HE SAID-SHE SAID
To hear those words spoken through that deep voice was truly surreal. Since when did Landon sound like that?
I finally answered, “Yes.”
He let out another breath. “Holy shit. Rana Fucking Banana.”
“Look…just forget I ever called, okay? Go back to doing what you were doing. Pretend this never happened.” I was just about to hang up when his voice stopped me.
“Wait.”
I said nothing but kept on the line.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
My voice was low. “Yes.”
“I’m supposed to just forget this phone call ever happened?”
“Sure. Just like you forgot I ever existed.”
“What are you talking about?”
“How can you even ask that? Your parents kicked us out onto the street. You never even came over to say goodbye. In fact, you magically disappeared during that entire ordeal.”
His voice grew louder. “Wait a second. First of all, I have thought about you—a lot, if you really want to know. It’s haunted me, actually. And second of all, you have it all wrong.”
“How?”
“My parents didn’t kick you guys out. They told me your parents left without paying the rent. I remember going in there afterward and helping to clean out half the shit you all left behind.”
“Well, your parents lied. We were forced to leave.”
“Look. This is apparently a he said-she said situation. The bottom line is, I never meant to not say goodbye to you. I wasn’t there when it all went down. I’d gone to visit my grandmother for a couple of days. No one told me you were moving until after it had happened. I got back, and you were gone.”
I didn’t know what to make of this. Either he was lying, or my parents had lied to me. Either way, I felt like a complete idiot at the moment.
“Look. Again, this phone call was a mistake. There’s no point in rehashing all of this thirteen years later anyway. Have a good—”
“What made you call me tonight?”
“I was drunk.”
“You drunk dialed me?”
“Yes.”
“You’re still drunk?”
“Unfortunately, it’s wearing off.”
“How did you even get my number?”
“You’re the only Landon Roderick in the United States, apparently.”
“Lucky me. Why are you drunk on a Thursday night?”
“There are too many answers to that question. Let’s see. I got groped at work again. I’m late paying this month’s rent—I know what you’re thinking, that apparently some things never change, right? Oh! And my roommate is a psychopath. I’m pretty sure he’s plotting my death as we speak. Shall I go on?”
“What the fuck?” He chuckled.
“Ready to hang up now, Landon?”
“Are you kidding? This is just getting good.”
“Don’t you have anything better to do? What were you doing when I called you?”
“I was just smoking out on my balcony,” he said. “My place overlooks the water. It’s not a mansion, though. Sorry to disappoint you.”
“You smoke? You never used to smoke.”
“I was thirteen when you knew me. I barely knew where my balls were back then. A lot can change in thirteen years.”
“That’s for sure.”
“Plenty of time to fuck up and develop bad habits.”
I sighed. “Yep.”
“Like your Thursday night drunk dials. Have there been other unsuspecting victims? Or just me?”
“Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever done this before.”
“Well…that you can remember.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. His laughter followed and the mood lightened.
I could hear him light up another cigarette before he said, “Back up for a minute. You said you got groped at work. What do you do? Are you a prison guard or something?”
“Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know. First thing that came to mind, I guess.”
“I’m a belly dancer.”
“What? Get out of here!”
“Why do you find that hard to believe?”
“You used to dress like a dude…baggy clothes. I just can’t picture you dancing around and shit.”
“Well, like you said, a lot can change in thirteen years.”
“Apparently.” He exhaled deeply. “It’s good to hear your voice, Banana.”
“Your voice is a lot different. You sound like a man.”
“Last time I checked, I am, in fact, a male. I thought you were, too, at one point.”
“Asshole.”
“I’m kidding, Rana—kind of.”
I blew out a breath. “Anyway, I’d better let you go.”
“Wait…one more question. Why do you think your roommate is trying to kill you?”
“Okay, well, his name is Lenny. I had put an ad out for a roommate a while back. I wasn’t getting any bites and really couldn’t afford the rent. Lenny answered the ad. He doesn’t really talk to me, but sometimes, he mutters things under his breath. I get the feeling he’s obsessed with me but hates me at the same time, if that makes sense.”
“It doesn’t make sense, no. But neither do you, really.” He laughed. “Is the apartment under your name…the lease?”
“Yes.”
“So, why don’t you kick him out if he’s a fucking weirdo?”
“Because I’m afraid he’ll kill me.”
“So, you’re afraid to live with him, but you’re also afraid to kick him out.”
“More afraid to kick him out, yes. He hasn’t tried anything. It’s just…this sense I get.”
Landon was cracking up.
“What’s so funny?”
“You. You’re just funny. Not funny ha-ha…but freaking funny. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this.” He spoke under his breath, “Holy shit. This is an interesting surprise.”
Just then, I heard someone else’s voice.
A woman called out, “Landon? What are you doing?” She seemed to have an accent.
He answered her, “I’ll be right there. I need to take this phone call.”
“Who’s that? Are you married?”
“No.”
“Is she your girlfriend?”
“No. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Then, who is it?”
“Her name is…um…”
“You don’t know?”
“Valeria.”
“Venereal?”
He laughed. “Valeria.”
Clearly, I’d interrupted some kind of tryst.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to that.”
His tone was urgent. “Don’t hang up.”
“I’m pretty sure you need to go back to Valeria.”
“No, I don’t. She went back to the room, anyway. She’s not out here anymore.”
“Well, you don’t want to make her wait.”
“She can wait.”
“I’d better go.”
“Rana, don’t hang up yet. Will you drunk dial me again? I feel like I’m not done with your crazy.”
“Goodnight, Landon.” I hung up.
My heart was pounding. The whole thing seemed surreal. Did that actually just happen?
How awkward that he was with a woman and carrying on a conversation with me.
I couldn’t sleep that night. All I could think about was this image of Landon smoking by the beach in California. I fantasized about the ocean air as I wondered about what he actually looked like now.
When the insomnia wouldn’t let up, I pulled myself out of bed and walked over to my closet before taking out the backpack of notes and randomly selecting one to unfold.
Rana Banana,
Why do your clothes always smell like weird spices? It makes me want to go to Taco Bell.
Landon
P.S. You think your dad could drive us to Taco Bell some time?