Present
I BUM-RUSHED THE BED AND everything hit me in slow motion. When realization set in, my legs buckled, nearly bringing me to my knees with a blood curdling shriek. “No! Oh, Lennox, nooooo!”
How can this happen? This isn’t happening. I am dreaming. Another nightmare, that’s it.
I steadied myself on wobbly legs, closed my eyes, and silently counted to ten. But when I reopened them, I knew this was no nightmare. This was real.
Maybe I’m not too late. Maybe there’s still time.
Thinking fast, I pushed Violet to the side, yanked Lennox onto his back and laced my fingers together to start CPR compressions. I counted and pushed and tried to keep hope alive. Nothing changed beneath my working hands so I tilted his chin toward the ceiling, pinched his nose and parted his cold, pale lips. I didn’t think twice when I brought my lips to his and exhaled into his mouth, praying his lungs puffed up with oxygen and his heart started beating again.
Nothing.
I lowered my ear to his mouth, ignoring how icy his skin was, and listened for signs of resuscitation.
Nothing.
“Come on, Lennox! Come on!” I went back to compressions, pumping harder. Sweat beaded my brow from my efforts and my own heart walloped so loudly it was audible in the silent room. “Come on! Come back!” I begged, bargaining with God with each plea. I’ll take him back. I’ll forgive him. I’ll do anything, God, please!
But God couldn’t help me now.
Violet was inconsolable, muttering indistinguishable cries with trembling hands covering her face. I tried to infuse some sense back into her by calling out to her, “Violet! You need to call for help!”
She jerked her head from side to side, ignoring my demands. She was clearly in shock, dazed and shaken by what was going on.
So I pretended it was only the two of us—me and Lennox alone—and tried once more. “Lennox, come back. Come on, baby, come back.” Another cycle of vigorous compressions. Another long exhalation of my breath to revitalize him.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
“Oh, Lennox . . .” I sobbed, punching his unresponsive chest once more and then collapsing against it, depleted. I knew I was supposed to continue until someone more qualified stepped in, but my emotions got the best of me and I held him then, wrapping my arms around his stiffening body, remembering how this used to feel like the safest place in the world. I was sad and angry and just so . . .”Why did you do this? Why? We were so close! Why?”
A painful, lung-crippling, gut-squeezing wail escaped me and I let loose. Tears and moans accompanied the flood of memories that flashed before me.
A handsome boy kissing me for the first time on the football field.
Slow dancing at Homecoming.
Making love under the stars while we listened to his favorite country station.
Laughing as we packed boxes and prepared to start our lives together.
Watching him so full of life and ambition as he threw a pass for the Eagles.
A pregnancy test that turned up negative but gave me hope to try again.
There were no more agains. There never would be. It was all over now. He was gone.
“How could you do this to me? How could you leave me like this, Lennox? How . . . could . . . you?” My words broke off in hiccupped spurts. I couldn’t separate myself from him. I needed to hold him. I needed to feel him one last time, to make up for all the years I longed to be with him again but was too angry to admit it. “I never tried. I should have tried. I should have stayed. You’d still be with me, baby. You’d still be here. I could . . . have . . . saved you.”
An unexpected force pulled me to my feet, strong but small hands dragging me from Lennox’s side. “Get the fuck off him!”
I cowered at the sight of her. Angry, full of hate and ready to pounce. “Violet . . . I . . . I’m sorry.” It was all I could think to say.
“No, you’re not! You were supposed to save him! But instead—you . . . you left him, you left us when you knew damn well this could happen!” Violet raged, her explosion filling the room with heat and madness. The tip of her nose was inches from mine as she continued to berate me, to place blame, to expel her emotions in my face. “He needed you and you left! You weren’t here for him. I was. I dealt with this hell for the last three years all on my own and now you want to cry? Now you want to help?” She looked past me and pointed to his body. “Well, you’re too fucking late, Eden. You failed him! So don’t you dare touch him. Don’t even look at him, because he doesn’t belong to you anymore. He’s mine. He’ll always be mine.” Her eyes were wild and her red-rimmed nostrils flared as she shoved me closer to the door. “Go away, Eden! Go the fuck away. There’s no use for you anymore.” Her words were garbled and strained but they pierced my heart just the same.
But this wasn’t my fault. She was insane if she thought that. My fury suddenly overpowered my grief and it was time to spew my own pent-up venom her way. “No, Violet, this is your fault! You did this to him. You lured him into that hell you speak of like a vicious, selfish, snake.” I remembered finding them the first time; I envisioned it, relived it, felt the burn all over again. “I should’ve known better than to even let you around him. I tried, but I felt sorry for you. We both did. We fell for it and we paid the price.” Tears blurred my vision, but I could see Violet breaking apart before me, guilt burrowing into her open wounds.
