Chapter 23

Ryan

 

 

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t even try to sleep through the tornado that was my daughter. I could hear her downstairs, clinking and clanging in the kitchen. I looked out the window, knowing that it was Father’s Day, and she was trying to do something nice for me. As much as I wanted to make sure she wasn’t making a four-course meal out of flour, I left her alone to do her thing so that we could have a nice morning together. She had been so pleasant lately, and it was really helping me get through these days without Alissa. She was still very heavy on my mind, even after weeks of being apart. Juan’s words were sticking with me, though, and I knew that he was right, even though I couldn’t bring myself to take his advice. I just wasn’t ready to send Kayla back to that dark place where she was before.

As I heard her stumbling through the house and up the stairs, I closed my eyes, wanting to pretend that I was asleep so that she wouldn’t feel like the surprise was ruined. I forced my smile to go away, listening to her struggle through the door carrying a tray, the silverware clanging around everywhere. I felt her set the tray down on the bed and take a deep breath before she walked over to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek. Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked at her.

“Good morning, princess,” I said, faking a yawn.

“Happy Father’s Day,” she exclaimed, grabbing the tray and waiting for me to sit up before setting it on my lap.

She was so cute with her attempt at a breakfast, not that a ham and cheese sandwich with no condiments and a juice box was really breakfast, but I wasn’t going to complain. I smiled up at her and picked up the handmade card that had hearts drawn all over it. I opened it to find that she had written Happy Dad’s Day really big across the middle and drew a picture of me and her in a field of what I was assuming were roses but looked more like tiny bleeding heads. I stifled a laugh and opened my arms, hugging her tightly.

“Thank you, baby,” I said.

“I just want you to know how much I love you,” she said with a smile.

“Do you want to split it with me?”

“No, I ate one already.” She laughed. “I thought since no one was here to make you breakfast this year, it was going to have to be my job.”

“And I love it,” I said, biting into the ham and cheese.

We chatted about the day and the weather for quite a while, while I finished my sandwich and drank the juice box in one long sip. Juan’s words were, for some reason, even louder in my head than any other time before. I knew that it was the right time to talk to her about her mother, and I started to steer the conversation in that direction. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way, but I wanted her to understand the truth of the matter, and for some reason, I felt like she was ready to hear it then.

“Sit down next to me,” I said, putting the tray to the side and watching as she crawled into the bed beside me. “I know things have been really tough for  you for almost a year, but I want to tell you how proud I am of you that you have pulled yourself out of it. Look, things are more complicated between your mom and I than I can really explain to you. You are only seven, and you won’t fully understand until later. I know that your mother loves you very much. She always has. I can remember the tears she had the first time she held you in the hospital. Sometimes, though, people go through things in their life, and they need some space to figure it out, and I think that is what happened with your mom.”

“Do you think she’s had enough space?”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” I said. “I need you to understand that your mother and I, we got a divorce. No matter what happens between her and you, her and I will never get back together again. That ship sailed when she left, and there was nothing I could do to change that. I have moved on with my life, and that is important for grown-ups to do.”

I watched as Kayla worked those words over in her mind. I could see the pain in her eyes, but for the first time since Christina left, she nodded her head without a single tear forming. She was taking it relatively well, a lot better than I thought she would. I realized that she was starting to come around and starting to understand what it was going to mean to have a pair of divorced parents. Of course, this was not what was ideal in my mind, but Christina had made her choice, and I was over it. I didn’t want to be angry about it anymore. I knew how important it was to at least try to foster a relationship between Christina and Kayla, and I was going to make sure that it happened.

“How would you feel about spending more time with her?” I asked. “Maybe alternating weekends so you can stay focused in school but still see her a couple times a month. A lot of people do that in situations like ours.”

“I would like that,” she said with a smile that showed she was hopeful that she would see her mother soon.

