Present
I KNEW LENNOX WOULD BE at the bar—the birthplace of his demise, the landmark of our secret rendezvous where we came to meet up with Denver all those years ago. I hated this place for what it symbolized and for everything it represented over the course of my relationship with Lennox. Escape, overindulgence, trouble, hell. This building deserved to be soaked with gasoline down to its termite infested foundation and then set on fire to burn to ash and dust.
What I didn’t realize was that Lennox would be in this bad a state. Zonked out with his head resting on the bar and his hand wrapped loosely around an almost-empty glass of Jack.
Sure, the return of Eden had to affect him. Lennox never got over her. He reminded me daily that he was miserable without her. He hated himself for disappointing her, for breaking her heart, for ending up with me. He no longer medicated himself to numb the pain of his broken ankle or the loss of his football career. He was a junkie and a drunk because Eden was gone, and no matter how hard I tried to replace her, it was no use. I wasn’t Eden. I never would be. I resented my sister for that most days. I envied her on others. But mostly, I spent too much of my time hating her for something she had no control over.
I’d been fooling myself for far too long. Eden’s return only made one thing clearer; it was time to get Lennox help and move on. I had to find the strength. But how? I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. He was all I had in this world.
The last three years together weren’t all bad—there were times we laughed and actually enjoyed each other’s company. He had a loving side, albeit influenced by downers. Our sex life was off the charts, because of the uppers, of course. And in those rare and infrequent moments, I even believed him when he told me he loved me. But it was a forced connection. One-sided. I loved Lennox with everything I had, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. It was a relationship of convenience and habit. I knew it back then, I knew it all along, and I stayed anyway. Wasn’t that fucking pathetic?
“Yes, he is,” Eden spoke, as if answering a question.
I lowered my brows and narrowed my eyes. “What is?”
“You just said he’s fucking pathetic.” She thumbed in Lennox’s direction, taking in the sight of him slumped over the bar, his limp legs dangling from a stool that was barely upright.
I didn’t realize I muttered it out loud, but I guess I had. “We should get him home.” I started to leave Eden’s side to make my way to Lennox.
She stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. “Wait. I’m not going back there. Not to William’s. You can do whatever you want once I’m out of here, but for now we do this my way.”
I was grateful she was taking control in this totally out of control situation. It was why I called her in the first place. But we still didn’t have a solid plan. “Okay,” I agreed. “But where are we taking him? He won’t go willingly. We have to think this through.”
Eden’s features hardened, her jaw ticking under ageless, beautiful skin. Even angry, Eden was gorgeous. Her complexion was still flawless and fair, without so much as a single mark of time or worry. I was a few years younger, but my skin tone lacked luster and life due to years of abuse. We were incomparable. I was the wild weed to her blooming rose. As if I didn’t have enough to envy her for, that the last three years had been kind to her physically was another reason to be jealous.
“What’s to think about, Violet? We have to admit him somewhere. Rehab, a hospital, a fucking homeless shelter.”
I blanched at her flippancy, surprised she wasn’t as invested in Lennox’s recovery as I imagined she would be. “We can’t just leave him for dead, Eden! He’s still a human being.”
“To you, maybe. To me, he’s just a memory.”
I didn’t believe her. Her eyes told a different story. The fact she was here told a fantastical fairytale. “You’re full of shit. You still love him and believe me, I know he still loves you. Maybe if we give him a little hope . . . make him think you’re back for him? Maybe that’ll give him a jump start to get better.” I finally felt I was on to something.
“Not a chance in hell. I’m not playing around with his head like that. After all, he’s still a human being.” She mimicked my words and added air quotes, then glared at me trying to remain poised but cracking under the pressure. She might not have noticed, but I noticed her line of sight kept darting to Lennox at the bar. Each time she caught a glimpse of him, she blinked her lids tightly and emitted a quiet sigh.
I looked over my shoulder to take note of how out of it Lennox was. As an expert in Just how drunk is Lennox? I realized we had some time to spare to make up our minds. “Come on. Let’s sit down over there.” I pointed to a vacant table in the corner. It was midday so there wasn’t a crowd. I personally knew the staff, being a regular and all, so we’d have some privacy to get down to business. I hated thinking of it that way, but it was the only way Eden could look at it with a positive attitude. We were good. By the grace of God, she wasn’t trying to maul my eyes out of my head or run me over with her car. I wasn’t about to ruffle her feathers and risk her walking out and going back home before we figured out what to do with Lennox.
Scanning the dive with her nose turned up, she finally gave in, “Fine. Lead the way.”
“I’VE TRIED, EDEN. AS YOU can see, I’m sober right now. I have been for a while, but Lennox is a different story. He doesn’t know how to be a recreational user.”
Eden laughed, rolling her eyes. “Keep making those kinds of excuses so you can feel better. There is no such thing as a recreational user! When you use the kinds of drugs you use, you’re considered a junkie. You just happen to have your habit under control a little better than he does. You don’t deserve an award for that, Violet.”
Contrary to what she believed, I did deserve recognition. I wasn’t about to weave a sob story about the last few years though, because she didn’t need to hear it. I was embarrassed by the lows and mortified by the rock bottoms. I did terrible things to help Lennox feed his addiction. I endured terrible things to help Lennox feed his addiction. It was a terrible thing to help Lennox feed his addiction. There was no glory in this lifestyle, but I was here, in this moment, trying to do better. I wanted her to give me credit for that. “You don’t know half of what I’ve been through. You can’t even fathom the shit I’ve dealt with and the demons I live with. So please don’t make light of any of this, Eden. Give me that much, at least. I’m not a saint and I won’t ever pretend to be as good as . . . you . . . but I’m here now, and it shouldn’t be too late to start over.”