I should have stopped. I was being cruel, but so was she. All along she’d been cruel—taking what didn’t belong to her and then turning it into this. “He was fine before you, Violet. He was damn near perfect. The two of us had a bright, promising future planned and you were just some strung out junkie looking for attention. Mine wasn’t enough so you had to seek his out, too. Well, you got it. You got him. You got it all and now look where he is. All because of you!” Violet dropped to the floor, the truth too brutal to bear. Good! I thought, as I watched her melt into a puddle at my feet. It was about time she understood. I was done feeding into her bullshit.
I hoped it would feel better to rid my body of the poison I’d been holding on to for so long, but as I looked around the room—at Violet weeping on the floor and Lennox still unresponsive—I’d never felt so defenseless in my entire life. There was no hope. What had become of us? What would become of me? Would I ever recover from this war between my heart and my mind, from the battle between right and wrong, from the loss of the ones I loved?
It wasn’t possible. There was nothing left. That empty pit of despair left me hollow, and before I let it suck me into the darkness along with my sister and Lennox, I picked up my phone and did the last thing I could to help.
“9–1-1. What’s your emergency?”
“My . . . Our . . . He’s unconscious. It might be too late, but—” I broke off, too scattered to verbalize the situation.
Miraculously, the operator walked me through the motions, making it possible to articulate the address and all necessary information. Once I completed my final obligation to Lennox, I let my emotions disable me, asphyxiated by the sheer weight of them. I leaned against the wall with my knees to my chest, and tried to rock myself into a lull.
Without a word, Violet crawled on all fours to Lennox’s side. She slumped over him, whispering, crying, begging.
Too angry to console her, I scanned the room. I should have left. She was right, there was nothing left for me here, but I’d be damned if the ambulance got here and rewarded her for her bravery. Fuck that! I’d stick around till the end. At this point, might as well.
Rubbing my eyes and combing my hair from my face, it was then that I saw it.
A piece of paper. An uncapped pen. A goodbye?
Hesitant to disrupt the quiet, I crept to the dresser, reached overhead and grabbed the paper.
Gripping the white sheet, ruled in blue and covered in black ink, I gasped after reading the first line of Lennox’s handwriting.
Dear Eden and Violet, I am so sorry I had to do this . . .
Realization slapped me across the face, stinging deep. “He fucking killed himself?”
“What did you say?” Violet shot up, peering over her shoulder but still standing vigil beside Lennox.
I wanted to ignore her and read the note in solitude, but it was addressed to the two of us. Seeing both our names written in his slanted, messy cursive brought the big picture into view. His final words were meant for two sets of eyes—mine and Violet’s.
“Eden! Read it!” Violet demanded, her face a contorted mess of blotchiness, tears, and agony.
Curiosity plagued me, but part of me didn’t want to read it. I didn’t want to give in. I didn’t want him to get the last word. Suicide? I was so fucking angry. So utterly hurt that he would stomp on my compassion this way and take the easy way out, without so much as a fucking real goodbye.
I folded the paper in half and squeezed my eyes shut. I wouldn’t read it. I stood and stalked to the bed. “Fuck you, Lennox! How about that, huh? I don’t even want to know what you had to say in your final pathetic minutes of life. You’re gone! Your pitiful words won’t change that.” I brought the paper up to eye level and set my mind to tearing it in two, but before I could shred it down the middle and then rip it into tiny illegible pieces, Violet was in my face pulling the letter from my hands. “Stop! Don’t do this. It’s all we have left of him!”
I stared at her then, my nose burning, my eyes clouded with tears. So many emotions my body didn’t even know how to react, but Violet’s plea pricked my heart in a way that washed away everything but the desperation to hear his final words. Sagging under the anguish, I buckled to the floor again. “Read it to me. Please, Violet. I can’t do it.”
Her anger from before had dissipated and her sad eyes implored me not to force such a difficult thing on her, but I imagined my eyes were more powerful in their demand because she unfolded the paper and looked to me for the strength to continue.
“Please?” I asked this time, not too proud to beg for a finality to this nightmare.
After visibly swallowing the last of her bitterness, she began reciting with a trembling voice.
Dear Eden and Violet,
I am so sorry I had to do this, but I saw no other way. I’m a selfish asshole for hurting you like this, Violet, but please know I made this decision with yours and Eden’s best interests in the forefront of my fucked up mind.
Guess I should start by saying how sorry I am for the pain I’ve caused the both of you. I hope God has mercy on my soul and absolves me of the demons I’ve lived with since the moment I first gave in to my addiction. I wish I had been stronger, that none of this happened, that I didn’t come between two sisters who cared so deeply for each other. I’m a monster for allowing that to happen and I can no longer live with that guilt. You’re together again now and even through the fog of my high I can tell you’re not done loving each other. You have each other; don’t take it for granted the way I did.
