LET GO

April 15th

“Okay,” Dr. Gentry begins, settling into her seat. “Tell me about your week.”

“It was good,” I murmur, earning an impatient glare. “Eric and I finally made love.” My face heats as I shift uncomfortably on the couch, Dr. Gentry’s sparkling eyes giving away how pleased she is by my news. Sex, or the lack thereof, has been at the core of our past couple sessions. I’d expressed my fears about taking that step with Eric—how I felt as if I were still a virgin in some regards—and the good doctor, of course, encouraged me to push past my fears.

“And?” she hedges.

Shrugging, I bite down on my bottom lip to suppress my nervous smile and shake my head. My eyes fall to my lap. “It was great,” I reply, my voice a near whisper.

In truth, it was so much more than that. Being with Eric in that way was better than anything I could have ever imagined. I hadn’t thought it possible to feel more connected to him than I already did. But when we made love, I truly felt as if we were one. One body, one heart, one soul.

Jim made sex this ugly thing for me, and once I started dating Christopher, I viewed it as this purely mechanical thing. When I had sex with him, I’d always been completely detached. Making love to Eric, I felt more attuned with myself than I ever have.

“But?” she presses, as if hearing my thoughts.

My shoulders sag as Cara’s confession replays in my mind, the look of panic on Eric’s face playing in my memory like a movie reel. A son. She was claiming they had a son.

Eric isn’t confiding in me about what happened or how he feels about it, and I’m not sure whether it’s because he doesn’t want me involved or it’s Cara’s doing. I can’t be upset with him, though. I’m no better—refusing to share my own troubles with him.

Christopher’s father called me the other day. Apparently, Richard is acting as his lawyer now, and he informed me Chris had not and would not be signing the divorce papers. They are going to try to get the court to require counseling. Richard never liked me, and Chris doesn’t love me. So, you’d think they’d be happy to let me walk away. It’s not as if I’m trying to take anything from Chris. All I want is my freedom. It must be about appearances. Richard doesn’t want a divorce dragging the precious Monroe family name through the mud, and he certainly wouldn’t want word of Christopher’s affair to get out.

Now, things feel distant and almost strained between Eric and me again. We’re both hiding from the other. We took this huge step in our relationship, only to take two more back. It’s like the universe is conspiring against us.

“It’s complicated,” I tell her, lifting my gaze to meet hers.

Clicking her tongue, she places her pen and pad down on the small table next to her. Her stare becomes pointed as she crosses her arms.

“Things are only complicated if you make them that way, Julianna. Everything really can be black and white, yes and no. Do you love Eric?”

“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.

“Does he love you?”

“Yes.” My answer holds the same conviction as it had a moment ago. I don’t doubt his love for me. Not even for a second. And acknowledging that makes me feel instantly better. Dr. Gentry is good at what she does, I’ll give her that.

“Well, there you go,” she chirps, her mouth curving into a crooked smile. “Sounds pretty simple to me.”

April 19th

Lizzy pulls the collar of her t-shirt over the side of her shoulder to reveal her tattoo. There’s so much detail in the piece of art, I find myself leaning in to get a closer look. It’s a little hard to believe Elizabeth Shea got a tattoo. This is yet another thing that proves how good Brenden has been for her. He pushes her out of her comfort zone and encourages her to enjoy life. I’ve never seen her happier.

“I love it. Maybe I should go get a tattoo.”

Adjusting her shirt back in place, she scoots around on the couch until we’re facing each other again. The smile on her face is so large, I can’t help joining her.

“You should. I’ll even go with you.”

“Yeah? Like you let me go with you?” I purse my lips and cock an eyebrow. Truth be told, I was a little hurt when she took Allison instead of me, but I understand it was a good bonding moment for them. Since she’s like a sister to Brenden, it’s important the two of them get along.

“Whatever,” she sulks, rolling her eyes at me. “Have you ever thought about what you might get?”

Last year, I fell in love with this amazing book where the main character got a tattoo of a heart that wasn’t fully closed at the top. It was in memory of a boy she loved, and she said the open heart reminded her of how she felt when she thought of him—like there was a hole in her heart. That’s exactly how I used to feel when I thought about Eric, and I decided then, if or when I ever got a tattoo, it would be a heart like the one. But, with Eric back in my life now, that idea seemed silly.

Then again, I’m not feeling so confident things will stay that way anymore. Not if Cara has any say over it, and I can’t even fight for him because it isn’t about her or even us. If Eric has a son, I want him to do everything in his power to be in his life.

My chest tightens at the real possibility of possibly losing Eric again and knowing there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

“Hey,” Lizzy calls, placing a hand on my arm, dragging me out of my dark thought. Blinking to refocus my stare on her, I force a tight smile. “Where did your mind wander off to? Is everything okay?”

My head shakes as my mouth says yes. Trying again, I nod as a no comes out of my mouth this time. Giving up, I attempt to laugh at myself, only it comes out more like a sob, and tears begin to fall.

Pandora’s box was open, and I apparently lost my ability to cover up or lock away my emotions. I’m such a mess.

