CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Ashton
Ashton MVP Carmichael brought his team all the way!
Okay, so it was embarrassing to admit, but I wanted to spend all my time with Beau.
When he wasn’t working, we were together. From practice to games to jogging together. I met him for lunch sometimes. We’d eat at a restaurant called Blazes across from the firehouse. People saw us together, of course, but I told myself they would think we were just two buddies hanging out. I wasn’t sure if I believed it. I was starting to feel more relaxed, safer.
When I stopped by the fire station, I couldn’t help but notice his work buddy Jace. I remembered him from the first time I’d come when he’d asked for my autograph. Jace was hot. He and Beau seemed to get along well. He was a whole lot more like Beau than I was—serious and responsible, and did I mention hot? It took me a while to realize I was jealous…jealous of some guy who worked with Beau, even though I didn’t even know if he liked men or not. The sudden insecure streak was pissing me off, but this was Beau, and I was in love with him, so I just wanted him to be mine, mine, mine.
So one day I’d found a way to bring Jace up, and found out he was straight. Not that it should have mattered. Being in love had short-circuited my brain.
Kenny and I hung out a few more times just the two of us. I went to dinner again at Beau’s mom’s. I felt like shit that I was forcing him to lie, to hide who we were, but I just couldn’t get past the fear. It wasn’t as if I thought his family would turn me away, that they would look at me differently. Beau hung the stars in their eyes, but no amount of logic could overpower cutting myself open like that, giving them access to who I truly was inside.
I only seemed to be able to do that with Beau.
It was a Sunday night, and Beau and I were at Fever Pitch. We’d been coming here for dinner more often. It had always been Beau’s favorite place, and I realized I liked the atmosphere too. Even though anyone who looked at Beau and me would only see a couple of friends sharing a meal and maybe a beer, it almost felt like we could be more ourselves there. That we were like any other couple, and that I wasn’t forcing him to hide. Yeah, Fever Pitch was in what Lincoln called the gayborhood, but it wasn’t as if the only people who went there were part of the LGBTQ community.
Across the booth, Beau took a sip of his beer. We’d ordered our drinks but not our food yet since Lincoln was on his way to meet us. Beau had told me that Lincoln had been giving him shit for not hanging out anymore. The last thing I wanted was to take Beau away from his friends, so I’d told him he should invite him to dinner.
“I remember the first night we saw you here. It was love at first sight for Linc. He was flirting shamelessly, and you couldn’t quit guzzling down beers to save your life,” Beau said softly.
“Story of my life.” He frowned, and I continued. “Come on, don’t pretend you didn’t notice alcohol was my Band-Aid.” I’d used it to get through too many sexual encounters to name…to try and hide my attraction to men…and to Beau.
“I noticed.”
“I know.”
“Is it something you struggle with? Something we should worry about?”
I liked the we in that sentence more than I cared to admit. Fucking Beau. He had me all tied up. “No. I’m not an alcoholic. How often do I drink right now? I could go months without drinking, but I enjoy sharing a beer with you. I used it before, yes, and sometimes drugs too, but I was never an addict.”
Beau grinned at me, but before he could reply, I heard, “The party’s started. I’ve arrived,” from Lincoln as he sat down in the booth beside Beau. He leaned over and kissed Beau’s cheek, and even though it was innocent—full of friendship and support and history—a stab of jealousy pierced my gut. I wanted to be able to kiss Beau in public. What the fuck was wrong with me that I couldn’t?
“Y’all look good. Especially you over there, Mister Sexy Football Stud.” Lincoln winked at me.
“Linc…” Beau warned.
“Hey! Leave the man alone. He speaks the truth!” I told Beau.
“Oh, sugar, I think we’re meant to be,” Lincoln told me, and Beau rolled his eyes.
“I don’t think I’m going to enjoy hanging out with both of you at the same time.” Beau took a drink.
“Can’t handle us, huh, Campbell?” Beau sure as shit could handle me. I quite liked how he handled me.
“Don’t let him fool you. Beau pretends to be a stick-in-the-mud, but really, he loves this shit. He doesn’t know what he’d do without me.” Lincoln grunted when Beau elbowed him in the side.
“I pretend to be a stick-in-the-mud? Fuck you very much. I just act like a grown-up.”
“Which translates into what?” Lincoln fluttered his lashes at Beau. “B-O-R-I-N-G. But we know it’s just an act. There’s a wild man in there just trying to burst free.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Beau replied.
“Oh my God. There was this party for Beau’s twenty-first birthday, and he might or might not have gotten a little bit too drunk. He was dancing on the tables, singing at the top of his lungs—”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I cut Lincoln off. “Dancing on tables and singing. That sounds familiar, Campbell. I believe that’s something you’d give me shit about.” I knew how he’d looked at me the night of our graduation party—the frustration and annoyance that had been in his eyes…but I’d felt something else in his stare too. Something that seared my soul, made me want to run, while at the same time, made the need to be closer to him flare to life even more. It had been what made me go looking for him that night. It had been what made me kiss him.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Beau answered.
“Oh, yeah, sure you don’t,” I said, then to Lincoln, “Continue please.”
