ASS SELFIE
A few nights later, Landon caught me just as I had gotten home from work.
“I don’t have long to talk,” he said before I could hear his lighter flick. “Tell me something funny, Rana.”
“I got a raise at work.”
He blew into the phone. “That’s funny?”
“It is when the condition is that you dance with a gigantic snake around your neck.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Dead serious.”
“Damn, girl. I knew you were a trouper, but this just takes it to an entirely different level.”
“Well, you might not be so impressed when it wraps itself around my neck and suffocates me someday.”
His deep laughter was like a massage to my eardrums. “Between the snake and that psychopath, Lenny, you’re doomed.”
“God, that’s so true.” I lay down and kicked up my feet. “How was Santa Monica today?”
“Oh, what’s this now? Were you stalking my app, Saloomi? That’s the only way you’d know where I was.”
“Maybe. I like to live vicariously through you, California boy. I like to close my eyes and pretend I’m there, listening to the ocean and basking in the sun.”
“It’s not really all it’s cracked up to be out here. Sometimes, I think you have this false impression that the sunshine somehow equals happiness. The sun always goes down, Rana. It can’t mask everything.”
I couldn’t help but want to know what he was really referring to there, although asking him to open up to me any more than he already had would warrant my having to do the same.
He continued, “Don’t get me wrong. It beats the hell out of Michigan.”
“I bet.”
“Well, I wish I could talk to you longer, but I’m supposed to be meeting someone.”
My heart sank. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I hated that I’d looked forward to talking to him all day more than anything.
“Oh…okay.” Curiosity got the best of me. “A female someone?”
“Yeah.”
My breath caught. “What’s her name?”
“Sage.”
Valeria, Melanie…Sage. Another one to add to the list.
“Sage. Interesting. Are you going to take her home to cleanse your apartment of evil spirits? Isn’t that what they use sage for?”
“Not sure, but I’m pretty sure if you ever came over, all the spirits would come out to dance instead.”
“You’re probably right. I’d have the opposite effect of sage.”
“You and your snake.” He snickered. “Holy crap, that’s funny. I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about that shit tonight.”
“Don’t remind me. I still have to wash the slime off my neck.” I sighed. “Well…anyway, have fun.”
“I’ll try.”
I was literally pouting. “Tell Sage I said ‘hello.’”
After we hung up, I suddenly felt very alone. A surge of enormous jealousy shot through me.
In the shower, my thoughts were racing. I wanted to be the one going out with Landon tonight. I wished so badly that I could touch him, smell him, kiss him. I yearned to actually feel the vibration of his laughter against my skin.
You can’t have it all, Rana. You can’t hide yourself from him and want him for yourself.
It’s inevitable. You’re going to lose him.
That thought made me incredibly sad.
I was starting to realize that I had really been in denial. I was head over heels for this man, the way he made me laugh, the way he appreciated my oddities, the way he really seemed to know my soul, even if I’d done everything to hide what’s on the outside. Thoughts of him had invaded my every waking moment from the very first night I’d called him—and honestly, long before that.
As scared as I was to remove the barrier between us, I ached for more.
After lying down in silence for a while, I ventured over to my closet and opened one of the old notes.
Rana Banana,
Why do you always look away when you catch me staring at you? Sometimes, I’m trying to send you telepathic messages and you totally ruin it.
Landon
P.S. You haven’t started barking like a dog, so I’m guessing you didn’t get my last command.
That one really made me laugh as I refolded it and put it back in the bag.
For the first time since the night he’d sent it, I allowed myself to look at the selfie of Landon stored in my phone. As rough as his exterior was, his smile was so genuine, comforting. It was directed at me, and I didn’t feel deserving of it. Even his eyes were smiling—his very non-crazy eyes. Tonight that smile was reserved for someone else, because I’d chosen not to accept what he’d given me.
I ran my finger along the image. He had put himself out there, and I hadn’t been willing to give him an iota back, all because I was afraid of what I would have to admit to him. I assumed he would judge me, but in reality, no one could ever judge me the way I judged myself.
I couldn’t give him everything. But I wanted to give him something. It would have to be baby steps.
My heart was pounding through my chest, and I was shaking, because I knew what I was about to do.
Positioning my body on a chair, I straddled it with my back facing the oval mirror. My black hair was cascading down my shirtless back in waves. It fell all the way to my ass.
I took several photos of my back until I was completely satisfied with one of them. I was careful to make sure that you couldn’t see my face at all.
What I settled on was an incredibly sexy, provocative shot. The boy shorts I was wearing left nothing to the imagination. You could see the shape of my ass very clearly along with the arch of my back and my legs. I’d also put on the highest stilettos I owned. If I was really going to take this step, I was going to do it right.
Shutting my eyes tightly, I braced myself before hitting send.
After I pressed the button, a rush of blood travelled to my head. A plethora of paranoid thoughts were floating around in my mind.
He was on a date. What if he showed it to her, and they both laughed at me?
What if he thought I looked like a slut?
What if he hated it?
A couple of torturous minutes passed before my phone chimed, interrupting the chain of internal questions.
I took a deep breath and checked it.
Landon: Why did you just send me a picture of Kim Kardashian? I mean it’s sexy as all hell, but random.
Oh, my God. What?
Did he think it was a joke?
Does he not realize it’s me?
My fingers hovered over the keypad before I finally typed.
Rana: That’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s me.
There was no response for several minutes. I felt like digging a hole in the ground and burying myself. Why did I send him that? Why did I let my jealous ego override sensibility?
Sitting on my bed with my head in my hands and my knees to my chest, I cursed at myself.
When my phone started to ring, I pondered whether I should pick up. I opted to let it go to voicemail.
When it started ringing a second time, I took a deep breath and answered, “Hi.”
“Rana, you have got to be shitting me.”
I played dumb. “What?”
“You’re supposed to look like a boy with a unibrow, not like my fucking wet dream. I’d been thinking about you all damn day as it was. Now, I’ll never get you out of my mind. This is sort of fucking me up right now.”
“Kim Kardashian is your wet dream?”
“No. Never mind her. Honestly, I looked at it so fast, and I was in a dark movie theater. Now that I’ve had a chance to really examine it, I can tell it’s not her. The long, black hair threw me off for a bit.” He paused. “But it does look like a lingerie model. God…this is really you?”
“Yes. You think I’m punking you? It’s me.”
“Wow.” He let out a long breath. “Why would you ever be ashamed to show me what you look like, then?”
There was no way I was tackling that question.
Ignoring it, I asked, “Where are you right now?”
“I told Sage I had an emergency and excused myself. Once I realized you weren’t kidding around, it hit me how monumental this was, that you’d sent a picture of yourself, something you vowed you’d never do. I wasn’t going to waste the moment. I needed to be alone. I’m in my car.”
“You left her?”
“She’s still in the theater, yeah.”
Even though I sounded surprised, that gave me great pleasure. “Shouldn’t you get back to her?”
“You’re asking that like you didn’t know I was on a date when you sent the photo. You knew I would see what you looked like and lose my mind. I’m sitting in my car alone with a fucking stiffy because you just sent me a picture of your beautiful ass barely covered. You know full well what you’re doing, Rana Saloomi. I’m more convinced of that now than ever. You’re totally messing with me—teasing me. Admit it.”
I laughed a little. “Are you mad?”
“I fucking love it.”
My cheeks felt hot. “Do you really think about me all day?”
“I don’t really know how to explain it, but yes, I think about you more than I probably should. I get up in the morning and think about what time it is where you are. I think about what you’re doing, whether you’re having a good day, and I wonder when I’ll get to talk to you next. But this…this is a fucking game changer. I can’t unsee this. You’re…” He hesitated. “Beautiful.”
I closed my eyes to relish his compliment then opened them back to reality.
“You haven’t even seen my face.”
“Yes, but I remember it like yesterday.”
It’s not the same anymore.
“I got a little jealous when you said you were going on a date. I wanted your attention back.”
“Well, mission accomplished. You definitely got it back. All I really want to do is stare at your picture in peace now.” He blew out some smoke. “Show me more. Give me something else. Anything.”
This was a mistake.
Adrenaline pulsed through me, because I was considering it. “I can’t.”
“Please…just let me see you from another angle. So I know I’m not dreaming. Send me a picture of yourself giving me the peace sign. You can keep your face covered. I want to see what you look like in real time.”
I think a small part of him still needed confirmation that the girl in the picture was me, particularly because of how protective I was of my face. I didn’t want him to doubt me. Deciding to give into his request, I said, “Okay, hang up, and I’ll text you. Then you can call me back.”
Without thinking too much, I covered my face with my hair and snapped a selfie while holding my index and middle fingers up, giving him exactly what he requested.
After I sent it, he texted me back about a full minute later.
Landon: Thank you, beautiful. You have no idea how much that means to me.
Landon followed it up with a photo of himself sitting in his car giving me the peace sign back. He had smoke billowing out of his mouth. While I hated the idea of him filling his body with carcinogens, I had to say, he looked hot. His eyes were squinted. And I wanted to bite that plump bottom lip. He was so damn sexy.
Landon: That’s me in real time.
Rana: I figured as much. You’re gonna smell like cigarettes when you go back to your date, and she’s going to think you left her just to have a smoke.
Landon: I’ll tell her the truth, then.
Rana: What would that be exactly?
Landon: That I’m in lust with a faceless, raven-haired girl who just sent me an ass selfie. And I needed to take a break from the movie to stare at said girl’s picture. And then I’ll tell her that I plan to go home and jerk off to the same image of my gorgeous friend. How’s that for honesty?
Rana: I don’t think that will go off too well.
Landon: LOL. Probably not. By the way, if there was an award for the best ass on the planet, I think you’d win.
Rana: Thank you.
Landon: The Ass-cars, instead of the Oscars. You’d win best leading ass-tress.
Rana: “I’d like to thank the Ass-cademy…”
Landon: Fuck, yeah! LOL.
Rana: Go back to your date.
The phone began to vibrate. He was calling me back.
I picked up. “Hey.”
“Just a few more minutes,” he said. “So…you’re jealous, huh? I think I kind of like that.”
“Why? It’s pathetic. I’m here. You’re there. It’s not like we can date or anything. I have a crush on you. And I think about you a lot, too. I’m also somewhat obsessed with your lunch truck. But it’s not like realistically anything could ever happen between us.”
“You seem so sure about that.”
“Your life is in California. Mine is here. My dad is here. Everything is here.”
“So, then why bother sending me a fucking sexy picture of yourself?”
“I don’t know. I—”
“Because you want me to want you even if we can’t be together. Well, guess what? It worked. Now, I have a crush on you. You want my attention? You have it. You had it before. But now, you really have it.” He exhaled. “You know, the funny thing is, I didn’t even want to go on this date. I wanted to stay home and talk to you and hear about your crazy fucking snake and all of the other weird shit that comes out of your mouth on a daily basis. Something has been happening between us. I didn’t know how to even label it because without some semblance of what you looked like, I couldn’t mentally take it to that next level. I mean, I couldn’t allow myself to fall for the thirteen-year-old tomboy in my head, right? It was like I was connecting with a blur. But you’ve just pushed it over the edge, Rana. You’ve made it real.”
This was getting real.
A part of me wanted to run for the hills. The other part of me wanted to jump through the phone and kiss him.
A mixture of fear and excitement ran through me. “So, what does this mean?”
“It means that I have a little hope that maybe you’ll let me see you someday. But in the meantime, it means that I’ll stare at this photo and go a little crazier every day that I don’t get to see the rest.”
Smiling like a fool, I said, “You’d really better go back to the movie.”
My smile faded as I realized letting him go back to his date was the last thing I really wanted to do. My stomach was churning. My jealousy seemed really unfair given my self-imposed limitations. But I just couldn’t help it.
It was quiet for a while before he asked, “What’s wrong, Rana?”
It amazed me that even in our silence, he could sense my worry.
“Are you gonna sleep with her?”
“Honestly? If this thing between us wasn’t happening right now, that likely would’ve been the case. I think she’s probably expecting it. But I can’t see anything happening with her now—not anymore.” He paused. “Does that please you?”
Swallowing my pride, I answered without hesitation, “Yes.”
“You don’t want me to sleep with her?”
“No,” I whispered.
“Then, I won’t.”
Relief washed over me.
“When is your next night off?” he asked.
“Next Monday.”
“You won’t let me see you? Fine. I still want to be with you on your night off. Go on a virtual date with me.”
“A virtual date?”
“Yes. It will all take place over the phone.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Yes, and you sending me this picture with your ass hanging half out was what pushed me over the edge. I’m just a guy who can’t stop thinking about a girl, and I want to take her out. Since you’re so far away, this is the only way I can do it. So…will you go on a virtual date with me?”
How could I say no?
“I’m going to say yes, but only because I am really curious as to what that even means.”
“I haven’t figured it out yet, but it’s going to be fucking awesome.”