“You promised not to hold things in anymore, remember?” Lizzy scolds, though her tone is loving and her smile warm. “Talk to me, Julia.”

“Okay,” I concede, wiping my face.

After taking a deep inhale and letting out a long exhale to gather my thoughts, I tell her about Cara showing up and the claim she’s making. She’s tries to hide it, but I can see Lizzy’s concern written all over her face. Her drawn eyebrows and sad eyes say what she won’t.

“I can’t believe you weren’t going to tell me about this.” She gives my arm a playful smack. “What does Eric say about it?”

“Not a hell of a lot. He’s been pretty much ignoring it for the most part, but I know it’s weighing on him.” My voice is strained from the lump of emotion building in my throat. I’ve seen Eric nearly every day since Cara told him about the baby, yet I still find myself missing him. “He’s been distracted and a little distant. Any time I try to get him to talk to me about it, he changes the subject or gives me some dismissive response.”

“He loves you,” she assures me. “That would be a lot for anyone to process. He needs time. That’s all.”

“I know, and I want to be there for him, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’d be better off if I take myself out of the equation.”

“Of course he wouldn’t be. He’s going to need you more now than ever. Why would you even think that?”

“It’s Cara. I know she’ll use her son as a weapon, and I don’t want to be her ammo. I can’t stand the thought of her being able to hurt him because of me. If she forces him to choose between me and his kid, it will tear him apart.”

“From everything you’ve told me about this woman, you may be right. But don’t do that. Don’t let her win that easily. Have some faith in Eric and your relationship. The two of you are finally together, don’t let that go the second someone puts an obstacle in your way.”

Always knowing the right thing to say is Lizzy’s superpower. I don’t know how she does it, but I feel better. The love Eric and I share is stronger than this, she can only tear us apart if we let her, and I have no intention of doing that.

“You’re right,” I agree, nodding. “Things in my life feel right for the first time in a long time, and I’m not going to give that up. No matter what Cara throws our way, we can work through it.”

“That’s my girl,” she chirps. “Now, I’m going to go grab a bottle of wine, and when I get back, we’re going to plan out that tattoo.”

Rolling my eyes, I snort as she hops off the couch and hurries to the kitchen. When she’s out of sight, I dig my phone out of my purse and send Eric a quick text.

ME: Today, tomorrow, forever.

ERIC: Ditto : )

ME: Feel like company tonight?

ERIC: Company, no. You, always.

ME: Good. See you in a couple hours.

ERIC: Can’t wait.

Feeling more at ease than I have since Cara showed up at Eric’s apartment, I let out a breath and smile as I tuck my phone away. I’ve been given a second chance to get my life right, and I’m not going to let anyone screw that up for me. Especially not Cara or Chris. I’ve already set my plan in motion to take care of Chris, and I have faith that Eric will handle whatever happens with Cara.

April 20th

Eric’s whispered voice wakes me from my deep sleep. Rolling over, I stretch out my arm in search of him. When all I find is a lukewarm sheet, I pry my eyes open. The sun is peeking through the window, and the birds are annoyingly chirping right outside of it, but my heavy head is telling me it’s way too early to be awake.

Sitting up, I pull the blanket tighter around my naked body, then scoot to the edge of the bed. My feet hit the floor as I hear more mumbles coming from the living room, and I stand, wrapping the material around me.

Guilt gnaws at me as I tiptoe toward the small crack in his bedroom door, my ears perked and ready to eavesdrop on his conversation. I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I can feel Eric isn’t being completely honest with me. Not that I’m one to talk, since I’m harboring a secret of my own. I still haven’t told him about the situation with Christopher.

Holding my breath, I lean in close to the door. His tone is heated, and it takes me a moment to decipher his gritted words.

“Yeah, she’s here. So what? That has nothing to do with this. My relationship with Julianna is none of your damn business.”

My heart sinks as I cover my mouth, trying to conceal my harsh intake of breath. It must be Cara he’s talking to, but I don’t understand why, or why he’s trying to hide it from me.

“I’m well aware of your conditions, Cara. I’ve been bending over backwards trying to prove myself to you. I’ve done everything you’ve asked, but you can’t demand I stop seeing her. I won’t. I love her. We’re a packaged deal.”

My head spins, making me dizzy, and my body feels weak as I prop myself on the wall beside the door. I was right. She’s trying to split us up, and she’s willing to use her son to get what she wants. There’s no way I can let Eric risk having a relationship with his son for me.

“We can talk about this more when I see you tomorrow. I have to go.”

When I hear the crashing sound of his phone hitting the coffee table and Eric sighing, I gaze through the opening in the door to see him. He’s sitting on the edge of the couch, his elbows to his knees and head cradled in his hands.

The situation with Cara is much worse than he’s been letting on. I had no clue the two of them had been talking, and he’s said nothing to me about seeing her. It makes me wonder what else’s he’s been keeping from me. Had he seen his son and not told me about it? I wouldn’t put it past Cara to refuse to let me be around the kid, but that doesn’t explain why Eric wouldn’t tell me.

One thing is certain, I can’t burden him with my drama. He needs to be able to focus on his own troubles without the added stress of mine.