SPLIT
A delicious aroma filled the air as I stretched my arms out. It wasn’t a dream after all. I was still really here in California with Landon.
The bright sunlight poured into his bedroom window, and I smiled, once again cognizant of the fact that this was indeed really happening.
Landon didn’t see me standing behind him as he cooked at the stove. A fresh pot of coffee was brewing on the counter. The toaster dinged. Island in the Sun by Weezer was playing on his phone, and he whistled as he multi-tasked.
He was wearing a baseball cap backwards, had no shirt on, and his underwear was peeking through the tops of his jeans. I took a moment to just marvel at the contours of his muscular back. My nipples hardened against his T-shirt that I was still wearing.
I cleared my throat, so he’d know I was there.
He turned around, spatula in hand. “Hey! How’d you sleep?”
“Like a baby once I finally dozed off.”
“Good.” He grabbed a mug and poured me some coffee. “How do you take it?”
Even a simple question like that sent my aroused mind into a tizzy.
“How do you take it?” Why did everything sound seductive all of a sudden?
“Just cream.”
“Milk okay? I’ll buy some cream later now that I know you like it.”
“Milk is great.”
My fingers brushed against his as he handed me the steaming mug. Even that little bit of contact sent chills through me.
“Thank you.”
His eyes lingered on mine before he walked away and returned to the counter. Landon seemed a bit on edge, and I couldn’t figure out why. Insecurity was creeping in, trying to have me convinced that his slightly off behavior had something to do with disappointment in me.
He spoke with his back turned to me. “I’m just gonna wrap these breakfast burritos while they’re warm, and we’ll take them down to the beach.”
There was a slight morning chill in the air as we quietly strolled down toward the water. Landon had poured more coffee into two tumblers, and we carried the foil-wrapped burritos.
We picked a spot and sat down next to each other on the thin, fleece blanket he’d brought. Surrounded by seagulls and eating in silence, we gazed out toward the ocean.
When we finished breakfast, Landon took my leftover foil and threw it in a bag he’d brought for garbage. With no food left to distract us, I turned to him and asked the question that had been bugging me.
“Are you okay?”
He took my hand and looped his fingers through mine. “I’m really good, yeah.”
“You’re being very quiet. I was just wondering what was on your mind.”
“I do have a lot on my mind—namely you. To be honest, I’m finding…I’m not really sure how to act around you.”
“What do you mean?”
He looked out toward the water to gather his thoughts then said, “I’m still adjusting to you being here in the flesh. I think I wasn’t as prepared for it as I thought I’d be. I don’t know how to handle my attraction to you, because I feel like…it might make you uncomfortable. So, I’m trying to hold back from letting it show, and I don’t really know how to do that. Because what I’m feeling…it’s pretty intense. You’re stunning. I want to just stare at you, but I know you have a major hang-up about your looks. To be perfectly honest, I want to do more than just stare at you. But I know if I fuck this up, you’ll run right back to Michigan before I even have a chance to spend any time with you.”
I hated that I’d made him feel like he needed to walk on eggshells around me. The truth was, I’d been petrified to show him what I’d done. But now that I was actually here, that didn’t matter as much anymore.
“I was ashamed to show you what I’d done to my face and body.”
“Why? It’s not like they messed up. You’re fucking perfect.”
“I know. They did a great job. Tiny, pinned-up nose. Perfectly round breasts. Shayla and I always had the same big, green eyes but everything else was different. I basically made it so that I look just like my mother, and I haven’t stopped beating myself up about it. There was nothing wrong with me before, Landon. But I somehow believed there was, that she left because I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to look more like her to be worth something in life. I can’t bear to look at myself sometimes.”
“The money your grandparents gave you…now it makes sense. You used it for the plastic surgery.”
“Yep. They gave me money for school, and I ran away with it as soon as I turned eighteen. Went to see a doctor in Detroit and got my nose and boobs done. Laser hair removal, too. I stayed in a cheap motel for months. What kind of a person takes their grandparents’ money and does that?”
