Past
I STUMBLED UP THE TWO flights of stairs to our apartment, the promised bottle of champagne clinking against the railing as I ascended. With zero sleep and the Fireball buzz finally dwindling, I dug into the depths of my messy bag for my keys.
I’d pulled an all-nighter partying with my “friends” from the bar I waitressed at. I used that term lightly because truth was, I wasn’t very good at the friendship gig. Unfortunately, I didn’t have many growing up because most parents didn’t want their kid hanging out with someone who lived like me. As I got a little older and wilder, the people I considered friends were simply people I had common interests with . . . like getting high, skipping school, and rebelling against the norm. People I could use to get me what I needed. That’s what friends were for, right?
The painful reality was that Eden was the only real friend I ever had. Before she allowed me to borrow Lennox, too. And even still, that stung. I often wondered if we weren’t related, if she didn’t feel obligated, would she even care if I was dead or alive?
It’s too early for this shit, Violet. Get over it. I shrugged my gloomy theory aside as I swung the door open and tripped into our living room. It was quiet, the blinds still drawn even though it was almost noon. I took in the sight of our space, loving that I could refer to it as that. Sure, Lennox’s parents footed the majority of our expenses, but we all contributed to making this a home. And this was so much more of a home than the one I spent the better part of my life in.
We had actual furniture that matched and was comfortable to sit on. No cigarette holes or beer stains marred the plush blue cushions of the trendy futon and cozy lounge chair. Our kitchen was modest, but clean and inviting. Not to mention, stocked at all times to keep Eden and me well fed and Lennox bursting at the biceps with the protein necessary to keep him at his fittest.
I loved this new home. I loved this new life. But something was missing. What? I couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but it was the reason I went astray. The way I did last night.
Someone like me was bred to misbehave. It didn’t matter how good I had it now. It didn’t matter how thankful I was for the love Eden and Lennox had shown me. Love I never knew existed because I was deficient of that love for so long. I wanted to believe I had the power to be better than my flaws. I did believe that for a while. For a while, I even abided by a certain set of morals to make them proud. But it did nothing for my own pride. It hurt more to pretend I was this good-natured, hard-working, honorable person. It was a struggle to breathe, like a fish flopping around out of its bowl, in fear of fucking up and breaking my act. And as the saying went, what goes up must come down, and I knew the meaning behind that phrase all too well.
Last night’s bender wasn’t the first. I did a good job of hiding the drinking from Eden and Lennox. I did an even better job of covering up the drug use. At first it was only a couple of joints I bummed off Trent, one of the bartenders. But old habits died hard, and soon the pot wasn’t enough; it didn’t make me as numb as I needed to be to keep up my farce for my sister and her golden boy. Trent introduced me to a guy they called Denver. I assumed he was nicknamed after his hometown, but I never cared to ask. The only thing I ever asked him was how much, when can you deliver, or where can I meet you?
Denver was becoming one of those reliable “friends” I tended to lean on in the past. He always had what I needed. Always gave me a good price. And never judged me for indulging in what made me feel good. He was also fun in the sack, which I learned was a trade off in times when money was tight. Did that make me a whore? I wasn’t exactly sure. But what I didn’t know for sure couldn’t hurt me, Eden, or Lennox. Ignorance was bliss, right? And what Denver supplied me with was pretty blissful, too.
Realizing that the lovebirds were still locked away in their bedroom, I took the time to myself to raid the fridge and jump in the shower to wash away the excess of last night’s fun. With a mouth full of cold pizza, I took note of the Gatorade-filled champagne glasses on the table next to the futon. Grabbing the real Champagne I bought at Eden’s request, I placed it beside the untouched glasses and raised a suspicious brow. They toasted but they never drank it. There were still asleep. That had to mean—thank God I stayed away last night. I was not a fan of playing third wheel, especially when my sister and her beloved were knocking boots all night long.
With the shower as hot as the complex’s water heater allowed, I washed it all away. The guilt for lying to the two people closest to me. The loneliness I felt when I witnessed them loving each other. The jealousy I harbored because I feared I would never be worthy of what they had. The dread of turning out to be just like my father.
I was so damn happy for them. This wasn’t a small feat—from what I understood about the whole draft process, Lennox had basically hit the lottery and was struck by lightning at the same time. I wanted more than anything to be part of this journey with them, but I knew my role as an extra in their movie wouldn’t last forever. I was expendable; our time as a threesome had an expiration date, because Lennox and Eden deserved a fresh start without any extra baggage.
With the water running clear of suds and my limbs weary from lack of sleep and the abuse I’d inflicted on them from too many substances to remember, I turned the shower knob and rested my head against the foggy tile.
What was I doing here? Would I ever find a purpose? What was my reason for living?
