Chapter 24
Clarke is startled awake when Eli shifts in the bed. It takes a few seconds for her to remember how she got here and the reason behind it. Tears. The silent kind. They creep up and consume her. She quietly sobs until she can no longer be this close to him. It’s not so much as regret, but sorrow. Her father told her this would happen. Clarke is torn between two beautiful souls. She’s lost in her own trepidation and guilt of what’s happened overwhelms her.
She’s sick to her stomach, but swallows back the bile in order to locate her articles of clothing. Once the bundle is in her arms, she rushes down the hall and dresses in front of the boys’ room.
Having no idea of the time, Clarke ambles in the room and gathers Tyler up in her arms. She doesn’t contemplate what this will do to Eli, or the fact that this could make her situation worse. All she’s thinking about is getting the hell out of there before he stops her.
She’s weak. If he walked into the room and looked at her with his sad eyes she’d end up right back in his bed. It terrifies her. She’s never had that kind of pull with Tim.
Assuming it’s because of the way things ended with Eli, so unresolved, Clarke carries her sleeping son downstairs and out to her vehicle. He stirs as she slips him into the backseat and buckles him into a regular belt instead of his booster. She’s confident he’ll be fine because the area is so rural she won’t see another vehicle this time of night.
She sobs the entire ride back to her house she shares with Tim. Thankfully, he’s decided to take a trip out of town to meet with a school friend about going into business with him. She knows she’ll only have until he arrives back to get herself together. The idea of breaking his heart strikes her down, crippling her ability to look at how perfectly it felt to be with Eli. She knows it should be considered a huge mistake, but pushes those thoughts to the furthest part of her brain anyway.
Tyler sleeps the whole way until she’s putting him in his bed. He sits up and looks around. “Mommy, was I dreaming of having a dad?”
“No sweetie,” she answers softly. “Your daddy is real. I just had something to do so I brought you home early. You can go and see him another time. Go back to sleep. I’ll make you pancakes when you get up.”
Clarke waits to make sure Tyler falls back asleep before exiting the room. The first thing she does is shower. She needs to wash away every remnant of Eli. Sunken down on the tile floor, the water sprays over her body as she shudders in an internal agony. This isn’t the kind of person Clarke is or wants to be. She’s not a cheater. She’s horrible at lying. She’s a lover, not a fighter.
Life has been unfair to her. She thought she’d never find love again, and just when she gets it, Eli steps back into her life like a barreling storm. It was only a matter of time before she gave in to the feelings she attempted to hide from her own conscience.
By the time the water runs cold, Clarke is left emotionally beaten and bruised. She’s sullen, lost in a million thoughts and scenarios. Her mind won’t shut off.
As the sun begins to rise, Clarke manages to get dressed into something comfortable and ends up on the couch. She can’t close her eyes, because when she does she can see and feel Eli like he’s right there with her. Her eyes are beginning to swell from all the tears. Tim is going to see right through her. He’s going to know what she’s done. What bothers Clarke more is that she’s certain he’d be willing to forgive her. He’s that good of a person who trusts with his whole heart. She doesn’t deserve him, but she’s also not willing to give him up. When she was at her lowest he saved her. He gave her back a part of her she’d thought she’d lost.
Eli, on the other hand, is strong. He’ll be able to bounce back. With the constant attention from his two newfound sons, he’ll prosper as a father, and devote every waking second to ensure they’re spoiled and taken care of. He’s never going to leave again. It’s comforting in itself. Clarke thinks it’s enough to be able to stay with Tim. Knowing Eli will be there for Tyler is the most important thing to her. Lives don’t have to change anymore than they already have. She can’t let that happen. Tim has already been through too much to be deceived on top of it.
Her only choice is to be honest and pray it’s enough. It’s all she can do.
Tyler wakes as soon as the sun can cast through his curtains. Since Clarke hasn’t had any sleep, she decides it would be best to take him over to her dad’s house for the day. She’ll have time to rest before Tim arrives and they can have their talk in private.
Her father knows something is up the moment she saunters through the door. He tells Tyler to go raid his pantry for snacks so he can ask his daughter what’s going on.
“How did the meet go?”
She sighs and takes the seat across from him, covering her face as she begins. “Dad, I screwed up so bad. Tyler and Eli were the cutest. They bonded like they’re old friends. I have no doubt that Eli will be in his life from now on.”
“What’s gotten you so upset then?” Of course her father can read her.
“It’s Eli. Oh, you have no idea how bad I screwed up last night. I’m such an idiot.”
“Did you say something to make him angry again? Was he hard on you?”
“No. Nothing like that. Eli was a perfect gentleman in and out of the bedroom.”
As soon as she says it her father catches on, though Clarke doesn’t let him ask questions yet. “It’s not what you think. It was beautiful, he and Tyler. We all embraced and it was so emotional. After Tyler went to bed we started talking and one thing led to another. It’s not like I planned for it to happen, but it’s Eli. There’s so much we left without resolve. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t even want to.”
