Chapter 9
Lisanne did sleep well and was one degree short of blissful when someone knocked on the door the next morning, minutes before she and Kirsty were due to leave for class.
Kirsty was applying her usual industrial layers of glossy lipstick.
“It’s for you,” she said, without looking away from the mirror.
Lisanne rolled her eyes. Kirsty was Ms. Popularity on campus—it was sure to be for her.
She pulled open the door and a sophomore that she dimly recognized was leaning against the door.
“Which of you’s dating Zef Colton?” she said with a yawn, drumming her chipped fingernails against the doorjamb.
“Um … do you mean Daniel Colton?”
The girl looked bored. “How the hell should I know? Yeah, are you her?”
“I guess.”
“Okay, finally. So I’m after a wrap—something for the weekend.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hello! Am I talking Egyptian? What can I get for thirty bucks?”
Kirsty strode to the door and pushed her finger into the girl’s face.
“You’ve got the wrong fucking room, lady. Nobody here deals, now get the hell out!”
She slammed the door on the annoyed woman and stared at Lisanne.
“What was that all about? Tell me you’re not dealing drugs for Daniel.”
“What? God, no! Kirsty, no! I never … Daniel hasn’t … no!”
Lisanne was incoherent with shock.
That girl had thought she could buy drugs from their dorm room?
She saw that her hands were shaking and hastily sat down on her bed, before her knees buckled.
Kirsty stared at her, but her expression softened when she realized how upset Lisanne was. “Okay,” she said, in a more measured toned. “And you’re not hiding anything in our room for him?”
“No!”
Lisanne’s voice was shrill.
“You have to talk to Daniel about this.”
Lisanne nodded numbly, and Kirsty chewed on her lip before plowing on.
“Has Daniel ever offered you drugs? Weed, anything?”
“No.” Lisanne’s voice had dropped to a whisper.
“Good. Keep it that way, sweetie.”
Kirsty headed out for class, leaving Lisanne shaken and very worried.
She sat for a few more minutes, letting her breathing slow, then picked up her backpack and headed out. Her expression was grim. She had no idea how she was going to bring this up with Daniel.
Lisanne was distracted all day. She was afraid Daniel would blow her off if she said something to him. She decided to wait until they had more time to spend together, which was easier said than done.
Lisanne was constantly busy: running between classes, band practices, and trying to keep up with her homework load. She managed to snatch brief moments with Daniel, over lunch, or a coffee before class, but it was all hurried. She didn’t mention the unexpected visitor, but it was on her mind. Without meaning to, she kept an eye open for anything that showed Daniel was dealing. It was tiring and upsetting and she didn’t know what to do about it. So, in the end, she did nothing, and said nothing.
She had received a short text message from Roy, apologizing for leaving her in the lurch and promising not to do it again. She strongly suspected that Daniel had had something to do with that, but neither of them mentioned anything, so she let it go.
They were sitting drinking sodas after their Friday morning Business lecture, when Vin and Kirsty joined them.
Lisanne was disappointed that Daniel and Kirsty didn’t seem to have gotten over their spat, instead maintaining a cautious civility around each other; but Vin and Daniel had talked bikes for hours and were well on their way to becoming friends—a fact that seemed to irk Kirsty.
“Hey, guys,” Vin said, as they walked into the cafeteria. “We’re going to get a few people together and head out to the beach tomorrow. You want in?”
Lisanne looked hopefully toward Daniel before she answered. She didn’t want to put him under too much pressure. But she was disappointed when he shook his head straightaway.
“Can’t, man. Gotta be somewhere.”
“No problem,” said Vin.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t come, Lisanne,” said Kirsty, sharply.
Vin gave her a warning look which Kirsty pretended to ignore, then carried on making plans for the outing.
Vin assumed that whatever Daniel had planned also involved Lisanne. But as far as she was concerned, it was the first time Daniel had mentioned being busy at the weekend. Disappointment made her brusque.
“What are you doing? You didn’t mention anything before?”
He looked annoyed as he replied quietly, “I’m busy.”
“Doing what?” Lisanne persisted
“Not here,” he muttered.
“Fine,” she said, huffily. “Let’s go. You can tell me outside.”
Vin waved as they left, but Kirsty just watched them go without comment.
Lisanne led Daniel toward an empty patch of grass in the middle of the quad. It was pleasantly warm and many of the students were sitting outside enjoying the weather. Despite the peaceful surroundings, Daniel looked tense and unhappy, but Lisanne wasn’t in the mood for backing down. They were supposed to be dating: shouldn’t he tell her if he’d made weekend plans without her?
She sat opposite him and waited.
“What’s the matter?” she said, in a slightly milder tone.
Even though Daniel couldn’t hear her, he could read her face easily.
He frowned at her, then dropped his gaze and started to pick at one of the laces on his boots.
“I’ve got an appointment at the clinic,” he mumbled without looking up.