“He’d been wild as hell that night. Then, of course, he turned back into straight-man-trapped-in-a-gay-man’s-body Beau, made everyone shut up so he could turn on the TV and watch the end of a college football game. And then he got all emo, took two guys in the bedroom, and had his first threesome—oh. Oops…”
It was as if my heart stopped, like I was in a hospital and they put the paddles on my chest, shocking me forward, and I jerked toward the table.
Beau had stopped partying on his birthday to watch me play football…
Then he’d slept with two men.
I didn’t like the fucking part, but the other? The other made my heart swell.
“You know you’re judgmental as shit,” Beau told Lincoln, effectively preventing a conversation about the other revelations from happening. Not that I knew what to say anyway. I was distracted by the fact that Beau had fucked two men after watching me play ball. Not that I hadn’t had my own threesomes.
Beau added, “Gay men can like sports. It’s not a straight or gay thing.”
“I know. It was a joke. Not a very good one, obviously.”
“Well, no one has ever said you had a good sense of humor,” Beau replied, and Lincoln gasped.
They playfully tossed jabs back and forth to each other before Beau launched into a funny story about Lincoln, then Lincoln another about Beau. We ordered dinner and ate. I was caught between enjoying seeing them together, seeing Beau with a close friend, watching him let go and laugh, and the J word again that was a weird-as-fuck feeling for me. I didn’t do jealousy.
They were telling a story about Lincoln in nursing school when my cell rang. My pulse jumped, wrapping against my skin, when I saw a familiar California phone number. “I’m…going to step outside and take this real quick,” I told them.
Beau frowned at me as though he was worried something was wrong. I did my best to give him a reassuring smile. My finger lingered over the screen as I walked away. “Hey, hold on just a second.”
“Still think the sun rises and sets on you, I see,” my agent, Andrea, replied.
“Ha-ha.” When I got outside, I leaned against Fever Pitch. “Okay, I’m here.”
“How are the sticks treating you? Helping you get your head on straight?”
No, not straight…but my head is clearer than it’s ever been… “It’s not the sticks, and I’m doing fine. You?”
“Good,” she replied. “You keeping in shape? Staying out of trouble? The only headlines I’m seeing are the initial ones with you popping up in your hometown and the latest about coaching the special-education team. Good call.”
My heart leaped into my throat. I should have known that would happen eventually. I couldn’t believe it stayed quiet as long as it did, that I’d missed the headline or that reporters hadn’t come calling. “I’m not doing it for my reputation, Andrea. I’m doing it because I want to.” Because I loved doing it.
“Does the reason really matter?” she asked bluntly. “What matters is that it is helping your image. And there have been some talks…the Tigers’ quarterback’s contract is up after this season. They don’t have the money to keep him. He doesn’t want to stay, and they’re looking to rebuild their team. You’ll draw a crowd…especially coming out of retirement.”
The phone damn near tumbled out of my hand. Blood rushed through my ears. I might be able to play… I might be able to go back… I could prove them all wrong about me.
But did I want to?
“Carmichael, you there?” she asked.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I’m here. I also see what you’re saying. They can afford me because I’ll be cheap, right? I’m a liability.”
“An ex-liability who has been spending his time off out of trouble and coaching those with developmental disabilities.”
“Don’t.” I could hear the venom in my words. “Don’t use that. You don’t get to use that like it’s a marketing strategy. I won’t tolerate it.” It was probably one of the realest, most pure things I’d done in my life. I would never let her use Kenny or his team that way.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you, but you know how the business works, Ashton. At least you used to.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” And it made me sick to my stomach.
“Keep your nose clean, okay? Don’t draw any negative attention to yourself. Keep in shape, and we’ll talk soon. I can’t make you any promises. There are a lot of months between now and then, but this could be big for you. Don’t fuck it up.”
With that, she hung up. I dropped my head back, took a few deep breaths.
I might have a team. I might be able to play again.
I would lose Beau.
“Hey.” Beau’s voice startled me, made my eyes snap open. “You’re white as a ghost. Are you okay?”
Don’t draw any negative attention to yourself. Don’t fuck it up.
He reached for me, put a hand on my hip, and reflex had me jerking away. He yanked his hand back. “Shit, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about being in public. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just not feeling great. I think I need to head home.”
“Oh.” The corners of his eyes crinkled, and it was so damn cute, I wanted to kiss it. “I can have Linc take me to my place.”
“Will you come home with me?” I asked, my voice full of vulnerability. “I know you’re hanging out with Lincoln, but…” But I needed him. I wanted him. “Never mind. I’m being ridiculous.”
“Yeah, of course I’ll come with you. I just wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”
“I want you,” I whispered. I always wanted Beau.
I waited outside while Beau went in to pay and made up an excuse to tell Lincoln. We were walking to the car when he asked, “Who was that on the phone?”
“Just an old friend,” I replied. Why stress him out with the possibility of a move to Texas if it might not happen? Which obviously was just me trying to make myself feel better.
I drove us home, and we showered together. When we were in bed and I was buried inside Beau, all I could think of was how right it felt, how much I would miss him if I left…but I was also unsure whether I was strong enough to stay.