Present
FOR SAFETY PURPOSES, EDEN CONVINCED me to spend the night with her at the hotel. We left Lennox sleeping, as if leaving him period wasn’t practically intolerable for me. I envisioned how I’d have to get used to his absence, being as he agreed to rehab. For Eden. But that was neither here nor there. The struggle of the moment was that Lennox was leaving. Which left me . . . where?
“Penny for your thoughts?” Eden asked, looking over her shoulder from the driver’s side.
I tapped my throbbing temple with my pointer finger. “These are worth millions,” I joked, pushing said thoughts and my resurfaced jealousy toward my sister far, far away.
It didn’t matter, though. None of it did. My eavesdropping back home proved what I knew all along.
I was worthless. I never meant anything to him. I wasn’t Eden. What’s the point in going on?
Crushed and exhausted, I did my best to hide the voices in my head. We drove the rest of the way to Eden’s hotel in silence, my sister contemplative and me a bundle of harried nerves. If Eden only knew how badly I wanted to spread a line of white powder before me and sniff it till it broke every blood vessel in my nose and then laced each nerve ending in my body. Imagining the sensations of the high soothed the craving—barely—but nothing would ever be as good as the real thing. Fuck, how I long for the real thing right now.
But it was too bad, so sad, because I had a lot of things to iron out and get under control once the sun came up tomorrow. Lennox was leaving; Denver would come for his money; William would forever be an asshole; Eden still hated me. And where did all that leave me, other than alone and helpless? Again, I had to wonder what the fuck there was to live for.
We came to a stop, and Eden threw the car in park. “This is it. You ready?” I didn’t know why she asked that. Ready for what? Spending a night in a hotel room? Sleeping under the same roof as my sister? The beginning of the end? What’s it gonna be, E? Why am I here?
Suddenly overcome with resentment, I felt the need to lash out. “No, if you must know, I’m not ready. There’s nothing to be ready for, Eden. I have no purpose anymore. There’s nothing left. I don’t know why you even brought me here in the first place.” Like, really. Why? She saved Lennox. Did she need to go all superhero on me now? That wasn’t part of the deal. I didn’t need her.
Only . . . I did.
“I know this isn’t easy for you, and I really shouldn’t care, but . . . I do.” She stumbled on her words as if she detested admitting this, but I let her continue because I was a woman starved for love and I’d take any crumbs she threw my way. “I couldn’t leave you there with him like that. What if Denver came after him again? What if William returned and—” She paused, but I knew what she was about to say and couldn’t.
“You can say it, Eden. What if our father returned and what? Beat me? Kicked me? Killed me? Maybe that’s what I want. Maybe that’s why I let him do it! Maybe I pray while he’s hitting me that he’ll knock me so hard I’ll finally go unconscious forever! Ever think about that when you and your friend Joy are laughing over Frappuccinos or clicking your fancy working girl heels around your skyscraper office building?” I was directing my self-loathing at the wrong person yet again, but damn, did it feel good after all these years. Almost as good as getting high.
“You want to blame me? Go ahead, Violet. If it makes you feel better, blame me for making bad decisions and hurting the people who love you.”
“People? What people do you speak of, sister dear? Lennox, perhaps? The man I’ve risked my life for, committed crimes for, sold my fucking soul for? Lennox can’t possibly be one of those people, Eden, because he made it very clear tonight that you’ve always owned his heart. So let’s forget him for a moment. You said people as if there’s more than one; maybe you mean Dad? Dear old deadbeat Dad. Funny because nowhere in the history of love has it ever been told that neglect, disgust, or a crippling kick to the ribs equals love. Maybe I’m wrong, though. Maybe I’m mistaken. But look around, E, there is no one. How can I hurt the people who love me when there is not one fucking person who ever loved me in my entire sorry life?”