Lisanne was taken aback. What? A clinic? She immediately thought of STDs—she couldn’t help the wayward direction of her thoughts.
“What sort of clinic?” she said at last, when Daniel didn’t seem inclined to add any further detail. Of course he didn’t answer, and she had to nudge his foot so he’d look up. “What sort of clinic?” she repeated.
He seemed surprised by her question.
“The hearing loss clinic,” he said, quietly. “What did you think I meant?”
“Oh,” she said, stupidly. “Why?”
He shrugged. “I go every six months for a checkup. It’s a waste of time: they just tell me the same shit. I’m deaf—that’s not gonna change.”
“Oh,” she said again, wishing she could think of something supportive to say—or at least something that didn’t make her sound like an idiot.
Then she had a brainwave: this could really help her to understand. Lisanne took a deep breath.
“Can I come with you?”
Daniel looked stunned. “What?”
Lisanne sat up straighter. “Can I come with you?”
“Fuck! Why would you want to do that?”
Lisanne looked away for a moment, gathering her thoughts.
“So I can understand more,” she replied, looking back at him. “Please, Daniel. If I’m supposed to be…” she paused. “If I’m supposed to be your girlfriend, I want you to be able to share things like this with me.”
He seemed conflicted. Lisanne forced herself to stay silent, letting Daniel decide.
“It’s the other side of town,” he said, grudgingly.
“I don’t mind that,” she said, gently. “But only if you want me to come.”
He fiddled with his lace a bit more, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it.
“I don’t want it to change things,” he said, blowing the smoke away from her.
“Why would it do that?” Lisanne asked patiently.
He shrugged. “It always does.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know.” Daniel let out a long sigh. “The appointment’s at 11:15. I’d have to pick you up at 10:45.”
She put her hand over his and he glanced up.
“I’ll be ready,” she said.
* * *
When Kirsty saw Lisanne that evening, she seemed determined to give her a hard time for not coming to the beach with them.
“Well, why is it such a secret where you’re going?” she said, irritation coloring her voice.
“It’s not a secret,” Lisanne replied sharply, if not entirely truthfully. “It’s just something private Daniel has to do. It’s not for me to say.”
“It’s not anything illegal, is it?” snapped Kirsty. “Because if it is, don’t let yourself get dragged into it.”
“What?” said Lisanne, shocked. “Daniel isn’t into anything illegal!”
“Are you sure about that? Because that’s not what I’ve heard, not forgetting our little visitor the other day.”
“Since when do you listen to gossip?”
Kirsty stared back stonily.
“I don’t usually, but I’ve heard it from several different places now. Too many for it to be a coincidence.”
“What exactly have you heard?”
“That he deals drugs,” said Kirsty flatly, raising her eyebrows.
“That is such bullshit!” shouted Lisanne. “How could you even think that? I’ve never seen him do anything more than smoke a cigarette!”
“Don’t be naïve, Lis,” said Kirsty, her voice chilly. “Have you forgotten that skank who tried to buy drugs from you?”
“She asked for Zef, not Daniel. You heard her! He can’t help what his brother does.”
Kirsty folded her arms, her face full of disbelief.
Lisanne suddenly remembered everything she’d seen at Daniel’s home, but she wasn’t going to admit that to Kirsty. Daniel had never done anything like that in front of her.
“You don’t know everything about him, Lis,” said Kirsty, her voice becoming heated.
“I know the important things!” shouted Lisanne. “He’s sweet and kind and takes care of me!”
Kirsty snorted. “Just because he puts on a good show, that doesn’t make him squeaky clean. He acts like he’s stoned half the time—not listening and always staring, all intense and…”
Lisanne cut her off. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Kirsty. Drop it now.”
Her voice was dangerously quiet and Kirsty looked surprised.
“I’m just trying to look out for you, Lis,” she said, in a more reasonable tone. “You’re my friend and I don’t want him to hurt you.”
Lisanne took a deep breath. “Daniel won’t hurt me. You have to trust me on this. His brother … well … I don’t know. But Daniel doesn’t have anything to do with that. I promise you.”
Kirsty shook her head and sighed. “If you say so. Just … just be careful, okay?”
Lisanne nodded stiffly.
She hated fighting with Kirsty, but she was so wrong on this.
The next morning, Kirsty was trying hard to act naturally around Lisanne, but it was obvious she was still on edge.
Lisanne did her best to ignore her hyper roommate, more focused on what the morning would bring.
“You can always meet us out there later?” pleaded Kirsty. “You know, when you’ve finished your private thing. Just text me—I’ll tell you where we are.”
Lisanne gritted her teeth.
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
Kirsty sighed and threw up her hands as if to say, Have it your own way.
Lisanne slipped out of the door, too keyed up to take any more sharp looks or knowing gazes.
She sat on the curb outside waiting for the now familiar sound of Daniel’s Harley. She was humming along with This Fire, a track by one of her favorite bands, Birds of Tokyo, when Vin drove up in his brand new Expedition SUV.
