Chapter Seven

Facing Hell

Juliana

Present day

Telling Gail what happened at the bar with Gage, her expression never changed. It never did. She told me she was going to Falcon’s Landing and that I should prepare myself for what was to come.

The storm.

The storm came. For two days, Brandon and I watched from the hotel window as the clouds rolled by, the lightning lighting up the sky, and the thunder, loud and angry sounding, consuming everything. When we lost power, he snuggled a little closer, and I soaked up every bit I could. I held him tight, hoping to give him comfort and gaining it in return.

We read cowboy stories, watched movies until well past nine, and fortunately for me, the excuse I gave him for not wanting him to call Gage was a half-truth. Cell service was in and out because of the storm.

We played Minecraft on his tablet. He was so good at it. In fact, he taught me a few things and made me laugh. His beautiful brown eyes lit up when I laughed, so I pushed back the fear of what was to come and embraced the moment. Much like I did all those years ago when Garrett found me, saved me, and loved me.

Laughing wasn’t something I did often with Gage. It was never something I did growing up. And the past three years of only seeing Brandon when I was allowed, my laugh had been forced for him, to show him I was happy because he had asked me once why I was always sad. Telling him the truth would have been too hard. Telling him I messed up, that I didn’t deserve him, but Gage, the man he calls Daddy, did. Telling him that Gage was right about me would have been wrong. It is wrong. He’s a beautiful little boy who has everything I could have ever dreamed for a child, and so much more.

“The storm has passed,” Gail says as she walks through the door separating our room from hers.

“Can we go out and play?” Brand asks, jumping up off the bed and causing the crayons we were using to fly.

“There are a lot of power lines and trees down.” Gail smiles at him, a genuine emotion, a rarity reserved for Brandon. “But I think your mom has a surprise up her sleeve.”

“You do?” he asks, looking at me.

I nod, not knowing what she’s talking about, yet knowing I owe her so much and trusting that whatever she does, wrong or right, she has her family’s best interest at heart.

“She and I talked about going up to the Landing when the roads are cleared.”

His eyes grow big as saucers. “Is Dad gonna be there?”

“Daddy Gage just may be.” Gail nods.

I hate that she’s insistent on calling him Daddy Gage. I get it, I do—changes are coming—but it feels wrong, and yes, it’s my fault.

“Can we go fishing?”

“We sure can,” I tell him.

He laughs at me. “You fish?”

“A long time ago, I did. I’m pretty sure I can still throw out a line.”

“Cast, Mom, cast a line!” He cracks up.

I laugh, too. “You’re so smart, Brandon. I’m sure you can teach me if I have forgotten.”

“I am, Mom. I am smart, like Dad.”

I bite back the resentment that his words cause. I bite it back because, even if I can’t look at Gage and thank him for all he has done for Brandon, for me, I know how much he hates me. I can’t blame him, but I can’t take it back, and honestly, I’m not sure I would if I could.

I never knew my father, and I am probably better off for it. Still, I wonder all the time if it would have been better.

I never wanted that kind of wonder for Brandon.

It was three days before the roads were clear. In that time, Mags was released and going home to Falcon’s Landing.

My initial thought was, I could help her. I want to, because I owe her, and because I selfishly want Brandon to see that I am useful.

I don’t know why Gail wanted to wait for the next day, but she did, and I didn’t question it.

When Brandon fell asleep at ten o’clock, I walked into the bathroom to call Peter.

“Hello?” he answered, his voice groggy from sleep.

“Hi,” I say quietly.

“Do you know what time it is?” he asks.

“Yep. Brandon just fell asleep, so I thought I’d call.”

He sighs. “Well, did you look at the schedule? I have surgery in the morning, Juliana.”

“I’ll let you go then,” I tell him, feeling a bit put off by the way he’s acting, but I get it. I totally get it. He’s a schedule person.

“When will you be home?” he asks in a softer, more Peter-like voice.

“Mags was just released, so I’m going to stay for a few days and help her get adjusted.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m a nurse,” I say, almost laughing.

“You’re also a fiancée.”

I wait for humor in his voice. Him to say something like, I miss you. He doesn’t.

“And a mother,” I remind him.

“Well, I wasn’t aware that would interfere with our family, Juliana.”

