IT’S THE ONIONS
The next few weeks went by in a flash.
I kept looking for a new apartment during the day but wasn’t having any luck finding anything in my price range. That, along with looking in on my father who was recovering from knee surgery, meant my life was unusually hectic.
Even though I’d talk to Landon every night, I avoided getting into any serious topics because I felt like I couldn’t handle it mentally. Sensing that, he was letting me drive all of our conversations.
Everything came to a head one night at work when I had what felt like a panic attack during one of my dance routines. I was able to ride it out but felt totally exhausted by the time I got home.
During our nightly phone chat, I opened up to Landon about what happened at the restaurant.
“I had a bit of a panic attack tonight while performing. That’s never happened to me before.”
“Are you okay? What did it feel like?”
“I’m okay now. It just felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was trapped in my own body with nowhere to run. I think I’ve been bottling my feelings up, and they finally turned against me.”
He didn’t immediately respond.
“Your feelings about me…about my past?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’ve been really trying hard not to think about what you used to do, but it’s been like an ever-present ghost following me around anyway.”
“As much as I don’t want to, I think we really need to talk about it.”
There was no other answer for me to give him except, “I agree.”
“Please, just ask me whatever you want to know. Rip the Band-Aid off. Let’s just get it all out there so we can deal with it. That’s the only way you’re going to know whether it’s something you can look past or not.”
I knew the questions in my mind; I just didn’t want to necessarily know the answers. But this limbo couldn’t go on forever. So, I took advantage of the open floor he was giving me tonight and just started shooting off my questions.
“You said these women were all married?”
“Yes. Each one. But for the most part, they were in bad marriages, either open relationships, or the spouse was cheating, too. Sadly, I’m finding that’s pretty common among some of the wealthy people here—so many getting divorced or having affairs.”
My next question was perhaps the hardest one to ask, but I still had to know. “Did you ever…enjoy it?”
He exhaled. “I love sex. You know that. There’s probably nothing more that I love doing. But there’s a big difference between having sex with someone you choose versus someone who’s using you and vice versa. The idea of the latter repulses me now. But at the time, I would just zone out, detach myself from the situation. While I can’t say I enjoyed it, I can’t say I hated it, either. In the moment, it never felt like I was being used, never made me sick like it does now.”
“Were they all attractive…like Carys?”
“These were wealthy women who knew how to take care of themselves, so yeah, they were all attractive, not women I would have chosen for myself, but they were attractive, nonetheless. I couldn’t have done it if the person repulsed me.” When I stopped talking for several seconds, he asked, “Are you okay?”
My emotions were all over the place, and at one point, I lost my composure a bit. “God, Landon, how could you let them take advantage of you like that?”
“I was lost—depressed. Some people turn to drugs or cutting, other forms of self-harm. I turned to using my body but managed to convince myself it wasn’t that bad because I was benefitting financially. The way I saw it, I was doing it in fancy, private places on my own terms, not selling myself on the street to just anyone. On the best day, I had myself convinced that it wasn’t really prostitution, that it was something else. I didn’t account for the fact that a little piece of my soul was being stripped away each time, and that it would all eventually hit me at once. I also didn’t take into account that I would have to look into your eyes someday and admit to you that I sold my body. I wasn’t thinking…period.”
I pondered whether what he did was really all that different than my having sex as a teenager with boys who were using me. Sure, they weren’t paying me, but they were using me just the same.
Over the next hour, as painful as it was, I kept asking Landon question after question. I didn’t want to have to talk about the details ever again, so I made sure every bit of morbid curiosity was satisfied. He was being so amazingly open with me, even though I knew it was really difficult for him.
Among other things, he told me that most of the women wanted more than just missionary sex. They asked him to play into their bad boy fantasies, things like being slapped, sworn at, called a slut, or screwed from behind while having their hair pulled—things their husbands didn’t do. One woman even asked him to piss on her. I couldn’t believe he was admitting all of this to me, but in a way, it was a relief to know I wouldn’t have to wonder about any of it anymore. It was basically the ugly truth, but at least it was the truth.