She pulled out her ear buds as he walked over to her.
“Hi, Lis! How you doing? Changed your mind about coming with us?”
Lisanne smiled and shook her head.
“No, but thanks.”
“Pity, it’s going to be fun. Are you waiting for Dan?”
Lisanne nodded and Vin looked at her carefully.
“And you didn’t want to wait inside?”
Lisanne looked up, seeing nothing judgmental in Vin’s face.
“Kirsty doesn’t approve,” she said, pulling a wry face. “It’s … quieter if I wait out here.”
Vin squatted down on the curb next to her.
“She’s just looking out for you, Lis. Dan seems like an okay guy, but you must have heard what they’re saying about his brother? That’s why he’s gotten into all those fights this last week.”
Lisanne looked up, pinning Vin with a fierce stare.
“What fights?”
Vin’s ears turned red and he looked uncomfortable.
“Um … just a couple of guys throwing a few punches—nothing to worry about.”
“What?!”
“Look, Lis, it’s like this. Some people—assholes mainly—assume that if one brother is dealing, then the other must be, too. But I haven’t come across a single person who’s actually seen Dan with drugs or bought anything from him, which makes me think it’s all bullshit. But he’s being tarred with the same brush, and his first thought is to beat the shit out of whoever’s doing the asking. That’s why Kirsty worries about you.”
Lisanne didn’t know what to think.
“Daniel isn’t … he doesn’t…”
Vin sighed.
“Even if he isn’t, he must know what his brother’s doing. He could get into a whole load of serious trouble—and so could you.”
He gave her a sympathetic look, then stood up and made his way to the dorm rooms, leaving Lisanne fumbling with her overflowing thoughts and emotions.
In the distance, the sound of a motorcycle engine grew louder. Lisanne took a few deep breaths and tried to quell her stomach’s natural inclination to turn a few somersaults.
Daniel pulled up next to her and lifted his visor, but he didn’t cut the engine and he didn’t dismount. He simply handed her the spare helmet without speaking, and jerked his head to indicate that Lisanne should climb on.
She’d known the morning would be stressful but she hadn’t thought it would be this bad: first what Vin had told her; now Daniel stressing out.
Daniel hit the throttle and they took off so quickly, Lisanne had to grab him to stop herself being jolted off the back.
He drove for about 20 minutes before pulling up in the parking lot of the city hospital. When he cut the engine, finally there was silence. For Lisanne it was a relief—it made no difference to Daniel.
He locked their helmets in the leather saddlebags and carefully met her gaze.
“If you don’t want to stay, there’s a cafeteria in the main part of the hospital.”
Lisanne was confused.
“Why wouldn’t I want to stay?”
He shrugged but didn’t answer.
Lisanne took his hand and he looked down at her, surprised.
“Let’s go,” she said.
Daniel felt dread seep into his bones. This would be the day when she’d decide she couldn’t date a deaf guy. This would be the moment that she’d run.
He led her around to a side door with a large, blue and white sign that announced ‘Hearing Loss Clinic’.
“I’ll need my hand, Lis,” he said, pulling his fingers from her grasp.
His rejection hurt, but she didn’t say anything. Daniel was radiating enough tension to make Lisanne bite her tongue.
But she was wrong—about Daniel rejecting her.
The clinic’s reception was already occupied by two families with a bunch of kids who were probably still in elementary school. In complete silence, they appeared to be chatting away animatedly, communicating through sign language.
One of the youngest kids turned to stare, then gave Lisanne a big smile and raised his hand to his head in what looked like a salute.
Lisanne smiled and waved back, but the child looked confused.
Suddenly she realized that Daniel was moving his hands quickly in a series of confusing shapes.
“You … you can do sign language?”
He raised his eyebrows.
“Well, yeah. I went to a deaf school for nearly three years. What do you think we did? Draw pictures?”
She tried to ignore his blunt sarcasm.
“What about lip reading?”
“Not everyone can lip read, especially if they were deaf pre-lingual.”
“Um, pre-lingual?”
He gave her his full attention.
“If a kid is born deaf or becomes deaf before they’ve learned to speak, it’s a lot harder to learn to lip read. Not impossible, just a lot harder. Most deaf kids are brought up signing.”
“Oh,” said Lisanne, anxiously. “I see. What did you just say to him?”
“I told him that you were hearing and couldn’t sign.”
“Is everyone here deaf?” she whispered.
“Not everyone, honey,” said one of the mothers, kindly. “Is this your first time?”
Lisanne blushed and gave an awkward laugh. “Is it that obvious?”
“Pretty much, but don’t worry about it. You’ll get used to it,” she said, glancing at Daniel, then giving Lisanne a warm smile.
Daniel was still in conversation with the young boy. Something the boy had signed made him smile and throw a wicked look at Lisanne.
“Trevor!” snapped his mother, signing as she spoke. “That is rude! Apologize to the young lady.”
The boy made a fist with his right hand and drew a circular motion in front of his chest.