“Now you’re feeling guilty?”
She shrugs. “If I’m being perfectly honest with myself, not really. My feelings for him have never gone away. I can’t regret something I wanted. Being there with him, feeling the connection we still have, and then adding Tyler to the mix…”
“You were a family,” he finishes for her.
“Exactly.”
Her father nods. “It’s understandable, especially considering that all these years he’s been gone for reasons that had nothing to do with the two of you. I can imagine it’s hard to be in love with two completely different people. Like I said before, you need to decide which is best for your future.”
“That’s the problem. They’re both wonderful men. They both have individual qualities I admire. They’re both faithful to a fault. They love Tyler. Eli is his father, though. There’s no denying that. I just don’t know what to do because either way I’m hurting someone. It hurts me.” Clarke is stricken with more tears as she comes to terms with what she’s saying. “Tim is such a wonderful person. He’s never done anything to deserve this. I care deeply for him, and I think the problem I have is that I know Eli can handle it if he can’t be with me. He’s stronger. He’s done it already.”
“Can you handle having Eli so close and not being able to love him?”
Clarke gives her dad a serious look. “You got me there. I mean, what happens when he starts dating? It will kill me. Tyler could have a step-mom.”
“Tim would be his step-dad. What’s the difference?”
“I’m being selfish. It’s suffocating me.”
“Which man can’t you live without?”
She rubs her eyes again. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
The fact that she’s aware how complicated this has gotten only stresses Clarke more. She needs time to think, and unfortunately she’s running out of it. At any second she’s going to get a call from Tim, who will assume she’s still at Eli’s house. Then he’s going to want to know why she left early. Then he’ll question why she had to go to her father’s to talk. It will trickle down until he doesn’t even have to ask what happened. He’ll know what’s she done.
Terrified, Clarke kisses her father and son before heading home. She decides to await Tim while having some alone time to sort through her feelings. She’s been so worried about hurting them that she hasn’t stopped to realize it’s tearing her apart inside. Nothing good will come of this, and like it or not, it’s a burden she’s forced to face.
Chapter 25
Birds chirping outdoors wakes Eli from a blissful sleep. He rolls over and feels around before opening his eyes to discover the spot in the bed next to him is no longer occupied.
Assuming she went into the room with Tyler, Eli gets up and decides to surprise them with pancakes. Tyler had requested them before bed.
After about twenty minutes he has three plates full that he’s carrying up on a tray. He knocks first and announces his presence as he opens the door. “Wake up. I made breakfast.”
The bed is empty.
Tyler’s bag is gone.
They’re gone.
Worried, Eli runs back downstairs and checks for Clarke’s vehicle. It’s not there.
He rushes to his phone and dials her number only to get the voicemail. He sends her a text and notices that it never gets delivered, which tells him her phone is turned off. Something is wrong and Eli is in a panic over it.
He feels like perhaps he overstepped. Maybe he should have stopped what was happening between he and Clarke because she couldn’t.
Leaving the breakfast in the kitchen, Eli runs upstairs to change his clothes. He races out the door minutes later fretting about what he’s going to walk into. He’s so close to having everything he’s ever wanted. He can’t let her slip away, not without a fight.
Tortured by a past he no longer wants to live in, Eli struggles to find reason, to sort out his wrongs, and to grasp what he's so close to getting back.
Never believing in fate, he prays last night wasn't a huge mistake. It all happened so quickly, so naturally. He hadn't planned on acting out his feelings. Their mutual affection got the best of them. One thing led to another. He could fight his conscience when he knew it might be his last chance.
Now he's stricken with the brutal truth.
Making love to Clarke probably scared her away. She didn't want to admit how strong of a love they shared, and when it came out all bets were off. She can't hide behind an engagement to another man. Lying to herself won't change a damn thing. Clarke's heart, at least a big part of it, still belongs to Eli, and he's desperate to prove it.
Since he's unsure where she lives, he visits her father's house first. Tyler opens the door and wraps his arms around him. "Daddy. Did you come to get me?"
Clarke's dad stands behind the child. "Eli, I've been expecting you. Come on inside and talk to an old man."
He holds his hand out for Eli to shake. His firm grip makes the old man smile. "Mr. Mayville. Looking good, sir."
"Don't go spreading rumors on my account. I know I've seen better days."
They both laugh as they enter the living room.
It smells of Ben Gay and possibly eggs from breakfast. Tyler is building a tower with Lego's while the two men take a seat. "I suppose you're looking for my daughter."
"Is she here?"
"Na. She left Ty about an hour ago. Says she's got some thinking to do. She told me what happened, though I can't say I didn't see it coming. You two always had a special kind of love. From my own experience I can tell you it never goes away, not even after they're gone."
Eli appreciates the man's honesty. He nods, but keeps his thoughts on Clarke. "How was she when you saw her?"
