talked since.”
“Oh my God,” Gus breathes out. “Serena, I wouldn't even be functioning if I were you right now. I’d be in a ball, crying my eyes out.”
I laugh a little. “I want to be doing that, but I’ve gotta keep it together for Alan.”
“You know what we need? A dance party,” Gus says, jumping to his feet. He looks around, spots the stereo Ashley has nestled on a shelf, and he marches toward it, hooking his phone up to the audio auxiliary cord. He turns toward me as the music starts and motions for me to get up. I shake my head at him, denying his request as he starts to sing along to the Katy Perry song.
“Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag,” he sings off key. I giggle at him as he makes his way back to me and grabs my hand, pulling me off the couch.
“Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,” he goes on. He looks at me expectantly. “Come on!” he encourages. “Sing along. You’ll feel better.” He moves up to the open space of the floor and he starts to dance in his spot, moving my arms as he goes.
“You just gotta igniiiiiiite the liiiiight, and let it shine. Just own the niiiiight, like the fourth of July!” he sings, drawing the words out just right.
I feel a smile turn up the corners of my mouth and I give in. “‘Cause baby you’re a firework, c’mon show ‘em what you’re worth,” I join in with him. Gus’ enthusiasm is infectious and soon we’re singing at the top of our lungs and dancing full out across the living room as Katy Perry turns to Lady Gaga.
It feels good to let go, and Gus and I are both laughing as we fall to the couch three songs later, each grabbing our wine glasses. “Thanks, Gus,” I tell him. “I needed that.”
“That’s what I'm here for. Now, you wanna talk about these term papers or dance to a little David Guetta first?”
“Guetta, then term papers,” I say with a smile.
***
Gus stays for a couple of hours until I have to leave to pick up Alan. Alan and I return to Ashley’s after leaving his daycare to find her already home and making dinner in the kitchen.
“Hey, you look happy. Did Cade call?” she asks as Alan bounds off to the small guestroom to play.
I shake my head. “No; Gus stopped by with some term papers for me to grade and made me take part in a spontaneous dance party in your living room.”
“Aww. Gus is awesome,” she gushes. Then her tone softens. “So, have you heard from Cade at all?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry, Serena.”
“It’s not your fault,” I tell her as I sit down. “You told me to tell him and I didn’t. I should have, dozens of times, and that’s on me.”
“Still, I hate that you’re hurting. Have you heard from him at all? Maybe a text?”
“No. I’ve called and texted, but he hasn’t responded.”
“He’s probably just still upset.”
“I know, I just thought maybe he felt as strongly as I do and that after a day he’d call and we’d talk it out. I guess I was wrong.”
“I don’t think you’re wrong.”
“Sure feels that way. You know I want him back, Ash, but it’s my fault he isn’t speaking to me so, I have to take the consequences.”
Ashley puts a casserole in the oven and wipes her hands on a dish towel and sits across from me at the table. “Serena, why didn’t you tell Cade?”
“Honestly, I was scared.”
“Of what? Cade’s a good guy.”
“I know, but I was afraid he would freak out and I’d lose what we had…which I’ve done anyway,” I mumbled.
“Why would you think he would freak out over you telling him that Alan is his?”
“I don’t know. I just couldn’t bring myself to take the chance every time I started to. What if he had, though? Freaked out, I mean?”
“So what, you didn't want to risk rejection? Serena, that’s crazy.”
“It’s complicated, Ash.”
“It’s only as complicated as you make it. I think you were just being selfish.”
“Selfish? Are you serious right now?”
“Yes, I’m serious right now, Serena. You saw how good Cade was with Alan. You saw how much they were bonding. You freaked out.”
I contemplate her words. “But, what if” I start quietly.
“What if what?”
“What if I had told Cade the truth and he turned his back on us? What if I told him and he left because a family wasn’t what he was looking for? What if I told him and he broke my heart? And Alan’s?”
Ashley studies me before speaking. “Do you love him?”
I take a stuttering breath as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks and I rest my head in my hands, elbows positioned on the table in front of me, unable to look at my sister. “I do,” I admit. “Damnit. I’m in love with him. I’m so head over heels in love with Cade, but I’m a scientist, and he’s a superstar quarterback. How could he possibly love me?”
“Serena, you know you’re not just a scientist,” her tone was comforting, but still firm.
“He dated one of the most A-list actresses in the world, Ash. I can’t measure up to that.”