I have no idea how to reply to that without being a bitch, so I don’t.

“Sorry, I’m tired. Brandon is part of our family now. I understand. But Mags is part of your ex-husband’s life, not ours, Juliana, so forgive me if I’m a little”—he pauses—”put off by this.”

“Well, she’s done a lot for Brandon. Means a lot to him. I’m hoping to have him the entire month, so it’s kind of necessary, Peter.” After saying that, I realize I over-pronounced the P in Peter, and I am sure it came off sounding bitchy. Not what I intended, not when I know he will be a good stepfather, not when things seem to finally be going in the right direction.

“Do you think you’ll be home soon?”

“I think I’ll know more tomorrow. Sleep well. Goodnight.” I hang up the phone.

After washing my face, flossing and brushing my teeth, I walk out and see Brandon on one of the twin beds, sound asleep. There is a perfectly good bed that I could have all to myself, but I don’t want it. I want to be next to my son.

I lie down and pull him closer, holding him and trying not to cry. I want everything for him. Everything.

***

As soon as the vehicle door opens, Brandon is out, his little feet kicking up dirt as he runs up the enormous log...mansion’s porch steps.

When did he learn to unbuckle himself? I love who he’s becoming, but I hate that I have missed it.

I watch him punch in a security code and open one of the huge wooden double-doors

It’s the first time I have seen this place up close and personal. It’s the exact opposite of what Gage and my home was.

“I hope he doesn’t wake Mags,” I say, getting out of the vehicle and hurrying inside.

I watch as he runs up the massive log stairs. Then I briefly glance around, and in this moment, I consider how I never knew the man I deceived for nearly four years.

I shake the thought off. Getting caught up in regret will do nothing for becoming stronger.

I head up the stairs behind my son.

I hear him say, “Um, sorry.”

A wave of nervousness about coming face to face with Gage washes over me. Then I hear an oddly familiar voice.

“It’s okay. You must be Brandon.”

She’s here. She’s here in his home.

I walk in and see her in his bed, while Brandon reaches out to shake the hand of the woman who hit me in anger.

“Brandon, let’s go downstairs.”

“Mom, I was just saying hi to...” He pauses and scratches his waves, cocking his head. “Who are you?”

“She works here,” I tell him.

“Oh,” he says and looks back at her. “So, what do you do?”

“Actually, I rent one of the cabins, and I’m a good friend of Mags, so I’m helping her out. My name is Phoenix, Brandon. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

She reaches out and shakes his hand. I hate it. I hate her. My gut tells me she will make this worse.

“Cool name.” He smiles, and my heart breaks.

“Yours, too,” she tells him.

“So, you sleep in my dad’s bed?” he asks her.

“It’s the most comfortable, and he’s not here, so I thought, why not.” She smiles at him.

“You should have slept in my bed. It’s super cool, and Dad helped me build it.”

“That is super cool,” is her reply.

“Brandon, let’s go see what Grandma and Mags are up to.” I want him away from her.

“Grandma said she wanted to talk to Mags alone, Mom.” He looks away from me to her again. “Wanna see my bed?”

“How about you go make sure it’s still standing after that storm, and I’ll come see it.” She smiles.

He giggles. “Okay, hurry up, Phoenix.”

He runs out of the room, and I stay. Her and I need a chat.

She slides out of the bed and stands in front of me, glaring, wearing a tank top and underwear. I say the first thing that comes to mind.

“Nice underwear. Just a heads-up, Gage prefers lace over Walmart briefs.”

“Thanks.” She shakes her head and turns to walk to what I assume is the bathroom, then turns and looks at me. “He also prefers women who aren’t total fucking cunts.”

I’m no longer allowing people to push me around. Never again.

“You need to get your shit and get out of here. We’re staying to help Mags. We’re family.”

“Lied your way into that position, too, so I hear.”

“Don’t you dare pretend to know a goddamn thing about this family, my family.”

“Don’t you dare pretend I’ll take your shit when that little boy isn’t in this room.”

“Get your shit and hike your ass back to your little fucking rental.”

“You lost him, Juliana; get over it. Leave him alone. Leave me alone.”

Fear, fear of losing Brandon to her, shakes me to the core.