“He’s saying ‘sorry’,” Daniel translated for her.
“Oh! How do I say, ‘that’s okay’?”
“Make an ‘O’ shape with your hand—yeah—that’s it. And you make a sign like a pair of scissors for the ‘K’ by pushing up your middle finger and dropping your index finger.”
Feeling self-conscious, she copied the gesture, and the boy smiled.
“By the way,” she asked, somewhat belatedly, “what did he say?”
“You sure you want to know?”
“Yes!”
“He asked me why you were so dumb—because you couldn’t sign.”
“Oh!” gasped Lisanne.
Daniel smirked at her. “I did warn you.”
She thumped his arm. “You set me up!”
He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “You’re fucking sexy when you’re mad.”
Lisanne felt her skin flush as her mouth opened and shut with confusion. She was glad he was in a better mood, although she had no idea how it had happened. Except that here, he was the same as everyone else—she was the odd one out.
“Will you teach me?”
“Teach you what?”
“Sign language.”
Daniel frowned. “What for? I only ever use it when I go to these fucking places.”
“Please … how do I say, ‘I hear you’?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? How many deaf people do you know, Lis, because I’m telling you, that’s the most useless thing ever.”
Lisanne swallowed and looked down. She felt his gentle fingers on her cheek.
“I’m sorry, baby doll. These places just … okay, I’ll show you.”
She gave him a weak smile.
“You say ‘I’ by pointing at yourself. For ‘hear’ you just tap your ear twice, and ‘you’—just point at the person you’re talking to.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
Suddenly the video screen flashed and everyone looked up. A name was displayed and one of the moms stood and corralled her brood, before heading off down the corridor.
“Teach me something else,” said Lisanne, drawing Daniel’s attention back to herself by nudging his knee.
“Like what?”
“How do I say, ‘My boyfriend’s Harley is cooler than yours’?”
Daniel laughed.
“Like this,” and he flipped the bird.
“Stop that!” she hissed, grabbing his hand before one of the remaining children saw it. “Behave!”
He leaned into her and ran his nose along her cheek. “Can’t do that, baby doll. Not around you.”
The video screen flashed again and this time Daniel’s name came up.
His smile disappeared and he sighed heavily.
“You can stay here if you want,” he offered again, almost hopefully.
“No. I’m coming with you,” Lisanne said, insistently.
He shrugged as if he didn’t care, and Lisanne tried not to feel hurt. She knew it was just his way—an act.
They walked down a corridor with regimented doors, until they found number five.
Daniel didn’t knock but walked straight in, which Lisanne found surprising.
She followed him into a room that was small and white, with medical posters tacked to the walls: several had cross sections that showed the inner workings of the ear. One picture was of a beautiful sunset. Perhaps it was to make the place seem friendlier.
The man they’d come to see stood up and smiled at Daniel, then cast a surprised look at Lisanne.
He made a quick movement with his hands, clearly asking a question, and Daniel signed back.
Lisanne was shocked. She’d expected a normal consultation. Normal? She cringed, just for thinking the word. She’d expected a spoken consultation. How dumb was that? She kicked herself for embracing yet another stereotype—automatically assuming that the doctor would be hearing.
Instead, the entire conversation was held in sign language.
She started paying attention when she saw that Daniel was introducing her.
“Lis, this is Dr. Pappas—my audiologist.”
She tried to remember the sign for ‘hello’ and gave a rather cack-handed half salute that made the doctor smile.
“Hi,” she said shyly, holding out her hand, as he saluted her back.
“Hel-lo, Lis,” said the doctor, in a slow, robotic monotone. “It is good to meet you.”
Lisanne struggled to understand what Dr. Pappas was saying and looked anxiously at Daniel.
“It’s okay,” he said, quietly. “I’ve told him this is all new to you.”
The doctor tapped Daniel’s arm and signed something else.
Daniel shook his head quickly, but the doctor seemed to be insisting.
“For fuck’s sake,” Daniel muttered, earning him a rather shocked look from Lisanne. “He says that if you have any questions, just ask. But not too many, please, baby?”
“Oh, okay,” she said, softly, having absolutely no idea what she’d ask or where to start.
The doctor tapped Daniel’s arm again and they started signing rapidly. Lisanne sat silently, utterly bewildered, at a loss to understand a single thing. Perhaps this was how Daniel felt when he was among a group of people he didn’t know—isolated, unaware, excluded. Or perhaps this was how Daniel felt most of the time. Her heart thumped painfully and she had to stop herself from rubbing her chest to ease the stabbing sensation.
Dr. Pappas passed Daniel some headphones and they ran through a number of tests. Lisanne watched Dr. Pappas’ computer screen as various charts appeared.
When they’d finished with the headphones, they carried on their conversation.
She watched Daniel and Dr. Pappas carefully. At first their body language was relaxed, but as the conversation progressed, she saw that it was becoming increasingly heated. Dr. Pappas kept looking at Lisanne, as if he was asking Daniel something about her.
