Chapter Eighteen

In Deep

Garrett

Nothing has ever felt so fucking good as this moment, Brand holding our hands, walking through a place that once brought me calm.

In the six years I was gone, I never imagined I could have this; didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Brandon to be accepting of this, either, but he is. And Juliana, she deserves this, too. She deserves it more than she knows.

As we come up over the hill, I see Gage pacing by the lake where everyone is sitting and ready for dinner.

Phoenix points, and Gage looks and sighs.

Juliana looks at me nervously, and I nod, hoping to let her know it’s fine. She looks down.

When we get closer, Brand drops our hands and runs to Gage, who bends down and catches him as Brand jumps into his waiting arms.

I stop and watch them.

Juliana looks back at me. “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“It’s gonna be fine. One day, Juliana, one day and look at him. He’s gonna be fine, so are you.” I walk up and grab her hand. “I promise.”

She looks down at my hand holding hers and slowly pulls away. “It’s not that easy. It’s not.”

“Can be if we let it,” I tell her, crossing my arms over my chest.

“How do you forgive someone who crushed you, pushed you into a corner where you latched on to a lifeline made of lies and deceit, and left you dangling above shards of glass for six years, Garrett?”

“Little dramatic, isn’t it?” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. But here, this land, it makes me feel like everything will be just fine.

She shakes her head. “I’d rather have burnt up in that house than feel like I have for years.”

I shake my head.

“Did you start that fire?” she asks.

I shake my head again.

“Then what did you mean?”

“I knew they would,” I tell her. “Down deep, I knew they would, and I wanted them to. I didn’t drop the match or tip the poison over, but I got the ball rolling.”

She shrugs. “You didn’t do it then.”

“I used the words ‘That place goes up in flames, you let the fucker burn,’ and it happened. I knew those fuckers were afraid of me, thought I was Deed’s bitch. I pushed it. Knew it back then and never felt guilty. Still don’t.”

She rolls her eyes. “So, you think your words hold that much power?”

“Hell yes, I do,” I answer, confident as fuck.

“We’re never gonna be right,” she says. “We’ve been branded by way too many as nothings. Brands don’t fucking go away. They stay forever.”

She doesn’t have to tell me that those are the words I used all those years ago. They have haunted me since they fell out my lips in a drunken, self-doubting rant.

She turns her back on me and starts to walk away. I grab her elbow.

“Words said when you’re fucked up mean shit.”

She pulls her elbow away from me slowly and turns to look at me. “His name is Brandon. He wears that brand in his name.”

I open my mouth to respond, but I have no clue what to say.

“For nine months, I waited for you to come back, to help right the wrongs. When I named him, it was a reminder, a promise, that things that are branded, will never go unmarked.” She turns and walks away.

I catch up to her and stand in front of her, stopping her from continuing toward the house. “They stay forever. Did you remember that part, Juliana? They fucking stay forever. We—you, me, and Brand—we’re forever.”

She shrugs. “And forever I’ll live with the regret of believing you’d come back. Forever I will. Forever I will remember that I can’t trust my heart to you. Forever.”

“I’ll prove you wrong, Juliana. Fuck, did today not show you that? Today was a perfect day. You, me, him—perfect.”

“You forgot the part where you ended a relationship I was comfortable in. You manipulated him into thinking I was cool. That will wear off, and you’ll win, Garrett, or you’ll run.”

“You know what you’re leaving out?”

“What?” she asks, walking faster.

“That you love me, just like you did then.”

“Such an asshole,” she grumbles.

“But not a liar. And”—I grab her elbow, stopping her again—”I love you. I do. I fucking love you. Never anyone else. I. Love. You.”

She looks at me sadly, tipping her head to the side. “This, too, shall pass.”

“Hasn’t yet,” I remind her.

“It will,” she comments back, walking around me.

***

I sit at the campfire, sipping on a beer. Brand is next to Grayson, and Juliana is sitting away from everyone. Phoenix and Gage are on the other side of Gray and Brand. Mags has gone to bed.

“Can I request a song?” Gage asks Gray.

“Not sure if I’ll know it, but shoot.”

“Black.” I see him wink at Phoenix, and she smiles.

“We’ll put that on the to-learn list,” Gray says, looking down.

