The funeral is awful. My Mother sobs loudly and clings to me, and I try hard to keep everything together. It’s hard when she’s so distraught. Once, I believe my dad was her everything. I guess I changed that for them. I hold her hand the entire service, and hold back my emotions. When it’s over, we stand and watch his grave being lowered into the ground.
“Thank you,” I whisper as they begin to cover it with dirt.
Jagger stands beside me the whole time, holding my other hand. I know he’s in pain, and I know it’s hard for him to stand this long but he does it for me. Jenny stands beside me and her hand strokes over Mom’s back and occasionally moves to mine. When it’s time to go back to our house for the wake, my Mother begs Sarah to let her go.
“You know I can’t do that.”
“Please, I want to be with my daughters for a while longer.”
“It’s ok Mom, we’ll come and visit tomorrow.” Jenny says, patting her hand.
“Please?” She pleads again.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.” Sarah sighs.
“We’ll come see you,” I say, trying to ease the situation. “I promise.”
Her distraught green eyes meet mine. “You forgave him, when will you forgive me?”
“Don’t do this now,” Jenny says gently.
“Not today Mom,” I whisper.
She hangs her head. “Ok, fine.”
“I promise we will be there tomorrow,” I say, feeling bad.
She nods and shuffles off towards the car. When she’s gone, Jenny takes my hand and we all make the journey home for the wake. Only a few old police friends show up, and I make them some small appetizers and serve drinks. As I’m in the kitchen preparing some fish cases, Jagger walks in and wraps his arms around my waist.
“Are you ok?”
I nod. “Yeah, I’m ok; thanks for being there for me today Jagger.”
He spins me around and takes my face in his hands. “I’ll always be here for you, Willow. You’re my everything now.”
I smile and he helps me take out the appetizers. A knock at the door sounds out just as I’m about to take the empty tray back into the kitchen. I stare at Ava and she shrugs, so I go over and open it. When I do, I’m faced with a very beautiful woman. She’s tall, with white blonde hair and big brown eyes. She’s quite possibly one of the most attractive women I’ve ever laid eyes on. She smiles at me, and I return it, wondering who she is?
“Holy shit,” I hear Angel breathe.
“Angel, it’s nice to see you…is…”
Her eyes move past me and I turn to see what she’s looking at. Jagger is holding a glass, and as though in slow motion, it slides from his hand and smashes on the floor. His eyes are red and glassy. Is Jagger….crying? Who is this woman? He chokes out some incoherent words and before I know it, the woman is shoving past me. She rushes towards him and throws herself into his arms.
What the hell am I missing here? I watch him wrap his arms around her and bury his face into her neck. My stomach turns and I feel sick. What the hell is going on here? Ava comes and stands beside me, her expression as confused as mine. When the two finally pull apart, Jagger looks her over. Maybe she’s a good friend or something?
“You’re…alive?”
Alive? What?
“I was in protection; I couldn’t risk anyone knowing I was alive. My life has been hell without you; it was the longest two years I’ve ever had. Oh Jagger, I thought about you every day. I’m so sorry.”
“I thought you were dead,” he chokes.
“I’m not; I’m here now baby, it’s all going to be ok. I’m home.”
Baby? This isn’t good. Ava takes my hand and I use her to steady myself. Jagger looks past this woman and meets my gaze. What is he trying to say to me?
“Sharleen, we need to…” he begins but she cuts him off.
“I’m home Jagger, I’m here forever, we’ll never be apart again. Your wife is home.”
That’s it for me, I turn and grip my keys. I need to get out of here, I can’t hear any more of this.
“Willow,” Jagger croaks.
I rush out the front door and onto the sidewalk, a moment later Jagger is behind me and gripping my arm.
“Wait.”
I spin around. “A wife?”
“I thought she was dead,” he whispers.
Fuck, he’s crying. Seriously, his eyes are watering. Big, tough Jagger is that emotional about seeing his wife again. How can I blame him for that? I can’t, even I’m not that selfish.
“Did you love her?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still?”
He looks away. “I thought she was dead…it wasn’t like we broke up because things went bad. Right now all I feel is happiness because she’s alive, I don’t know what else is in there.”
“What about us?”
He meets my gaze. “I just need some time…I need to get my head around this.”
My heart breaks, literally tears in half.
“Willow, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t,” I whisper, looking away.
“She’s my wife!”
“So you said!”
“You’re not looking at this from my eyes, imagine if I died tomorrow and suddenly showed back up two years later. It wouldn’t matter if you moved on, your feelings for me wouldn’t be gone, would they?”
“That’s unfair Jagger,”
“I’m not saying it’s over, I just…”
“You love her still, don’t you?”
He shakes his head helplessly, “I honestly can’t answer that right now.”
“Jagger, I can’t do this. I can’t sit and wait while you decide if you love your wife or not. I’m not mad at you, I get where you’re coming from but you can’t honestly ask me to wait.”
“You want this to end, don’t you?”
“What?” I cry, “Don’t turn it around on me!”
“Why not Willow? You’ve had that fuckin’ brick wall up since I met you. You wouldn’t fight for me if it came down to it, you just want to run, like you always do.”
“That’s not fair,” I say, swallowing madly.
“It’s the truth.”
“Look, just go back and do what you have to do, but don’t you make me feel bad for this. I don’t deserve that. I respect how you feel Jagger, I truly do and I understand why you’re confused, but you can’t ask me to wait around to see if my hearts going to get broken. I can’t do it.”
“I didn’t ask for this to happen…”
“And now it has, and you want me to just wait until you decide if you still love her or not...”
“I married her, I swore my loyalty. I thought she was dead, it ruined me and now she’s back. I can’t just tell her to get lost, I made her a promise.”
I choke a hoarse laugh. “Yeah, I guess you did. Looks like we’re done here…”
“Willow, fuck, don’t just walk away…”
“I don’t have the strength for this Jagger, I’m not strong enough. I love you, I can’t change how I feel but I don’t have it in me to sit around while you make a choice. The fact that the confusion is there, is enough for me to take the hint and run. I may be weak, and I may have a brick wall up, but you have to understand something about me. I have nothing to back me up when I fall, you do. I wish you all the best, Jagger, but we’re done.”
I turn and walk off into the darkness, and when I know he’s out of sight, I let the hot tears thunder down my cheeks.
CONTINUE WILLOW AND JAGGER’S STORY IN DARK DESIRE – RELEASED APRIL 2013.