Chapter Thirty-Five
Christian
Gretchen didn't look happy to see me, standing there in the lobby of her shop, and I couldn't blame her. And then there was all the awkwardness with her customer recognizing me. If there was ever a time that I wished I could be totally unrecognizable, it was then. Still, it wasn't like I could tell the girl to get lost so that I could talk to Gretchen. I tried to convey to Gretchen with my eyes just how uncomfortable I was.
Finally, the woman left, and Gretchen and I were alone.
“Get out,” she whispered, her hands clenching into fists.
“Gretchen, please,” I said, desperate to just talk to her, to explain. I had a feeling if anyone was going to make sense of what was going on in my head right now, it was her. She had always seemed to understand me so well. So much better than I even understood myself. But she showed no signs of wanting to hear me say anything.
“Get out,” she repeated, louder this time. She pointed a finger at me. “You don't get to just disappear and then show up two weeks later like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's the way things work with your other fuck-buddies, but-”
“Gretchen, you were never just a fuck-buddy, and you know that. I would hope so, anyway,” I said pleadingly.
“Oh, really?” she asked sarcastically. “I thought that's what we were. Since, you know, we never were in a relationship or anything. Like you said, I knew you were going back to New York, and you knew I was going to stay here in Hawaii. We were just fucking. That's what fuck-buddies do, isn't it? No strings attached.”
“Gretchen,” I sighed, running a hand back through my hair.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. She caught my arm and began pushing me out her shop.
“I knew I'd ruined things,” I muttered, hating the raw feeling the crept into my voice.
Gretchen laughed bitterly. “What, was there any question of that?” she asked. “You were an ass to me, Christian. You-”
“Jeff said I wouldn't know if I'd ruined things unless I actually asked you,” I admitted. “God, I know it was stupid of me to fly all the way down here. I just...”
“As a matter of fact, I'm planning on going on a date with Lino this weekend,” she said, tossing her hair a little. “So, as you can see, whatever we had, I'm over it now.”
I grimaced. “Gretchen-” I started. Then, I shook my head. “I'm sorry. I know that that probably doesn't mean anything, but I'm sorry for the way I treated you on New Year's Eve and for the fact that I just skipped town without even telling you I was going. It was stupid. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I need to make sure you know how sorry I am. You're such an amazing woman, one of the only women who I've ever felt compelled to be close to.” I took a deep breath. “But I suppose that doesn't matter now. I fucked things up. I just hope that you're happy in the future, Gretchen, whoever you end up with, whether it's Lino or, or someone else. You deserve the best.”
Gretchen stared at me for a long moment, looking as though she was warring with herself internally. “You're sorry?” she said finally.
I took that as encouragement to continue. “I haven't been fair to you,” I said. “Like I said, you deserve the best, and I've been…”
“An ass,” Gretchen said succinctly.
“Worse than that,” I told her, shaking my head. “It's not just New Year's. We've been dating the whole time I've been here, but I refused to even try to commit to anything more than that. That wasn't fair to you. I knew that you were looking for a relationship, and I knew that I was acting as though we were in a relationship, without bothering to try to figure out any sorts of long-term details. But the truth is, Gretchen, I didn't know what I was doing.”
“What, you didn't realize you were stringing me along?” she asked harshly.
“It's not that,” I said softly. I shrugged awkwardly. “The thing is, I've never been in a relationship before. I knew I was getting in over my head, but I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to be doing or not doing. And by the time I realized we were basically in a relationship, it was too late to go back and forget about it all. I like you, Gretchen. I’m falling in love with you.”
She frowned, chewing on her lower lip. “But you're going back to New York,” she said finally. “And I'm staying here in Hawaii. You wouldn't compromise even to move to, like, California, would you? That's what relationships are about, though: compromise. And I understand that you don't know what you're doing and that-”
“Why California?” I interrupted, confused.
She made an impatient noise. “Because you could probably do your real estate stuff out of Los Angeles or San Francisco or somewhere, and I wouldn't be too upset to start up a massage studio by the beach there.”
I blinked, shocked by that. “You've been thinking about this, haven't you?” I asked weakly, feeling like the biggest heel in the world.
To my surprise, though, she looked a bit embarrassed. “Mina mentioned that one,” she admitted. “And it was only after you left.”
I frowned. “So, before I left, were you thinking...”
“No!” Gretchen cried. “I was carefully not thinking about any of that because I knew that we were never going to actually end up together. Like you said on New Year's Eve, we both knew that from the start. No matter how much I wanted…” She broke off, shaking her head and brushing away tears.