“Someone who’s disillusioned and lost. But you were young. I’m sure they’ve forgiven you now.”
“They have, but I don’t think they should’ve.”
“We’ve all made mistakes, Rana. You have to forgive yourself. You have to accept what you did. You also have to accept that people are going to look at you and find you fucking beautiful, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Own it.”
“I’ve been terrified about showing you, because I knew the way you would look at me.”
“Would it make you feel better if I lied and told you I didn’t want you, that I thought you were hideous?”
“No. I do like that you’re attracted to me. The reality is, it makes me feel great and terrible at the same time.”
He looked up at the sky then back at me. “I’ve always thought you were beautiful, okay? I remember your face from back then like it was yesterday, and I will never forget it. You fascinated me, because I remember feeling like you looked different than most girls but not in a bad way. I loved your big nose and those bushy brows. But I love this nose, too. I love both your faces. That’s probably because I would love any package you came in.”
The chill from the ocean had nothing on the warmth I was feeling inside of me in that moment. His words had truly touched me. No one had ever made me feel so beautiful inside and out.
“I’ve always thought you were beautiful, too, Landon. And I’m really happy to be here with you.”
He gently rubbed his thumb along mine. “Please, stay a little while.”
There was no way I could leave him right now.
I nodded. “Okay.”
With renewed energy, he pulled me up off of the sand. “Let’s take you shopping.”
We spent the rest of the morning out getting me necessities like underwear, a bra, and a few outfits.
Somehow, all of this time, we’d never discussed what kind of car he had. So, I was surprised to find that despite his modest apartment, Landon drove a really nice slate-colored Range Rover Sport. When I asked him how he could have afforded it, he explained that he’d been saving up for years. Also, the lunch truck did pretty well. He’d taken out a loan to start his business and was able to pay that off within two years. Now, the food truck revenue covered his car payment and other bills while also allowing him to employ Melanie and put a little extra away.
In the afternoon, Landon insisted on taking me to a small boutique in Venice Beach that sold beach-casual clothing. He wanted me to pick out something cute to wear in case we went to this rooftop bar some of his friends would be hanging out at later.
I’d gone into the dressing room to try on a blue romper I’d selected. As was typical, it was snug around my ass and boobs while the waist fit perfectly. I wanted to get his opinion. After all, he was paying for it.
When I stepped out to the area where he was sitting, Landon was scrolling through his phone. He looked up when he noticed me, and his eyes lit up.
“You look really gorgeous in that.”
“You like it better than the last one?”
“I love it. Get it. Get them all.”
Just as I’d turned around to head back to the dressing room, my phone slipped out of my hands. When I bent down fast to grab it, the unthinkable happened.
The unthinkable.
The material over my ass split. At least, that’s what it sounded and felt like.
Oh, no.
Stay calm.
Maybe he didn’t notice.
The next thing I knew, Landon came up behind me, covering my body with his as he quickly ushered me to the dressing room.
Once inside, we stared at each other for a brief moment before simultaneously breaking out into hysterical laughter.
I wiped my eyes. “I can’t even look. How bad is it?”
“Bad is not how I would describe getting to see your ass for a split second—pun intended.”
“Thanks for coming to my rescue. I think I went into shock and just froze. Definitely didn’t want to be on display for all the store to see.”
He winked. “I’ve got you covered.”
“Literally.”
In the close confines of the small dressing room, there was no way to escape the sexual energy in the air. Our faces were close, and I was certain he was going to finally kiss me. My heart was pounding like crazy.
His eyes fell to my lips. “I’ll let you get dressed.” Then, he turned away.
Nothing.
Wow.
I was dying inside.
Landon slipped out, returning to the waiting area while I finished putting my clothes back on. He ended up buying me the two dresses I had tried on before the romper.
The sun was shining brightly as we walked back out onto the sidewalk. We paused just in front of his car.
Holding a large shopping bag, I said, “I’m gonna pay you back for all of these clothes you bought me today.”
