SECRETS THAT YOU KEEP

My head is dizzy from too many shots of tequila, and I’m struggling to sit upright by the time he plops back down next to me on the couch with another shot in his hand.

“Ready for another?” Smirking, he holds out the glass for me.

“I don’t know, Jim,” I answer, shaking my head. “I think maybe I’ve had enough.” I’m not confident my words came out as clearly as I had hoped, but he seems to understand.

“You’re not giving up, are you?” he mocks, wiggling the shot in front of my face.

At the beginning of the night, he bet he could out drink me, and for some stupid reason, I played along. Right now, it feels like the worst decision I ever made, but at the time, I wanted to impress the cute senior who invited me to his party. Being the only freshman at the party, I felt the need to prove myself.

“Just one more?” I ask, trying to hold down the massive amount I’ve already consumed.

“Yep. Last one. This will finish off the bottle.” My eyes widen at his admission as I try to remember how many shots I’ve taken. A menacing smile plays on his lips as he places the shot in my shaky hand. “Bottoms up,” he prompts. Tilting my head back with the glass, I allow the awful amber liquor to slide down my throat, warming me to an uncomfortable degree. His eyes stay glued on me, twinkling with excitement.

“Good girl,” he coos as I hand the shot glass back to him.

His words ring warning bells in my head, and goosebumps erupt on my skin. Something is off.

“Hey, you didn’t take one?” I slur.

Laughing, he scoots closer to me. “Yep, you won.”

He’s so close, I can feel his breath on my skin, the smell of his cologne becoming overpowering. Something about his proximity feels wrong and my chest tightens as panic washes over me. I want to get away from him—to leave this party, but my head is too heavy. Leaning back, I close my eyes, hoping the feeling will pass if I wait a minute.

He positions himself next to me, his body leaning into mine, and whispers, “Do you know how beautiful you are?”

I attempt to shake my head no, but it feels like too much effort. When I feel his lips on my neck, my eyes shoot back open and dart around the room, as if searching for someone to save me, but there’s no one else here.

When had that happened?

“Jim…” My voice wavers from my trembling insides. Fear has officially taken hold of all my senses, telling me to flee, but I can’t.

“Hmmm…” he hums, his hand traveling up my thigh. “Say my name like that again.”

“Jim…please…” I try to remove his hand, but even talking seems too hard.

“Ah…fuck, you’re hot,” he hisses, moving me so I’m lying on back. “And you smell good enough to eat.”

A tear rolls down my face as he pushes his face against my neck, inhaling me. His tongue darts out before he lifts and presses himself against me, his fingers moving to unbutton my shirt.

“Jim, please stop,” I manage to plead this time.

As he touches my now bare breasts, I squirm underneath him, crying out when he squeezes one of my nipples. Panic-filled adrenaline gives me a burst of strength and I push him. My efforts have little impact, though. He only laughs before securing both of my arms with one hand. Ice runs through my veins, realizing there’s no way I’ll be able to overpower this strong hockey player. “I don’t want to do this. Stop. P-Please, Jim. Stop,” I cry, but my pleading only seems to turn him on more. Bile rises in my throat. I’ve never even had sex before. This can’t be how I lose my virginity. I can’t be that cliché girl who gets too drunk at a party and has some guy take advantage of her. I’m smarter than this, better than this. Kicking my legs and wiggling my arms, I try again to release myself from his hold to no avail. A sob bursts from my chest as something in me breaks, as if accepting my fate.

As he starts to pull down my pants and underwear, he whispers in my ear. “Shhh…it’s okay. This’ll be our little secret.”

January 3rd

“Please, stop,” Julianna cries out again in her sleep, and I scoot to the end of my chair, running my hands through my hair before gripping the arms of the chair as I fight the urge to go to her.

When she passed out in my car after we left the bar, I decided to bring her to my apartment. It was late and I had no clue where to even take her, so it seemed to be the easiest solution.