“Of course, you can’t – because you’re better than Josephine. He wouldn’t have sought you out the way he did if he didn’t feel something, too. You’re not just some nerd scientist, Serena. That is a part of you, but it doesn't define you. Just like being a quarterback doesn't define Cade. If you can’t accept that, then you’ll never be able to move forward with him.”
“When did you get so smart?” I ask, a smile cracking my features as I look up at her.
“I’ve always been this smart. It’s just that no one noticed because you’re smarter,” Ashley teases me.
“So, what do you think I should do next?” I question.
“I think you should try calling him one more time. Put yourself out there. Be vulnerable. And, I think you should tell Alan the truth, too.”
“You’re right. They both deserve the truth,” I say as I sit for a moment, summoning the courage to do that. After a moment and an empowering breath, I stand. “No time like the present, huh?” I stride purposefully to the other room where Alan is playing and stand in the doorway to watch him for a moment. He looks up and smiles.
“Hi, Mommy. Wanna play cars?”
He holds one of his cars out to me as I walk in, sitting on the bed. “Come here, baby, I want to talk to you for a minute.”
He climbs up beside me and stares up expectantly. His eyes are the same as Cade’s. I can’t believe he didn’t figure it out sooner. “What is it, Mommy?”
“Baby, you know how you have asked me why you didn't have a daddy at home like your classmates?” He nods. “Well, you do have a daddy, sweetheart. It’s Cade.”
His eyes widen, and he hops up to stand directly in front of me, smiling. “Mr. Cade is my new daddy?”
“No, honey, he’s always been your daddy.”
“Did you get him at the daddy store?”
“No, sweetie, you don’t understand-”
“I love Mr. Cade! Mommy, I’m glad you got me a daddy.” He hugs me, throwing his little arms around me.
I realize I’m in the midst of a losing battle trying to explain this to him, so I decide to cut my losses. “You know what, sweetie, we can finish talking about this later. I just wanted you to know. You play with your cars. Aunt Ashley is making dinner; it should be ready soon. I’ll come get you when it is, okay?”
“Okay, Mommy!” he calls out, falling against the giant stuffed panda Cade got him in the corner of the room before going back to his cars.
I return to the kitchen where Ashley is taking dinner out of the oven. “How did that go?”
“He thinks I went to the daddy store and bought Cade.”
Ashley tries to cover a laugh, but it comes out as a snort before she bursts out laughing. “The daddy store? Get me something for my birthday from there, will ya?”
I laugh along with her at the absurdity. “I guess I have a few things to teach him, huh?”
“Maybe in a few more years you can teach him about the birds and the bees, and it’ll make a little bit more sense to him.”
“Maybe. But hopefully, Cade will forgive me before then and he can have that talk with him.”
“Hey,” she says, coming around to hug me. “I think he really cares about you and Alan; if it’s meant to be, he will come back. Just think positive.”
“At least the truth is out,” I add.
“Yep. It can only go up form here.”
“I’m going to call him again. Not that the ball isn’t already in his court.”
She nods. “I’ll finish getting dinner ready.”
I walk out the backdoor into the yard and dial Cade. I hold my breath as it rings, hoping he’ll pick up, but when his voicemail picks up, I’m not surprised. I try to let out the breath as I listen to his voice, instead, my heart seizes and I stutter as it beeps on my ear.
“Oh, um, hi, Cade, it’s me, Serena. I guess you know that already by now. I just needed to call and say again that I’m sorry for not being upfront with you. It was wrong of me, and I should have trusted that you wouldn’t have freaked out over the news. I just let myself get into my own head. I never thought a guy like you could ever feel anything for a girl like me.
“Anyway, I’d really like to see you and talk in person. If you don’t want to, I understand, but maybe you still want to see Alan? I told him, by the way, that you’re his dad. Of course, he thinks I went to the store and picked you out, so he doesn't really understand it yet. I’d like it if you were a part of his life, even if you choose not to be a part of mine. But, I hope that maybe you still want to be a part of it. That’s all I wanted to say. I won’t bother you again. The next move is up to you. I…I miss you, Cade. Please call me. I’m sorry.”
I hang up and stare at my phone, lost in my thoughts until Ashley comes out and taps me on the shoulder. I throw my arms around her and just hug her as I cry. She doesn’t say a word, just lets me cry in silence before we go inside to call Alan to dinner. I have to be positive, I remind myself. Whatever will be, will be.
I just hope it’s an outcome I’ll like.