It wasn’t the first time in my twenty years that I thought about ending it all. It would be so peaceful not to hear myself think—the voices of disappointment mingled with regret and sadness. All my life I looked to someone else to provide me that reprieve. My father, Agnes, Eden, now Lennox. But maybe I was the only one I could count on. Maybe it was high time I took matters into my own hands and eliminated a problem Eden and Lennox didn’t need. Not at this stage in their lives, or ever, for that matter. I owed them that much at least for all they’d done for me. Getting me away from a hell I was content living in because I didn’t know any better. And what did that do anyway, now that I did know better. I was still a lost cause. Useless. Worthless. Pointless.
Tears wouldn’t even come—I was dry of those fuckers—but as various ways to put an end to my existence sloshed around my woozy brain, a rap at the door perked me back to life.
“Vi, you in there?”
It was Lennox. I should have been relieved. Another attempt cut short in the nick of time. He probably had to pee. How ironic that I’d been saved by something so mundane.
“Yeah, just a minute.” Considering we all shared one bathroom, now wasn’t the time to slit my wrists and cause a scene. The dude had to pee and I’d only be in the way. Satire at its best.
I stepped out of the tub, wrapped a towel around my wet body, and grabbed a robe from the hook behind the door for good measure. We did a stellar job of staying modest, even in such tight quarters. It often surprised me that I’d never caught a peek of Lennox’s goods, or that he hadn’t accidentally walked in on me changing. Maybe it was because he didn’t see me as something to covet. Something I should’ve been used to as the invisible one of the family.
But that day, in that moment, feeling so sorry for myself seconds prior to the knock that quite possibly saved me from taking my own life with a shaving razor or some other random bathroom doo-dad, I needed to be noticed. I craved it. I was starved for it. Ravenous and reckless with need. And the worst of it all was that I was totally cognizant of what I was about to do.
With one hand loosely securing the towel behind me, I creaked the door open to find Lennox holding his junk and dancing around. “I almost pissed in the kitchen sink, for Christ’s sake!”
He hurried past me, a second from whipping it out right then and there. Before he could close the door and do his business, I loosened my grip on the towel, feeling a waft of cold air on my exposed backside, and then sauntered off. When I looked over my shoulder to adjust my premeditated mistake, that attention I’d been longing for—that glimmer of awareness that proved I was still alive—was there. Clear as day in the glazed-over admiration in his eyes. I was no longer invisible to Lennox Dean.
Past
“SOMETHING’S UP WITH HER. SHE’S not right lately.” Violet had been acting distant in the past few weeks since Lennox got the draft call. We were all busy getting ready for what came next, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was ignoring something important.
There was nothing in particular I could put my finger on and I didn’t want to make false accusations so I mostly kept my doubts to myself. But this morning’s outburst was far too reminiscent of the Violet of the past. I was starting to worry.
“I’m going out. See ya later.”
I stopped mid-coffee sip, staring at Violet over the rim of my new Eagles mug. “It’s eight a.m. You just woke up. I’m making chili for game day.”
“Well, then, more for you.” It was a flippant response. Very Violet-like. Well, the old Violet.
“Vi, you love my chili.” I tried to guilting her, but she wasn’t having it.
“E, I’m going out.”
“Will you be back?”
“Eventually.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re not my mother, I’m going out, enjoy your chili, and I’ll see you when I see you.”
There was no further discussion, no explanation. She threw on a pair of shoes and walked out of the apartment in a whirlwind of avoidance.
“Well, goodbye to you, too.” I shook my head and finished my coffee, wondering what the hell I did to piss her off this time.
“Yeah, she’s been a bit snippy, but I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.” Lennox tried to ease my mind from where he was parked on the futon in front of his intriguing game of Madden. I rolled my eyes and busied myself with cooking yet another meal for only the two of us. I wasn’t crazy. I knew Violet best, and something was off.
“I think she’s using again,” I mumbled. My hand stilled from stirring the chili I spent all day coddling to culinary perfection, but my mind wouldn’t stop racing.
I felt him behind me then, no trace of footfalls or movement, which didn’t come easy for a man of his size. My scattered thoughts were making so much noise in my head, I probably wouldn’t have heard a T-Rex approach.
I spun to face him, and he leaned against the counter opposite the stove.
“This isn’t the first time you’ve said that. Why don’t you just ask her already?”
“What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, V, how about that weather? Oh, and by the way . . . Are you high?’”
“Um. Yeah. She’s your sister, our roommate. That sounds about right.” Lennox brushed off the severity of the situation with a laugh through his nose.
He didn’t get it. How could he? He had no clue how many times we’d been through this before. How many times I swore to myself that no matter how much I loved my sister, I wouldn’t endure this again. I was not an enabler. I had thick skin, one parting gift from my asshole of a father. I wouldn’t allow this under my roof, no matter how parental that sounded. Still, I could handle this with grace and delicacy. There was no need to go apeshit if there was nothing to go apeshit about.
