Chapter Ten
After the barbeque, I laid low. I crawled back into the shell I found safe. The one that kept me from guilt and situations that may bring it on. If it was only Rhett and me, things were a little easier.
I had been having these crazy dreams where he was still alive and happy. In those dreams, he was there with us, watching Rhett, loving him. I always woke up with a sense of loss all over again. On those days, I felt drained and empty. It was like losing him all over again.
Days I spent in the classroom were so hard. I had to paint on a happy face and pretend my life wasn’t black and sad. I began wondering if I shouldn’t take Reed up on the offer. I couldn’t go on like this. I had to move forward, for Rhett.
***
My day turned out to be an awful one. I had two kids throw up during class, and a third one on the playground. It appeared the stomach flu had struck, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If they weren’t throwing up, they were crying because their friend was. I had reached my vomit quota for the day. All I wanted to do was go get Rhett, and then get home for a hot shower.
I left school with one hell of a headache, plus a bitchy attitude I was trying to tame. What made the task real hard was when I pulled into my parents’ driveway and saw that damn black truck.
“No!” I whispered to myself. I slammed my Escape into park and jumped out, leaving the door standing open while I stared off toward the fields just south of the barn. My heart sank and my eyes filled with tears.
“Hey, baby girl, what’s wrong?” Momma asked as she walked up next to me.
“What’s he doing here, Momma? Why’s he holding my son?” My gaze met hers, waiting for her to tell me why Reed was holding Rhett along the fence line. I turned back to watch as he took Rhett’s little hand into his and gently stroked along Hurricane’s mane, my dad’s prizewinning horse. My chest tightened as the scene played out in front of me. Reed smiled down at Rhett, and he giggled when Hurricane let out an ‘hfph’ noise.
“Answer me, Momma.”
“He’s helping your daddy. The fence needed replacing, and Reed’s kinda become the handyman around town. He offered his hands, your daddy couldn’t handle it all on his own.”
“Of course he offered.” I wiped away the tears and cleared my throat. I turned to face Momma. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t allow men Rhett doesn’t know to carry him around.”
I never gave her a chance to answer. I walked off in their direction. Reed looked up as my feet crunched against the gravel, making my presence known. “Hey.”
“Can I have my son?” I held out my arms. Rhett came on his own, and I held him close. I swiveled around, walking back toward my car. I could hear his steps coming fast behind me.
“I was just showing him the horse. He looked like he was having some fun with it.” His deep, husky voice caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand and chills to run down my spine. I was fighting to control the tears that were so close to spilling over. “Kori, I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”
I placed Rhett in his car seat and slammed the door shut, bracing myself against the door. I took in a deep breath, and when I was sure I could control my heart from taking over my brain, I turned to face him.
“You’re here to help my daddy. You’re not here to take the place of my son’s father. I don’t need you to swoop in and save us. I’m doing fine on my own, and I don’t need you, or anyone else, for that matter.”
Once in my vehicle, I floored the gas, spinning loose gravel. The moment I hit the main road the tears fell heavy. Seeing him hold my son was too much. It hurt knowing Rhett may look at him as a substitute for Blake. I wasn’t ready for something like that, and I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
My heart ached fiercely with every breath I l took. My throat burned, and my stomach tightened.
***
“Did you hear that? Listen…” Blake whispered as we lay in bed side by side.
“Dah, Dah,” filtered in through the speaker of the baby monitor. “Dah…Dah.”
“He said Dada, did you hear him, Kori?”
Blake’s excitement was evident. I smiled and rolled toward him, placing my hand on his bare chest. “I heard him, baby.”
“I told you his first word would be daddy.” His cockiness was oozing in his words. He tickled me, and I attempted to roll away, only to have him follow me across the bed. His body pinning mine to the mattress. He held both of my hands above my head with one of his. Using his other hand he continued to torture me over and over, by tickling my sides.
“Okay, please stop. Blake, seriously, you’re gonna make me pee my pants.”
He chuckled and leaned over me to place his lips against mine softly. “I love you so much, Kori. You have no idea how special you are to me.”
“I think I have an idea. You’re pretty special, too.”
Lowering his body over mine, he braced his arms next to each side of my face, grazing over my jaw with his thumb, just before kissing me once more. “Marry me?”
Tears filled my eyes and spilled over. “Really?”
“Yeah, really. Soon, though. I’m ready for you to be my wife.”
I woke with a jolt and began looking around the room. My cheeks were moist from the freshly fallen tears. It felt so real, like he was there, holding me. I broke and sobbed to the point of exhaustion. It was all just a dream.
I was torn because the dreams of Blake were welcomed, yet extremely sad. They left me aching for him in such an intense way, it was almost crippling. His voice in my ear felt so real, and his touch, sometimes I could still feel it hours after one of my dreams.
Then the bad parts washed over me, and I would cry for hours after the visions faded. When the presence of him could no longer be felt, the anger hit and took over. I felt like sometimes the anger was out of control. Like I was going crazy with it. That thought was scary.
I had to find a way to deal with this. A way to handle the range of emotions coursing through me daily. It was then that I admitted I may not be able to do this on my own. I may in fact need someone to help guide me.