OPEN ROAD

February 3rd

Our sophomore year of high school, Julianna and I took Driver’s Ed together, and I’d daydream about the two of us going on long road trips like this one. But things played out very differently in my mind. I imagined us happy and in love—her hand in mine as we talked and laughed. Reality sucks.

We’ve been driving for nearly an hour, and she’s barely spoken two words to me, her eyes remaining focused on the scenery flying by. Things have been friendly between us, and I’ve done everything I can to show her she can trust me, but she still seems closed off. It’s like she’s trying to protect herself, but from what? Me? She did say I’d hurt her more than anyone else ever had, and I’ve yet to apologize or even address what happened, choosing to ignore it in hopes of starting fresh, but our past runs deep and weighs heavily on us.

“What are you thinking about so intently over there?” I ask, glancing over to her as I turn down the radio. It’ll be another four hours before we make it to Atlanta and the silence will kill me before then.

She turns her entire body in my direction and sighs. “Honestly?”

“Please.”

“I was wondering what happened with you and Cara.”

Her answer is like a punch in the gut. I let out a harsh puff of air as my widening eyes leave the road, gaping at her as she keeps her focus on the loose thread from her shirt she’s tugging, before snapping back.

“Why?” I cough.

Cara is the last thing I want to talk about with anyone, especially Jules. I can’t believe she even remembers her name, let alone cares enough to ask.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry,” she rushes out, remorse laced in her tone. “You don’t have to tell me. Please forget I asked.”

Guilt prickles on my skin, making me wish I could crawl out of it. She hadn’t been given the choice to keep what happened with Christopher a secret, and I still pushed for her to tell me more. Refusing to share those things with her won’t help me gain her trust.

She moves, positioning herself in the direction of the door again, and I reach out to place my hand on her arm. “No,” I plead, removing my hand from her when her attention falls back on me. “I’m sorry. It’s fine. I’m just not a huge fan of talking about the She Devil. She’s like Voldemort—I don’t dare utter her name.”

My grip on the steering wheel is strangling as I let out a light-hearted laugh, hoping to hide the panic I’m feeling.

“Wow,” she snickers. “It really wasn’t all that bad, was it?”

“And worse.”

“So, what happened?”

Taking deep breaths, I roll my shoulders and will my body to relax.

“Well, shortly after we married—”

“So, shortly after you met?” she teases, cutting me off.

Feigning annoyance, I cut my eyes to her as my lips curve. “Touché.” Her joke lightens the mood, and I’m grateful. Even if it’s at my expense. I’d only known Cara for about a month before we were married. She was the drug I used to numb the pain I was feeling, and marrying her was the overdose I needed to kick the habit.

“Anyway,” I drawl, “I ended up losing my IT job due to downsizing. Thanks to the recession, I couldn’t find a new one. Cara was in school, and didn’t have a job. Once I lost my job, I couldn’t keep us afloat with my little part time job. I ended up losing my house, and Cara started getting nastier and meaner by the day. She’d tell me how useless, lazy, and pathetic I was. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, knowing we were both stressed, but it was really taking a toll on me. Soon, I was drinking more and working less, and eventually, she had a real reason to be upset with me. One day, I came home to find her with all her bags packed. She called me a loser and told me she was leaving. As she was walking out the door, she turned to me with an evil grin and told me she’d aborted our baby.” Jules lets out a gasp, and my eyes land on her momentarily as she places a hand over her mouth. Emotion bubbles inside me, burning my chest like hot lava as I swallow it back down. “It’s funny, I thought I knew pain, but nothing I’d ever felt came close to the crippling agony she caused me. She killed my baby out of spite. What kind of a monster does that?”

Silence fills the car and my gut churns with regret, hating that I bared my soul and wishing I could take it all back. Then she reaches out for my hand, her fingers lacing with mine and squeezing. It’s a simple act of compassion, but it feels like an antibiotic being spread over my festering wound. “Voldemort it is.”

Laughter flows out of me as my body relaxes, my gaze shifting to her as my grip tightens around her hand. She gives me a warm smile and I marvel in her beauty, her hair seemingly glowing with hints of red from the bright sunlight. Once my eyes are on the road in front of me again, she untangles her hand from mine, and a mournful loss settles in my chest.

In a near hysterical fit of laughter, Julianna grabs onto my arm to balance herself as I hit the button for the elevator. I just finished telling her the story about the time I found out my high school girlfriend Rachel “planned” out our future sexual endeavors, even though we’d never had sex.

Smirking, I watch her as we wait, thrilled to see her looking so happy and carefree. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this side of her.

After I opened up about Cara, it was as if she’d finally relaxed enough to let her guard down with me. For the remainder of the car ride here, we talked and exchanged playful banter the way we used to. Not wanting to give that up when we arrived at the hotel, I asked her to have dinner with me in the restaurant, and that’s where we’ve spent the past four hours talking, laughing, and drinking. Though I hate for our night to end, we’re both tipsy and it’s getting late. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, and we need to get our rest.