Lennox inched closer, stroked my arms, and pulled me close. Nestling into the crook of my neck, he asked, “Want me to do it?” It always amazed me how such powerful hands had a soft, comforting touch. But what amazed me more was his selflessness. This situation was forced upon him, at my hands. She was my sister, my responsibility, my problem. I couldn’t make him my heavy. I wouldn’t lure him into the pit of fire Violet always left in her wake.
“No, I don’t, but thank you, baby.” I relaxed into his embrace, my eyes closing as I leaned my head against his shoulder and gladly accepted his feathering of kisses.
“We’ll get through this, Edie. We always do. She probably just got her period or something, right?”
I laughed in spite of the circumstances and his ignorance. “You can’t blame everything on hormones. God, I hope we never have girls. It’s a wonder you even get me at all.”
He pulled back, staring into my eyes, his face inches from mine, the way I loved it best.
“Oh, I get you, all right. I get every single piece of you. Mind, body, and beautiful soul. And as much as I adore your sister, I don’t know how in God’s name you were cut from the same cloth. As different as night and day, you two. Lucky for me, I picked the right one. The only one. Violet should take a page from your book if she ever wants to find herself a dude. I never know when you have your period—unless you’re denying me what I want most.” Strong hands grabbed a helping of my ass, and wild giggles escaped me.
Maybe he was on to something. I tilted back, Lennox’s lips still roving and teasing. “You think maybe that’s it? Maybe she’s just lonely?”
“Could be. You know how cranky I get when I go too long without getting laid.”
“Yeah, but you’re you. Girls tick differently. It’s not all about sex for us.”
“Well, it is for me and we have a lot of it, with Violet only a wall away from us. Maybe she’s just cranky she’s not getting some of this.” He waved his hand in front of his body, pointing out everything Violet was missing out on.
“Your career isn’t the only thing that’s exploding since you got that call. Please don’t tell me you’re going to turn into one of those cocky bastards who dances on the field and models in his underwear for the sponsors.”
“Quarterbacks don’t dance in the end zone, babe, but the underwear deal—I can’t promise you anything.”
Smacking his thick upper arm, I shook my head. “You’re insufferable, and we’re getting off topic.”
“Your topic sucks. I don’t want to talk about Violet. We have the place to ourselves. Let’s take advantage of it.” Lennox’s meandering fingers tickled my arms on their path to my face. When they reached their destination, he cupped my head in his hands and kissed me softly.
I licked my lips, savoring his tenderness even after he pulled away to give me that unmistakable smolder that told me he wanted to take this further. Under different circumstances, I’d be all for heading to the bedroom, but the visceral distress in my gut overpowered my mood. “I’m worried, Lennox, and you’re the only person I can talk to about this. The only person I trust. Things have been so good. She’s finally on the right track. I’d hate to see her fall into old habits because we were too busy in our own bubble to be there for her.”
Lennox let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes as he broke our embrace and leaned against the countertop. I could tell he was one step away from frustration, but he held it together. For me. In a reassuring yet firm tone, he pointed out the obvious. “What more can we do to be there for her, Edie? I would never complain, but you’ve sacrificed a lot by standing in as her mother figure. I don’t know many girls your age who would do something so selfless. Stop beating yourself up and start letting her deal with the consequences of her actions. She’s an adult. You can’t come to her rescue every time she fucks up. And we don’t even know if she’s fucking up right now.”
“I’m her sister. I know.” I hated voicing it, but he needed to hear me loud and clear. This wasn’t a silly hunch or some trivial suspicion. I knew in my soul that Violet was back to her old tricks and it was only a matter of time before she did what she did best—brought us all down with her. But I couldn’t confess those fears to Lennox. I couldn’t taint the pleasantness of their relationship because of the preexisting issues she and I had. And more so, I didn’t want Lennox to witness this side of Violet and learn for himself that she was oftentimes a disaster waiting to happen. I wanted to put an end to it before she had the opportunity to wreck what we had. Before we sealed our fate and invited her along with us when we moved to Philadelphia to start the next chapter of our lives. The question that loomed over me and prevented me from a restful sleep each night was, was I a terrible person for allowing this seed of doubt to even exist? I was all she had in this world. Well, Lennox and I were. Would she even survive without us? Was I supposed to worry about that for the rest of my life? What about me? When would my needs come first?
But could I really go through with abandoning her so Lennox and I were safe to have the future we set out for? I needed an answer, or a crystal ball. I needed someone to assure me that giving Violet chance after chance wasn’t one big mistake that would haunt me forever. I wanted more than anything to trust my gut, but unfortunately, my gut was not a big fan of my sister.