“Gretchen,” I said, feeling wrecked at the emotions and sexual tension between us. I took a step forward, but she laughed bitterly and took a step back.
“Don't,” she said, shaking her head. “I can't just have sex with you again. And I know you're going back to New York, when, tomorrow morning? Tonight?”
“I haven't booked my flight yet,” I told her slowly. “I called Paul from the airport and told him that I wasn't sure about my future in the business and…” I took a deep breath. “If you don't want to try this, then yeah, I'll probably hop on a flight tomorrow. It's too difficult to stay here otherwise, thinking about everything that I fucked up.”
Gretchen looked confused. “You're not sure about your future in the business?” she said. “Did something happen when you went back? Did they-”
“Everyone's been fine with my return,” I told her. “Except for me. I'm not sure that I want to be back there. I kept expecting things to get easier, to start to feel normal again. But instead, I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I'm not interested in any of it anymore. And I was talking to Paul about it, I told him about you, and he pointed out that if I wanted to, I have more than enough money saved up that I could retire now and live comfortably for the rest of my life.”
Gretchen narrowed her eyes at me, as though expecting some sort of trick. “That's not just another line to get me in bed with you, is it?” she asked. “It's not like an 'I'm leaving my wife, oh wait, no I'm not!' situation, is it?”
I laughed half-heartedly. “Gretchen, if you don't know me well enough to trust me by now…” Then, I grimaced. “I suppose I haven't done anything to earn that trust lately, though, have I?”
Gretchen stared at me for a long moment. “You're serious, though, aren't you?” she asked, her voice barely audible.
“Totally serious,” I said, nodding at her. “I've never been more serious about anything or anyone in my life.” We stood there for a long moment staring at one another. Finally, I laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck. Something about her brought me down a few pegs from the suave, confident guy that I'd always been. I supposed that was what happened when your feelings got tied up into it.
I supposed that was what happened when you fell in love.
“I guess I should give you time to think things over, huh?” I said when it became clear that she wasn't sure what to say in response. “Sorry to spring this on you too. I probably should have called first, before just showing up here, but I didn't think you would answer. And even if you did answer, I was afraid you'd hang up on me or something. I thought it would be better to do this in person. Anyway, I just kind of wanted to see you. I've missed you, and-”
Gretchen cut off my babbling by surging forward and kissing me. She caught me off guard, flat-footed, and I stumbled backward, nearly toppling both of us. But I managed to get my feet back under myself quickly, and I pulled her close, gentling the kiss from one of frantic desperation to one that I hoped conveyed all the feelings I was having a hard time saying to her.
“We should talk things over more,” Gretchen said regretfully as she pulled away from the kiss. “Responsible adults wouldn't just have sex again, without-”
I groaned and rested my forehead against hers, barely able to keep myself from consuming her. “I haven't had sex since the last time you and I did,” I told her. “I've barely even had the will to masturbate. I need this.”
Gretchen's eyelids fluttered briefly shut, and she groaned. “God, Christian,” she said. “You can't just say things like that.”
“It's the truth, though,” I told her. “Look, I know I wasn't here for that long, and I know that we don't know each other all that well, but I feel like you somehow know me better than anyone else ever has before. And I love everything that I know about you. I don't want to live another day without you in my life. And I know that we need to talk about things, to figure out if we're going to live here or in, in California or somewhere else. I know that there's going to have to be compromises, and I know that I'm going to have to, to work at this. But can we please save that for later?”
“You don't want to live another day without me in your life?” Gretchen asked, sounding awed.
“That is, unless you'd rather be with Lino,” I said teasingly, even though I felt a stab of jealousy even thinking about it.
Gretchen blushed brilliantly and shook her head. “I'd rather be with you,” she told me quietly. “I just didn't think I'd ever be able to have you.” Then, she clapped a hand over her mouth, clearly remembering our fight from New Year's Eve. “Not that I have you now; that's not what I meant.”
I kissed her softly, slipping my tongue between her lips and sliding it languidly alongside hers. “You have me,” I told her as I pulled away, resting my forehead against hers. “You've always had me.”
Gretchen smiled shyly up at me.
“You don't have another appointment this afternoon, do you?” I asked.
“No,” she said breathlessly. “That was the last one.”
“Good,” I growled, possessively taking her hand. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
Gretchen paused for a moment, just staring at me, and for a moment, I was afraid that she was reconsidering. But then, she said in a soft voice, “I'm glad you came back, Christian.”
I smiled at her. “I'm glad I did, too.”