I didn’t expect a thing, which hurt. I was let down and I felt like I let myself down. Jake’s house was for sale. He was going to buy a new house. All of this happening because of something I did.

I sat on the couch, alone, flicking through a thousand channels.

When I heard a soft tap at my front door, I muted the TV, wondering if I was hearing things.

I heard the sound again and I knew I wasn’t crazy.

The first thing I did was look at the deck door. Jake had said he was going to meet me there later, but that was hours ago. And I wasn’t going to just sit there like some puppy dog, waiting for its master to come. I may have done wrong in his eyes and maybe I had done wrong all around, but that didn’t mean I should be treated like shit.

I opened the front door and saw Jake standing there. He slipped his hands into his pockets and raised an eyebrow, looking so sexy it was unfair to my body. My mind knew right from wrong. My heart was confused. But my body could only go by what my eyes were feeding it.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

“Sure.”

I turned on the porch light and stepped out to the porch.

“I said I was going to meet you on the deck.”

“That was hours ago.”

“Sadie gave me a hard time going to sleep. Sorry.”

“Because of me?”

“Actually, yeah.”

“Fuck.” I lowered my head. “Jake, I’m…”

I felt Jake touch my face. Shivers went through my body. He lifted my chin so our eyes locked. “Not what you think.”

“What do you mean then?”

“She was upset that you weren’t there. She thinks something is wrong. That angels are going to come get you next.”

“What…”

“She loves you, Em.”

“What about you?” I asked.

“You really hurt me. And I can’t figure out why.”

“Please don’t sell your house,” I said. “I’ll sell my house. I’ll move, Jake. Don’t take Sadie away from what she knows and loves.”

“It’s not that,” Jake said. He sighed and rubbed his chin. He backed up and leaned against the porch pillar. “Here’s the thing. I’ve been hiding in that fucking house since Everly died. It’s not about memories. It’s about what I did wrong. I hid Everly’s death from Sadie. And in a way I hid her death from me. I left the room the way it was as though she was coming back. I slept in the fucking guest room for years. Anytime I saw something that reminded me of her, I hid it. Imagine the world just stops. Right? Time just stops. But you’re the so called lucky one who gets to keep living. That’s how it’s been for me. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here, Em. When Everly died… I had nobody, Em. I had Mickey. Mickey’s old school. He lost his wife. He spiraled out of control. I couldn’t do that though. I had to take care of Sadie. The pain I felt… I didn’t want her to feel it the way I did. So I let her believe what she wanted. And I know that’s wrong. And I know that’s fucked up, Em.”

“It’s not though,” I said. “I had no idea…”

“I know. I should have told you what happened. The reason I got so fucking pissed off, Em, was that Sadie accepted it. That night when she brought it up, she was so mature. Like my little girl who loves unicorns and teas parties was this little woman, able to absorb such a fucking huge piece of sadness. Christ, she’s stronger than me and she’s only four.”

“She’s strong like that because of you, Jake,” I said. “You have to realize that.”

“No. It’s because of her mother. Those are strong genes. And because of you. Everything you’ve done for her since we’ve met. I don’t want to fuck this up, Em.”

“Fuck what up?” I asked.

“This,” Jake said. “Us. You. Me. Sadie. The entire thing. It’s why I can’t be here anymore. I’m chasing a ghost. I’m chasing memories that aren’t there. I’m chasing moments that will never happen. So my next step is to start over.”

I felt my heart aching. The pieces were fluttering for Jake. My eyes filled with tears.

“That’s how I felt when I had to leave my grandmother’s house,” I whispered.

“So you get it,” Jake said. “I just have to figure out something else.”

We just stared at each other. Broken. In love. No fucking clue what to do next.

“I didn’t mean what I said,” Jake said. “That was fucking mean. So fucking mean. You’re a beautiful person, Emily. In some ways I’m hoping by me moving you’ll move too… away from me. Everything I am. I want you to have more.”

I crept closer to him. I slipped my hands around his body. I put my head to his chest and smelled him. It was the greatest feeling in the world.

“You’re everything I want and need,” I whispered. “I don’t want anything more because I have you.”

Jake touched my shoulders and slowly backed me away. He looked at me and nodded.

“What?” I asked.

“I bought a house today,” Jake admitted. “One of the four we saw. And I accepted an offer on my house next door. It’s happening. We’re not going to be neighbors anymore, Em.”

“That’s good,” I said. “We’re not neighbors now, Jake. We’re together.”

“That might be the scariest thing I ever heard in my life.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m scared too, Jake. Because when you move now we have to work at this. It won’t be easy.”

“My heart is broken, Em.”

I touched his chest. “I know it is.”

“There’s no faking with me. I don’t know when things will ever change. There’s dates on the calendar I can’t avoid. Neither can Sadie.”

“I would never ask you to avoid how you feel.”

“Emily, think about this for a second. How were things with your grandmother?”

“What?”

“When you first went to take care of her. It was new. You were committed. In your heart you were going to do everything that needed to be done. But I’m sure after a while it got to you. Right? Not going out with friends. Having those bad moments with her. Knowing she was going to slip away. How did you feel at the end compared to the beginning?”

“Jake…”

“I’m the same way,” he said. “Right now you think you can save me. Heal me. Love me until I’m all better. But it’s bullshit, Em. It’s complete bullshit. I’m going to wear you out. Sadie is going to wear you out. That’s not fair to you, princess.”

“Jake, no. You don’t know how I feel.”

Jake nodded. “I’m just trying to save you from making a big mistake.”

He leaned in and kissed my head.

He grabbed the baby monitor out of his pocket and gave it a wave. The cue that he was leaving.

As he walked away, I leaned against the pillar. Everything hurt on the inside.

Jake paused at the little white fence that the two of us had climbed over hundreds of times to get to each other.

He looked back. “I love you, Em. Goddammit, do I love you. And if you do decide on forever, I want you to know that I will give you my forever.”

He walked away for good.

I just stood there, thinking. Time slipped away. I cried. I ran out of tears. My stomach growled for a midnight snack. I cried again.

Then I found words.

The only words that mattered.

And I whispered them as I looked up at the star draped sky.

“I love you, Jake. I love you, Sadie. And, Everly, I will share his forever if it’s okay with you…”