Chapter 24

Alissa

 

 

My palms were sweaty, my head was swimming, and I hadn’t been this nervous since my debut in the school play in the third grade. I woke up with the feeling that I just had to talk to Ryan. I had to go to him and tell him exactly how I felt. I didn’t know, after weeks of moping, where the gumption came from, but I had a dream about Kayla and me at a baseball game, and I just knew that it was the right thing to do. I drove down the street and turned into the large complex on the right. As I slowly passed the doors, I finally found Ryan’s company logo on the door, and I stopped the car. The next move would be to get out. I kept telling myself that, but it seemed that my legs were not connecting with my brain at the moment.

I pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror, realizing that sweat was beading up on my forehead, clumping the makeup that I had meticulously applied that morning. I shook my head and pulled out my compact, pausing as I stared into my own eyes in the mirror. I started to second-guess myself, but I was already there, sitting in my car on the curb by his office. I looked over at the door, having never actually been to his office before. In fact, I had no idea if he would even be in there since he worked out in the field so often, but I didn’t know where else to go at that point.

My sister’s words were flowing through my head, reminding me that it was okay to be a little selfish every once in a while, and that if I felt this way about Ryan weeks later, I needed to fight for him. I decided before I even got out of bed that I wasn’t going to give up, even though I understood how he felt about Kayla. It was worth it to me. He and Kayla were worth it to me to stand up for what I really thought was right. I wanted to be in their lives, and I wanted to have Ryan by my side, even if it meant Kayla being angry for a while.

I sighed and looked back in the mirror, wiping the eyeliner from under my eyes and putting powder on my face. I was fighting with myself internally, trying to decide whether I was actually going to even go into the office or not. I kept asking myself what the point was if he wasn’t even there. If I gathered the courage to go inside and he was out in the field, I was afraid that I would never build that courage back up again, and it would be lost, destined to float around the empty parking lot. I stared at myself hard in the mirror, clenching my jaw and telling myself to get it together and stop being a wimp. I was literally sitting in the parking lot, giving myself a pep talk to walk into a building and talk to the man I loved. I was pretty sure I was starting to lose my mind. I closed my eyes for a moment and then jumped, screaming slightly at the sound of a loud bang on the passenger side window. I looked over to see Ryan standing there, looking at me with confusion. I fumbled with the locks and watched as he opened the door and climbed into the passenger seat.

He climbed in and looked out the front of the car, to the side at his door, and then back at me. I could tell he was really confused as to why I was sitting in front of his office, talking to myself, and I could feel my cheeks immediately begin to blush. My mind was running a million miles a minute, and all I wanted to do was push him out of the car and make a run for it, leaving everything behind me and crawling back into my house. That wasn’t possible, though, and I knew that I was going to have to go through with it. I no longer had a choice, and there was no good excuse as to why I would be in an industrial park in front of his office. He turned and lifted his eyebrows, smiling his charming smile at me as I melted into the driver seat.

“It’s good to see you,” he said happily. “But, uh, what are you doing here, and why are you just sitting outside of the office?”

Oh God, get it together, Alissa. Open your mouth and just say it.

“I, um, well, I was talking to my sister over dinner,” I said nervously. “Did you know she was pregnant? No, you probably didn’t know that. Anyway, she told me that it was okay to be selfish sometimes, and she told me I needed to fight you. Well, not fight you, like, pow, but like fight for you. She said that selfish people were the happy ones. No, that’s not what she said. That doesn’t make any sense at all, does it?”

He stared at me, blinking his eyes, completely confused by what I was trying to say. Hell, I was completely confused by what I was trying to say. I took in a deep breath and continued, even though my mind was screaming at me to shut the hell up.

“I woke up today after being at a ball game with Kayla,” I said, shaking my head and wringing my hands. “I mean, I had a dream about being at a ball game with Kayla, and it made me start thinking about how miserable I have been since we broke up. Not because I can’t go to a baseball game… Shit, I am completely screwing this up.”