Violet looked up from reading to gauge my reaction. “I’m not sure I can continue.” She cried hard, a wail of suffering escaping her. Lennox’s words cut deep; they would scar me forever. Violet’s emotions clearly mirrored mine. This was torture, but I needed to hear more.
“Violet, please?”
“The next part is for you.” She blinked away the unrelenting tears and tried to pass the letter to me.
I threw my hands up and refused, knowing Lennox’s message would penetrate better if I heard it read aloud. “I need you to read it, V. I can’t.” I tilted my head and clutched my chest. My body had become weak from the onslaught of emotions. Reading this with my own eyes was pointless. The only image I could focus on now was Lennox’s lifeless body.
Finally giving in after an inhalation of shaky, labored breaths, Violet returned to the page and read:
Edie . . . Beautiful, loving, selfless Eden. There is so much to say, so much to make up for, but how do you beg for forgiveness, speak of regrets, and say goodbye all in a letter like this? It’s impossible to give you the goodbye you deserve just as I was never deserving of the kind of love you gave me. My fuckups are too many to list and too painful to recount, but please know that you were my everything—the sun, the moon, the stars—and there wasn’t a day that went by without me thinking of you and hoping one day you’d come back to me. And you did, but I was too fucking weak to accept that gift, too in love with the vice to allow my dark heart to make room for you again. Maybe I’m asking too much, but I want you to remember me the way I was when we were together: the athlete, the romantic, the hero. This version of me is not my true self, but a mask I wear to numb the pain of losing you. You deserve so much more than I could ever offer. You deserve the world, and I know you’ll find a way to grasp it and make it yours. I wish I could have been a better man for you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t. Please let go and never look back. You owe me nothing, not even your tears. Forgive me, my love, my one and only.
Violet paused and I could tell my portion of the letter was done. That meant those were the last words I’d ever hear from him ever again.
“Oh, my God,” I cried, as if physically struck with awareness. “Oh, my God, he’s gone!” It was a stupid reaction to have to a suicide note. His body was turning cold right beside me. It was obvious he was gone. But his words. Those final words—I wish I was a better man—they were too much to process. “Lennox!” I wailed, collapsing to the ground.
Violet stood at my side, wary but attentive in her own grieving. “I’m sorry, Eden. I’m so fucking sorry.” Her head fell to her hands, the letter still dangling from her fingertips.
Tears swam down my face and into my mouth. I choked on my sobs and my lungs fought for air. “I never got to tell him how I felt. I didn’t forgive him or tell him I’ll always love him. I’ll never get to tell him what he meant to me! I’ll never get to hold him again!” These thoughts consumed me. An empty future. I spent the last three years hating Lennox, but I spent the last few hours hoping I could find a way to save him and replace the broken man with the one who used to own my heart. Now none of that mattered. I would never get the chance to help him, forgive him, or love him again. “Oh, Lennox. How could you do this?”
I moaned, draining myself of strength, exhausting my body to the point of shutting down completely. My brain was ready to call it quits, ordering every nerve ending, every molecule to give up. And then I remembered his note wasn’t done. He surely had final words for Violet. She’d read mine for me. I would return the favor even if it killed me.
When the blurriness in my eyes receded some, I peered up at my sister. She was standing beside Lennox’s body crying, holding his hand and whispering things I couldn’t make out. I wasn’t the only one who lost him today. We were equally devastated, left behind with only the other’s support to get us through. “Can I have the letter, Violet?” I asked, breaking her of the spell she was under.
“I—I can’t do this!” She bowed her head, dropping Lennox’s hand. The letter fell from her grip and drifted to the floor like a weightless feather. I reached out and grabbed it before it hit the carpet.
“Let me read it for you,” I croaked, allowing my part of Lennox’s goodbye to reverberate and feed me the strength I needed to read Violet’s portion for her.
Violet, your love kept me alive and shed light on some of my darkest days. While you are probably thinking it wasn’t enough or that you were second best, please know the fault in that does not lie within you. You were my best friend, Vi. You understood me better than anyone. You gave me what I needed when no one else could. You are strong and vivacious and worth so much fucking more than you give yourself credit for. I hate that I couldn’t be the kind of man you needed or the kind of man who could protect you the way you were always saving me. I want you to learn from my mistakes and put yourself first for once. Now that I’m gone, there is nothing holding you back, no reason to stay. Get the fuck out of this hellhole and be the woman I know you are capable of, but don’t you dare do it for me. Do it for you, Violet! Do it because there is someone out there who deserves the kind of love your heart was born to give.