My eyes welled up with tears. I wanted something from behind the bar. Something strong. Something that would make me stop suffering from the shameful scrutiny of Eden’s stare. But what would that prove? That she was right. Yet again. I had to do this dry. Even the solace of a relaxing joint would negate my point.
Dismissing my attempt to gain sympathy, she folded her hands on the table in front of her, puffed out her cheeks and let out a long breath. “Okay. So. Our options. I think rehab is the best solution. Can’t we just drag him in the rent-a-car and drop him off? Don’t they accept walk-ins?”
“It doesn’t work that way. We need his consent. That’s why you’re here. We have to talk to him. Convince him. I can’t do this alone.”
She visibly bit her tongue, probably holding back another repetitive remark about how I did this to myself. Inside, I silently thanked her for that. After a long sip of her diet soda and another loud huff, she slapped her hands against the table and stood up. “Then I guess it’s time we wake him up. No time like the present.”
Her business as usual attitude came as a surprise. This couldn’t be easy. Lennox was her first love—her only love—the man she was supposed to marry and have babies with. Yet here she was, nearing her late twenties, with none of those former dreams turned into reality.
I mentally admonished myself. Her dreams hadn’t come true because of me. I suddenly felt the urge to make up for lost time. From what I understood, Eden had no intention of sticking around once Lennox was off our hands. If we convinced him to go to rehab today, this may very well be the last time I saw my sister. I refused to cling to the hope that we could have a relationship after this—I wasn’t totally dense. But I did want to make the best of the little time we had together.
Looking up at her as she stared at Lennox, who was still in the same coma as when we arrived twenty minutes ago, I placed a hand on hers and pleaded, “Not yet. A few more minutes. Please?” Call it procrastination or cowardice, but I needed more time.
Eden’s glare shot to where our hands met and then back to my eyes. I smiled then, hoping to demonstrate amity. Her lips remained in a straight line, almost disapproving, but her eyes softened around the edges, letting me know the shell of self-protective armor she’d created was finally starting to diminish. There is hope.
When she sat, I cut right to it. I didn’t want to beat around the bush and waste any of her time because who knew when she’d decide she hated me again. “It’s pretty clear I’ve gotten nowhere in the last three years, but I’d really like to hear all about you.”
Eden’s eyes popped wide and then her brows narrowed into one sharp V. “Seriously? You want to shoot the shit like this is some happy family reunion?”
I could make something up or pretend for her sake, but yeah. That was basically what I wanted. “Yes. Can’t we be normal for five minutes? Wouldn’t it be great to pretend?” I feigned giddiness and squirmed in my seat.
Eden shook her head and closed her eyes, clearly unamused by my act. But when she complied, I almost spit out my Sprite, soaking her haughty smirk. “Fine. What do you want to know?”
Taken aback, I quickly got over it and spewed out a bunch of questions in a round of rapid fire. “What’s New York like? How’s your job? Are you in a serious relationship? Have you met anyone famous?”
“Slow down there, nosy. You basically want me to sum up the last three years in a shithole like this over two glasses of soda pop? Impossible.”
“Then stay. Afterwards. Stay awhile so we can catch up.” There was that hope again, tugging at me like a petulant child.
“Violet.” That was all she said. It was all she needed to say to bring me back to reality. I was in La La Land if I thought she’d agree to anything of the sort.
“I’m sorry. I just thought—” I looked down at my hands, unable to finish the sentence. What I thought didn’t matter. After what I did, it never would.
“New York is amazing. I absolutely love the fast pace and the incessant noise that surrounds you at all times. It truly is the city that never sleeps. Probably why I don’t get much, either. The job is demanding, but exactly what I always wanted to do. My best friend, Joy, and I work hand in hand most of the time and share a lot of the same clients. We recently signed this really talented young actor who’s set to star alongside Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds in a holiday flick due out next year. He’s adorable. I can’t wait to see his success. I’ve worked with some top-notch people. Singers, novelists . . . athletes. Everyone’s different. Some are so stuck up you want to pull the stick out of their asses and remind them we all put our pants on one leg at a time, and others are so down to earth you forget they’re in the spotlight. But my job takes up most of my time. A lot of hobnobbing and behind the scenes work goes into it, so I haven’t found anyone special. I’m actually pretty happy on my own. I don’t have many regrets.” The conversation would head south if I let her continue, but it was so good to hear her share her personal life that I wished she would carry on for hours.
I nodded and smiled from ear to ear, eager to hear more. I was so proud of her. So happy she found a way to move on and get out of the hell I was living in. I was envious, as I always was when it came to Eden, but I was too happy for her to be bitter. “That’s incredible, Eden. I’m truly happy for you.”
“Thanks,” she said, quietly. No elaboration, no sign that she cared to return the question and inquire how I’d spent the last few years.
Just when I was about to ask her a few more questions, a loud crash sounded and drew our attention to the bar . . . where Lennox had fallen off his stool and woke up cursing a blue streak.
“Fuck,” I mumbled, not ready to deal with this, although I’d done it so many times it shouldn’t have concerned me.
Eden straightened in her chair. Her demeanor shifted from superior to vulnerable right before my eyes. “Guess the party’s over.”
That was an understatement if I ever heard one.