“It’s okay,” he said, laughing. “Take a deep breath. How about you let me talk for a minute, and you listen. Okay?”

“Yeah,” I said. “That is probably the safest thing at this point.”

“Everything has been a mess,” he said. “I don’t mean you and me, but I definitely mean the way in which we went about everything. I can’t tell you how much I cherish those weeks where we had our relationship all to ourselves. I have survived being apart from you, simply based on the fact that I could replay those days in my head. I truly believe it was a mistake to put our relationship on hold.”

“You do?” I was shocked, assuming he was about to tell me that it was the way it was for a reason.

“Yes,” he said, turning to me and grabbing my hands. “I know that I don’t deserve you to forgive me, or even consider taking me back, but I am praying that you understand why I did what I did. Kayla was all I had left, and I couldn’t stand to see her hurting the way that she was.”

“God,” I said, letting out a deep breath and grabbing my chest. “Ryan, I understand why you did what you did. I came here to tell you that I wanted to fight for you. I came here to tell you that I knew what you were doing was in good heart and earnest thought, but I wanted you to reconsider. I have been absolutely miserable without you the past few weeks. I haven’t been sleeping well. You are all I think about, and my own sister didn’t even tell me she was pregnant because she felt so bad for me.”

“Does that mean that you are willing to consider giving it another try?” He looked hopeful, and I couldn’t help but begin to tear up at the idea that he felt the same way that I did. “I don’t want to be without you, Alissa. I knew that then, and I know that even more clearly now. That was never a doubt in my mind. I need you, we need you, both Kayla and me. Your light is what brought both of us from the darkness, and since you’ve been gone, I have been struggling to keep my head above water.”

“Look, I know that your daughter is your number one priority and that you will always put her first,” I said, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly. “I would never expect anything less. I also know that I’m not ready to give up such a good thing. We have it all, and we have since the first day that I came to babysit. I haven’t been in a place like this ever in my entire life, and I knew it was you and not just the idea of you. Your face, and Kayla’s face, run through my mind on a regular basis, hourly even, and I just can’t move past it. I know that the only thing for me to do is stop fighting my brain and start fighting to have you back. There is nothing in the world I want more than for us to be together, and to help Kayla be comfortable with me there in your lives.”

Suddenly, my mind wasn’t so foggy anymore, and I couldn’t begin to explain how excited I was to have this man on my side and by my side as well. I wanted to jump into his arms, but the feelings were so intense that I still couldn’t move a muscle. He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair, looking at me in the eyes. I could see the caring and love in his gaze, and my heart began to beat faster. This was exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t think I would actually get it back when I woke up that morning and headed over to his office. I figured at best, we would agree to be friends and keep the past in the past. I thought that I would leave there brokenhearted and alone, not completely ecstatic and in love.

“I promise that I will never let the shadow of my ex-wife ruin anything for us ever again,” he said, looking me dead in the eyes. “She’s not going to continue to control my life from another man’s arms. I will not allow her to affect your life or Kayla’s life like that anymore. I am so tired of living in her shadow, and I am more than ready to break free and have the life that I always wanted. I know that you are the person that I want to experience that life with, Alissa. I’m sorry that it took me this long to come to that conclusion.”

“I don’t care how long it took you.” I laughed. “Just as long as you got here. I’ve been waiting, knowing in my heart that you would eventually come back to me, and that we would be able to move forward with what we wanted from the beginning, to just be together.”

“I won’t let you go again,” he said.

He reached over and wiped the tear that fell from the corner of my eye and trickled down my cheek. I leaned my face into the palm of his hand and closed my eyes, taking in the warmth of his skin. I never thought I would feel his hands touching me again, nor did I think that I would hear him tell me he cared about me. I opened my eyes as he reached over and cupped my face in his hands, his mouth moving toward mine, and our eyes locked. As his lips pressed into mine, I could feel the electricity move through my entire body, and I leaned into him, letting go of everything that I had been holding onto since we said goodbye. I was finally back in the arms of the man that I loved, and I couldn’t let anything come between us again.