She jumped when Daniel suddenly shouted, “No!”
“What is it?” she said, nervously.
He ignored her, signing furiously at the doctor, who seemed equally determined.
Suddenly Daniel crossed his arms and scowled.
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
“Lis,” intoned Dr. Pappas. “Ask Dan-i-el to tell you about coch-le-ar im-plants.”
“I said no!” Daniel roared. “Come on! We’re getting the fuck out of here.”
He grabbed Lisanne’s wrist and pulled her out of the chair.
She threw a hasty look at the doctor, who smiled sadly and gave her a small wave.
Daniel towed her down the corridor, refusing to speak or explain. When they reached the parking lot she yanked her hand free.
“Daniel! Talk to me! What just happened in there? What was he telling me to ask you about?”
“Nothing.”
“No! It wasn’t nothing.”
“Just drop it, please, Lis.”
He grabbed his hair as if he wanted to yank it out, and screwed his eyes shut.
She reached up and stroked his face, trying to calm him.
“Daniel, you get so mad at me if I don’t tell you everything—now you’re doing the same to me. Please—I want to understand.”
His eyes blazed, but then he dropped his head in resignation. When he looked at her a few seconds later, she could see the pain in his eyes.
“Okay, okay. But not here. I fucking hate hospitals. Let’s just go, okay?”
She nodded and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
“We could get some takeout and go back to your place?”
He shook his head. “No, not there. Place was jammed when I left. Can we go to your room? Kirsty’s at the beach, right?”
“Of course. I’ll make you a coffee. We just need to buy some food.”
They stopped at a convenience store and picked up sandwiches and chips before heading back.
It was open house hours so at least Daniel didn’t have to sneak in, although several girls stared curiously at him and Lisanne.
By the time Lisanne turned her key in the lock, she felt exhausted. It had been another morning spent on Daniel’s emotional rollercoaster. The only thing that stopped her from feeling sorry for herself was the look of bitterness on his face as he’d run from the hospital. Whatever he and Dr. Pappas had argued about, it had really upset him.
Daniel dropped his jacket on the floor and, without a word, flung himself down on Lisanne’s bed. He threw one arm over his eyes and lay still.
Lisanne wasn’t sure what to do. She decided to give him a minute, hoping he’d talk to her when he was ready. She puttered around the room, taking off her sneakers and hanging up her jacket as well as Daniel’s. She pulled the food out of the paper bag and placed it next to him on the bedside table. Then she stroked his arm and placed a gentle kiss on his bicep.
When he lifted his arm to look at her, she kissed his mouth, letting her tongue flick along his top lip.
His surprised expression turned into a sexy smile.
“I thought I was being invited for coffee?”
She pulled a face. “You really want coffee?”
He laughed. “Yeah, I’m actually kind of thirsty. And hungry.”
“I’ve got some cookies, too.”
“Chocolate chip?” he asked, his eyes lighting up like Christmas.
Lisanne laughed. “As it happens, yes!”
She reached into her cabinet and threw an unopened packet to him. Then she realized she was out of coffee. Completely.
“Uh, Daniel, I don’t have any coffee!”
His expression was amused. “So you brought me here under false pretenses?”
She crossed her arms, a little embarrassed, then inspiration hit. “But I’ve got that beer you left behind the other day. It’s not cold, but…”
“Better not, baby doll. If I get stopped by the cops again on the way home and they smell alcohol on me, I’ll be in a shitload of trouble.”
Lisanne took a deep breath. “You can stay here—for the night. Kirsty won’t be coming back. I mean, if you want to.”
Daniel stared at her.
“Are you sure?”
“Y-yes.”
“C’mere.”
Nervously she walked toward him. He sat up and swung his legs off the bed, then pulled her down so she was sitting on his lap.
“Lis, I promise I’ll make it good for you, baby doll, but only when you’re ready. Yeah, I’d really like to stay but we don’t have to do anything, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, her voice a little shaky.
“Good. Now where’s that damn beer?” he said, planting a noisy kiss just below her throat.
She pushed him away playfully and dug the beer out from under her bed, where she’d hidden it.
She looked up and watched in fascination as Daniel kicked off his boots. Then he peeled off his socks and launched himself backward onto her bed again, patting the space beside him.
She crawled up next to him and he pulled her into his chest, kissing her hair. She felt his muscles contract and ripple as he reached over to grab a beer. He popped the tab and offered it to Lisanne first.
“Okay, just a sip,” she said.
She realized this was going to be awkward. Snuggling into him was wonderful, but they couldn’t carry on a conversation like that. Wondering what she wanted more—to talk, or to cuddle—she had a couple of sips of beer, then passed it back to him.
He took a long drink, tipping his head back. She watched his Adam’s apple move as he drank, and wondered what it would feel like under her tongue.
Before Daniel had even placed his beer back on the bedside table, Lisanne slid her fingers under his t-shirt.
