Chapter 9
Clarke makes it a mile down the road before she breaks into a weeping fit. One second she was driving to work and the next she ended up in Eli’s driveway. She’s hyperventilating, wishing she’d never made such an irrational decision.
With her body shaking profusely, she cuts off the ignition to her Volkswagen Jetta and bellows against the steering wheel.
So much was left unsaid again. Just seeing him brought back so much pain. It was like she was reliving the exact moment she discovered he’d left her behind. She could vividly hear Siobhan telling her Eli was gone and never coming back. For years she’d had to risk running into the woman who provided her with the sad news. She’d questioned whether what she told her was the truth, but now it’s evident it was. Eli left her. He didn’t even ask about his own son. What kind of person pretends their own flesh and blood doesn’t exist?
Clarke wants to feel broken up about her visit with Eli, but as she sits there and runs through the encounter she knows there’s no reason to fear he’s staying in town for Tyler.
When the car starts back up Clarke knows exactly what she wants for her son. It’s time to have a serious talk with Tim and ask him something that will require a lot of love and devotion. If anyone can ensure those two requirements it’s him.
After making a quick call to the diner, where she’s almost too upset to speak properly, Clarke tells them she won’t be in for her shift. Not many questions are asked when the person on the other end of the call hears the sadness in her voice.
It’s upsetting to Clarke when she finally arrives back at the place she shares with Tim and still hasn’t been able to calm down. She’s a blubbering mess as her vehicle comes to a halt in the paved driveway next to his truck. For a few moments she remains in the seat sniffling and then losing it again.
Through a haze of tears she sees a figure come into view. Tim opens the door and crouches down before her. He takes one look at her and pulls her into his arms. “What’s going on, babe? Talk to me. Is it your grandpa?”
Clarke shakes her head. “No. He’s fine. I did something stupid and I need to make it right.”
Tim pulls away and wipes the tears from her eyes. She can see the worry across his face as his begins to wonder what could be causing this display of emotional distress. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”
Any other person would assume there is someone else, but not Tim. He’s confident Clarke loves him. “I want you to be Tyler’s father. It’s not fair for you to do so much for him and get nothing in return. He’s never had a dad. I was hoping you’d think about adopting him after we’re married. It’s okay if you need time to consider it.”
“I don’t need time, Clarke. I love Tyler. I’d be honored to give him my name.”
Clarke falls against his chest, celebrating in a hug she never wants to part from. This is the good news she needs. It’s what she wants for her son. This is the last part of them being a real family.
One visit with Eli wasn’t going to change that. It couldn’t. He’s nothing but a memory. There’s no reason to hold out hope of things changing. This is the life she dreamed of, and she’s tired of making excuses why it can’t happen.
“Let’s elope,” she suggests.
Tim is elated. Never in a million years did he expect this type of reaction from Clarke when she arrived home in tears. “Really? What about the white dress and guest list?”
“We’ll have a reception.”
“I’d marry you today if it was possible. You know that.”
“Oh, Tim. You have no idea how happy you make me. I can’t wait to make it official.”
“We’ll apply for the license in the morning, babe. This time next week and you’ll be my wife. Now we just need to find our forever home so we can add more kids to the mix.”
It’s music to her ears.
The only problem is since she came face to face with her past, it’s only a matter of time before it catches up to her. All those unresolved feelings. The pain and anguish she endured. The beautiful child they created. It couldn’t have all been a lie. She was there during every first experience. As much as she wishes she could forget all of them, it’s impossible when she looks into her son’s eyes and feels the unconditional love only he can give her.
As much as Clarke wants to be excited for what’s to come, her brain won’t shut off. She spends the night tossing and turning, picturing different scenarios with her confrontation with Eli. She thinks about the child she saw. He looked nothing like her Tyler. In fact, he appeared to be older, which would mean he didn’t belong to him at all.
She also noticed neither of them were wearing rings. As much as she’s liked to think they weren’t involved, Clarke knew better. If Eli was anything like the charmer in high school, he’d find someone to share his time with, especially in the bedroom.
The thoughts are hard to imagine. Him loving another woman. Him being a father to someone else’s child, when he abandoned the opportunity of his own.
Nothing makes sense. Her thought process is jumbled with despair and confusion. Clarke knows what she was told. Eli left because he didn’t want to be a father. She knows he never once asked about his son. What she doesn’t know is why? Why return to a place where he knew she’d be? Why not leave as soon as the funeral was over? Why would he speak to Joe about her? Did he still care?
The more she let her imagination wander, the worse she felt inside. Clarke quietly weeps in the bed next to Tim. He sleeps soundly, unknowing she’s going through a mental breakdown only inches away.
It’s difficult for Clarke to fathom a future without Tim in it. She knows that prolonging the whole long truth could put her relationship in danger, but admitting there was ever someone else opens her up to being accused of never getting over Eli. In her heart she’s aware she wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes and lie. It’s bad enough she’s been doing it since they met, but to be able to deny it to his face only proves there’s still something unsettled she obviously needs to sort out.
With her marriage being rushed, and now an adoption added to the mix, Clarke feels overwhelmed. She did this to herself. If everything falls apart this time it will be her doing. There’s only so much one man can take before he gives up. Tim’s been through hell. He’s watched the woman he loved suffer for over a year before cancer took her life. He’s given back to his community. He loves like no other. She knows he’s the man she wants for her future. She’s just worried he can never be the man she needs. The one she desires deep down inside. The person who she gave her heart and soul to. The man who gave her Tyler. Clarke fears that one day she’ll wake up and know what she desires and needs isn’t love and devotion. Tim will give her that and more. She just prays he’s able to fill the void Eli left behind, because if not, she’ll never be able to really let go.