Chapter 20

Alissa

 

 

I flipped through the pages of my notebook, scribbling notes in every corner that I could. I was at the home office, going through my notes on a new commercial client that I had booked. I really wanted to be with Ryan and Kayla since he invited me over for dinner with them, but I knew they needed some good father/daughter time together, and I needed to get a jumpstart on this new project. Still, no matter how responsible I was being, it didn’t help me stay focused on the task at hand. For some reason, I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn’t shake. It was probably just the fact that I should be focused on my work, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan and Kayla and how I missed them both very much. I barely got to see Kayla anymore, between Ryan and me dating and my new workload.

This client, though, was the most amazing client I’d ever landed. This was a woman opening a high-end boutique in downtown Phoenix. She wanted everything to be done in an artistic manner, but not eclectic. She wanted high-fashion, luxury, and her budget was huge. On top of all of that, this client was willing to give me almost complete creative carte blanche, which was pretty much unheard of in this business. It was a really rare artistic and authentic experience that most interior designers didn’t see until late in their careers. I had dreamed of having a client like that, and I had snagged her at a design show, which was also pretty much unheard of. I brought samples of all of my best work and set up a station, deciding that it was time for me to try to attract commercial contracts, as well as private ones. The commercial contracts were usually higher priced and had a better turnaround time than the private clients were. She had come up to my booth, loved my ideas, and had me come sign a contract the next day. It was crazy.

Feeling like I needed a break, I put the notes down and got up from my desk, walking into my kitchen. I grabbed a glass and poured myself some iced tea, glad that I had taken time to get my kitchen back in order before diving into work. I had been so engrossed in my time with Ryan that I pretty much had nothing in the fridge and even less in the cabinets. I was not the kind of girl that liked to eat out all the time, so it was rare and irritating that I had a bachelor’s kitchen going on. Before I walked back into the office, I heard my phone ring from the other room. I walked into the living room and picked it up, smiling as Ryan’s name flew across the screen. He must have finished up with dinner and put Kayla to bed.

I sat down on the couch and crossed my legs underneath of me before answering. I liked to be comfortable when I talked to him because most of the time, we would sit there for over an hour just chatting about life. I pressed the answer button and pulled the phone to my ear with excitement.

“Hey there, handsome,” I said, smiling.

“Hey,” he said with a slightly monotone voice. “What are you doing?”

“Well, I just took a break from going over the notes for my new client,” I said.

“Oh, yeah, how is that going?”

“Great,” I said happily. “I went by the space today, and it’s like a dream come true. I have so many ideas, but I have to keep myself restrained. I can’t go flying off the handle and just start making samples for her. She gave me artistic freedom, which is insane, and she’s not even going to be in town until after the whole place is done. All she asked was that I send over my markups before I started, just in case there are any glaring issues. I can’t tell if she is nuts for giving me this opportunity or just plain too rich to care. Either way, I’m not wanting to jinx myself. Anyway, how was your day?”

“It was okay,” he said. “Got lots of work done and got all the payroll done for the guys.”

“How was dinner?”

“Well, that is another story,” he said with a sigh. “It’s actually the reason that I’m calling you in the first place.”

“What happened?”

“I told Kayla about us,” he said. “It wasn’t in my plans, but I felt really guilty for lying to her and it just kind of came out.”

I sat there for a moment, running the words over in my mind. I really wanted to be there when he told her so that she could see that I wasn’t a threat, but I also understood what kind of friendship those two had. They were like best pals, and I couldn’t even imagine how hard it had to be for him to continuously lie to her about where he was going, where I was, and how his day went. It was exhausting just thinking about it.

The way he told me, though, it really struck me in my core, and I could feel my nerves starting to bubble up inside of me. His tone of voice was not one that I would expect to hear if he was following that statement up with good news. In fact, his tone of voice was actually kind of terrifying, and I couldn’t even start to imagine what he was going to tell me. How bad could it have been? She was probably upset and didn’t understand, but eventually, she would come around. For some reason, even though I was telling myself that over and over again in my head, I couldn’t seem to believe it.

