Chapter Three: Floating and Crashing

Nathaniel

“Is this the way back to town?”

“Not really,” Juliana says.

She wanted to drive Chris’s truck even though I offered to. Considering the circumstances, maybe I should have insisted, but she’s handling the vehicle fine. We were only a few miles from the Abeyta household when she turned off the paved road. Juliana’s confidence is apparent as we four wheel it over a single lane dirt track.

“Where are we?” I ask.

“Somewhere in the San Juan National Forest.”

Since she isn’t being specific, I sit back and take in the view. Juliana drives deeper into this section of the forest. We’ve long since climbed out of the valley with the tall cottonwoods and the abundant plant life. Except for a few pines, the trees grow shorter and bushier the farther we are from the river. The uneven ground alternates between being too sandy or too rocky and the ride is rough, but the scenery is peaceful and there’s no one around. No vehicles and no people are anywhere to be seen.

At last, she pulls to the side into a patch of scrubby grass and kills the engine. A timid half smile graces her lips. I interpret it as a “just go with it” kind of look. Then she’s out the door and walking toward the sunset. She stops hiking at the top of a rocky bluff. In front of our feet, shelves of rock tumble down the mountain to the valley below.

This must be the break she needed. She isn’t trying to climb or scramble over anything and she isn’t even inspecting the plants that grow here. She’s staring at the miles of forest and hills, mesa’s and buttes, and the sun moving farther west with every passing minute.

“How’s the new client?” she asks as she finds a somewhat level place to sit among the tuffs of grass and sandy gravel.

I lower myself down next to her.

“He’s different,” I say. “Detached from his emotions and possibly brainwashed.”

“Brainwashing should be punishable by death.” Juliana tosses a pebble over the steep incline.

“I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional. As twisted as it may be, I suspect his family is trying to help him. I think he’s confused about who he truly is versus what people have told him to be. In an extreme way.”

“That sounds sad.”

“It is. People like to form these neat little boxes around their life. They want everything to fit inside just right. Steven doesn’t fit in his family’s box. He doesn’t want to, either. I respect him for that, but he isn’t sure how to handle the feelings it creates inside himself. He’s a lit fuse and I’m not sure where or when the explosion is going to happen.” Juliana takes a deep breath. “You’re defusing right now, aren’t you?”

“Yes and no.” She tips her face to look up at me. “I’m processing too much lately. My brother, my recent injuries, and then what happened today. The whole summer keeps swirling around in my head like mud stew.”

Her eyes have so much depth that I could sit here all day and try to puzzle out what I see going on inside her. There are layers of compassion, intrigue, wonder, and fear in those emerald eyes sparkled with bits of sun. I know a fox lives inside her somewhere.

“Ready to talk about what happened? Sometimes the act of talking can help clear your mind.” I shift my gaze out across the distance to where the house should be past the wide bend in the river.

“No,” she says and shakes her head. “Maybe. I want to forget today and all the drama in my life.” She tosses another pebble over the edge. “I thought I was pregnant after the whole possession thing.”

This is news to me and I try not to let the shock of her words show on my face. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, but words are slipping by, I don’t want to interrupt. Speaking one’s troubles can be cathartic for the mind and soul.

“And I never want to spend a night in a hospital bed again. And I don’t want to talk to ghosts — ever. I want no part of it.” She pulls off a necklace of colorful beads and shoves them into her jeans pocket. She rests her cheek against my shoulder and her breath caresses the side of my neck. I wrap my arm around her shoulders.

“I’m so done,” she says.

I lean in, waiting to see if there’s anything else she wants to get off her chest.

She says, “When are you going to figure out that hanging out with a freak isn’t fun?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“Har har,” she says. “Really, Nathaniel, after today there’s no hope that my life will ever be normal.”

“Normal never appealed to me.”

“You’re lying, aren’t you?”

“I don’t lie.”

“Oh, right. Angels and lying don’t really blend.”

“Honor and integrity are the blight of my existence,” I say.

“Not your metaphysical woo-woo freak girlfriend and her dying brother?”

“You’re the reason I’m not more like my suicidal clients,” I say with complete honesty.

“I’m starting to think you’re crazier than I am,” she says, and I feel her smile into my neck.

“Definitely crazy about you.”

She reaches up, fingers running through my hair to grip the back of my head until she pulls me down to meet her face to face.

Juliana is a wet dream and a warm bed wrapped in tenderness with a side of sexy vixen lingering just below the surface. Her teeth graze my lower lip and then she tastes me with the tip of her tongue. Then, and only then, does she place those unbelievably soft and gorgeous lips against mine and lets me kiss her fully. It’s never tentative for long between us. It’s hard to tell who escalates things faster. Our need for one another seems equal in every way.

When I think about her wanting me the way I want her, I almost can’t stop myself from taking her all the way. The universe has granted me the unbelievable gift of having a girl in my arms. A girl of infinite wonder and depth who challenges me and makes me feel things I’ve never known.

My fingers trail over her spine and I savor the shiver that rolls through her body. The tiny whimper from deep in her throat makes me grip onto her tighter. The desire to have her close to me and never let go is brutally exquisite torture. Her hands explore. They tease and taunt me into needing to possess her.

I break our kiss before I can’t stop the progression of where this is headed. But unable to stop completely, I trail kisses along her neck to the milky curve of her shoulder and slowly move away from her in millimeters and with wrenching regret.

Her whimpers increase as she leans her head back to expose more skin to me.

“Woman, you’re killing me,” I groan and linger on her collarbone for a few more stolen moments.