He looked down at her.
“Will you take it off?” she said, shocked by her own forwardness.
Giving her a small smile, he pulled the t-shirt over his head from the back of the neck.
Lisanne could have sworn she heard a few seams rip, but she didn’t say anything. He tossed it onto her chair and sat back on the bed.
“Am I allowed to eat something now or do you want to keep undressing me?”
Lisanne laughed, hoping it sounded—or at least looked—vaguely natural.
Trying to act casual, she threw a packet of sandwiches at him, watching with amusement as he devoured them in a couple of bites.
“What?” he mumbled with crumbs on his lips. “I’m hungry.”
Shaking her head, Lisanne ate her own sandwich more slowly and let Daniel have the lion’s share of the chips. But when it came to chocolate chip cookies, she insisted on an equal division of the spoils.
“Don’t come between me and my cookies,” she said with a challenging look, daring him to have more than his fair share.
He laughed and pretended to look scared.
Lisanne didn’t want to spoil the banter, but there was a big elephant in the room that they weren’t discussing. She wasn’t sure how to bring up Dr. Pappas’ words to her. But she needed to know … to understand.
“Daniel…” she began. “About what Dr. Pappas said…”
He frowned and looked down, his mood changing rapidly.
“Lis…”
“Please, I just want to understand. What did he mean?”
For a moment she thought he was going to refuse to explain, but instead he took a deep breath.
“He was talking about a cochlear implant.”
“Cochlear?” Lisanne tested the unfamiliar word.
He nodded. “It’s part of the inner ear. I can give you all the technical shit but basically it processes sound. There’s an implant that’s been developed that can give back some hearing. It doesn’t work for all deaf people—it depends on what caused the hearing loss.”
“Would it work for you?”
“Maybe. Dr. Pappas thinks so.”
Lisanne was confused. If the doctor thought it could help Daniel to hear again, she couldn’t imagine what he was waiting for.
“You don’t want to?”
“No, I fucking don’t!”
Lisanne was shocked by the vehemence of his reply. She pushed her finger into a worn patch on the knee of her jeans.
“I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you?”
“Because!” he shouted, then lowered his voice. “Because it means having a fucking chunk of metal drilled into your skull, and a magnet shoved under your skin so you can clip on a receiver that’s attached to another fucking hearing aid. And after all that, there’s no guarantee it would work. I told you—I’m sick of hospitals.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m sick of being different.”
“But you could hear again?”
“Could. Could hear. Nothing’s definite.”
Lisanne wasn’t sure how far she should push him, but she still didn’t understand why he was so against trying.
“Wouldn’t some hearing be worth it? Isn’t it worth trying?”
He looked at her angrily.
“You think I’m broken, don’t you? You think I should be fixed. You want me to be normal. I’ll never be your version of normal, Lis. I’ll never be like you—like them.”
He waved his arm around, to emphasize his point.
She felt tears start in her eyes.
“I’m not trying to fix you, Daniel. I just want you to be happy. I love you just the way you are.”
He blinked at her, looking shocked. Lisanne held her breath when she realized what she’d said. She hadn’t meant to say it. She didn’t even realize it was true until that moment.
“You … you love me?”
His voice was faint, disbelieving.
Lisanne nodded slowly, afraid to take her eyes away from his beautiful face.
“But … why?”
He looked lost, confused, so unsure of himself: Lisanne felt her heart tremble.
“Because you’re kind, and good, and sweet, and funny. Because I feel happy when I’m with you. You make me feel protected, safe.” She shrugged. “You’re everything.”
His voice was bewildered. “But why?”
Lisanne shook her head, unable to speak any further.
She crawled up the bed and he automatically wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her toward him. She lay with her head on his chest, listening to the frantic pounding of his heart.
His skin was warm and silky, inviting Lisanne to place gentle kisses over his torso.
He shivered under her touch and pulled her in tighter, making it hard for her to move. Needing to keep touching him, she traced the tattoo on his left shoulder with one finger. It was a bird, bursting from flames—a phoenix in red and gold: the symbol of rebirth. The tail feathers curled around to the top half of his chest, resting just above the small silver ring that pierced his nipple. Further down his arm, there were dark blue swirls that looked like waves and in between them, tiny musical notes in black.
She knew that on his other shoulder, he carried a dragon in a Celtic design of sea-greens and blues. She pushed away from him so she could see it again.
A sinuous lizard coiled itself from his elbow to the top of his arm, silvery gray smoke curling from its nostrils.
“It’s beautiful,” she breathed. “You’re beautiful.” She let her finger drift over his bicep. “Why a dragon? Does it mean anything?”
He nodded slowly, one had stroking her back in long, languid, featherlight touches.
“The dragon means wisdom, and the ability to go through different worlds.”
Different worlds.
Lisanne thought she was beginning to understand, but Daniel didn’t make it easy.
She followed the dragon’s tail thoughtfully, Daniel’s eyes watching her.
