The quiet. That’s what this is right now. The quiet. When you left, things were noisy. They were fast. They were so fucking loud, Ev. Everyone had their say. Everyone wanted to be near me, to be near Sadie. I had so many sudden decisions to make, ones that came with no warnings at all. So many decisions I had to make alone while caring for Sadie.

Now it’s the opposite.

It’s quiet. There’s no more food getting dropped off. No more random phone calls. Fuck, no flowers either. The only thing we get now are the silent looks. Anywhere I go, with or without Sadie, people just look. I get it. I’m now the potential tragedy. I’m the reminder that every second of life is precious and most of us take those seconds for granted. And, fuck, if that doesn’t go through me hard. I’d give up everything I own for just one minute to hold you, Everly.

Yet what did we do?

When we first met, Ev, it was just us. Two people living in two shit apartments. All we wanted was to be together. Random road trips to anywhere we wanted. We’d watch a movie and then take off to go and get food because of the movie, the beach because of the movie, whatever we wanted.

What happened?

It’s just something nudged us forward. We worked more. We saved more. We did less. Not that I would ever trade our nights on the couch with movies. Or trying to do a puzzle on the coffee table only to get pissed off, a little drunk, and then I took you to bed.

I remember when we looked at the house. What the fuck were we doing looking at a house? I still don’t know but it felt right. It felt like it was time. We wanted a family, right? We wanted to have something that was our own. Our little sliver of the cake that was supposed to be heaven.

I don’t know, Ev. It’s so quiet around here now. It gets worse when Sadie is napping or sleeping. I reach across my bed looking for you. I stand outside the door to our room and put my hand to the door wishing I could hear your voice. I even had a crazy thought of you with another man. If I lost you to another man… I would accept that over what really happened. That’s how fucked up my head is right now.

We became a family in this house, Ev. I carried you through the doorway. You decorated everything in this house. I worked my ass off to earn as much as I could at the garage and gave it all to you, loving the way you loved having this house to make our own. You pregnant, sitting on the couch with your feet up. A rippled potato chip sticking out of a scoop of ice cream, the bowl balanced on your round belly. You’d watch the craziest shows with a wild look in your eyes but if a commercial came on with a family or pets, you’d cry. Shit, commercials about home loans, security systems, cars, clothing… you were such a sucker for those commercials.

I loved your belly. I loved resting my head on it. On my knees, on the floor before you. I was forever yours, Everly. I bowed to you. You commanded me. I could stand a hundred feet tall over your five foot frame and you’d still destroy me with your eyes and words. I’d hug you and I’d feel Sadie kick me. I’d cry but make sure you never saw it. You’d run your fingers through my hair. I’d breathe in that moment and tell myself I would never forget it.

Here I thought I’d someday talk to you about that shit… not write it in a letter that will get shoved into a closet. A letter you’d never read because you can’t fucking read it.

I remember you pacing the downstairs when you started to go into labor. You made me get a notebook and time the contractions. I walked by your side for hours, overnight, waiting for something to happen. And what did we do? We went back to bed around four. I figured I’d get three hours of sleep and hit the shop for eight. But at six in the morning you woke me up. You were trying to sneak out of the bed, embarrassed that you wet the bed. Ah, Ev, that was such a moment. Your water broke. You were nine months pregnant. You were still trying to be this perfect woman for me. I loved you so much for so much but that moment was just…

You looked back at me and I saw it in your eyes. You needed me more than ever. You were terrified. You had no clue what to expect.

And I was there. You chose me to be the guy to be there. You chose me to trust with everything in those precious and scary moments of your life.

You never told me how I did and that’s okay.

We made it.

We got to the hospital. I threw the keys to my truck at a guy in a black shirt, thinking he was a security guard. He was just some guy waiting for his ride. Thankfully he didn’t steal my truck. I raced you to the elevators, your hand squeezing mine. I got you up to labor and delivery.

Then it all happened.

Within a few hours after that it was just you, me, and Sadie.

And now it’s just me and Sadie.

And it’s so quiet, Ev. The house is quiet. You’re not moving furniture around. You’re not worried about paint colors. You’re not looking to the weekend to go to little antique shops for shit to hang on the walls. You’re not standing in the kitchen, looking out the window, blowing into a fresh cup of coffee.

You’re not here, Everly.

But I’m here.

I signed up for forever with you. I didn’t sign up to being alone.

It’s so quiet… but not in my head. Not in my heart either.

I love you endlessly,

Jake