“I loved you, Violet! You’re forgetting about me! I loved you with everything I had, both you and Lennox equally.” Tears streamed down her reddened face, a prominent vein in her forehead bulging as her screaming escalated. “Before him it was only me and you, and you forget that I treated you like a precious little doll, carried you around like you were my own, protected and cared for you selflessly and wholeheartedly. I loved you so much I made you a part of every aspect of my life. Even when it wasn’t a good idea because you were too troubled, too caught up in your own head to see what I was doing for you. I gave you a way out when I didn’t have to. I left that hellhole to better myself, but I didn’t leave you behind. I took you with me and the thanks I got for years and years of loving you enough to compensate for everything you were lacking . . . You know the rest, Violet. There’s no need to rehash, but the point is . . . My love wasn’t enough for you. The love you so desperately craved all your life was right under your nose and it wasn’t enough so you threw it away.”
Heavy breaths crowded the car, along with enough tears to flood the interior and set us floating out of here. I didn’t know how to respond because I hadn’t ever thought of it that way. I was so focused on the negative—and let’s be honest, there was a lot of negative to focus on—and neglected to see Eden was the only person who ever loved me. And I took it for granted. It should have been enough and it should have helped me overcome my demons, but much like everything else in my life, I was fully responsible for fucking that up, too.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said, hoping she would understand the significance the tiny phrase held. “I’m so sorry for everything. I’d give anything to go back and do it differently.”
Her body stilled, drained of sobs, and she turned to look at me. Maybe I was crazy—we’d already established that—or maybe my subconscious was making me see things so I had something to hold on to, but there was something different about how she regarded me just then. Something was restored, something from the past; something I never thought I’d see again.
Eden closed her eyes and blinked away the droplets that clumped her long lashes together. A genuine smile decorated her lips for the first time since she arrived this morning. I savored the warmth that coated my bitter being and cherished having my sister here with me. “There is no going back, but maybe we can find a way to move forward. In time, of course. Just give me time.”
“HOW DID IT GET SO bad?”
Sharing the same queen-sized bed, our heads against stiff pillows, staring up at a popcorn ceiling, Eden fired three years’ worth of questions my way. I answered candidly for the most part, telling her what she most likely already knew, but this one left me clueless. How had it gotten so bad?
“I wish I could tell you, E. It just did.”
She turned on her side to face me, her hands tucked neatly under her cheek as though this was a slumber party for two giggly girls. “Did he ever hurt you?”
That was a loaded question. “Physically, no. But he hurt me in many other ways.” Too many to speak about.
“Why did you stay?”
“I had nowhere else to go.”
“You keep saying that.”
“And you keep asking that.” I sat up and leaned against the wooden headboard. “Where was I supposed to go?”
“You could have called me sooner.”
I eyed her then, holding back an ill-timed laugh. “Really? Because you would have answered? Do you remember how many times we tried? You ignored all our calls so we showed up at your doorstep and you ignored us then, too.”
“You were high, and I wasn’t ready!”
I remembered the wild state Lennox and I were in when we showed up in New York to find her. Just the clothes on our backs, reckless and desperate. We did it more for entertainment than absolution. It was too soon to expect anything constructive to come from it. We had nothing to apologize for because we’d become heartless and selfish, numb by the copious amounts of drugs Lennox kept buying and hoarding and buying and using. Looking back, that visit was an intentional slap in Eden’s face and I would have slammed the door on us the same way she did if I were in her shoes.
She’d suffered enough over our carelessness, and she needed to know that now. “E, it’s probably better that I never called you. At least you got to live a normal life away from it all. The last three years have felt like an unending prison sentence, punishment for what I did to you. I deserved to deal with it on my own and I’m sorry I dragged you into it now.”
“I’m not.” Her admission shocked me, literally made my body tighten with a flinch of surprise.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I’m glad he’s going for help. As much as I hated the both of you, I thought about you every day. I only ever wanted the best for him; you have to know that. I was there when he was planning for his future and was so excited. He loved the game more than he loved me.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I interrupted. She had to know that wasn’t true.
She sat up now, too, opposite me, her legs in a pretzel. “No? Why do you think I couldn’t help him right after the accident? He lost the love of his life on the field that day. Sure, he loved me too, but football was his passion—his reason for living. When his career ended, part of him died. A part I couldn’t revive, no matter how much I loved him and promised we’d get through it.” The color faded from her face and she bit her lip before continuing. “I even tried to get pregnant before everything happened. I stopped taking my birth control pills and convinced him to have sex with me while I was ovulating. I thought if I gave him a baby he’d have something else to live for. I clearly wasn’t enough to make him want to get out of bed and face each day.”
