Chapter Twenty-Three

Popping Pills

Juliana

“Juliana, one isn’t gonna kill you.”

Garrett’s been pacing back and forth for an hour, watching me, waiting for me to give in or pass out, while I am trying not to take a pain pill.

“You don’t understand. You wouldn’t.” I can’t even tell him what it felt like to feel so alone, so alone and scared that first night Gage had taken Brandon at only three years old for the weekend and left me alone to face myself. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Feels so much better if you talk about it, Juliana.”

I look at him like he’s crazy.

He walks over and kneels by the couch, takes my hand, and holds it against his face. “When you weren’t answering the calls or messages, Gage was being a dick, and Mags walked in on us having an argument. I was so fucking wounded, hurt, pissed, that I let everything out. Made a damn joke about it.”

“About what?” I ask, not understanding.

He closes his eyes and smirks, but it’s not a kind of ha, ha smirk. It’s...different.

He opens his eyes and looks at me. “I took my mother’s pills when I was a kid to knock me the fuck out because”—he sighs—”because I had nightmares. Horrible fucking nightmares. I was ten when I was molested, then raped by a man who worked for my family’s company.”

I have always expected something horrible, but hearing him say that makes me want to throw up. I pull my hand away and cover my mouth, fearing I will in fact throw up.

His eyes go wide. He looks terrified, embarrassed, ashamed.

“No,” I tell him. “No, it’s not what you think.”

He stands up and turns his back to me.

“Garrett, it’s—”

“Two years,” he says, looking down, his shoulders slouched.

“Please come back here. Please,” I beg

He turns around. “Easy to joke about this shit with them. You? I don’t want you to think I’m fucking weak. I’m not. I’m fucking strong, Juliana. Stronger now than ever before.”

“Did he go to jail?”

He has that smirk on his face again. “No, fucker died.”

I nod. “Good. I’m glad he’s dead. I hope he died a thousand times. I hate him.”

He moves quickly to me, sits down, and holds me. He holds me together.

“Fell off a ladder, hit his head on a hammer. Everyone thinks that’s how he died. Four—now five will know the truth. Gage saw him.” He looks down. “Gage saw the last time it happened to me. He was thirteen or fourteen. I made him promise he wouldn’t tell. He promised, and he kept that promise. Threw a rock at the fucker. He fell off the ladder and died.”

“Good, good. I’m glad.”

“Thing is, for years, I thought Gage fucking looked at me like I was weak, like I was a fuck up. Add to it those dreams, and I had a major problem with Mom’s prescription drugs. Got caught, too. Got myself fucked up almost daily. Did coke because I didn’t wanna sleep. Didn’t want to wake up to Gray screaming and crying because I scared him. The night I found you, I was looking for something to knock my ass out after a three-day sleepless binge.”

“Is it wrong to be grateful?” I ask, closing my eyes, then quickly opening them to see his reaction.

“No.” He smiles. “Never felt better in my life than when I was with you. Never. Didn’t worry about maybe Gage telling you about what happened to me—”

“Did he do that to you? Tell people?”

“No, no, he didn’t, but tell that to a pissed off teenager hyped up on drugs and hormones.”

I lay my head back against his chest.

“Take a fucking pill, Juliana. It’s not the pills that cause addiction; it’s the pain, it’s the hurt, it’s the fucking insecurities.”

I look up at him.

“I got you. Not letting go. You got me, like it or not. We don’t let each other go down that road. Look what we went through all those years ago.”

“I...” I pause. “You thought—”

“I thought maybe he knew and was just trying to save you from me. Or maybe he explained why I flipped. Fuck, Juliana, I don’t know what I thought, and it doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t. We all had a hand in this. All of us assuming and not talking because it was too fucking hard. Now you, you talk to me. No more fucking secrets.”

“The first weekend that he took Brandon from me, I was terrified. And although I knew he was good, I didn’t know how he would treat him after finding out he wasn’t his. I took a sleeping pill, and I slept. The next time, same thing. Then it was: what is everyone thinking about me? I took a pill. Then it was because I missed you, so I took a pill. Then it was the first three-day weekend he took Brandon, and Brandon was so excited that he didn’t even hug me goodbye. I took a pill.

“I drove to that old motel. I sat there, looking at room 25. I pleaded with you to feel me, hear me, come back to me. I got out and went for a walk because I couldn’t breathe. I drank those wine slushies on the boardwalk. Then I was so messed up that I didn’t know where I was, and I knew I couldn’t drive, so I took a taxi home.”

“That was a responsible thing to do, Juliana.” He kisses my head.

I can’t stop the sob from escaping. “It was three days later when I ended up somewhere I didn’t recognize with...Oh God, Garrett, I can’t.” I cover my face.

“Let it fucking go. Please, Juliana, let it go. For you, for me, for us.”

“I don’t know how, why, what, but there were men and drugs, and—”

“Did they fucking hurt you?” he growls.

I shrug. “They were as messed up as I was, and I don’t know what happened.”

“That’s rape. That’s fucking rape. Who did this? Who!”

“I don’t know. And how...? How is it rape? All of us were messed up. All of us.”

His body trembles in anger. “Because you...you would never fucking do that unless you were out of your fucking mind.”

“When I got home, Gage, your mom and”—I sniff back more tears—”Brandon were there. It was awful. The way I felt about myself, the way Gage looked at me, the way Gail looked at me, and the way Brandon cried because he wanted to stay with Gage. A month, Garrett, a month. So, no pain pills.”