I was actually kind of pissed at myself for not going over there for dinner. If I had been there, he probably wouldn’t have told her at all. And if he still had told her, at least I could have been there in person to ease her mind. I knew that it had to be really hard for Kayla to imagine her father with anyone other than her mother, but that was something that wasn’t going to go away until she really started to see him with someone else. I took in a deep breath and prepared myself to hear what was coming next. I really just wanted to hang up the phone and pretend that he never called and never approached me with bad news. I knew how important Kayla was to him, and I knew how much he would sacrifice to make sure that she was okay.

“To say that she didn’t take it well would be an understatement,” he said. “There was screaming that I could barely understand, followed by the most horrible sobbing scene I have ever witnessed from my daughter. I don’t want you to take it personally. All she thinks is that her mother is going to come back home, like she is just at the grocery store or something. She has no idea of the reality of the situation. She really does like you. She had just gotten done telling me how she missed you before I told her. It’s all about her and her thoughts and understanding of what it means to be divorced. To her, the piece of paper doesn’t matter because she sees the relationship, not the legality of it all. It was heartbreaking.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I said, saddened.

“No, don’t be sorry.” He sighed again. “I’m pretty sure she needed to get that out of her system. She hadn’t cried like that since she was a baby with colic.”

“So where do we go from here?”

“I really don’t know,” he said. “She is so distraught over this. It’s hard to think about anything but making her feel better.”

“I understand, but eventually, she has to learn that it will happen,” I said, trying not sound insensitive.

“I know, and I agree,” he said. “I can’t live my life based on what my daughter thinks is going to happen with her mother. At the same time, though, this was really bad. I really, really have intense feelings for you, Alissa. In fact, I care so deeply for you that it broke my heart knowing that Kayla wasn’t going to accept our relationship, at least not soon. I think that for now, it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I don’t want to make that decision, but I have to do what is best for Kayla. Right now, what is best is being a father that understands what his daughter’s boundaries are and knowing that it will take time for her to understand her mother is not going to be part of this family again.”

I could hear the desperation in his voice, and I knew that he was telling the truth. I knew that this was really difficult for him to do and that he wished there was another option. I wanted to tell him no and fight back against what he was saying, but I also knew that it would make a difficult situation even worse. I could sit there all day and cuss Christina out, but it wouldn’t change a damn thing, except make me even more miserable. I had to be brave, be supportive, and show him that I would be okay, even if I wasn’t sure if I really would be.

“I understand,” I said reassuringly. “You are an amazing father for putting her needs before yours, and I would never want to be the cause of so much pain for Kayla. She is an amazing little girl, and hopefully, one day, when you and she are ready, we can try this again. I know that if she let me in her life, she would really enjoy our time together, just like she has with the decorating and babysitting that I’ve done with her.”

“Thank you so much, Alissa, for being so wonderful about this,” he said sadly. “I want you to know that I won’t give up on this. And if you are there when she is ready, I will be knocking down your door to beg you to take me back.”

“There won’t be any begging necessary,” I said, faking a laugh. “But I have to get going. I have a lot of work to do.”

“All right,” he said. “Talk to you soon.”

I hung up the phone and set it down on the table, pulling myself from the couch and walking toward the living room door. As soon as I reached the archway, I grabbed onto the door frame and burst into tears, grabbing myself around the waist and sitting down right there on the floor. My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest, and the sobs just kept coming, one after another, without control. I let myself have that moment, that moment of release that I didn’t even know that I would need to have. I leaned my head back against the doorframe, feeling the tears rolling down and splattering against my silk button-up dress shirt. I took in a deep breath and shook my head, closing my eyes. The emotions were so intense, worse than I had experienced before, and I knew that it was because I had fallen in love with Ryan, and I didn’t even realize it until that moment.