It freaked me out a little, because as he was telling me some of this stuff, I found myself getting turned on. It was a natural reaction to my imagination putting Landon into any kind of sexual scenario.
I refused to block out the sexual images, though. It was the only way I could rid my mind of them, to let them be there and to let them pass.
At a certain point, the woman in my mind morphed into an image of myself. I imagined Landon doing some of those things to me, striking my ass, pulling my hair, lashing at my skin with his tongue. Under the circumstances of our talk, though, it was disturbing, and I could never have admitted that to him.
We’d stayed up talking late into the night.
The following morning, I woke up feeling like I was hung over, even though I hadn’t been drinking. I realized the feeling was a direct result of finally unleashing all of those bottled-up questions to Landon. Because he’d been so forthright with me, there truly wasn’t a need to ever have to revisit any of it again.
It had been mentally exhausting, but there was no other choice. You can’t put out a fire by dancing around it. You have to deal with it, douse it with water until there’s nothing left. Once the fire’s out, you can either choose to rebuild or abandon the rubble.
I knew he wanted assurance that I wasn’t going to judge him for his past indiscretions. He was adamant about the fact that he couldn’t handle a relationship with me if I planned on continuously holding his past against him.
So, I really needed to take some time and look inside myself to be sure that I wouldn’t do that to him.
I spent a good portion of that afternoon just sitting in silence. I realized that even though I may have been disappointed in his past decisions, at no point did his confession ever stop me from caring about him. If anything, feelings of love felt even stronger, like all of the emotions I’d ever felt toward him came alive at once and banded together in solidarity to protect and forgive him.
Later that evening, deciding to do something I hadn’t done in a while, I meandered over to my closet, pulling out the black backpack.
I took out some of the folded notes that I could tell were ones I hadn’t read in the past year.
I opened one.
Rana Banana,
Why do feet smell and noses run? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Landon
P.S. I smelled your feet once when you fell asleep on the hammock in the yard. They smell like Fritos.
P.P.S. Just kidding (Maybe). Now, I want chips.
Smiling, I folded it back up before opening another.
Rana Banana,
Sometimes I forget that you actually live in my garage. Before my dad turned it into an apartment, I used to park my scooter right where you sleep! Now, I have to leave it outside.
Landon
P.S. That’s okay. I would rather have you here than a place to park my scooter.
Crying and smiling, I opened another one.
Rana Banana,
Did you know that Rana means frog in Spanish? I learned that in school today.
Landon
P.S. I think it would be really cool if you started croaking.
P.P.S. “Ribbit.”
The next one made my heart drop for a moment, because I remembered all of the feelings of jealousy and confusion that ensued the very first time I’d read it all those years ago.
Rana Banana,
Kelsie tried to kiss me today. I think she’s really pretty, but it seemed weird. I turned my head away. I was in the middle of eating WarHeads, plus I was afraid you’d find out. I know you don’t like her.
Landon
P.S. Would it have made you mad if I let her kiss me?
P.P.S. Have you ever kissed anyone?
P.P.P.S. Maybe we could practice on each other some time. You know, so it’s not weird when we actually kiss somebody for real.
Even though Landon and I never ended up kissing back then, that note reminded me how much I had missed after we moved away and again brought back the feelings of jealousy toward Kelsie, knowing that she eventually became his very first girlfriend. After everything he’d confessed to me, I was still jealous of Kelsie? I knew how ridiculous that was. I gladly folded that note and put it away.
The final note that I opened really resonated with me and felt like the one I was meant to end on.
Rana Banana,
I’m sorry I told my mom you hit her car with your bike. I should’ve just taken the blame. She wasn’t mad, though. She said we all make mistakes. Anyway, I’m sorry you cried. I’ve never seen you cry before. That sucked.
Landon
P.S. Maybe it’s not really a mistake if you learn from it.