“You think you’re better than me? I did what I had to do.”

“You are a money-grubbing whore.”

“This had nothing to do with money, and everything to do with my little boy.”

“Karma’s a-coming, Juliana. You should be really fucking happy Gage is the man he is.”

Like hell I don’t. “You know nothing about Gage. You have no idea what that man is like. And, little china doll, you aren’t even going to get a chance.”

She comes back at me with her own ethnic dig, “Eat a bean, bitch.” Then she points at the door.

When the door flings open, Gail is standing on the other side, looking angry.

“Ladies, I suggest you keep your tones down. If my grandson hears you, you’ll both answer to me.”

“I’m sorry, Gail.” I am...truly. I don’t want Brand to hurt.

I look down and walk out the door, and Gail shuts the door behind me. I know she will handle it.

I walk down the hall and find a bathroom, where I hope to take a moment to get myself together.

I wash my face with some cool water, exhausted from not sleeping last night while I held Brandon, knowing that I would be sharing him while here, at Gage’s place.

It dawns on me that I haven’t seen Gage and wonder where he may be.

I walk out in the hallway and hear Brandon’s voice, so I follow it. I walk into a room. It’s amazing. Totally amazing. I have no idea how I will compete with all that Gage can give him. And no, it shouldn’t be a competition, but I messed up. I messed up horribly.

“Brandon.”

He looks back. “Yes?”

“Let’s you and I head to town to grab some things.” I hold my hand out to him.

“Can’t I stay? We just got here. Phoenix will watch me.” He smiles up at me.

I hate knowing I’m going to wipe away that smile. “No, Brandon. Let’s go.”

He looks at her, and the look breaks my heart. It’s like he’s looking for an escape from me.

He finally looks back at me and says, “Fine. I’ll be down in a minute.”

I look at Phoenix, hoping she will just do the right thing and leave us alone, but she doesn’t.

“Come see the bathtub. It’s like an acorn shell.” He drags her behind him.

I listen to him, the excitement in his voice.

She laughs. “It does.”

“Dad likes baths. I didn’t until I got this one.”

“I can see why.”

He loved baths when he was a baby. It was always splash time. Both of us ended up drenched after each one. I don’t know when that changed. God, I have missed so much.

I walk out of the room before I start to cry. I need to get it together. I have to. I have no choice.

I hear Mags and Gail downstairs and decide to go face the woman I haven’t been able to thank properly. I’m sure now is not the time or the place, but it needs to be done.

No sooner am I down the stairs, do I hear Brandon coming down them. I stop and turn to look at him, and he rushes right by me and heads to Mags.

He hugs her, and she smiles and squeezes him.

“My boy.”

He throws his thumb over his shoulder at me. “Be back soon.”

“I’ll be waiting.” She smiles and squeezes him tighter.

“Bye, Grandma,” he says, giving Gail a hug next.

As he walks over to Phoenix, I tell Gail, “I’d like to take him into town, if that’s all right.”

She nods and hands me the keys to her vehicle. “Of course.”

“See you later, Phoenix,” he says, shaking her hand.

“See you later, Brandon.”

We walk outside and, as I fumble with the keys, Brandon kicks rocks while looking down.

“Hey, Brandon?”

He looks up. “Brand. My name is Brand when I’m here, and I’m a big boy.”

I nod. “I know, buddy.”

I open the door and start to lift him. “I can do it, Mom. Geesh.”

“Okay.”

I watch as he pulls himself up and sits in his booster seat. Then he grabs for the seatbelt and struggles with it. I hate seeing him struggle.

I reach to help.

“I got it!”

When he yells at me, I jump. I don’t know why, but I do.

He looks shocked, then sad. “I’m sorry, Mom, I’m sorry.”

I laugh and smile, even though tears are coming. I feel them.

“It’s okay, Brand. I guess even your voice got bigger when I wasn’t around much, huh? Shocked me a little.”

“I got big, Mom, I did.”

When he looks like he may cry, my heart breaks.

I hug him and whisper, “I’m sorry, Brand. I’m really sorry.”

He hugs me tightly around the neck. “It’s okay. I know you had to go to school, Mommy, to get smart like Daddy. I just missed you. Sometimes I think I don’t even know you that much anymore.”