Chapter Seventeen
Trystan
As soon as I heard Alex’s voice on the other end of the phone, I burst out, “I’m in trouble here, Alex. I’m in serious trouble—way out of my element and comfort zone. I need help. I need help really bad.” When the last word tumbled out, I took a deep, gasping breath. My lungs felt like they were starving for oxygen. My heart seemed too big for my chest. My palms were sweaty and I was pretty sure that regardless of the painfully cold temperature, I probably had disgusting sweat stains starting to decorate the armpits of my shirt. I looked and felt a mess.
Serious trouble, that’s where I was firmly sitting at the moment. A night of tossing and turning had not helped one damned bit so this morning, as soon as I’d dropped Dakota at the aquarium, I’d dug out my cell and dialed Alex. I usually stayed and watched Dakota’s practices but this morning, I made an excuse and cut a beeline straight for the nearest escape. I needed help.
I heard what sounded like Alex falling out of the bed and then a string of curse words, followed by a laugh from Lincoln. A dog yelped and a cat yowled. The phone hit the floor, more fumbling, and then finally, “Where are you, Trystan? I’ll be there. Shit, what’s happened? Are you hurt?”
I could hear the panic in his voice and immediately felt like shit. He thought I was hurt and possibly dying and I was actually just starting to live for the first time in my life.
“Oh…no, I’m not hurt. I just need to talk. Can you and Lincoln meet me at the diner? Like, right away.”
More cursing from Alex. More laughing from Lincoln. Then, in the background, I hear Alex mumble, “Will you get these fucking cuffs off me? Trystan has a serious situation and I can’t hold the fucking phone to my ear without dropping it or knocking myself in the forehead.”
Holy shit, it was six am and those two were already cuffing it? See, that was what I wanted for my future and I damned well wanted it with Dakota. The only problem was that I might have to keep him cuffed permanently if I wanted him by my side for the rest of my life.
“Mr. Matherly?” Lincoln’s voice poured into the phone, making me want to sit up straighter, or get on my fucking knees, which was so not me.
“Yes, Lincoln,” I answered. “Will you please uncuff him for just about an hour? I need some advice. As soon as I get this off my chest, you can cuff him, hang him upside down, or fuck him with a wine bottle—I don’t care. I just need to borrow him for a few minutes.”
“I most certainly would not fuck him with a wine bottle, Mr. Matherly,” Lincoln scoffed. “Nevertheless, we will be at the diner in fifteen minutes. See you there.”
It was strange that he called me Mr. Matherly, but he always had and it looked like he always would. I was glad Lincoln was coming with Alex, I needed all the help I could get. I felt like I had it all right in the palm of my hand but that it was slipping through my fingertips with each passing second.
Alex was looking at me strangely, like I’d grown two heads and he just didn’t know how to tell me that I looked like a freak straight off American Horror Story. “What?” I asked, not sure how he couldn’t understand what I had just told him.
“Let me get this straight,” he began. “You called me and interrupted something I was enjoying very much because you think you might be starting to develop feelings for the swim boy you’ve stalked for three months now? At six in the morning? While I was cuffed.”
Shit, I guess I had described it as ‘developing feelings’. That wasn’t exactly right.
“Yes, I’m developing feelings and I don’t know what the fuck to do, Alex. I mean, all of a sudden, the world is a better place. Birds are singing chirpy songs. The air smells clean and fresh. The snow is whiter. The ice on the roads has a pretty prism color as the sun reflects off of it. I have a dog. I have a kitten. I like them both. Hell, Alex, those chirpy birds are probably flying a tiny circle over my head, singing pretty songs of happiness.” I reached over and grabbed the front of his shirt. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
He blinked at me and then said, “Words are coming out of your mouth, but it isn’t the Trystan language I’m accustomed to hearing. I’m not sure I understand these words…coming from you. I may need a translator of some sort.”
I was tempted to punch him in the face, but I was pretty sure Lincoln would feel obligated to step in and defend his honor. Dragging in a deep breath, I tried for Trystan language. “I think about him around the clock. I picture him naked all the time. I dream of doing all sorts of dirty, dirty, dirty things to his body. I want to fuck him until I can’t fuck anymore and then I want to fuck him again.” I took another deep breath and said, “I want to fuck him for the rest of my life…and fuck nobody else.”
“Holy fuck,” he gasped and a huge smile spread across his face. “My little boy is in love!” He grinned at me, beaming like a fucked up motherfucker and said, “My little boy is growing up!”