“You’ve got another tattoo … on your hip. I saw it … last time.”
He nodded, his eyes so dark and sensuous, the hazel eclipsed.
“Do you want to see it again?”
Lisanne wasn’t sure if they were still talking tattoos, but managed to murmur, “Yes.”
Daniel unbuttoned his jeans and pulled the zipper down. Then he pushed a corner of the denim away to reveal his hipbone and two Kanji in black ink.
“What do they mean?”
“It’s Japanese. It says ‘nozomu’. It means hope or wish.”
Lisanne traced the outline with her index finger and his body quivered under her touch.
Suddenly, he pulled her hand away.
“What?”
“Lis, you’re making it hard for me to stop from fucking you here and now,” he said, breathing heavily.
She froze, then looked up at him.
“What if I don’t want you to stop?”
He hesitated, trying to read certainty in her steady gaze.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”
“I do. I do mean it.”
He growled low in his throat, suddenly pulling her face to his lips and kissing her cheeks, her chin, her throat, her mouth.
Lisanne gasped and wound her hands behind his neck, kissing him back passionately. She felt his tongue slide into her mouth, tasting faintly of beer, her brain fogged with lust.
His hands tugged on the bottom of her t-shirt and Lisanne pulled it over her head. Daniel moaned at the sight of her bare flesh and sank his face between her breasts and nuzzled them softly, letting his teeth pull at the cup of her bra.
The breath caught in her throat as for the first time in her life, she had the sensation of a man’s hot mouth on her bare nipple. His tongue rolled over and around the tight bud and his teeth grazed the flesh, making Lisanne arch her back. With a quick, practiced movement, Daniel snapped the fastening on her bra and pulled the straps over Lisanne’s arms, tossing it to the floor.
Then he rolled her onto her back, bracing himself on his forearms, his left knee between her thighs, and began to feast on her breasts.
Lisanne’s senses were overwhemed as his hard, heavy body pressed into hers. She couldn’t help wanting to stroke his broad back as he hovered over her. She felt his muscles shiver as she touched him, running her fingers all the way down to the curve of his ass cheeks.
A long sigh left his throat as he sucked her skin gently.
Barely coherent, she forced her hand inside his jeans and started to push the waistband over his hips. He leaned away from her and sat up long enough for him to kick the pants and his briefs free.
They didn’t speak as her hands reached for him, and he sighed again as she wrapped her hand around him.
He kissed her down her body, forcing her to let go of him. Then his fingers unhooked the button on her jeans, and he pulled the zipper down. Without moving them off of her, he slipped a finger inside her panties and groaned when he found her wet.
Lisanne gasped and arched her hips into his, feeling his erection pushing against her stomach. She couldn’t imagine how that would feel inside her—everything she’d read, everything she’d heard made her afraid it would hurt. But she didn’t want to stop. She couldn’t.
His fingers pumped gently inside her, his thumb pressing against the warm, tight flesh. His mouth mimicked the movements on her neck and shoulders, gradually increasing the speed. She tried desperately to assimilate everything she was feeling, but her mind was overpowered by sensation.
Her hips bucked onto his hand and the same slow burn, the fizzing of her blood, that she’d felt before, began again.
“Daniel!” she gasped. “Daniel, I … I…” but her thoughts and words were swept away as her body took control.
This orgasm was even more intense than the last. The intimacy they’d found by sharing their doubts and fears, maybe that was the reason.
She hadn’t run. And he was still there, with her.
Daniel stroked her face.
“Lis? Lis? Do you still want me?”
His voice was filled with tension.
“Yes,” she said, the breath shuddering in her lungs. “I want you.”
Daniel tugged off her jeans, followed by her panties, surprising her when he leaned down to kiss her pubic bone, nuzzling her wiry hair.
“You smell so good,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Can I taste you?”
“Uh … uh … I don’t know…” she gasped.
“Please? It’ll feel good, I promise.”
She nodded, bewildered, and he smiled at her.
To Lisanne’s extreme embarrassment, his head disappeared between her thighs and she felt his hot tongue between her lips. When he flicked her clit, he drew a long moan from her.
Embarrassment fled, and Lisanne was pulled under again by the extremes of her responses.
Her fingers clawed at his shoulders, making him look up.
“Are you ready?” he asked, his voice tight with need.
“Y-yes, I think so,” she whispered.
He closed his eyes for a moment.
“Be sure, Lisanne.”
“Yes, I’m sure. Please, Daniel.”
The need in her own voice surprised her.
He pulled away from her and reached down to the floor to find his jeans, plucking out his wallet and grabbing a condom. He sat on the edge of the bed, ripping open the foil packet. Lisanne watched, fascinated, as he rolled the thin film of rubber over his erection, tugging it into place securely.
“Okay?” he said again, his eyes locked on hers.
She stroked his arm. “Yes.”
He climbed back onto the bed, his body shadowing hers.
Lisanne screwed her eyes shut and grabbed the duvet and sheet with her fingers, waiting for the invasion.
