CHAPTER TEN
Beau
Beau says sometimes life surprises you. I wonder how often it surprises him. ~ Love, Kenny
The waitress arrived, I ordered a beer, and then Ash and I took in the menu. Your lips are good. Why had he said that? No matter how many times I tried to focus on burgers, fries, and salads, all I heard was Ash telling me my lips were good.
Lips he’d kissed.
And then promptly forgot about…ten years later reminding me it was a mistake because he was straight, yet there I was obsessing about it, something I was determined to stop doing.
“Okay, stop. What are you thinking? Right now, tell me what you’re thinking? You’re tightening your jaw so much, I’m worried you might break it.”
“I’m wondering why you’re watching me,” I lied. Obviously, I wasn’t going to tell him I couldn’t forget the way his mouth moved when he told me he liked my lips…well, kind of told me that.
“I’m not watching you.”
“Then how do you always know when I’m smiling or frowning? Or in this case, working my jaw?”
“You forget that I don’t have to see you to know these things about you. You’re easy to read, Campbell. Plus, I know you.”
“Used to know me.”
“Seems like I still do.”
Yeah, yeah, it did. The strange thing was, I didn’t feel like I knew Ash anymore. There was something different about him. The confidence was still there, but there was a vulnerability I’d never seen in him. Because of losing his career? I wondered… But then the partying and orgies surprised me too, even though they probably shouldn’t have. Ash’s main goal, even in high school, had been hooking up. “What are you going to eat?” I asked, figuring a change of subject was in order.
“I’m thinking about a lettuce-wrapped burger and maybe some sweet potato fries. I ate like shit yesterday. This is a little better, I guess.”
“Ew,” I replied.
“Ew, what?”
“Sweet potato fries, for one. Eating healthy in general, for two.” I was exaggerating…at least a little bit. I wasn’t the biggest fan of healthy eating, but I did try to do it enough to help me stay in shape.
“I’m getting fries and a burger. I think we’re going overboard by calling it eating healthy.”
I chuckled because it was true. “Point taken. If you’d gotten a salad, I might have had to leave.” It was surprising that I didn’t already feel like leaving. My emotions didn’t want me to enjoy spending time with Ashton.
“I’ll remember that for future reference.”
Future reference? As though we would be doing this again?
The waitress approached and took our orders, Ash getting what he’d said, plus another beer. I got an order of boneless buffalo wings, regular fries, and a sweet tea.
“So…tell me about your life, Campbell.”
Ugh. Campbell. It felt like such a straight-guy thing to do, always calling me by my last name. Forget that I sometimes called him Carmichael; that was different. “There’s not much to tell. I’m a firefighter, I’ve been doing it for years, and I love it. I have a house on Hickory Lane.” Not very far from Mom and Kenny, which was important to me. Maybe most people wouldn’t understand it, but that was how I felt.
“You live close to them,” Ash replied.
“Huh?” I asked, not because I hadn’t heard him, but because I was surprised he’d said it—surprised he remembered where my family lived and that he would think to mention it.
“Your mom and brother. They’re only two streets away, right? Unless I’m not remembering correctly.”
“You are.” My pulse did this strange dance, for absolutely no reason.
“You’re good to your family, Beau. You always have been. You treat them right…take care of them…sacrifice for them… Those are admirable qualities.”
My eyes darted away. It was too hard to look at Ash right then. He was saying something we both knew was true, something many people knew was true but never said it out loud—that I could have gone away to college, played college ball, had been offered scholarships, but I hadn’t done any of it. And the truth was, as much as I’d wanted that dream, I didn’t regret it. How could I?
“I made you uncomfortable.”
A laugh jumped out of my mouth, even though a moment before I hadn’t felt like laughing. “You still say whatever’s on your mind…no-holds-barred.” Though that didn’t feel a hundred percent true anymore. I thought maybe Ashton Carmichael had secrets.
“I’ve been known to stick my foot in my mouth a time or two,” he replied. “I’ve been told it can be a bit much. Actually, that’s a lie. No one ever tells me that, except you. They just pretend it doesn’t bother them.”
Well, shit. Now I felt like an asshole. “It’s an admirable quality too, Ash. You’re honest, confident. Those aren’t bad things. But if you tell anyone I said that or speak of it again, I’ll deny it. And I’m sorry I always call you on it.” In some ways, maybe I wasn’t so different from Ash. I didn’t know what it was about him that made me act the way I did, but it had always been there.