Thank you for having the courage to call your sister and rally for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t accept your willingness to help. I’m sorry I couldn’t overcome the guilt, the addiction, or the fear of living another day as a failure. I’m just so sorry I’m the man the two of you chose to give your hearts to. I wish I could have been better, I wish I could have changed, I wish for too many things that will never happen because I’m too weak to carry on this way. I’m done with this life and you should be done with me. Please don’t cry for me. Please don’t be sad. This is the way it had to be because your love for each other is worth so much more than any half-assed love I could ever give. I’m sorry my death will be yet another burden on your lives, but at least this will be the last time. At least now you can move on, away from here, for good.
I hate to say goodbye, but this is the only gift I’ll ever be able to give you. Each of you owns whatever is left of my heart, forever and always, Lennox.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react. Violet was a hysterical mess and I was stunned. Never in a million years did I imagine that one day I’d read Lennox Dean’s suicide note. I always held out hope that he would return to greatness in some way or another. When hope of that magnitude was ripped from you so uncontrollably, you couldn’t help but think there was no purpose to anything—to faith, to love, to life. I felt blindsided by this reality, so defeated I contemplated swallowing whatever it was Lennox used to put an end to his pain. In a moment of insanity and weakness so blinding, I ransacked the room to find something, anything to numb this awful feeling.
“Where is it? Show me how! Give me something! I can’t do this anymore, Violet. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Clothes flew through the air, knickknacks crashed against walls, dust and particles and remnants of the life Lennox and Violet lived together scattered across a death-filled room.
“You can’t go crazy on me, Eden. Please! Stop!” Violet sank to her knees, a witness to my breakdown. I hadn’t stopped to think about her pain because mine was too all-consuming. I couldn’t be selfless right now. Fuck that! I just couldn’t.
“I have to go!” I stood and raked my fingers through my messy hair. The walls were closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe. I was a crazed woman who needed to escape the horror enveloping me. “I have to leave, Violet. Let me the fuck out of here!”
“Leave? You’re going to leave? Now?” Violet rose from her knees, her features drooping with devastation.
“Yes. I’m leaving. I don’t want to deal with this! I don’t want any part of this, Violet. I need to go! You heard what he said.” I thumbed in the direction of the letter that had joined Lennox’s body on the bed. The two rest motionless, awaiting . . . something. Acceptance? Approval? What, I didn’t know.
“Yes, I did. But apparently, you didn’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
“He did this for us! Can’t you see that? He did this so we could be together again. There’s nothing left to fight over. There’s only the two of us now.”
I hadn’t interpreted his suicide that way—it was hard to glorify something so selfish—
but Violet’s understanding of Lennox’s final fuckup did breathe purpose into something so unclear.
“I can’t do this alone, Eden. I won’t get through this without you. I’ve lost him. I can’t lose you, too!” Her desperation gnawed at my resolve. I saw her again as a little girl seeking her big sister’s guidance, a neglected soul in need of nurturing. My walls had weakened at the realization that Lennox was gone, but they were crumbling at the thought of leaving Violet this way.
What Lennox did was easy. He didn’t think about anyone else and did what was best for himself. Leaving and never looking back would be so much easier than sticking around and helping Violet deal with this mess, the aftermath, and the haunting solitude. I’d been through it. Part of me wanted her to experience it, too, but I had to believe I was better than that. I had to believe I wasn’t dead inside. Our garden could still bloom with life if given the care and attention it required. I’d lived through too much sadness, too much loneliness for one person in one existence. I had the power to change that now. Was I strong enough to do it?
Anything is possible.
I summoned every ounce of grace I possessed and reached out for my sister. She wilted into my arms with a chilling sob, and my own howls echoed throughout the house. I held her close, cradling her head in my hands. Forgiveness was inching its way into my heart, warding off the grudges and resentments that weighed me down. “You don’t have to do this alone,” I vowed. “You have me, Violet. We’ll get through this together.”
After reading the note and crying until our faces were raw, we sat side by side against a wall, guarding Lennox’s body in silence until the blare of sirens grew closer and closer. Somehow, our fingers had laced together, our arms linking us close. I squeezed her hand in mine, needing to feel—to actually, physically feel something. Violet squeezed back, resting her head on my shoulder. “Thank you, Eden. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for everything.” Violet was teeming with gratitude even though I had failed her, but I accepted it appreciatively because I needed to know I’d at least tried to do something good. My heart grew immensely. Where it was broken from the loss of the man who once consumed it, I felt it could mend . . . over time.
Who knew how long that would take? Who knew if our efforts would be successful? Nothing was definite in that moment. Hell, nothing was definite in life. There were no guarantees. There was no assurance that the bond between Violet and me would flourish after it had been buried so deep beneath hurt and betrayal. There was no certainty that Violet wouldn’t fold under the pain of losing Lennox and return to old habits. There was no telling if William would continue seeking revenge on Violet for a crime she shouldn’t have been held accountable for, or if Denver would leave her alone and forgive Lennox’s debt. Nothing was written in stone, but a bud of hope blossomed now that we had found a way back to each other.