He gets up and walks to the counter, grabs the pill bottle, opens it, pours one in his hand, and grabs a bottle of water. “I’m not watching you punish yourself for my fucking mistakes. I’m not watching you suffer because you aren’t fucking listening, Juliana. Like I said, it’s not the fucking pills. Now take it.”

“He’s right.” We both look toward the door and see Phoenix standing there.

“You know how to fucking knock?” he snarls at her.

“Brand and Gage are down by the lake. I just came to check to see if they had the all-clear.” She shrugs. “Heard your voices, and although I’m not a friendly face, I offered to come in while he got Brand away. Good thing. You probably don’t want him to hear all that.”

She walks over and sits down. “You look like shit. Take the pill.”

I scowl at her. She doesn’t give it back.

“I’m gonna have to tell you to get the fuck out,” Garrett snaps at her.

She doesn’t even look at him, just looks at me as she says, “Take the pill, because we’re going to set off fireworks with a bunch of half-drunk half-Italians, their wives, their kids, and your son misses you like crazy.”

“I don’t understand you. You hate me,” I remind her.

She shrugs then sits back. “I understand you a little better now. I just don’t like you.”

“How the fuck do you come in here and say that fucked-up shit to her?” Garrett throws his hands in the air as if he’s totally had it.

She still doesn’t look at him. “I can’t be your bestie; you banged my man.”

“I didn’t like it,” I tell her, to which she bites her cheeks, trying not to smile.

“But I can’t be your bestie because you’re...” I stop. I have no clue what to say. None.

“China doll?” she asks.

Now I’m trying not to laugh.

She smiles and holds her hand out. “Give me the pill.”

“No,” Garrett says, still confused.

“Fine, fine, but—”

“If you try to run, you won’t get far. If you piss him off, he can toss you in the lake,” Phoenix says with a smile, cutting me off. “And not that we’ll ever be besties, because I totally think you’re a bitch.”

To that, I smile.

“People are kind of my thing, so...” She stops when I laugh out loud, and so does she. “No shit, they are. Got the degree to prove it.”

I can’t help myself. “You should stick to bartending.”

“Take the pill.” Her tone softens. “Brand wants to see you. You’re hurting, Juliana, and this guy”—she tosses her thumb over her shoulder—”he’s right. The pill isn’t the poison.”

I take the pill from a gaping mouthed Garrett. I take the water, and I swallow it down, praying it’s fast-working, because this pain...this pain is excruciating.

“You heard everything?” Garrett finally gasps.

She looks up at him and shrugs. “You’re stuck with me, and apparently, I’m stuck with you.”

The door opens and Brand runs in. Then he stops and covers his mouth.

“I’m okay, Brand, just clumsy,” I tell him.

He nods and looks at Phoenix. She moves over and pats the spot between us.

“Everything okay in here?” Gage looks at Phoenix, then me, then back at her.

She nods. “It is.”

“You sure?”

“Gage...” Garrett mumbles a warning under his breath.

“Garrett...” I shake my head, hoping he doesn’t argue with him.

He sighs, walks over, and sits at the end of the chaise.

“You need anything?” Gage asks Garrett.

“Everything I need is here.”

Brand is looking me up and down.

“I fell down some stairs,” I tell him.

He nods.

“It was pretty gross. The bone was sticking out of my leg.”

“Ouch, Mommy.” He calls me Mommy for the first time in a very long time. “Did it hurt really bad?”

“Yeah, really bad,” I admit.

“Still hurt?” he asks, and I nod. He looks at Garrett. “If she was a horse, we’d have to put her down, huh?”

Garrett laughs, and then everyone else does, too.

“It’s not funny!” Brandon yells at them all. “It’s not. This little lady”—he uses that damn voice and now I want to laugh, so I pull him into my chest and try to hide my face in case I fail at suppressing it—”got hurt really bad.” His voice, though now muffled, is heard by all.

“You taught him the John Wayne voice?” Gage asks, looking at Garrett.

Garrett nods as he rubs Brandon’s messy locks.

“We need to talk about shit like that,” Gage says.

Garrett nods and smiles at him.

“You said shit,” Brandon points out, trying to lift his head. I hold it tighter because now I can’t stop the smile. “Shit’s a bad word.”

“Yes, it is,” Garrett laughs. “Yes, it is.” Then he raises his eyebrow at Gage, and Gage flips him off.

I look at Phoenix and whisper, “I’m glad you found each other.”

“I’m glad you”—she pauses and mouths, “lied to him.”—”My gain.” She shrugs.

I smile, finally releasing Brandon’s head.

He looks at me. “You two friends?”

“Pretty sure we’re all gonna have to be.” I lean down and kiss his nose.

He smiles and points to himself. “‘Cause me?”

“Yeah, Brandon, ‘cause you.”

“You tired, Mommy? You look tired.” He holds his hand against the side of my face like I have seen Mags do a million times to him, to Gage, to all those she holds near and dear.

“I am,” I answer, closing my eyes and leaning into his hand.

He leans in. “You can’t go places alone, Mom. Girls can’t because they need a cowboy with them.”

“You’re going to be the most amazing cowboy ever when you get bigger.”

He leans closer to my ear. “Bell Steel is going to be my little lady. Don’t tell anyone.”

“I promise I won’t. But can I meet her?”

“If you promise not to tell her.”

“I promise.”

He grins. “She’s camping here.”

“Can’t wait.” I grin back.