I broke his stare

his eyes shatter like glass

a fist against the mirror, no more reflection

Words that fell

my knees to the soft ground

mud as evidence

our hearts and future stand, on trial

Your touch I miss

ghostly and cold

barely even touching

i shiver in the heat

the heat that’s still there, between us

Come home, to this home

you have a real home

as do i

it’s not the standing one with pretty windows

and curtains to match

it’s not the front yard with a cherry blossom tree

it’s all… reality… is in your eyes

I clicked SEND on the email and sent over another chunk of writing. My book had a publisher and the next step was to figure out a date. When it came to writing poetry and publishing, most of the print runs were small, but I had three poems published in magazines that had gotten some attention. I was even offered to write against photography. Have a spread in a national magazine, telling a story. In my head, I had the perfect image.

A man with his daughter. Walking down a path. Trees all around.

I could write for days about it.

Truthfully, the only reason I was writing so much was because I couldn’t sleep.

I kept replaying what had happened between me and Jake over and over. He had taken a stab at my heart, and it hurt bad. If I had deserved it, so be it. But I had no idea what Jake had told Sadie about her mother. We had been sitting there outside when Sadie looked up and around. I asked her what she was doing and she said she thought she heard angel wings. Then she told me this elaborate story about angels. How they took her mother. How they saved her mother from a car accident. Listening told me that Sadie really believed that her mother was just hiding somewhere.

And I never meant to confuse Sadie or hurt her, if that’s what I did. She simply asked me when do angels bring someone back. And wanted to know if the angels were able to bring back her dead goldfish. I was more or less talking about the goldfish and Sadie connected the dots to her mother. She was so smart. So beautifully smart. And even when she made the connection, she seemed to get it. Like perhaps somewhere inside her precious mind she already knew the truth and was just waiting for a trusted adult to confirm it.

I sat at the table with my morning coffee and barely sipped it.

Sleep wasn’t my friend.

I looked around my house and felt like I was a stranger inside it.

My mind tracked back to my grandmother. Sitting at the side of her bed, reading her my poetry. She would stare at me and I would never know if she knew who I was. That was my life for years. Living with someone who could one second know you and the next second not know you.

But poetry she really liked. I remember a few times I would catch her sitting up in bed reading my poetry. She had this angelic voice. She had been an amazing singer. But she could only sing when her mind wasn’t there. How cruel was that? When she was in the present, she couldn’t sing. It was like her vocal chords gave up. Showed their age. But when her mind slipped back in time, her vocal chords suddenly worked. They worked perfectly, beautifully, her voice so crisp that it brought tears to my eyes.

I downed my coffee and wiped a tear from my eye. I left my half full mug on the table, along with my laptop.

I knew at some point I had to talk to Jake.

There was no way we could just leave things be.

I wasn’t going to let this happen again. What happened to me before was one thing. That was his choice to go back to his ex. That was my choice to just slip away, for the sake of everyone. But now? No way. I loved Jake more than I loved any man ever. And as for Sadie? I loved her like a daughter, but more than that, I loved her as the daughter of Everly. And I wanted to be the woman who would raise Sadie and still keep Everly alive in her heart.

Avoiding Jake would make things worse. Plus, we were neighbors. There was no changing that. I’d see him every day. I’d see Sadie every day. We’d have to talk and figure something out.

I knew he loved me. I loved him. And I would do anything for him.

I grabbed my bag and left the house for another day. It didn’t feel right that I’d be with Sadie before I talked to Jake. But that was how the schedule went.

Then again, stepping out of my house, I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Somewhere inside my heart I wished there would be flowers from Jake. Or Jake himself standing there wanting to talk.

Instead, I got the worst punch to the gut of my life.

I stepped off my porch and saw two things.

One - Jake’s truck was gone.

Two - there was a FOR SALE sign in the yard.

* * *

Sadie wasn’t there.

I played it off like nothing but each time I looked at her empty chair and empty spot at the table I wondered where she was. If Jake purposely kept her away because of me. If Jake was going to keep her away forever. Or if Jake had her in his truck, driving many states to get away from me.