Taking a couple deep breaths to calm her laughter, her glazed-over eyes try to focus on me. “You have to be lying to me, who would do that?”

Smiling, I shake my head and scan the area around us to be sure no one will hear me before I answer. “I swear, I couldn’t make this shit up. I found little notations in her planner with HSWE. When I asked her what it meant, she casually answered, have sex with Eric, as if it were a normal thing to do.”

“You sure knew how to pick them,” she snickers, poking me in the chest with her pointer finger.

I’m on the verge of telling her if I had my pick, it would have been her, when the elevator chimes and the doors slide open. She steps inside, propping herself in the corner of the back wall, and I follow, hitting the number to our floor before settling in next to her.

The lift ascends and she begins chuckling, as if remembering something funny.

My eyes shift to the left, glancing at her. “What?”

She bites her bottom lip as her eyes meet mine, pink coloring her cheeks. “I was thinking about how much Rachel hated me.”

“Yeah, she was a crazy bitch.” It was my relationship with Rachel that caused me to lose Julianna the first time.

Her eyebrows rise as she tilts her head, her lips curving up into a smile. “True,” she chirps. “But she was right to hate me. I was in love with her boyfriend after all.”

My heart stops as I turn and stare at her, my narrowed eyes blinking and head swimming. I’m speechless and frozen, unsure anything in this moment is real.

When her eyes widen in recognition before her hands cover her face, my daze is lifted.

“Oh, dear God,” she moans. “I can’t believe I told you that. My interactions with you don’t mix well with alcohol.” I step directly in front of her, and she spreads her fingers enough to peek out at me. “Please forget I said that.”

Shaking my head, I guide her hands away from her face, then tilt her chin back up until her gaze is on me.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I question, still cautious about telling her how I felt—how I feel.

“I don’t know.” She lays her head back against the elevator and shrugs. “Maybe because you always had a girlfriend and I knew you didn’t feel the same way about me.”

My laughter comes out bitter as I run my hand through my hair, my jaw ticking. I take a deep breath. Didn’t feel the same way? Was she blind? Apparently, I had been. Fuck.

It dawns on me that I could’ve saved myself a world of heartache, if I’d only been brave enough to tell her how I felt from the beginning. I’m not sure whether I want to laugh or cry, but I do know I’m not going to make the same mistake this time.

“That’s not true. I felt the same way about you,” I confess.

Sighing, she lifts her head from the wall, rolling her eyes and pursing her lips. “Don’t do that, Eric,” she sulks, her eyes squinting as she playfully pushes my shoulder. “Don’t say things that aren’t true to make me feel better.”

Rubbing the hair on my chin, I shake my head in disbelief. After all these years, I finally tell Julianna how I feel about her, and she doesn’t believe me. Before I have a chance to respond, the elevator chimes again and the doors open. She skirts around me, getting off before jetting down the hall.

“Hey!” I call out, going after her. “I wouldn’t do that. I’m not lying.”

She comes to a stop in front of her hotel room, pulling the key out of her back pocket, and I snatch it from her hand as I step up behind her.

“Please drop it.” Her eyes avoid mine as she turns. “I’m embarrassed enough as it is.”

She looks down at her feet, one shoe sliding back and forth over the carpet as she reaches out, wanting her key back. Taking her hand, I lay it flat on my chest, directly over my heart. She takes a sharp inhale as her head snaps up and eyes lock on mine.

“You’re killing me, smalls,” I smirk. “Trust me, I’ve always been crazy about you. I wanted you more than I wanted my next breath. I did then, and I do now. The only thing keeping me from kissing you and wiping away any doubts you’re having in my sincerity is the fact that you’ve been drinking. Because when I kiss you for the first time, Jules, the only thing I want you drunk on is me.” Closing the small gap between us, I lean in until her mouth is mere inches from mine.

Her mouth parts, a flush spreading across her cheeks as her shallow breaths brush against my lips, making it even harder to keep my mouth off her.

“Can you feel that, Jules? My heart rapidly pounding against my chest? It’s beating for you, waiting for you to claim it. If or whenever you’re ready, it’s yours.”

She remains silent, her eyes unblinking and stiff body remaining starkly still. When I allow my forehead to rest on hers, her eyelids fall and she takes a deep breath. Reaching around her, I slide her key into the door. As the lock clicks open, I turn the handle, then lift my head to place a light kiss there instead. Her hand falls to her side when I release it to hold the door, and her eyes flutter open before locking with mine again.

She steps into the doorway, holding it open with her body, as I move back and let it go. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she opens her mouth as if to speak before promptly closing it again.

There’s so much more I want to tell her—so much I wish she’d say, but now is not the time. She’s not ready. “Goodnight, Jules.”

“Goodnight, Eric.” Her gaze never leaves mine as she moves to close the door.

Once it’s shut, I smile and punch the air. I’m feeling as light as a feather and I practically float down the hall to my room. The truth is finally out there, after all these years of wondering and holding back.

In love. She said she was in love with me, not that she had a crush or even liked me—love. If her love for me was even half of what I’ve felt for her, it’s still there.