“You’re not even alive,” she teases as her hands begin to explore new places we haven’t ventured to before. “Oh, but you are,” she adds with a new kind of excitement in her voice as her hand grazes over a very sensitive part of my anatomy.

I move back to her mouth and kiss her with a hunger that defies explanation. The idea of stopping vanishes in an instant. Before I know what’s happening, we’re lying in the sandy dirt with the hardy grass digging into our sides and engulfed by the scent of sagebrush. Juliana’s lean and soft, yet firm and muscular. Her legs are as long as a summer sunset and she wraps one over mine to flip me onto my back.

“Nathaniel, be with me?” she whispers as she nibbles my earlobe. Her heart is beating fast and hard against my chest. I feel her hand reaching for the button at the top of my waistband.

As much as I love the feeling of her stretched out on top of me, I grip her firmly and sit up so she’s nestled on my lap.

I lean her back so I can finish exploring the bare skin exposed at the collar of her shirt. I dare to let my lips move an inch lower before making my way up her neck to her jaw line and finally place my lips on hers.

“As long as you want me, I’m here for you,” I say, letting her see my truth. See my soul seeking hers with my eyes.

“I don’t want to wait anymore, Nathaniel. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone so much.”

I take her mouth with mine again and groan from the pleasure and the pure agony of what I’m about to say. After another slow and wanting kiss, I pull back and lower my head. “I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

Her voice is thick, but also shaky. She begins to slide off me. I hug her close, hands firmly on her waist so she can’t escape.

“It’s because of what I said, isn’t it? There are holes in my memory from when I was possessed. It’s terrible. I had to be sure about the pregnancy part. I’m not pregnant, but I can’t guarantee nothing happened that night after the club.”

“Juliana,” I interrupt.

She’s rubbing her forehead with the heel of her palm and hiding under a wave of her silken hair.

“I’ll keep saying it until you believe me. Whatever happened during the time you were possessed is in the past where it belongs. I love you like the ocean loves the moon. You control the tides and the currents running through my veins. You are the source behind my every movement.”

“Then I want to be with you with the sky watching us.”

“No,” I say. My own murderous knife plunges into my chest as I deny her request.

She pulls back hard enough that I have to let her go. I reach for her hand, unwilling to break the connection completely.

“I’m not rejecting you, love.”

“Feels like it,” she says.

“Urrgh,” I growl.

She tries to pull free again.

“Please, Juliana. Let me explain.”

She chews her bottom lip, looking rejected and forlorn. I’ve wanted to punch myself in the face many times before, but never quite as bad as I want to right now. I am the definition of a turdball. The most beautiful and amazing person in the world wants to make love to me in the middle of the high desert on a perfect evening and I tell her no.

“There are stories about giants and monsters being born after angels lie with women. It was eons ago, but even in the most ancient tales, there is always a grain of truth.”

“You think you’re going to hurt me?”

“I can’t risk it.”

“I think it’s a bunch of religious garbage.”

“I’ve never heard the stories are false.”

“I was planning on using protection,” she says as if it’s a no brainer. “I doubt they had condoms in ancient times.”

“You’re right,” I concede. “But I still don’t feel comfortable about placing you in danger.”

She shudders and finally meets my eyes. Her hand moves to my chest. “You don’t want to be with me physically until you have a real body again?”

“Unless I find out I can’t hurt you, yes.”

“What if I tell you if I’m in danger?”

“It’s not a good idea.” Her energy passes through her palm and spreads through me. It’s a part of her. A delicate beautiful piece of who she is. And she’s willing to give me her energy and much more, and I want to return this gift more than anything else, but not if it hurts her. God, how can I deny her? And who cares about going to heaven? I want a life with this vixen. Bring on the strangeness, the heartache, arguments, and endless confusion of emotions tangled with desire and longing for another soul. I need Juliana to mix up my world. I need my life back.

“What if I were like you? Do angels sleep together?”

“That line of thinking is closed. I mean it, Juliana.”

“Just curious,” she says defensively.

“You can’t become what I am. You have to be chosen. Everyone else passes to the hereafter. The other side is different from life in the physical world. The afterlife is a good place, but we won’t be together. I’m an Angel of Death, and I don’t get to cross.”

“Okay, okay,” she says with forced resignation and rises to her feet. Juliana tries to look preoccupied as she brushes the dust off her clothes.

I climb to my feet, blow out a deep breath for having to play the role of mega dillhole, and take her hands in mine.

“Ready to call it quits now?” I ask half joking, but secretly fearing she will agree.

She shakes her head as she stares at her Chucks.

“You should have believed me when I told you my integrity was the blight of my pitiful existence.”

“You’re not so bad,” she says. “And you’re pretty good at kissing.”

“Pretty good? Going straight to my ego. Hit him while he’s down. Didn’t know you could be so vicious.”

“All right. You’re slightly better than pretty good,” she says, adjusting her previous description.

“Maybe you should give me a lesson because you’re knock-my-socks off amazing at it.”

“I guess I could try to show you a couple of things,” she says, a teasing smile gracing her lips.

“Thank the gods; she’s willing to teach a fool like me,” I say to the sky.

Juliana leans into me and I take full advantage of her offer. After a mind-bending, soft and gentle, then feverish and lustful exploration of each other’s mouths, she rests her head against my shoulder and we float back to earth together.

I stroke her hair and hold her close, knowing our bodies fit perfectly together. “Our first time will be worth waiting for, Juliana. I promise.”