“Fuck the clothes. You can pay me back by not running back to Michigan.”
I truly didn’t know how long I could stay out here; I had obligations. We hadn’t discussed an exact timeframe, but I knew I was going to have to return home soon. I couldn’t realistically stay more than a week.
“That reminds me, I should call work when we get back to your place and let them know I’ll be gone a week.”
He looked seriously disappointed. “A week? That’s all you can stay?”
“Well, for now, yes. I may be able to come back if I can save up.”
“Rana, I’ll sell my car if I have to. But I’ll pay for your tickets. Money will not keep me from seeing you again. Are you sure you can only stay a week? That’ll fly by so fast, and I feel like I need more time with you.”
“I don’t know how much time my boss will give me.”
Even though he looked disappointed, he took a deep breath in and said, “I understand.”
When we returned to Landon’s, I went to his room for some privacy. I called my boss to apologize for the way I’d left and told him that I was dealing with a family emergency across the country. He agreed to grant me the week off without pay.
Explaining my absence this week to Lilith was going to be harder.
I dialed her next and waited while her mother put her on the phone.
“Rana? Why are you calling me? You never call me. Are you in jail?”
That made me chuckle
“No. Everything is fine, but I wanted to let you know that I won’t be there tomorrow.”
“Great. I’m working on a paper about you and just wrote about how you never cancel on me.”
Shit. That really sucked.
“I’m sorry, Lilith.”
“Whatever. It’s fine. Anyway, why can’t you come?”
“You’re never going to believe this.”
“What?”
“I’m in California. I came to visit Landon.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“Are you getting married?”
“No.” I laughed.
“If you do get married, I’d better be the flower girl.”
“Okay. That’s a guarantee.”
“I’m serious, Rana.”
I laughed. “You don’t need to worry about that, but okay.”
“Did you see any movie stars? Are you gonna be on TV?”
“No, and no…I certainly hope not.”
“When are you coming back?”
“In a week. I promise to come take you out as soon as I get home.”
“Is he as handsome as you thought?”
“Very.”
“Aren’t you gonna be sad to leave him?”
Closing my eyes, I said, “Very.”
“Are you stupid?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“I just wanted to see if you would answer with ‘very’ again. You already said it twice in a row.”
“Smart alec.”
“Are you gonna cry when you have to leave Landon?”
“I’m not sure. It’s possible.”
“Will you bring me back something?”
“Sure. I’ll bring you back a piece of California.”
“Not like sand in a Ziploc bag. I want a real gift. You should get it soon before you’re too sad to remember.”
“Okay, I’ll find something cool. I promise.”
After we hung up, the last call I made was to my father. Apparently, he’d freaked out when he arrived at my apartment for breakfast and didn’t find me there. He told me he’d started praying to Saint Anthony, patron saint of lost things, so that I would be found safe.
When I explained where I was, he offered to wire me money, which I told him I would definitely need to take him up on for the plane ticket home, even though I knew Landon would insist on paying for it.
Landon stood up from the couch after I emerged from making the phone calls in his bedroom. “Everybody covered?”
“Yes. Everyone that matters now knows I have not gone missing.”
“And Lenny is therefore not the prime suspect,” he joked.
“That’s very true.”
“Your dad is cool about you being here with me?”
“Yeah, actually, he really is.” I smiled. “He’s sort of dying for me to start dating.”
He laughed but then his expression turned serious. “Will you tell me why you haven’t?”
Unsure of how to answer, I said, “I already told you that when I was a teenager, I made the mistake of associating with the wrong guys. And now, as an adult, I seem to attract men who are only after one thing. I just decided I would be better off alone. Every time I think about putting myself out there, it just seems daunting. So, I haven’t.”
Landon apparently could see right through me.
He ran his hand along my hair and tucked a piece behind my ear. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”
I stayed silent.
“Did someone hurt you?” My lack of response caused him to draw his own conclusion as he said, “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to tell me everything overnight. But I do want to know.”