Refolding it, I just sobbed for the longest time, crying for a number of reasons. I mourned the innocence of the boy who’d penned all those notes. I felt terrified for what I now knew would happen to him in the future. But at the same time, that final message about learning from mistakes made so much sense to me, the words perhaps more important to me now than he ever could have realized then.
I looked at the clock. I knew it was the middle of Landon’s lunch hour rush, but I needed to hear his voice, needed for him to hear what was in my heart in that moment before I lost the courage to say it.
After a few rings, he picked up. He knew I never called him while he was working and sounded alarmed to be hearing from me at that time of day. “Rana, is everything okay?”
I could hear something frying on his stove and a crowd of people talking.
“I know you’re busy,” I said.
“Hang on.” He spoke to his customers, “I’m really sorry. I just need a minute, please. I have to take this.” When he returned, he said, “Never too busy for you.”
“I just had to call you to tell you that…it doesn’t matter to me. I want to be with you. I know you made a very big mistake. Believe me, I understand what it’s like to make mistakes. But a wise boy once told me that ‘maybe it’s not really a mistake if you learn from it.’ That was you, Landon. So, yes, I’ve made mistakes, too. And I’ve learned from them. But I know trusting you isn’t one of them. And I promise, you will never see shame in my eyes when I look at you. You’re still the boy I looked up to. You’re just a man now, who’s lived, made mistakes, and learned from them. I needed to call and tell you that.”
He let out a long, shaky breath into the phone. Seeming overcome with emotion, he didn’t say a word.
It sounded like he sniffled. Was he crying?
Then, I heard him say to one of his customers, “It’s the onions.”
“Are you cooking with onions?
“No.” He laughed.
I closed my eyes tightly and smiled.
“You’d better get back to your customers.”
“Why couldn’t you still be here, Rana? You’re too damn far away, and I really need to kiss you right now for that.”
“I hope we can see each other soon.”
“You have to dance tonight, right?”
“No, the restaurant is closed for a private party, actually. I’m home tonight.”
“Good. I’ll call you around eight your time after I close down the truck. I’m gonna try to pay you back properly for those beautiful words you just said to me. Try to be home at that time.”
“I’ll be here.”
I was a useless ball of shit the rest of that day, waiting for Landon to call.
My mind kept racing, alternating between relief and panic.
On one hand, I had finally decided to put his history in perspective and where it belonged—in the past—and that made me feel like we could move on with a relationship.
On the other hand, I hadn’t aired my own dirty laundry and honestly didn’t know how doing so might affect things between us.
But telling Landon what happened with me would mean having to deal with something that I wasn’t truly ready to face, something that may change the way he saw me.
By the time he called, he’d unfortunately caught me in panic mode.
Landon barely had a chance to say hello when I hit him with my insecurities.
“I feel like a hypocrite, because even though you’ve opened up to me, I haven’t been able to do the same. But I am not as ready to deal with my own…stuff.”
“What if I assure you that there’s nothing you could ever tell me that would make me not want to be with you?”
“How could you truly say that?”
“Because it’s the truth.”
I’m not so sure about that, Landon.
“Did you murder someone?” he asked.
“No.”
“Is it something that would put you or me in physical harm?”
“No.”
“Are you gonna talk about it tonight with me?”
“No.”
“Then I’m gonna take my chances, okay? I think we’ve had enough stress recently. You sound really wound up in particular. Why don’t you just lie back and let me help you relax. I think we both need that.”
“How exactly are you gonna do that if you’re not here?”
“Are you challenging me? If that’s the case, I’d like to make you come, so you can sleep well tonight.”
“Um…wow, okay.”
“When was the last time you had a really good orgasm?”
Just hearing those words come out of his mouth made my legs weak.
Swallowing, I admitted, “I gave myself one in your bed the night you sucked on my breasts.”
“Shit, really?”
“Yes. You turned me on then left me to take care of it.” I laughed.
