Present
IF WILLIAM WAS HOME, I would seriously wind up in jail tonight for homicide. Or was it patricide? Nah, that would mean I acknowledged that piece of shit was my father. Let’s stick with homicide. In cold blood. Premeditated, for that matter.
Snap out of it, Eden! Clearly, I was fucked up by the run-in with Denver and the crazy list of shit that had happened since I arrived back here this morning. One day! Not even twenty-four full hours and I was already so not right in the head I was imagining myself smiling in a prison cell after killing my father. Not good.
“Eden, we’re here.” Violet broke me of my imminent psychopathic thriller faze to announce we were back at the house.
I needed a minute before I stepped inside, and I needed assurance William wouldn’t be part of this already unforgettable day. “Please make sure he’s not here. If he is, I’m not going in till he isn’t.”
Violet shimmied out from under a passed out Lennox in the back seat and nodded. When she was gone, I took a moment to appraise Lennox through the rearview mirror.
My heart sank all over again. It physically hurt, so I clutched my chest to ease its painful suffering. How was this the same man I fell in love with once upon a time? The same man who would forever own a piece of my heart? What did that make me, seeing as he wasn’t exactly an upstanding member of society? Should I be worried that even though I was sickened by the man he became, there was still a glimmer of hope that he would go to rehab, clean himself up, and revert back to a man deserving of the love I still felt for him?
“Oh, Lennox.” His name fell from my lips as I stifled an agonizing moan. “What have you done?”
He didn’t hear me and no answer would have put my mind at ease, anyway. I laid my head against the steering wheel and let the emotions run their course while waiting for Violet to come back with the all clear.
“I’ll drink to that!” Violet raised her shot glass and gulped the coffee-flavored liquor down in one swig. She giggled giddily when she slammed the empty down on the table.
“There’s not much you won’t drink to, is there?” Lennox teased her, giving me a knowing look and then nudging her playfully with his elbow.
“This is true, but seriously, how can we not drink to this?”
“Hells, yeah!” Lennox roared, hooting and hollering at the top of his lungs.
Everyone was in agreement, high on the moment, euphoric on life, and deserving of a celebratory drink. I raised a glass to my lips and followed Violet’s lead.
“Damn, that’s strong!” I winced when it went down and coated my chest with a burning sensation. If felt good. This whole thing felt good. The three of us had a beautiful world for the taking before us and I couldn’t remember a time I was more content with how things were going and where they were headed. It was our first night in our new home in Philly, and Lennox would soon fulfill his lifelong dream. What more could a girl want? His happiness was my happiness, because that was simply the make-up of our relationship. And the icing was seeing Violet this way.
Violet seemed happy, too. Being away from William suited her. It made her forget all the things she used to blame herself for. At least, it did most of the time. Having Lennox and me to show her what love was all about definitely had something to do with that. Don’t get me wrong, I sensed a tinge of jealousy and it wasn’t always peaches and cream being that Violet had a lot of self-deprecating qualities she had to overcome. But . . . we were an unstoppable trio. I was as certain of that as I was that the sky was blue.
Too bad I hadn’t accounted for rain and dark, gray storm clouds. That’s the thing about optimism. Sometimes it clouded your judgment, like rose-colored glasses, and left you vulnerable for reality to blindside the shit out of you.
“Coast is clear.” Violet gave a thumbs up as she approached the car.
I got out and slammed my door shut, in hopes of waking Lennox. Seeing it was fruitless, I asked Violet, “What do we do with him?”
She shrugged, searching for further direction from me. Always the mother; seemed that would never change.
“Well, we don’t have all night,” I huffed in frustration. “It’s time to wake him up and read him the riot act. That shit back there was a wake-up call, at least for me. The only way Lennox is leaving this house tomorrow morning is on a one-way journey to Turning Point or in a goddamn body bag.”
“Eden!” Violet scolded me, reminding me again that this was nothing to poke fun at, and that Lennox was indeed a human being. I guess it was hard for me to separate the old from the new, seeing him as a random junkie rather than the man I used to live for.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” I lied. “Let’s get him inside.”
ONCE INSIDE THE FOUR DECREPIT walls of the house of horrors, I made do with the little I found in the cupboards and brewed an extra strong pot of coffee. We all needed it to sober up, in every sense of the word.
Lennox sat slouched in his chair at the table, his leg bouncing up and down.
“You all right?” I dared to ask, handing him a steaming mug of black coffee.
“What do you think?” He peered at me through bloodshot eyes.
“You don’t really want to know what I think, Lennox, because what I think will be the hardest pill you’ve ever swallowed.”
He scratched his head and clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Was he thirsty, fiending, or just plain bored? I couldn’t tell and I wouldn’t ask because it was clear he wasn’t of sound mind and body, and probably hadn’t been in years.