I closed my eyes as he cupped my cheek. When I opened them, I turned the tables and asked, “Have you told me everything there is to know about you?”
“No, I haven’t,” he answered without hesitation. “And I’m not going to take things to the next level with you until I have. That’s why I’ve been sleeping on the couch. But I think this week should just be about getting acclimated to one another—who we are now—rather than making false judgments based on how the past defines us.” He slid his hand down my arm. “I’m serious about not wanting to fuck this up. What do you say? How about we live in the present for at least a few days…take it slow…just enjoy life…and get to know each other in person as friends. Deal?”
“Friends…” I smiled.
“Yes…friends.” He held out his hand. “Deal?”
I took it. “Deal.”
He kept his hand firmly gripped around mine as we just stared at each other. Neither of us would be the first to let go, and then suddenly out of nowhere he pulled me into him. The next thing I knew, his lips were enveloping mine. The move was so sudden, so unexpected that I nearly peed myself.
He groaned as he pushed slowly into my mouth.
“Fuck,” he said over my lips.
The feel of his metal tongue ring flicking around was enough to make me lose all of my inhibitions. He tasted like sugar and cigarettes, and all I wanted anymore in this life was to just keep doing this. I hadn’t realized exactly how starved I was, how badly I had needed this contact. But going from zero to Landon was like not eating for years only to be met with the most decadent of foods.
I dug my fingers into the short strands of his hair, pushing him deeper and deeper into my mouth. His kiss grew harder as I fell back onto the couch. His hard body was now over me. Instead of feeling scared, I welcomed his strength.
Desperate sighs escaped me into his mouth. The feelings brewing inside of me as we kissed were unlike anything I had ever felt before. The last male to ever be on top of me was basically a teenage boy. This was a muscular man, one whose sounds of hunger, albeit deeper in tone, were matching my own. It scared me how willing I would’ve been to just give him whatever he wanted.
We kissed for what felt like several minutes, although truly there was no concept of time. I felt like I could have kept kissing him forever. Drowning in an abyss of desire, I wasn’t sure if I could’ve stopped even if the building was on fire.
The problem with something that felt this good was that it was never enough, particularly for someone like me, who’d gone so long without so much as touching a member of the opposite sex.
I needed to feel his body. When I tried to slip my hands under his T-shirt, he reached for them and immediately locked my wrists before pulling himself off of me.
His head was against the back of the couch as he panted, looking as though he’d just escaped from something.
I felt mortified. “I’m…I’m sorry.”
He placed his hand on my leg. “No, no, no…you have nothing to be sorry about. Don’t you dare apologize.”
Landon’s face was red. He looked just as worked-up as I felt. His erection was bursting through the denim of his jeans. He was clearly aroused, so why did he stop?
Not sure if I really wanted to know the answer, I asked, “Why did you pull away?”
“Believe me, I want your hands all over me. I just had to push back because I was afraid I would lose control. I’m not going to be satisfied until I’m deep inside of you, Rana, and I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret. That felt way too good, and I was a few seconds from saying ‘fuck it,’ moving too fast, and messing things up.”
“It was fine. It was just kissing.”
“That was not just kissing. It won’t ever be just kissing with you. Ever.”
“No, I guess it wasn’t.”
“You were starting to undress me. I had to stop.”
Feeling a bit stupid, I admitted, “I wanted to feel your skin.”
“If you haven’t been with anyone in as long as you say, then you’re fragile. I can’t move as fast as my body would like, as much as I want to. That would be a mistake.”
As much as my body resisted that thought, I knew he was right.
“Well, thank you for looking out for me even when I’m not looking out for myself.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder and looked up as he gazed down at me.
He groaned, “Fuck…see…you merely look at me, and I need to kiss you again.”
I sighed. “So, kiss me…”
He gave in, planting a firm kiss on my lips. “No touching,” he spoke over my mouth. “Just kissing. Okay?”
Smiling over his lips, I said, “That’s gonna be hard to uphold.”
“Very fucking hard.”