His tone grew seductive. “That was rude of me.”
“It was.”
“What kind of asshole does that?”
“You had your reasons.”
“I think I jerked off like three times in the shower that night. I’m glad I didn’t know you were doing that in my bed. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to stay away.”
Things grew silent. I could hear him rustling in his sheets. It sounded like he might’ve been taking off his clothes.
“I’m gonna try to make up for that a little bit now. Actually, let me call you back on the landline phone,” he said.
“Why?”
“We’re gonna need to use our cell phones to take pictures while we talk.”
“Pictures?”
“You know…illustrate things. I need to see you.”
Just the thought of getting to see his hard body was making me incredibly wet. When he called back, I answered the main phone jokingly.
“Hello…is this the perv who’s about to ask me what I’m wearing?”
“No. No need for that question…because I want you naked with nothing but your beautiful hair covering you. Take your clothes off and take your hair down.”
“I’ve never done this before…phone sex.”
“It’s like sex…but over the phone.”
“You don’t say?”
“It’s a gateway to video chat fucking, but we’ll ease you into virtual sex. We’ll start with just the phone.” He let out a mischievous laugh. “Take off your clothes, Rana. Every last piece. I want you bare.”
I did as he said, removing every item of clothing until I was completely naked.
“Okay,” I breathed.
“I want you to text me a picture of you just as you are now. You decide how much or how little you want me to see,” he said.
Before I could change my mind, I snapped the shot. I was naked with my tits showing but made sure my hair was strategically placed to cover my crotch.
Landon’s voice was gruff. “Christ. You look like a fucking goddess with your hair wrapped around you like that.”
“I want to see you, too.”
“You will. Open your legs wide and touch yourself. Know that I’m jerking off to your photo and imagining that my hand is really your tight pussy wrapped around my cock. Fuck. This picture…I can’t take my eyes off you.” He grunted. “Why? Why can’t you be here right now?”
“You mean, you wouldn’t leave me all alone in your bed tonight?”
“Hell, no. You’d never sleep alone again.”
“It’s been so long for me, Landon.”
“I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like for you, then.”
“You know what I’ve never done?”
His breathing got heavier in anticipation. “What?”
“I’ve never given oral sex.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“Has anyone done it to you?”
“No.”
“Well, shit, we have a lot to catch you up on. Let’s practice right now. Stick three fingers into your mouth and pretend it’s me. I want to hear what you sound like with your wet mouth going down on my cock.”
I placed the phone next to my head and began sucking hard and slowly on my fingers while playing with my clit.
His breathing became erratic. “I love hearing you suck it. You want to see what you’re doing to me?”
“Yes,” I exhaled. “Please.”
I never wanted to see anything more than I wanted to see his naked body.
A few seconds later, my cell phone buzzed, and I reached for it.
My breathing intensified upon the sight of his thick, gorgeous cock, fully erect against his rock-hard abs. It was smooth with a few veins protruding and a beautiful silver ball piercing adorning the tip—just as he’d promised. Saliva gathered in my mouth as I yearned to run my tongue along it from root to tip.
Using the photo as inspiration, I rubbed my throbbing clit harder, unable to contain the need to come. I wanted him inside of me and knowing that would never happen tonight was pure torture.
“I’m coming, Landon.”
I could hear the friction as he jerked himself faster. Closing my eyes, I finished myself off to the sounds of his deep groans penetrating my ear as he came.
We listened to each other breathing for a while until he was the first to speak.
“Fuck. That felt so good.”
Panting, I said, “Send me a picture of what you look like right now.”
“It’s messy. You really want to see the aftermath of what you did to me?”
“Yes. Show me.”
A few moments later, he sent me the photo. I never imagined that I would find it so erotic, but the sight of his abs covered in his glistening cum was beyond arousing.
“There’s so…much.”
“You could say I was very stimulated.”
“Me, too.”
“Show me you. I want to see your wet pussy,” he demanded.