I loved the fact that she was coming around and starting to understand that the dynamic of our household was different and it wasn’t going to go back to what it was, but her hopefulness scared me. She may be understanding now, but it would gravely affect her if we set up joint custody, and her mother bailed on it like she had so many times before. I knew that it was a possibility that she would be hurt, especially since Christina had only seen Kayla a few times since she ran off with Dale, but I had to give it a chance anyway. I didn’t want her to hurt, but I also didn’t want her to miss out on something special with her mother, whether I liked it or not. This was going to be difficult for me to swallow, especially knowing that if she went to her mother’s, that also meant she would be spending time with Dale, someone I still had a lot of animosity toward. Looking at my little girl, though, I knew I had to let that go.

“Daddy,” Kayla said, turning to me. “I know that this has been hard on you, too. I know that you loved Mommy, and it hurt when she left. I know that she left with Dale, and he was your best friend.”

“How did you know that?” I asked, shocked.

“I figured that since he didn’t come around anymore, that must be where Mommy went,” she said.

“Well, that is what happened, I won’t lie to you,” I said with a sigh. “Adults’ emotions can be tricky sometimes, and we hurt each other, even when we don’t mean to.”

“For a while there, about a month ago, you were really happy,” she said. “You were smiling, joking with me, and acting like you again. I really liked to see you that way, and it really helped me get to where I was feeling better, too. I thought that if you could get over that hurt in your heart, then I could, too. So, I made up my mind that I was going to, and magically, when I woke up the next day, I felt better.”

“Aww, sweetie, I’m so glad,” I said, kissing her forehead.

“But when I told you to stop seeing Alissa, you got sad again, and I don’t want that,” she said with a slight sniffle. “I realized that Alissa was the person that made you happy again, like you made me happy again. Daddy, I’m really sorry for making you get rid of her. I didn’t mean to make you sad again.”

“Sweetie,” I said, pulling her close. “You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to make sure that you were able to get through this at your own pace, and not be pushed into anything. It is true. Alissa brought me out of my sad place and made the world pretty again for me, but you had a lot to do with that, too. Your smile made me smile, so in a way, we helped each other.”

“I want you to start dating Alissa again,” she said with a sigh. “She is super nice, and pretty, and she always has the nicest things to say to me. I wasn’t always the nicest to her, and I want to be able to apologize to her. I know that she really liked me. Maybe she could start babysitting me again so that she can come around again.”

I squeezed Kayla very tightly, taken aback by how wise she really was. I was shocked that she was able to bring herself to that conclusion, and I realized that she was way more perceptive than I was giving her credit for. She may not fully understand everything, but she understood love and happiness, and she wanted me to have those things, even if it wasn’t with her mother. It was a very big step for her, and I was very surprised at how quickly she had come to that conclusion.

The thought of having Alissa back in our lives made me instantly ten times as happy as I ever thought I would be before. She was a very important part of my life, and now that Kayla was seeing things clearer, I knew that she would be a very important part of her life as well. The only thing that left a lump in my throat was the fact that I hadn’t spoken to Alissa since I broke things off, and I had no idea if she even still had feelings for me anymore. I couldn’t blame her at all if she had run for the hills and written me out of her life for good.

“I love that,” I said kindly. “It just might be a little more difficult than that, though.”

“I don’t understand,” she said. “She looked so happy with you, too. Why would she not want to come back and be with you?”

“Like I said before, adults’ emotions can be very complicated,” I said, trying to explain. “I think that when I broke up with Alissa, I might have hurt her feelings.”

“So, take her a ham and cheese sandwich, and tell her how sorry you are,” she said with a serious face.

I tried to stifle my laughter, but I just couldn’t. Kayla was so sweet and innocent. Wouldn’t it be amazing if all the problems in life could be fixed by a simple ham and cheese sandwich and a heartfelt apology? We would probably have a ham and cheese shortage in this country, since as adults, we seemed to do things to each other on a regular basis that warranted that kind of action.

“Will you at least try?” she asked.

“Of course, I will,” I said, smiling. “I promise I will do everything I can to get her back.”

This time, that was not an empty promise. I would just have to figure out how to find the courage to do so.