Violet reached over to coax him and caress his squirming hands, but thought better of it when she caught me eyeing the exchange. Giving Lennox a side glance that proved how desperate she was to comfort him, she placed her hands in her lap and let out a labored sigh.
It was clear she wasn’t planning to take control of the situation; it was why I was here, right? So I took a seat at a table I thought I’d never be sitting at again, and chose my words cautiously.
I’d seen those intervention shows. It didn’t matter how far gone the addict was, if they didn’t admit they needed help, they weren’t going for it. The first step to getting help is admitting there’s a problem. Could I get Lennox to at least fess up to his dilemma?
I thought about the past. How close we used to be. How fully consumed by each other we were. The memories made me bitter because he abandoned them and me. They made me sad because I missed them and how happy I once was. They also fed me hope and gave me a sense of power that if I played on those memories—on our time together—I might be able to break through.
“Violet,” I turned to my sister and took a chance at something that might turn everything upside down. “Can I please have some time alone with Lennox?”
Her wistfulness waned, replaced by suspicion. I wanted to scream that she had nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t put the moves on her man in her absence—not like she had—but I thought better of admitting that out loud because it might be in my best interest to let Lennox think that’s what I was doing.
Violet blinked, her cheeks reddening and her lips a straight line of irritation. We didn’t have all day and I was starting to get impatient, but I held my cool and mentally begged her to let me do what I was here to do. Trust me, Violet. I know that notion is something you know little about, but trust me for once, goddammit.
Thankfully, something clicked and Violet excused herself, a pack of cigarettes and a Bic lighter in her hands. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” I nodded and watched as she disappeared into cloud of smoke and skepticism.
When we were alone, I leaned closer to Lennox and sought his attention. After a moment of defiance, emerald orbs lacking the luster of life they once possessed met my tear engulfed gaze. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to stand my ground and show him I meant business, but my reserve was dwindling quickly under the weight of a lost connection that once meant everything to me.
I closed my eyes then, and willed myself to get with it. I wouldn’t get through this without channeling the anger that once broke me in two. Remembering how utterly destroyed I was to find Lennox and Violet had lied, betrayed and humiliated me, I blurted, “Lennox, you’re going for help whether you like it or not. I shouldn’t care what happens to you or Violet, and maybe deep down I really don’t, but she called and I’m here and I want to wash my hands clean of this. I want to move on. I want everyone to move on. And the only way any of us can live a normal life again is if you get the help you need and clean yourself up.” With more time and less intimidation, I could have prepared something much better than that, but as I didn’t have much to work with . . . I said what came naturally.
“Fuck, Edie! Fuck!” Lennox broke down right before my eyes. His once powerful body, now withering with misuse, vibrated as he sobbed. I’d never seen him cry when we were together. There was never a reason. We were happy. So fucking happy it was probably sickening to anyone around us. As a couple, we wanted for nothing—the love of the other was all we needed. But the accident changed him. I knew that. I wasn’t too naïve, even back then, to realize that one etch in time, one mistake on the field, one twist of fate meant a whole new world for us. I was prepared to adjust and assimilate. Anything for Lennox. My love. My soul mate. But he didn’t give me time. He took the easy way out and made decisions that wrecked us all on his own. Well, not on his own. He made those decisions with my sister, for Christ’s sake—the only other person who held residence in my heart. And now that they were both missing from it, it was empty. Watching Lennox cry made that hollow hole ache to be full again.
“Lennox,” I whispered, hoping he would hear me over his whimpers. “Lennox, please listen to me.”
He didn’t respond. His face remained guarded by his hands, the room filled with sniffles and moans that shattered what remained of my strength. I was one second from joining him and letting the tears break free when the light bulb went off and I knew what I had to do.
“Lennox, baby,” I altered my voice, conjuring a tone that once flowed off my tongue effortlessly.
He withdrew his hands and stared back at me, damaged and fragile, but attentive.
I reached out and touched his face, swiping away the tears that soaked his skin, imagining the salty taste they would leave on my lips if I dared to kiss them away. Longing for a time machine to whisk us back to the days when loved bloomed vibrantly, I sighed with what felt like my last breath. “Will you do it for me, baby? Will you get better for me?”
My question elicited a gut-wrenching sob from Lennox and he steeled himself by anchoring my hands with his. I didn’t know what or how it happened, but I wound up in his arms, enveloped in the familiarity of his body. We cried into each other and held on to each other. I wanted to die this way and be rid of the pain and sorrow. I wanted too much to wish for. It was futile to be so greedy because getting lost in my thoughts would not erase the reality we lived in.
Minutes passed and it became too much to bear, so I unclasped his grip from around my neck and searched his eyes for an answer.
The boy from the past ruptured through everything that had tainted the man of the present and his words fed me with everlasting hope. “I’d do anything for you, Edie. I’ve always loved you and I’ll never stop. Everything I do is for you. This, too. I’ll do it for you.”