I couldn’t focus and ended up making more of a mess than all the kids combined. I knocked over a large container of paint water. I knocked over a container of paint. I ripped someone’s painting by accident. And to top it off I stepped on a lunch bag and squished someone’s sandwich.

It was like I was trapped in some cute bad luck movie, but in reality, I was just trapped in my own mind and my own heart.

During lunch, Julie put her hand to mine. “You haven’t eaten. You okay?”

“Perfect,” I lied.

“Really?”

“Just a rough day,” I said.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Honestly? No.”

“Okay,” Julie said. “I’m just putting a few pieces of this puzzle together. Me being nosey. Sadie isn’t here. You’re not focused. And I heard Jake put his house up for sale. I hope that doesn’t mean something happened between you two.”

Of course. Small town living. Everyone loves a tragedy.

“No,” I lied again. “Just… the way life changes, that’s all. It’s been a hectic year for me. My grandmother passing. Moving. So many changes, you know? I, uh, had some really exciting things happen with my writing. So I’m sort of anxious and nervous, you know?”

I caught myself asking you know? about two thousand times.

Each time I said you know? was a hidden cue for I’m just spitting bullshit.

I was never so happy to see a day come to an end. I raced to my car and raced home.

When I got there, there were two cars in the driveway. Two cars I never saw before.

I slowly climbed out of my car as the front door to Jake’s house opened. Out came a man in a suit. He was holding a leather portfolio. Realtor. Behind him was a man and a woman who was holding a little boy.

My heart sank.

They looked right at me and gave a wave.

I waved back.

“What do you think?” the man yelled to me. “The neighborhood?”

Tell them it’s horrible. Tell them to go away. Tell them so they’ll never buy the house.

“It’s wonderful,” I said. “I just moved in this past year myself. I love it. Quiet street. Quiet neighborhood.”

“That’s great,” the man said. “Thank you.”

“And the taxes are really low,” the realtor said. “You know, being in a place like this is perfect for a family. You’re a heartbeat away from the highways and city but you’re far enough to avoid all that madness.”

I couldn't hear anymore. I walked to my house and went inside.

I shut the door and didn’t make another step.

I fell back against the door and broke down in tears.

* * *

I sat on the deck with my feet up on the railing. I had a drink I didn’t touch. I had a notebook I didn’t touch. I simply just sat there and watched the sun slowly set. My mind was aching from thinking too much. I just wanted to sleep but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

I shut my eyes for a few minutes just to catch my breath.

That’s when I heard someone say my name.

“Emily! Emily!”

I popped up and turned to see Sadie climbing up the stairs of my deck.

I did a double take for a second but she was really there.

I fell to my knees and opened my arms.

Sadie raced into my arms and I hugged her tight. I felt like I hadn’t seen her in months when it had only been a couple days.

My heart ached and I choked back tears.

Jake appeared and he stood at the top step of the deck. “Sadie, come on.”

Sadie backed away. “Daddy said you were writing lots of words. Is that true?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Are you coming over for dinner?”

“Oh, not tonight. I have… I just can’t tonight.”

I glanced at Jake.

He had a stone face.

“We looked at a new house today,” Sadie said. “I got to pick out my own room! I’m getting a new room, Emily!”

“Wow,” I said. “That sounds amazing.”

“We saw four houses,” Sadie said. “I don’t know which one I like best.”

“Sadie, that’s enough,” Jake said. “Come on. We need to get you to bed soon. We’ve had a long day.”

“Okay, Daddy,” Sadie said. She trotted away. She knew nothing of what had happened between me and her father.

He rubbed his massive hand to her little head and she hurried across the yard.

Jake looked at me.

“You’re selling your house?” I asked.

“Time for a change,” he said.

“Right.”

Then there was silence.

I stood up. I had nothing to lose… except everything.

“Whatever you think I did, I’m sorry. For the way it happened. But not for the truth. You know the truth…”

“Save it,” Jake said, holding his hand up. “I have to go get my daughter ready for bed.”

“Right. Your daughter.”

“I’ll stop by later, if that’s okay.”

“Whatever, Jake.”

Jake turned and walked away.

I waited for him to turn back and get the last word in, but he didn’t.

And the final piece of my heart broke.