Her screams woke me about an hour after I’d fallen asleep, and the nightmares have continued throughout the night. Not wanting to leave her side, I’ve watched her sleep, her painfilled pleas slowly killing me. I tried to wake her once, but that only seemed to stop the dream temporarily.

“No,” she moans.

Unable to take it anymore, I shoot to my feet and pad over to the couch where’s she sleeping with caution.

“Jules,” I say, my voice light. When she doesn’t stir, I step a little closer and raise my voice. “Hey, Jules, you need to wake up.”

Her limbs stretch as she takes a deep breath, but she doesn’t wake. Heart in my throat, I sit on the edge of the couch next to her before placing my hand on her arm.

“Jules,” I coax, lightly rubbing her with my thumb. She rolls her body, curling it around me, and my chest tightens. “Jules.” Lifting my other hand, I brush the hair out of her face.

“Eric?” She moans softly.

“Yeah. It’s time to wake up.”

She inhales sharply before releasing a sigh of contentment and relief. “What?” Her eyes flutter as she begins to come back into consciousness, then her gaze moves around the room before landing on me.

“Eric!” she screeches, her eyes widening as she sprouts to the upright position, colliding with me and sending us both into the floor.

“What the heck?” Acting as if having her body on top of mine isn’t sending my senses into overdrive, I laugh.

“Eric?” She blinks, her eyebrows drawing in confusion. “What the…” she trails off, her eyes moving from my face to where her hands are resting on my bare chest.

In hindsight, it might have been better if I’d put a shirt on before I woke her. Her cheeks flush and her features narrow as her eyes meet mine again.

“What the hell!” she shouts, rolling to her back next to me on the floor.

“Hey, you’re the one who knocked me down,” I joke.

She cuts her eyes to me before turning her glare to the ceiling and groans as she covers her face with her hands.

“Where are we and how the hell did I get here?”

“We’re at my apartment. You passed out in my car and I couldn’t wake you, so I brought you back here.”

“Oh, Jesus…” She slides her hands down her face and neck before letting them rest on her chest. “That’s lovely. And what the hell were you doing just now?”

I launch myself into a sitting position at her accusatory tone and glare at her. I didn’t do anything but try to protect and take care of her last night. Does she honestly believe I could ever do anything out of line?

“I was only trying to wake you.”

“That could’ve been done at a distance without touching me,” she scolds, joining me in the upright position and crossing her legs underneath her.

“Actually, I couldn’t. I tried.” Pushing myself up off the floor, I busy myself with folding the blanket on the couch as my irritation grows.

“Well, what was so damn urgent anyway?” she asks, fidgeting with her clothes and hair as she stands.

She lifts an eyebrow at me when I hesitate, freezing up entirely. Bringing up her nightmares might embarrass or upset her. Though, she’s irritating me at the moment, that isn’t something I wish to do.

“You were snoring,” I lie, returning to my task. “It was horribly loud and I didn’t want anyone calling the cops with a noise complaint.”

Smirking, I set the folded blanket back down and turn to gauge her reaction. Her arms are crossed and her eyes squinted, but there’s a smile playing on her lips and her posture seems more relaxed.

“You, sir, are a liar. I do not snore.” Snickering, she reaches for one of the pillows on the loveseat and flings it at me.

“Hey,” I cry out, dodging the pillow, “don’t shoot the messenger.”

Her mood seems to shift again, her back straightening as she wraps her arms tightly around herself.

“I’m sorry about last night,” she whispers, her eyes going vacant as they divert to the floor. “Thank you for getting me out of there and letting me crash here.”

My heart stutters from the brokenness of her tone. I wish I could put her back together again and hate myself for not being there for her—for not being the friend she needed and deserved. She’s clearly been dealing with some demons, and my guess is she’s been fighting them alone.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it because I’ve been such a colossal asshole, but I’ll always be here for you, Jules.”

Her glazed eyes lift to meet mine again and her throat bobs as she regards me with sad eyes before nodding in acceptance.