“I didn’t know. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” It wasn’t that I was upset she hadn’t shared her secret. I was hurt she hadn’t shared how helpless she felt. If anyone knew about feeling helpless, it was me. Maybe we could have helped each other a long time ago, avoided so much hurt.
She shrugged, waving her secret off as if it wasn’t a big deal. “It obviously never happened. Thank God.” I couldn’t tell if she was making light of it to mask her wistfulness or if she was sincerely grateful she hadn’t brought Lennox’s baby into this world—his fucked up world. Something told me it was a little of both.
My own wistfulness got the best of me and I pictured the alternative with a heavy heart. “Lennox would have made an amazing father.”
“He would have.” She touched her belly then, probably not even realizing it. “I pictured a team of boys running ragged in my house, throwing footballs and breaking things and tackling each other every chance they got. That’s the life I wanted. The life I lost when I said goodbye.”
“You didn’t choose to say goodbye, Eden, surely you knew that. We forced you. It was our fault your dreams didn’t come true, and I’ll hate myself forever for taking that away from you.”
Lying back down, this time her feet on the pillow next to me, she huffed. “Well, I’m not dead yet. There’s still a chance for all that. The outcome’ll just be a little different. A team of ballerinas perhaps?”
I laughed, despite how melancholy this whole what if game made me feel. “Will you let their Aunt Violet come play, or will I forever be off limits?” I was reaching. I knew it was too soon for talk of restitution or a future, but I needed to voice my hopes. She should know I wanted to make amends and make up for what an awful sister I’d been to her.
“I don’t know, V. There is so much to figure out. You have no idea what’s swimming around in this messed up head of mine. I’m not this perfect, organized, composed woman you’ve always imagined me to be. I have demons, too. My therapist could retire off my copay alone.”
I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I was. Eden came off as the type who could figure anything out on her own—including how to mend her broken heart. Guess looks could be deceiving. “You talk to someone?”
“Twice a week, ever since you and Lennox showed up at my door.”
“Wow, spewing all this to a stranger . . . that takes guts.”
“No, it takes vulnerability. What you’ve done all these years takes guts. You’re a strong woman, Violet. I don’t know how you survived and lived to tell about it.”
“This isn’t really living. It’s been hell. I’m convinced of that.” It was true. Death didn’t scare me. There had to be something better than this, even for someone with a scorned soul like myself.
“Maybe once he’s gone, you’ll see things differently. Maybe you could get help too.”
I thought about admitting myself to the same rehab he was going to, but that would be a catastrophe. The two of us could not remain sober if our biggest enabler was within reach. “I don’t know. This whole thing was pretty sobering. I might be okay.”
“Might’s not a guarantee. Don’t you want to know you’ll be okay?”
“I do.” I inhaled a deep breath and let that realization wash me anew.
“What’ll you do then? Once he’s gone?” It was another of those questions I hadn’t quite figured out yet.
“I don’t know, Eden. I’m honestly not sure. I guess I’ll take it one day at a time and see what happens when he comes out.”
“You’re not seriously planning to wait around for him, with William, and just . . . fall into the same pattern? That’s a recipe for disaster and you know it!”
She was right, but I was too tired, too worn out to think past five seconds from now. “Can we talk about this in the morning? My head isn’t on straight—not that it has been for a while. My priority is Lennox. Let’s get him taken care of first and then I’ll worry about me.”
Eden rose from the bed and turned off the bedside lamp. As she headed to the bathroom, she spoke over her shoulder, “It’s time you put you first, Violet. It’s long overdue. I know you haven’t been told this in a long time, but you deserve good things. You deserve to be happy. Things’ll be clearer in the morning, you’ll see. Good night.”
I hoped she was right. I could use a fresh new start. I cried myself to sleep, a mixture of happy tears and tears of sorrow. Happy because Eden had validated so many things for me tonight; she made me feel less of a monster and more the little girl she once loved and adored. Sorrow because I was still so lost. On paper, the plan seemed obvious. Send Lennox to rehab, get the hell outta Dodge, and move the fuck on. But in reality, letting go wasn’t that easy.