"How do you think? She's a mess. You and Tim have really screwed with her progress, that's for sure."
"I never meant to cause her pain."
"She knows that." Her dad looks across the room at Tyler and smiles. “All she ever wanted was for you to be there. The fact that you’re back and the reasons for you leaving weren’t anything she could have expected. It changed her feelings from being angry and begrudging to compassion. You’ve both been screwed over, Eli. The truth is, it’s neither of your faults that you’re in this situation.”
“She loves Tim. I’m not a fool. How can I expect her to want me after everything we went though? She says he’s a good guy, and that he loves Tyler. I just want her to be happy, and if it’s not with me I have to accept it.”
“Last night was the first time the two of you were able to express your feelings for one another. I think you both knew where you stood, but you had enough sense before to keep from making irrational decisions. Last night you were full of emotions, all three of you. Bonding with the child you made only intensified things. Being a parent myself, I can’t begin to imagine what’s it like for you to discover Tyler was yours. You and Clarke will be connected forever, regardless who she ends up with.”
“I know. I will respect her decision. I won’t interfere. In fact, I’d apologize to Tim if I thought it would help. We acted on impulse. I don’t think either of us were in any position to stop and think what the repercussions would be.” Eli fully understands what they shared was wrong. She’d promised her heart to another man and betrayed him. Wherever Clarke is, she’s got to be distraught and confused. “How was she when you saw her?”
“A wreck. She’s pretty messed up about everything. My daughter doesn’t like hurting people, especially ones that mean something to her. I’m afraid her feelings are causing her a lot of grief.”
“Should I stay away? Do you think it would be beneficial for her if I took myself out of the equation? I mean, I’d still be a father to Tyler, but I’d keep my distance to make it easier for her.”
The old man shakes his head. “Clarke wouldn’t want you to. She’d feel obligated to put on a brave face.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. No matter how hard I try to make things right I keep hurting her. It’s so damn unfair.”
“Life isn’t always fair, son.”
Eli reaches over and shakes the man’s hand again. “I appreciate the talk. For now I’ll keep my distance and let Clarke come to me. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to say goodbye to my son. There’s no telling how long it will be before I see him again.”
Eli sits down across from his son and begins to build something out of a pile of Legos. “Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”
He sadly shrugs. “Mommy was crying. Did you hurt her feelings?’
“I don’t know. If I did I didn’t mean it.”
“I didn’t want to leave your house,” he says with a pouty bottom lip.
“Don’t worry. You’ll be over again this week. You have to meet your brother, remember?”
His face chippers up. “Yeah. Do you think Jonny likes Legos?”
“I happen to know he does, and cars, and animals. You have a lot in common. Do you know what that means?”
“It means we like the same stuff.”
“Correct. Don’t worry. We’re going to have a great time together.” Eli takes in the boy for another second. “I love you, buddy. I’ll call you tonight before bed, okay? Would you like that?”
“Yes.”
Before it gets too hard, Eli steps away and waves as he leaves the home. He wishes he could take Tyler with him, but knows it’s too soon to start making assumptions.
It’s not until he’s back in his truck that he’s overcome with fear. What happened could ruin his chances of having a cordial relationship with Clarke and Tim.
Not knowing what to do to make things better, he heads back to his house where he’ll keep himself occupied until Clarke decides to reach out to him.
After making a call to Siobhan, he plans to meet she and Jonny for an afternoon lunch. He doesn’t want Jonny to feel like he’s spending more time with Tyler and vice versa. What he’d like to do is always have them on the same days so that they’ll be able to have each other to play with and bond.
Ever since finding out about Tyler, Eli’s been letting go of his constant distrust for Siobhan. He still doesn’t like her. He doesn’t have to. They share a child and need to get along, and his boys are more important than anything that happened in the past. As long as she doesn’t fight him, he’s willing to stop holding a grudge.
They meet at the local diner Clarke works at. A young female waits on them, while Siobhan checks her silverware for spots. Jonny and Eli order the same things, while Siobhan prefers her liquid diet of coffee.
Together, they talk about his first meeting with Tyler and how similar the two boys are. He tells Jonny of his excitement and can see the pleasure in his eyes just thinking about having a sibling.
Being with them takes his mind off of Clarke. They spend a good hour together before Siobhan let’s Jonny go home with Eli. He’s getting the impression that she might like the additional free time she has now that he has an active parent back in his life. According to Jonny, his father had him half of the time. It excites him to know it won’t just be weekends and every other holiday like some of his friends have.
The boys head home and get to work on the matching wooden bed frames. Jonny pays close attention to his father introducing him to the names of each tool. Eli straps his huge took belt on the boy and lets him hand him what he needs. This is special, not just for Jonny, but also Eli. He’s teaching his son a craft, while spending time with him. It’s these moments that will replace the ones where he was absent.
For dinner Eli makes chicken on the grill. Every once in a while he checks his phone for missed calls or messages, only to discover there are none.