Chapter 26
Clarke paces the floor while awaiting Tim to return. His call left her stomach in knots. She wonders if he already suspects something is wrong or if it’s just her guilty conscience getting the best of her.
She’s tried to run every possible scenario through her mind. What will happen when he learns of her betrayal? Will he forgive her? Will he ask her to stay away from Eli forever? How will that work when he’s a part of Tyler’s life now?
The sound of the door opening gets her attention. Knowing how desperate it seems, she rushes toward him until she’s thrown her arms around his back. He kisses her on the lips while staring into her eyes to pinpoint what’s the fuss about. He’s gone on business trips many times but she’s never been this happy to see him. “I missed you,” she offers.
“I missed you too. How did it go with Tyler and Eli?”
“It went well,” she tells him, while following behind as he heads into the bedroom to drop his suitcase. “They were fast friends.”
“I bet it was nice to see them bond after all this time.”
She nods. “Yeah. I’m happy for Tyler.”
Clarke wonders if she’s being too obvious. Does Tim suspect anything happened?
He finally gives her all of his attention. His hands come up and touch both of her shoulders. “How are you feeling?”
She starts to tell him everything was fine, but immediately breaks down. “I did something and you’re probably going to hate me for it.”
“I figured it would be difficult. I mean, when a man and a woman have a child they share a bond. For the first time you were a family. Feelings are going to come into play. You never got closure before. It takes a toll on you.” Tim sighs heavily and takes a seat on the mattress. He looks away from Clarke to try to conceal his mixed emotions regarding what he feared. “What happened?”
Clarke sniffles and fiddles with her fingers while expressing the terrible truth. “We slept together. I’m so sorry, Tim. It just happened. I don’t know what came over me.”
Tim starts to walk out of the room, leaving her to bawl alone. He told himself that he’d be able to handle this if it occurred, but hearing it straight from her mouth is like a knife straight through his heart.
He’s already watched one woman he loves slip away. Cancer took their happily ever after. Just when he figured his heart could never love another person, he met Clarke. Now he’s faced with the same ending.
Clarke runs after him. “Tim, please don’t walk away. It was a mistake. It will never happen again. I love you. I want to be with you and be your wife. You have to believe me. I know you’re the one I want to be with. You’re the right choice.”
“Choice? How can you say it like that and not make me feel like it’s about convenience?”
“It’s not. You know how I feel about you. My past with Eli is so complicated. It was a terrible mistake. I left right after it happened. I regret it.”
“Do you, Clarke? Do you regret falling back into his arms? Do you regret feeling him hold you?” Tim is beginning to let his emotions get the best of him. “When he was inside of you did you think of me, or were you too caught up in being with Eli?”
Clarke’s mouth falls open. She knows this is the reaction she deserves, but she pictured it going differently. “I –.”
“You can’t answer. Don’t worry. The truth is plastered across your face.” Running his hand through his hair, Tim takes a few deep breaths. “I gave you space because I needed to know for sure. In all honesty, I didn’t think it would happen so fast. I knew you two had unresolved feelings for each other. You were both manipulated and it wasn’t fair. From the moment you told me you’d learned the truth, and what it was, I saw you fading away. I knew I couldn’t compete with the kind of love you shared with Eli. You two are connected with a child. Even if I wanted to fight, I’d never take away the chance for Tyler to have the best life possible.”
“Please don’t say it, Tim. Don’t say what I know you’re going to say.”
“Clarke, you’re in love with Eli. Even if you love me too, I can’t share you. Even if it’s never physical again, it can’t share your heart. I’m selfish. I want you to myself. “
“I’ll do anything.”
“I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do. I love you. I’ll probably always love you.” His voice cracks when he says it. He can’t believe it’s come to this so quickly. “But I have to let you go. You deserve to be happy too, and as much as I know you’re sorry for what happened, a part of you can’t regret it. Take me out of the equation for a second and think about how last night made you feel.”
Clarke just stares at Tim with a lost set of eyes. “No.”
“You won’t because you know I’m right. That kind of love doesn’t die off. I know, because I had it before. It’s forever. It’s so damn powerful it consumes every part of you until you’re half of a person without them.”