“Oh, I’m going to remind you every fucking day. You can bet on that. And…thanks, Campbell. That means a lot coming from you. Don’t apologize for it. I appreciate always knowing where I stand with you, even if it’s not the best place.” He chuckled. “At least I know it’s real.”
My brows pulled together as I looked at him, and Ash glanced away, taking a drink of his beer. There was something incredibly sad in what he’d said, in the lower tone of his smooth, confident voice, in the way he wouldn’t look me in the face. It was also sad that I’d always given Ash a hard time, always been standoffish with him in some ways. Hell, we hadn’t seen each other in ten years, yet he was thanking me for how I treated him because it was real. How many people hadn’t been honest with him? Had used him for who he was and what he had? It wasn’t something I’d ever thought about before. “I—”
“Who got the low-carb burger?” a Fever Pitch employee asked.
“That’s me,” Ash replied. She set his plate down, then mine, and gave us our drinks before disappearing again. “Perfect timing. That could have been awkward.”
That easily, I knew the conversation was over, and while part of me wanted to keep it going, to ask him what he meant, the other part was glad. I wasn’t sure I could handle getting too close to Ashton Carmichael. Subconsciously, I’d known it since I was a teenager, but it had taken his kiss to make me see it.
“I heard through the gayvine that you had dinner with a gorgeous football player you supposedly hate.”
I groaned at Linc as we jogged through Willow Brook Park. “First of all, what the fuck is a gayvine?”
“Gay version of grapevine. Hello, Beau?”
“I get it. I just think it’s silly.” I had no problem with who I was. I quite liked being gay, but I didn’t get it when some of my friends playfully put the word gay in front of everything. “And second, you knew and it took you this long to bring it up? How the hell did you even hear?”
“One never outs someone from the gayvine. Get it together!” I glanced at Lincoln as we jogged, and he grinned. He hardly had any sweat on his forehead. Linc was smaller than me, shorter and skinnier. He wore the twink badge very proudly.
“I hate you.”
“No you don’t. You love me. We’re best friends.”
I really did love him, and he was my best friend. It didn’t matter how different Linc and I were, we just fit. He was sometimes needy, drove me crazy, and I likely did him too, but I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He was who I talked to if I needed someone. He knew things about me that no one else did. Not that kiss with Ash…he doesn’t know about that. Jesus, why was I thinking about that again? “You’re right, I do love you. It’s the only reason I put up with you.”
“Aww. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is!”
In sync like always, Lincoln and I slowed down at the same time. I plucked the towel from the waist of my shorts and wiped the sweat off my face as Lincoln sat at the picnic table—yeah, the one I’d shared with Ash.
I knew that if I didn’t give him something, he’d hound me for days, or hell, weeks. “Yeah, I went out to dinner with him. It was just a thank-you for getting him and his car home. That’s all you get.” He opened his mouth, and I added, “And there’s no more to get either. He’s straight, remember?”
“Oh, come on, boo. I’ve landed plenty of straight boys for a night or two.”
“I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems like they’re pretty bisexual.”
“Yeah, I agree, but not according to them. Maybe your football player is the same?”
I shook my head. “Even if he is, I’m not interested, and he’s not my football player.” Sometimes, I wanted to kill my friend.
“You guys going to hang out again?” Linc asked.
“Nope.” And we weren’t, not that I knew of, at least. We’d had dinner together, the conversation much lighter after what Ash had admitted to me. We laughed, talked football. He gave me stories about some of his years playing, and even though I wanted to ask him why he’d thrown it all away, why he’d so obviously fallen out of love with it, I hadn’t. It wasn’t fair of me to ask, and it wasn’t my business. But I did know Ash had fallen out of love with the game. I could see it in the way he’d played the past couple of years.
I talked to him some about work and Kenny, just life in general. I’d enjoyed it more than I’d expected. There had been no awkward silences or anything like that. It was a few hours later that I’d told Ash I needed to go home. He’d paid, and we went our separate ways.
I had to admit I’d thought about it a lot since dinner two days before. It was strange how easily we fell into place. When I looked at him, I didn’t see an ex-professional-player like I thought I would. I saw annoying, sexy, cocky Ash.
And of course I’d had to throw sexy in there. Fucking Ashton. I didn’t know why it was his fault I was attracted to him, but it was.
“For a minute, I thought I was going to have to be jealous of you.” Linc nudged me. “But God, he’s gorgeous as hell. It’s simply not fair he’s straight.”
“No,” I replied honestly. “It’s not.”