“How about ‘In Case You Didn’t Know’?” I ask.

“Brett Young?”

I nod.

“Good song.” He smiles, looking at his guitar.

I watch Juliana as Gray sings. She looks up at me a few times, and I know she fucking sees me.

I look over at Gage, who rolls his fucking eyes at me. I shrug it off. I give no shits what anyone thinks. None of us are innocent in this. None of us.

“Fucking branded,” I say, opening another beer. As I chug it down, I realize I’m making her uncomfortable, Gage annoyed, and Brand is in the middle of it all, watching, which totally fucks up everything good about today if I don’t walk the fuck away and make it easier on all of them.

“Hey, Brand, I’m gonna head to bed. See you in the morning?”

“We gonna get dirt?” he asks.

“Of course,” I tell him as he walks over and hugs me really tight.

“Love you, Dad,” he whispers in my ear, which makes me hug him tighter.

“Love you so much, Brand. Sorry I missed so many years, but I promise you”—I lean back and hold his face in my hands—”that will never happen again. Never.”

He grins and nods. “I know.”

I stand and kiss the top of his head before walking away.

***

Lying on the picnic table, I look up at the stars, listening to the forest sounds and The Eli Young Band playing, “Even if it Breaks Your Heart,” blasting out of my truck’s radio, all while fighting the urge to chase the fucking dragon. Numb the hurt. Read the fucking future so this uncertainty doesn’t fuck me any harder, while plotting and planning how to make her remember.

Make her remember? Fuck, I tried that. All fucking day I tried that, and it blew up in my face.

I reach down and grab a pack of smokes out of my pocket and light one up. Haven’t needed one all day. Right now, I fucking need one.

Sam Hunts song, “Make You Miss Me” starts, and I think about how the hell I can make that happen.

I place one of my feet on the table, hoping to wake it the hell up, tapping it to the beat of the music. Then I close my eyes and start to sing along.

When the music stops, I wait for the next song to start. It doesn’t.

I sit up and look toward the truck to see her walking toward me. Then I take in a deep breath when I see the pajamas.

“Fucking kittens,” I whisper.

“You don’t get to love me,” she says as she gets closer. “You don’t because, if you did, you could have never left me. You would have known how badly I needed you, and you wouldn’t have just left.”

“That’s not...” I stop when she climbs on my lap. “Christ.”

She licks up my neck, just like I did hers, and then tugs on my earlobe.

“We were kids. We fucked,” she whispers. “That’s not love.”

“Sure as fuck was,” I groan as she slowly runs her fingernails up my sides, pulling my shirt up before tossing it on the ground.

She bends down and flicks her tongue across my nipple ring, tugs on it, and does the same to the next. Then she slides off my lap, pulls the kitty shirt off, then shimmies out of the bottoms. Bare, she walks toward me with a condom packet hanging out of her mouth.

She tosses it on the table before gripping the waistband of my jeans, pulls me up to a standing position, unbuckles, unbuttons, and unzips them, before pulling them and my boxers down. My cock springs free, and she catches it in her mouth, grabbing the piercing with her teeth and tugging on it.

“Fuck yes,” I moan.

She stands up, puts one of my hands on her tit, and the other between her legs.

“Fucking soaked. God. Damn.” I push a finger inside her and curl it, hitting the fucking spot I know makes her come in seconds.

“Sex isn’t love,” she moans.

I squeeze her tit harder, and she whimpers. Then I grab her hand and pull it to my cock.

“I fucking love you.”

“I want you to fuck me,” she says, gripping me hard. So fucking hard.

“I’ll fuck you so hard you can’t fucking walk tomorrow. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Juliana.” I pull my finger out of her pussy and lift her up by her fucking ass.

“Condom,” she says.

I reach behind me and blindly grab for it as I take her hot mouth.

Kissing her as I kick open the door to the cabin, I turn and push her back against it to close it as I pin her to the cabin door. I reach between us and rub my cock up and down the heat of her pussy and groan, “Fucking dreamed of this, Juliana. Dreamed of being inside you so many fucking times.”

I push inside her harshly, and she cries out.

“Would say I’m sorry, but I’m a man of my word; you’re gonna be fucking hurting tomorrow. Love. You. Fuck. Love. You. So. Much,” I repeat over and over as I pound into her mercilessly.