Pushing my inhibitions aside, I spread my legs apart and placed the camera between them, snapping a photo without the hair covering my private parts this time. I checked it quickly and sent it before I could change my mind.
He hissed. “Fucking hell. I can’t believe I can see how wet you are. It’s so beautiful, Rana. I may never function again now that I have this photo to look at.” He joked, “Ace will call me up and ask what I’m doing and pretty much the answer will always be ‘looking at Rana’s wet pussy.’ Holy shit.”
Making myself more comfortable in my bed, I asked him a question I’d always wanted to know. “What does it feel like when you come?”
“Well…it’s a very intense euphoria. My whole mind goes blank for a few seconds.”
“Then what? After you come?”
“When I’m alone? I’m ready to pass out. But like this…with you? I just want to do it again.”
“Can I tell you something?” I asked.
“Anything.”
This was hard for me to admit.
“I’m a little scared to be with you.”
“Why? You think I’m gonna be rough with you or something? Be honest with me.”
“No, actually. I’m afraid I’ll come across as too eager, that I might want too much. It’s been a really long time. I’m afraid I’ll come in like thirty seconds or that I’ll be ridiculously wet during sex.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“No.”
“Okay…either of those things happening would be so freaking hot. And let’s clear something up right now. There’s no such thing as too wet. I’m just about ready to come again from the mere thought of that.”
“I just don’t want to disappoint you. I’m very inexperienced compared to you.”
“You know what? You could just stand there naked, and I’m pretty sure it will be the most exciting thing I’ve ever experienced. Trust me. It will be amazing. And you’ll be able to give me something that no one else ever has.”
“What’s that?”
“You. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. I’ve had my share of fucking, which was just a means to an end. I want so much more with you. I want to experience sex differently, take my time with you, come inside of you, be a part of you. I’ve never wanted real intimacy with anyone. So, it will be new for me, too, believe me. Which reminds me, if you’re not already on the pill, you need to get on it.”
“I’ve been on it for years, even though I haven’t really needed to be.”
“Good. Because I’ve been dreaming about coming inside of you.”
Me, too.
“Can I confess something else?” I asked.
“Anything.”
“I’m afraid to tell you all the things I want.”
“Why?”
“I think it’s because I was taught from a young age that sex is wrong in some way. I’m not used to being open about my deepest sexual desires. My inexperience is not due to a lack of wanting. I just hadn’t found someone I trust enough. But there’s really no limit to what I want to try sexually with you or what I want you to do to me.”
“Well, I’m officially hard again,” he said. “No limits is a good thing, Rana. I can’t wait to give you whatever you want. Nothing’s off the table. Why would I ever want any limitations with you?”
“I guess one of the fears that crossed my mind is…” I hesitated. “After knowing your past…if I start asking you for certain things…”
“What? Just say it.”
“Well, like if I want you to be rough with me…is that gonna remind you of—”
“No, no, no. I see what you’re getting at. You’re afraid it will seem like you’re using me? The answer is…fuck, no. This is different. Fulfilling your fantasies is my fantasy. You don’t think I want to be rough with you, too? There’s no part of me that wants to be gentle. Don’t you dare hold back with me. Ask me for anything you want. Just be careful, because I will give it to you.”
“Okay…” I was painfully aroused.
“You’re worried about offending me…meanwhile, all I can think about is how long I have to wait before I get to fuck that beautiful ass.”
I sighed. “Stop turning me on again, Landon. It’s not fair.” Massaging my own breasts, I felt physically pained. “This is hard being so far away from you.”
“We need to make plans. I don’t know how much longer I can go without seeing you again. I want to come to Michigan. I can visit my parents too while I’m out there.”
The thought of him coming here made me so happy and scared at the same time. For this to really work, there couldn’t be any more secrets between us. I wanted a life with this man, and he deserved the same openness that he’d extended toward me.
I need to tell you, Landon.
I want to tell you so badly.
I WILL tell you.
Just not tonight; I don’t want to ruin this.