Chapter Twenty-Seven

Fear of the Dark

Juliana

My cast is covered with a garbage bag as I lie in the big tub, in Brand’s room that he loves so much. I close my eyes and enjoy the much-needed soak. Outdoor showers have their benefits. The biggest is the fact that Garrett washes my body.

Sex is intense, intimate, an amazing connection with the only man I have ever loved—Garrett Falcon. What he does to my body, to my mind, to my heart, my soul...no one has ever touched me deeper. In fact, when I am with him, it seems as if no one, not one person, has ever touched me at all.

Even the first encounter, even though his demand was unconscionable at that moment, I know better now. Hell, I knew then. I knew because it was him. Had I turned and walked away, I would not have feared he would have followed and forced himself on me. He was still my Garrett. Just grown.

Sex is intense and intimate, but him bathing me is no less so.

I am happy. For the first time in nearly six years, I am living without the veil of lies.

I am safe. No one can touch me here. No one.

I am in love. I knew I was from the first time I saw him.

I keep reminding myself over and over of where I am, because fear trickles in. Fear of being alone. And although I have been alone several times, it’s creeping in on me now.

The dark; why does it play tricks on me? Why does a simple transition of the sun’s position cause fear?

For children, it’s the inability to distinguish between what’s real and what’s not, fantasy verses reality. I was not like most children; my monsters were real. They went away when Garrett came into my life. Then, when he left, when he left me and I scrambled, feeling protective over the child growing inside of me, I owned the brand I was born to, I owned that I could get by, by shutting down the idea I deserved more; the more being what he gave me then ripped away.

My eyes well with tears; tears of past sorrows, tears of joy, tears of exhaustion.

Tears make me feel vulnerable, yet I shed them.

The ground, I think of the ground and dirt, and how the fresh rain makes it more penetrable, more...vulnerable, yet it is necessary for anything to grow.

I went to my house because of the need for that vulnerability. The vulnerability to open up and let growth happen. No person deserves that unless there is love. I need to allow that for Garrett and I to become all we deserve to be for each other, for love, for Brandon.

Peter, he tried to kill me. The thought of it allows the fear that is brought on by my kind of darkness, the real monsters under the bed, not a childhood fantasy.

Fear makes me want to run out, grab Brandon from the tent, in the dark, and bring him back to the safety of the cabin, tucking him in the safety between me and his father.

I close my eyes and think of something to calm the irrational thoughts. Brandon is between Garrett and Gage. Both men love him. Neither will allow him harm.

Then Peter enters my thoughts, and I cover my mouth, swallowing back the panic building because I was so stupid. So stupid to think he was “normal,” that he would have given me and Brandon some semblance of normal.

My God, what if Brandon had gone with me? What if Peter had shown his true colors when Brandon was with me? My body shakes with a silent sob because I know Brandon, my son, my heart, my reason for wanting more, better, saw that in him. He did, yet I was too busy trying to hide my mistakes, keep my lies covered, that I didn’t see the signs of how right Brandon was.

Fear of the dark, fear of the light, fear of anything is crippling. I will no longer allow it.

I focus my thoughts on Garrett, on Brandon, on Mags, on Gail, even on Gage, and yes, Phoenix, too. They all love him. We all love him. He is safe.

His hands are on my neck.

“You whore. You fucking whore.”

I can’t breathe, can’t fight. My head is under water, yet I still hear him.

“You fucking liar. Bleed, bitch, bleed and die.”

“I don’t want to die!”

I swallow water, my lungs filling up. I’m going to die.

Brandon. Garrett. My loves, my life.

I will fight.

I dig my nails into his hands that are around my neck. I kick, and it hurts. It hurts, but I do it. For them, for me, for us.

I gasp, trying to get air into my lungs and scream as I claw at him. “No! I will not die! I won’t die!”

“Jesus Christ, Juliana,” I hear.

It’s not Peter, but I know it is. I saw him.

“Jesus Christ.”

I close my eyes and open them again. Gage.

“Oh, my God,” I cry. “I am so...” I am unable to say anymore because I am shaking and crying and scared, and relieved and totally embarrassed.

He lifts me up, and the pain in my leg worsens. I grit my teeth together and cry out in pain.

“Fucking stop fighting. Jesus, you’re a fucking mess.”

“I know!” I yell at him. “Just put me down.”

He looks over his shoulder and yells, “Phoenix!”

“No, please, I don’t want anyone—”

“Oh, God,” I hear Phoenix whisper as she walks around from behind him and sees me.

“Towels please,” Gage says in a deep, almost pain-filled voice.

“Yes, of course,” she says then disappears.

I feel my lip quiver. “Please just—”

“Shut it down,” he interrupts.

I shake my head as I close my eyes tightly, wanting to disappear.