Her eyes flickered open in surprise when she felt soft kisses drifting across her chest and neck.
“Relax,” he breathed. “It’s going to be fine, baby.” He rubbed his nose across her cheekbone. “Kiss me, Lisanne.”
The way he said her name freed something in her mind. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth toward hers.
He kissed her with such intensity, with such certainty and ardor, that her whole body flamed under his touch.
Gently, he pushed her knees into place and settled himself between her legs. Using his left hand, he coaxed her knees upwards, stroking her thighs.
She felt his tip probing at her entrance and he pushed inside a short way.
Lisanne tensed immediately.
“Relax,” he breathed onto her lips.
She took a deep breath, and as she did so, he moved into her with a quick thrust.
Lisanne cried out as a brief spark of pain shot through her.
Daniel held himself without moving.
“Are you okay?” he asked tightly, staring down into her eyes.
“I … I think so.”
He moved his hips slowly, and sank a little deeper into her. She gasped as the strange and alien feeling filled her. Her flesh burned, but tiny shivers of desire skittered around the edges of her consciousness.
“Tap my arm if you want me to stop,” hissed Daniel, his eyes scrunched shut.
He started to pull out slowly, then push back in. Out and in, long, supple strokes.
Lisanne’s body stretched and pulsed around him, and he groaned.
He continued to move carefully, establishing a slow, steady rhythm.
“Fuck, you feel so damn good, baby doll. Nngh, shit…”
Lisanne opened her eyes and gazed down at herself, hypnotised by the way their flesh was initmately connected, his length glistening with the proof of her own arousal.
She looked up, and saw his eyes fixed on hers, full of dark heat. He circled his hips and she cried out again, this time with pleasure.
“Oh!” she breathed out, the sound faint on her lips, as she watched his eyelids flutter.
She gripped his biceps and Daniel opened his eyes.
“Okay, baby?”
“Oh, God, yes!” Lisanne gasped out.
He kissed her roughly and his hips began to move faster, the rhythm faltering slightly as he neared his own orgasm.
His breathing became erratic and he couldn’t help himself from thrusting hard, despite the promises to himself that he wouldn’t lose control.
“Shit, I’m coming,” he gasped.
He felt the tightening in his balls as Lisanne’s flesh quivered around him. She cried out again, and he felt it vibrate through her chest. It was too much.
He reared up, his back arching as he thrust into her one last time, trembled and was still.
Panting hard, he rested his forehead on her neck, and felt her soft hands in his hair. He took a deep breath to try and steady his racing heart, then reached down between them and made sure the condom was still in place as he carefully pulled out of her.
He noticed there was blood on the sheets and on his hand as he tugged off the condom and tied it in a knot, before dropping it onto the floor.
Concerned he’d hurt her, Daniel leaned up on his elbow and stared at her flushed face. Gently he stroked her cheek.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded, smiling up at him.
“Sure?”
She raised her fingers to his lips and pushed them into a smile.
“I’m sure.”
“Did it hurt? Did I hurt you?”
“A little, but it’s okay. It felt…” but Lisanne had no words.
Instead she smiled her answer and kissed him lightly on the lips.
Relieved, Daniel lay back, one hand behind his head.
Lisanne was struggling to define how she felt. Amazing, for one thing, but confused how pain—and it had hurt as he’d pushed inside her—how pain could bring such pleasure. Feeling him inside her, around her, surrounding her … seeing him move inside her—it had been extraordinary. And yet part of her felt the same: she was still Lisanne—music major and major nerd. She now knew that no matter how many times you read about the mechanics of making love with someone, it could never really explain the feeling. Girls at her high school had either raved about it or said it was horrible and painful.
Lisanne was definitely in the former category—it hadn’t felt like sex, it had felt like love. And, coming after her declaration to him, she knew he’d made love to her.
She snuggled into him, trailing her fingers over his chest and tugging gently on his nipple rings.
Then she leaned up to see his face.
“Why did you have your nipples pierced? Didn’t it hurt?”
He smiled.
“Yeah, a bit. It was intense.”
“But you like it?”
“Especially when you do that, baby doll. It’s a fucking orgasm waiting to happen.”
She grinned.
“What if I do this?”
She leaned down and sucked them into her mouth one at a time, teasing the tiny rings with her tongue.
When she looked up, Daniel’s eyelids had fluttered closed.
He opened one eye and smiled.
“Fucking hot!” he said. “You’ve given me a semi doing that.”
Lisanne gazed down and saw that the sheet was tenting slightly below his hips.
“Wow! That was quick! Um, I don’t think … I’m a bit sore.”
“It’s okay, baby,” he said, a smile tugging at his lips. “I can’t help getting hard around you. It’ll go away if I can think about math or something.”
Lisanne snorted and giggled. “Math?”
“Yeah, or something. C’mere.”
She lay across his chest and he stroked her back in soothing, loving touches.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms.