Chapter 13

Ryan

 

 

“Kayla,” I yelled up the stairs. “Hurry up. You’re going to miss the bus.”

I walked back into the kitchen and closed up her lunch box, walking around the counter as she barreled down the stairs and into the kitchen. I swore that no matter how early I woke her up, she would still barely make it to the bus stop on time. I handed her a bagel and juice box, put her lunchbox in her book bag, and shoved her toward the door. As we walked out onto the driveway, the bus pulled up, and she turned around and kissed me goodbye before running down and climbing on board. I shook my head and laughed at my daughter, ignoring the mothers that were gossiping down the street. I didn’t know what had changed in a couple of days, but I felt lighter, almost approaching my old self again, and I liked it.

When I went back inside, I cleaned up from breakfast, put away the trash, and started a pot of coffee. Alissa would be there any minute, and I wanted to jump right into the day to avoid any awkwardness from the day before. No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to get her, or that kiss, off of my mind. In reality, there wasn’t a kiss, but there damn well should have been: something I needed to remedy very soon.

Her skin was so soft in my hands as I held her body close to mine, and her scent was more than intoxicating. I could still feel her soft, supple curves in my hands and the attraction pulling at us to move closer and closer to one another. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, no matter what I did. It had kept me up all night, but it was a much better reason to be lying awake in bed than thinking about Christina and wallowing in my own self-pity. I’d take lust for Alissa over pretty much anything else any day.

All the fears and all of the questions had just melted away when she was in my arms, and to my surprise, they never resurfaced. I was completely okay with everything, from our parents being married to it being tricky because of Kayla. There was no reason I needed to tell my daughter right away, and it would be easier to introduce someone new in my life if I knew that Kayla was already comfortable with her, and we were comfortable with each other. But all that seemed like light years away at that point, since I still hadn’t gotten up enough courage to make the first move. I had never been shy, but I had never really had a girl that I was interested in beyond sex, besides Christina. Being married for so long, I kind of had forgotten how to even step forward and make that first move. Either way, whether it turned out sloppy or embarrassing, I had convinced myself that it was time that I go for it. There was no more time to lose.

Sure, at the beginning, I guessed I had a good time going out and just picking up women and going back to her place. But it was never satisfying in the end. First-time sex was always awkward, and that was basically what a string of one-night-stands was: a bunch of first-time sex sessions with different women. Unless I was drunk, nothing seemed to want to go smoothly, and I had a hard time letting loose and enjoying myself. Not to mention that I hated when the sex was over, and it was time for me to leave. That was incredibly awkward in a way that I did not want to relive again. In reality, I was lonely, but not just lonely for anyone, but lonely without Alissa. I was ready to try my hand at another relationship, and I knew that this girl was the one I wanted. There was really no question about it. I had obsessed for months over this choice, and I was hoping that I had read all the signs the day before correctly, and she felt the same way about me. Either way, I wasn’t going to let fear stand in my way and not allow me to make that move and take that chance.

I pulled down a mug and poured a cup of coffee, smelling the aroma and smiling as I moved over to the table and took a seat. The cabinets were coming down in a few hours to make room for the new ones, and they were planning on removing the counters, too. They promised to have everything back up in two days so that we weren’t disrupted too much. Alissa took great care in explaining that this was a rush order because a little girl lived there and she couldn’t be functioning in a construction zone. It cost me a pretty penny to get them moving that fast, but in reality, I didn’t want to wait any longer than that anyway. It was definitely money well-spent.

My attention was pulled away from the renovations and to my phone ringing on the counter. It was either Alissa running late, which never happened, or work was calling with some sort of issue. I sighed and walked over, picking up the phone and looking down. I froze, my stomach sinking and a pain running through my chest. This was the last thing I needed. It was Christina calling. I sat there with my finger on the ignore button but decided it was better that I just answered or she would keep calling.

“Christina,” I said with a deep breath. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Hey, Ryan,” she said calmly. “I wanted to call and check up on Kayla.”

“She’s doing the best she can,” I said. “Finally smiling and playing again, but she has her days I guess.”

“Good,” she said. “I’m glad to hear it. How are you?”

“Christina, I have an appointment to get to. What is it that you want?”

“Well,” she said with a slight attitude. “I have some time free, and I was thinking about coming into town and visiting. I want to see Kayla and surprise her. I know she would love that.”

“Yeah, sure, okay,” I said, scoffing.

“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”

I could tell I was starting to get on her nerves.

“I don’t know, just that you promised to come into town a couple months ago,” I reminded her. “I spent all this time pumping Kayla up, letting her know it was just a visit, but she was so damn excited. Then you never showed up. Seriously, it was heartbreaking, staring at my daughter sitting there after she had picked out her favorite outfit, had me curl her hair, and waited with her jacket and shoes on by the door. She sat there for two hours after the time you were supposed to get there before sulking away quietly to her room.”

The fact that my ex-wife was ruining my early morning cup of coffee was infuriating, but add in the fact that she just felt like she could walk in and out of Kayla’s life like that, and it was heating me up quickly. I had been so nice and caring the last few times she had contacted me, but that was all over now. Christina didn’t deserve for me to be kind and caring to her anymore. What she deserved was to be told to go to hell and have her daughter completely taken away from her. I knew that I could do it if I really wanted to, but I knew how hard that would be on Kayla, and she would be angry at me forever for it. She just was too young to really understand what was best for her.

“I told you,” she snapped. “There was a lot going on with our move and the new job. I just wasn’t able to make it. I would have called, but I knew you would just give me hell for it, so I decided that it was best that I just leave it alone. You are incredibly difficult to deal with when you are angry.”

“How dare you!”

“How dare I what?” she asked.

“How dare you make excuses for leaving your daughter waiting for you on the front steps,” I snapped. “How dare you use me as an excuse for you being a shitty-ass human being. Do you know why I am angry when you fuck up like that? Because I am the one who has to spend months holding her at night after one of these mommy sessions, because she cries all night long. She begs for her mother, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. I would love nothing more than to tell her how selfish her mother is, how she doesn’t care about anyone but herself and what makes her feel good on the inside, how she chose freedom over spending her time with her own flesh and blood. You are a disgusting human being, Christina, and I don’t want you thinking you can just barge into our lives at any time. You are not part of our life anymore. We are moving on.”

“I don’t understand why you are being so hostile toward me,” she yelled. “I am calling to spend time with Kayla, not purposely ditch on her. I’m sorry that you are so perfect that you never have anything in your life come up that keeps you from going somewhere.”

“You know what? I have an extremely busy life, but there is nothing that could come in the way of being with my daughter and fulfilling promises to her when I make them,” I said angrily. “It would be one thing if you were doing this to me. I’m a grown man, and I understand it. I can even turn my feelings off toward it, but you are doing it to Kayla. She’s seven-fucking-years-old, and you are breaking her heart, and she doesn’t know how to stop loving you and wanting you. You disgust me, and I can promise you that no matter how much she wants you in her life, she may not know it yet, but she doesn’t need you at all. She has more than enough here with me and my family. They love her no matter what and make sacrifices for her happiness. I don’t give a damn that you left me, but you didn’t have to leave your daughter, too. You made that choice because you didn’t want to be her mother anymore, and now, you have to live with the consequences of those actions.”

“You are being completely unfair,” she screamed. “It has been over a year, and you still cannot forgive me.”

At that, she hung up the phone, which was probably good since I had a whole slew of things lined up in my head to tell her. I hadn’t unloaded on her like that ever, and it felt good to get it out of my system. Still, just like every other time that she called, it put me in a shitty mood, and now, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much that woman infuriated me. My anxiety was on high alert, and I slammed my phone down on the table, not wanting to deal with anything that had to do with her. Every single time I turned around, she was fucking up mine or Kayla’s life in some way, and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.