He lifts my legs and begins to carry me into Brand’s room.

“Fuck,” he says as he sets me on the bed. “What the fuck!”

I look down at where he is staring. My abdomen is covered in yellow and purple bruises.

“Okay,” Phoenix says as she climbs onto the other side of the bed and covers me up with a white bath towel, and then she begins to use another to wipe my face and hair. “You’re okay.”

I cover my face and try to pull my knees up to my chest. “Ouch, ouch.”

“Fuck! Fucking fuck,” Gage hisses.

“Just...don’t move,” Phoenix says in a very calm and soothing voice. “We’ll get you all dried up and dressed. Then we’ll get you to the ER so they can fix this cast.”

“I’m fine,” I say, shaking my head and wiping my tears away with the towel.

“The fuck you are,” Gage snaps.

“Hey, Gage,” Phoenix says in an almost stern voice. “She is fine. She’s going to be fine. She’s just—”

“Beat to shit!” he interrupts.

“Well, she was, but she’s fine now.” She turns back and looks at me. “Bad dream?”

I shake my head. “It was stupid.”

“What the hell is going on?” I look up to see Garrett with Brandon tucked under his arm like a football.

“Mommy?” He pulls away from Garrett and runs to the bed. Phoenix moves over as he climbs in.

“I’m okay,” I try to reassure him, but the tears are still falling.

“She fell asleep in your bathtub,” Phoenix tells him, yet she is looking at Garrett.

“My cast is a mess, though, so I think I need it fixed. What do you think?” I ask, wiping away the tears.

“I heard you scream,” Brand says, shaking a little.

“Like Phoenix said, bad dream.” I push his hair away from his eyes, needing to see them, gaining strength from them.

“Arms up.” Garrett’s voice shakes with emotion.

I lift my arms, and Brand gasps. “Mommy, what happened to your belly?”

“Jesus Christ,” Gage hisses again.

I look up and see Garrett’s eyes. Angry. So incredibly angry.

I look back at Brandon, hoping he doesn’t see the look I see. “I fell.”

Garrett shakes his head as he pulls the shirt down. “She was pushed.”

“Garrett,” I warn.

“No! No more secrets!”

Brandon jumps when Garrett yells.

“You’re okay. I’m okay-.”

“Peter pushed your mother down the stairs,” Garrett interrupts. “He kicked her—”

“Garrett, just stop. Please, just—”

“Juliana, he’s a smart boy,” Gage interrupts this time.

“He doesn’t need to know.” My lip trembles. I don’t want Brandon to know all the ugly in the world.

“I do, too, Mommy. I’m a big boy. I’m a cowboy,” he says, fighting back his own tears.

“I’m okay.” I nod. “And I know you are.”

“Just like Brandon knew Peter was an asshole,” Garrett snaps as he pushes the towel up and takes the sweatpants Phoenix hands him.

“He did,” Gage agrees.

“But you’re safe,” I tell him, never wanting him to feel this way, never.

“He hurt you?” His voice finally breaks and tears fall.

I hold him against my chest as Garrett pulls up the sweatpants.

“He tried, but your mom’s smart,” Garrett says, kissing him on the top of the head.

“And he’s in jail,” Gage says.

“And if he ever gets out,” Phoenix adds, “I’ll kick his ass.”

Brandon smiles a little to that and nods. “I’ll kick his ass, too.”

I laugh a little, like the others, and then lift his chin. “I’m fine, but you need to watch your mouth, Brand.”

“I can’t, Mommy. It’s under my nose.”

Garrett leans over, grabs the back of his head, and pulls it close, kissing it before leaning back. “Gonna take your mom to get fixed up.”

“I wanna come,” he says.

“How about you, Phoenix, and I get back to camping?” Gage interjects. “Wouldn’t want the Steels to think we chickened out.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” I tell Brandon.

“But I wanna help you.”

“In the morning, you can help by moving all their stuff up here. They can stay at the house until their house is finished up.” Gage nods at Garrett. “Your mom forgot how to take baths.”

Brandon laughs.

“We’ll think about it.”

“Don’t think, just do,” Gage tells Garrett, holding his hand out for Brandon who hesitates.

I pull him closer and whisper in his ear, “What will Bell think if she wakes up and you’re not there?”

He smiles and nods, then his smile falls. “But what about you?”

“I’ve got your dad,” I reassure him. “I’ll be fine.”

“She’ll be better than fine,” Garrett says.

“Did you save her dad? From Peter; did you save her?”

Garrett looks at me, and I nod.

“I suppose,” he says.

“I told her I want to go with her to get your surprise, but she—”

“My surprise?” he asks Brand.

Brand looks at me with oops eyes.

I smile. “We’ll show him later tonight.”