I reached with my right hand and closed my hand around Sadie’s. It felt so good to have her back after a long day. The garage was a fucking mess. Paul was a no show after a night of drinking. A car that came in for a simple oil change turned into a shit show when the customer picked up the car, drove out of the lot, and popped the front tire on the curb. That apparently was our fault for having high curbs.

And that was just the beginning.

But none of that mattered when I felt Sadie’s hand in mine.

“Did you have a good time at Miss Lisa’s?” I asked.

“Not really.”

“No?”

“No,” Sadie said.

“Why not?”

Sadie tugged at my hand. We were halfway down the sidewalk. I looked down at her.

“Daddy, come here,” Sadie said.

I crouched down. My heart sank. I thought about all the crazy stories on the news about kids in daycare or at a babysitter’s house. Being a parent was thinking the worst. Being a single parent was thinking the worst, living most of it out, and never having someone to balance out the bullshit anxiety.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I don’t like it there,” Sadie said.

“Why?”

“I like Emily better,” she said.

I sighed. “Sadie…”

“Emily is nicer. She gave me popcorn. She let me use glitter. And glue. And she didn’t get upset when I spilled my drink on her table.”

“Sadie, Emily is not a babysitter.”

“She can be.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Just give her money. Like you do with Miss Lisa.”

I laughed. I wrapped my arms around Sadie and picked her up. “Let’s just leave this go, Sadie.”

“But Daddy…”

“Sadie,” I said, my voice a little more stern.

Her bottom lip instantly popped out.

The heartstrings were pulled. Hard.

I rubbed her back. “Sweetheart, it’s been a long day, okay? I want to go home and make some dinner and spend time with you.”

“Fine,” Sadie said.

I got her into the truck and drove away, looking back every few seconds, wondering if she was hurt. If she was mad at me. If she was carrying anger and guilt like I was.

I sighed under my breath and looked at my phone in the cup holder.

Days had gone by since my fuck up when I called Emily the wrong name.

On the way home, Sadie’s attitude changed when she saw that the yearly carnival was being set up in the parking lot of the fire department. The boney structure of the ferris wheel was being erected while the rest of the rides and games were folded down, tucked in like sleeping beasts.

“Daddy!” she yelled. “Daddy! Can we go? Can we go?”

“They’re not open tonight, Sadie,” I said.

“But when they open! Can we go? Can we?”

I glanced in the mirror again.

What better way to drop fifty bucks and come home with a piece of junk toy that gets thrown out the next trash day?

“Of course we can,” I said.

Sadie let out a yell of happiness.

She ate dinner without a fight. She took a bath and told all her bath toys about the carnival. She made me make up a story about a carnival at bedtime.

Just when I thought the day was finally over, Sadie hugged me, gave me an extra kiss on the cheek, and she whispered, “You should invite Emily, Daddy. She’s alone, like you are. You two should be together.”

* * *

“Glad I got the small one,” I said to Sadie.

She looked up at me with blue lips and blue around her mouth. Even the tip of her nose was blue. She handed me the mostly full stick of cotton candy and touched her stomach.

“I’m full.”

“Great,” I said.

I held her sticky hand as we walking through the lot. The smell of funnel cakes and burgers, the sizzling of fries, the smack of the metal gates, bells ringing, whistles whirring, kids charging around, yelling and laughing.

I hadn’t been to the carnival since…

“Daddy! Look at the train!” Sadie cried out.

Sadie started to pull me. I hurried to toss the cotton candy and grabbed for my back pocket. I pulled out tickets for Sadie to ride the train. Mind you, it was a small train with three cars. It made a circle that was smaller than our backyard.

But for Sadie…

“Here you go,” I said to the ride operator.

He lifted an orange bucket with a, jagged cut hole at the top. I had to put the tickets into the bucket myself. He pushed from his stool and groaned as he opened the metal gate. He gave a nod to Sadie. She took two steps and looked back at me.

“Daddy…?”

“I’m right here,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll get some pictures, okay?”

Sadie took another step. I saw her right hand twitching. She was looking for Bo.

Dammit.

Somewhere in my mind I pictured Everly breezing right by me. Scooping Sadie up and taking her on the train. Because that’s what she used to do. I used to stand there and watch mother and daughter share moments that could never be replaced and never be taken away. But what could be taken away was the promise of a future of moments.

“Daddy… will you come too?”

The rest of the train was starting to fill up.

The operator looked at me, obviously annoyed that my kid was the one holding up his ride.

“Do you mind?” I asked him.

“Two tickets, brother,” he said.

“You’re kidding?”

“Two tickets,” he said.

I ripped two more tickets off the twenty dollar booklet and tossed them into the bucket. I promised myself I wouldn’t say a word about paying four freaking dollars to ride in a circle for two minutes.

I plastered a smile on my face and took Sadie by the hand. We climbed into the train, which was made for kids. I was hunched over like a giant. My ass didn’t fit in the seat. My knees pressed hard against the train car in front of us. I managed to get an arm around Sadie and I pulled her close.

The operator climbed into the front and blew the weak sounding train whistle.

The ride started to move with a jerk, the cars gently rocking left to right, making me wonder if we were going to tip over. Then again, the thing was barely moving. I could have picked up the train and carried it faster.

I looked over at Sadie and she looked up at me. She smiled.

“Choo-choo,” I whispered and winked.

She held on to me tight.

The train kept going.

“I like this,” she said. “We’re safe from monsters, right?”

“Of course we are, my lady,” I said in my terrible English accent. “No dragon nor evil knight will be able to hurt you now. We will arrive at your castle in approximately-”

“Daddy?” Sadie cut in.

“Yeah?”

“That’s enough. You’re starting to ruin it.”

I laughed.

I tickled Sadie and she let out a laughing cry.

We made our first lap around the tracks and had two more to go.

“Hey, how about a picture?” I asked. “I usually take your picture when I’m standing over there. But now I can take one here.”

“A selfie?” Sadie asked.

I raised an eyebrow. “You know what that is?”

“Of course I do. My friend in class, Madison, she has a camera. Really.”

“Wow,” I said. “Good for Madison.”

“I want a camera.”

“Well, maybe we should take that up later in life. With Santa.”

“He’ll bring it. He always brings what I want.”

I nodded.

I took out my cell phone and Sadie and I got even closer.

Of all the things I had done in my life and thought I would do, I never thought I would be taking a selfie with my daughter in a train at a carnival.

Just thinking that made my head spin.

The weirdest feeling was being around so many people yet feeling so alone. Half the people knew me, knew Sadie, knew the situation. Half of those people wouldn’t even look at us, as though we had done something wrong. The other half of those people only looked at us with sad eyes.

Fucking people.

The train began to make its final time around the tracks.

I took a deep breath.

We still had a long night out, walking, playing games, riding rides, me eventually carrying Sadie because her legs would get sooooo tired. All in a day’s work for me and nothing I would give up.

Except the feeling of reaching to my right and not feeling someone’s hand.

Being alone in a crowd was a low damn feeling.

What I didn’t know was that someone was watching me - the one person who had the ability to change the course of my life again.