Chapter 7
Clarke sits outside as the mists of rain begins to wet everything it touches. There’s a cold chill in the air as the gray clouds continue to fill the sky. She shivers and rubs the sides of her arms to create warmth, but doesn’t dare go inside and face Tim with the guilt she’s experiencing. This is something Clarke wants to nip in the butt before he catches wind of it. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. Not like it’s hurting Clarke. She’s bottled up all of her feelings, promising to never let them back out. Ever since getting engaged she’s felt her secrets weighing heavily on her. It’s left her depressed and concerned for her happiness. How can she move forward if the past won’t let go?
It’s time to give her son the future he deserves. Clarke wants Tyler to have a dad he can count on to take him to ball practice, teach him how to fish, and most importantly depend on. Tim wants the title. He wants children, a whole house full. The idea of that life seems hard to imagine when she’s been struggling her whole life. Nothing good ever happens to her. Clarke fears Tim will be another person she has to let go of if she can’t learn to be optimistic and hope for the best. Her fears haunt her, and until she can eradicate the negative thoughts, she’s doomed for doubt.
One week ago she learned of the passing of Eli’s father. The past seven days have been a blur. At first it was the fear of Eli coming back to town.
Six years ago Siobhan relayed his message. He didn’t want to be a father to his child. He’d told her that he’d changed his mind. It didn’t make sense back then, and still doesn’t now. Clarke knows what they shared was special. She’s wondered if maybe she never knew the real Eli, or maybe being a father scared him so badly he felt like she was trying to trap him. Whatever the case, she fears he’ll show up on her door wanting to be a part of Tyler’s life. Even if he wanted nothing to do with him at conception, things change. Maybe she’s partial, but Clarke feels like Tyler is the cutest little boy. He’s kind and loves nature. When he smiles all of her fears subside. He’s the best part of Eli, and for that she’ll be forever grateful. He may have stripped her of her dreams, but he left a piece of him behind that Clarke isn’t ready to share.
As the days pass, so does her worry. The longer it goes without a word from him, the least likely he’s to come knocking on her door.
Unfortunately, Tim is suspicious of something going on. Just this morning he confronted her, asking what was on her mind. As much as Clarke wanted to tell him the truth, she refused to bring up Eli. To this day she’s never told him about Tyler’s paternity. For the longest time people suspected but never asked. Eventually it was easier to make up a different father than to admit the child belonged to Eli. People from school could assume all they wanted, but the lie she’d made up forced them to reconsider. She’d told everyone she’d cheated on Eli, and that’s the reason he left. It made her less of a victim, and at the time she needed all the help she could get.
Clarke remembers the time she ran into Elias Sr. at a community event. He looked into the eyes of the boy and had to know he was his grandson, but never asked the burning question.
Now Clarke regrets not telling him. He’d been a good man, a gentle soul. Having always felt responsible for Eli leaving, Clarke knew she could have given the man a piece of his son, but selfishly kept him a secret. She’d even gone as far as leaving the father on the birth certificate blank, even when she knew it made her look like a whore. It was much easier than admitting the real father had left her high and dry when he discovered she was carrying his child. What kind of immature coward does such a thing? That’s the question she’s asked herself each time she sees her son.
Tim slips out onto the deck of his small two bedroom apartment. “Hey, babe. It’s getting ready to pour. What’re you doing out here?”
“Just appreciating the quiet.”
His warm hands find her shoulders and begin to massage them. “Are you having doubts about us?”
Clarke turns and flashes a worried grimace. “Of course not.” She pulls him by the hand until he’s facing her. “I’m sorry. My head is all over the place. I think the wedding and house hunting is getting the best of me.”
“Do you want to put the wedding planning on hold?”
Her head shakes back and forth. “No.” Looking him straight in the eyes, Clarke reassures the man she loves. “You and I are going to get married as soon as possible. Nothing will change that. I’ll be fine.” The last thing Clarke wants is to jeopardize her relationship with Tim over fears of seeing Eli. Tim is forgiving. He’d understand and be supportive. “I’m sorry for being distant this week. Someone I know passed away. I missed the funeral, and it’s just been bothering me.” At least a little of the truth makes her feel less sneaky. When she’s ready she knows she’ll tell him all about Eli. First she needs to make sure he’s never coming around.
Tim kisses her on the forehead. “Your phone has been blowing up inside. I think it’s Abigail. Do you think they want you to pull another double shift, because I’m okay if you quit that job. They work you too hard.”
“No. I’m sure it’s something ridiculous.” Clarke stands and straightens her yoga pants before heading inside. A couple days ago she told Abigail a little about Eli’s father, which led to some details regarding her relationship with his son. She’s worried she might have ran her mouth to someone like Joe, another employee of the diner. He graduated two years before her, but is familiar with people from town. If Joe finds out Eli is back, he’ll never let her live it down. She dials back her friend and hears her voice on the other end of the line.
“Clarke, oh my God, you’re never going to believe who just walked out of here.”
“Who? Is it someone famous?”
“No. Joe said it’s Eli Jr. He came in for lunch looking all hot and sexy. He and Joe started shooting the shit, so of course I was curious. I couldn’t believe it when he told me who the guy was.”
“Are you sure? He was in the diner?” Clarke knows it was Eli. Her Eli. They’d frequented the diner. He was a sucker for steak subs and fries. Obviously some things haven’t change.
Her stomach is in knots when Abigail assures her of her certainty. “It was him. Girl, he’s smokin’. You were one lucky chick in high school. I envy you.”
The queasiness continues as she listens to her friend go on and on about Eli’s looks. She keeps calm as she responds to her friend. “I appreciate you telling me. I guess my hopes of him leaving after the funeral didn’t work out.”
“Are you okay? I’ve never seen you so upset about a person before.” She stops talking for a moment. “Wait a minute. Holy shit. Is he Tyler’s father? Is that what this is about? Does Tim know?”
Clarke moves into the bedroom and closes the door behind her before answering. “Abigail, calm down. Please. I can’t talk about that right now.”
“Lucy, you have some explainin’ to do,” her friend mocks.
“I will, just not today. Thanks for telling me.”
“Joe said he asked about you.” Now Clarke feels as if she’s going to puke. After all these years he’s never reached out to her. Not one email or message on social media. She keeps her account private to protect people from seeing pictures of her son, but a message would get through to her. There hasn’t been a phone call or written letter. No word for six years and now he’s asking about her. It makes no sense.
“I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
This reminds Clarke of how she felt in the beginning of her pregnancy. After she’d made her mind up to keep the baby, she feared he’d come along and give her an ultimatum. After some time things got easier. She let her guard down and eventually stopped worrying about him ever stepping foot in town. Clarke couldn’t have known his father would die of a heart attack in his early fifties, or that his death would bring home his long lost son. All she cared about was making sure he left and went back to where he came from before he could set eyes on Tyler. Maybe she was being selfish, but she didn’t think Eli had the right to come into Tyler’s life now. He’d done nothing for the boy. Just because his sperm help create the boy didn’t make him his father. If anyone deserved the title it was Tim.
Thinking about her fiancé calms her nerves. Tim won’t let anyone hurt her. She has to find comfort in knowing that. The only thing Clarke needs to do is steer clear of town and work until she knows Eli is gone for good. Only then will she be able to breathe easily again.