She tugs at his arms until he gives in and holds her. They both share a few minutes of cries before Tim pulls away. Clarke wipes his eyes, but she knows his pain and suffering has only just begun. “I do love you, Tim.”
“I know. It’s just not the kind of love that can move mountains. You’re a beautiful, compassionate woman with a second chance that most of us will never get. From the moment I first saw the two of you together I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost you. Please stop fighting it. Stop trying to convince yourself that it was a mistake when we both know it happened for a reason.”
She looks down at her engagement ring. When she starts to take it off he stops her. “Keep it. Let it always remind you of the time we shared together. Let it remind you that you always a friend who cares deeply for you.”
He takes both of her hands and kisses them at the same time. “I’m going to head out for a while. I’ll give you space and time.”
“Please don’t go.”
“I’m sorry, Clarke, but I can’t be here with you. It hurts way too much. I can’t watch you pack your things and say goodbye.”
She cries harder, her bellows making Tim feel worse. He wants nothing more than to be able to comfort her, but he’s reeling in pain. He’s destroyed, and it’s probably his fault for allowing it to happen. He just needed to know.
As Clarke watches the man she was planning a future with walk out the door, she looks around at the memories she’ll have to cherish and loses it all over again. It’s too much to carry. Loving to men. Losing herself physically and emotionally, it’s all too much to deal with it.
In tears, and unable to cope with what’s falling apart around her, Clarke reaches out to her father. He tells her Eli had visited him and talked to him about letting her go. Now Clarke feels like neither really want her. She’s betrayed them both in different ways, and now she has to live with the guilt.
Before the call ends she tells her father she’ll be coming back home. She knows he’s probably thrilled, while she’s a mess. All she wanted was to feel the love from Eli one more time. She wanted to get lost in those eyes she missed. She needed to feel that connection no one else has ever given her. When it was over she knew nothing would ever be the same. Clarke knew she’d just changed her future, she just didn’t know it would catch up to her so fast.
Packing up as much as possible, Clarke fills her car until only she can fit in the driver’s side. She’s heading down the road to get to her dad’s when she passes by the route that would take her back to Eli’s. Making a U-turn illegally, she heads back in that direction to face the second man who is reeling from her poor decisions.
Power tools are being operated when she steps out from her vehicle. She heads inside to find him crouched down with his other son, Jonny. They’re putting together a huge car that looks to be a bed frame. The craftsmanship is spectacular. For a few seconds she takes it in and appreciates the talent behind it.
Eli looks back and sees her standing there. He quickly stands and tells Jonny to take a short break. After telling him where the cookies are hidden, the boy disappears downstairs.
Then it’s just Eli and Clarke.
He doesn’t approach her. “I didn’t think I’d hear from you so soon.”
The sun is beginning to set, and as Eli peers out the window he sees a car stuffed full of items. His eyes narrow back to Clarke. “What happened?”
She’s already starting to cry when the words come out. “I had to tell him the truth.”
“Which was?”
“I told him we slept together.”
“Did he kick you out?” As Eli asks he’s torn with how he feels about it. Seeing Clarke upset isn’t what he wants, but the idea of her being free is wonderful for him.
“No. He just said he couldn’t be with a person who was so much in love with someone else.”
Eli places his hands in his pockets and nods. “I get it. I don’t think I could be with someone that way either. It’s the not knowing that eats you alive.”
“I hurt him so much. We shouldn’t have…it was wrong of us to be so selfish.”
“Maybe. I don’t regret a single second of it. If anything, it only proved to me that I’ll never be able to get you out of my system.”
Clarke speaks quickly. “I can’t be with you, Eli. Not like this. Not when you’re the only option. I need time.”
It hurts. Its really does. Eli saw his chance to have it all back, but she’s shooting him down. “The only option huh? What about being the right option?”
“I know you’re right. I know we should be together. I just can’t jump into it. I love Tim too, and until I can sort those feelings out and live with the hurt I’ve caused him, I can’t give myself to you. I won’t. I only came here to tell you how I feel.”
Eli stops her before she’s able to walk out of the room. “I love you. You love me. When you’re ready, I know we’ll be together.”
She’s still crying when she leaves the house and drives away. Clarke knows being alone is the best way for her to sort through her feelings, even if it’s the hardest thing she’s ever had to do.