He had the biggest damn smirk on his face, like he was happy for me and laughing at me at the same time. Of course, Alex was all smiles these days anyway. He was now firmly lodged in the love-at-first-sight column and thought since he found it, everybody else should—sooner than later. Maybe I should punch him?
“I can’t believe I’m in love with him, Alex. We’ve only started talking to each other in the past four weeks. I hardly think that is enough ammunition to cause a love explosion in my heart. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a serious case of the lusts.” That sounded much better, much more down my alley. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but this morning I woke up terrified that I was in love. I was fine with it last night, even welcomed the idea that settling down might be in the near future. The terror swamping my heart came from various reasons, some which made perfect sense and some that made zero sense. First of all, I was a player—a fuck ’em and leave ’em kind of guy. Was it possible that I made that big of a turnaround in such a short period of time? Secondly, was I worthy of Dakota’s love? Doubt it. Most importantly, how did he feel about me? There were so many secrets surrounding him. He kept everything other than awesome sex tucked away behind lock and key.
“Well, you’ve been stalking him for much longer than that,” Alex corrected with a sly grin. “And I’m the perfect example of love at first sight—it does happen. You saw me with Lincoln, Trystan. You listened to my bullshit and helped me work through the maze. Believe in it, it’s possible.”
Here we went again. “Listen, I know you told me about how it was different with Lincoln—how you just knew he was the one the minute you laid eyes on him. You told me all that and I nodded, and smiled, and grunted in all the right places because I’m your friend, but I’m going to have to be honest with you Alex, I thought you were full of shit. I didn’t believe in love at first sight then and I don’t believe in it now.” I laughed harshly because I knew I was lying straight through my teeth when I said the words. Alex did fall in love with Lincoln right away and I had damned well fallen in love with Dakota…the same way.
Alex shrugged his shoulders. “Okay, if that’s the way you want to play this, let’s play it your way. So you’ve got a bad case of the ‘lusts’ after this guy. I don’t blame you. He’s got a nice tight ass, all bubble without the bounce. At the swim meet the other night, I couldn’t help but notice he’s nothing but pure lean muscles. They’re a perfect contradiction to that bulky shit you carry around on you. I bet it’s got to feel hot to manhandle all that perfection, fucking him until you get tired of fucking perfection, and then moving the fuck on. If you’re interested, maybe me and Linc could join you guys one night and we could all….”
“Shut the fuck up, Alex!” I hissed, nearly coming across the table after him. Lincoln had just stepped away from the table to take a call so he wasn’t here to save his ass. I could do some serious damage before the man could make it back across the diner. The first thing to go would be those pretty white teeth in that filthy fucking mouth. How dare he say that shit about Dakota? I would fucking….
“Well, shit. You’re playing me, aren’t you?” I asked.
“No, I’m playing with you ’cause you’re so damned easy, man. You should have seen your face come unglued when I said that shit. You’re so in love with him but you’re too big of a pussy to admit it. That sucks, Trystan. If I was able to announce to the entire college football world that I enjoyed getting my ass pounded by my boyfriend, you should be able to admit you’ve fallen in love with a really sweet guy that looks at you like you hung the moon. I’ve always admired your strength and ability to not give a fuck what anybody else says—you walk your own path. What’s the big deal if your path is suddenly white picket fences, a hot guy to have sex with every night, and a dog and cat.” His eyes crinkled with laughter. “What’s up with that, Trys? I thought you hated dogs and cats? I’m pretty sure you’ve made fun of my pet weakness ever since we’ve met.” He batted his eyelashes. “By any chance did swim-boy want a furry pet?”
Frowning at him, I asked, “Why do you have to act this way, Alex? You’re supposed to be the nice one between the two of us.” I saw Lincoln making his way toward our booth, tucking his cell phone in his suit pocket as he walked. “You aren’t being very nice right now.”
“I’m being nice, Trystan. I’m happy for you, I’m struggling with trying to understand why you aren’t happy for you.” He told me. When he saw Lincoln out of the corner of his eye, his entire face lit up. It was ridiculous. The fucker hadn’t been away from our table for more than three minutes. I bet mine did the same damned thing when I looked at Dakota.
Standing over us, Lincoln looked down, unmasked love in his eyes when he met Alex’s gaze and an unearned appreciation when he looked at me. Hell, the way he looked at me, now or when-the-hell-ever, always unnerved me. He wasn’t much older than us, only a few years, but there was a maturity in his eyes that made me realize how young and inexperienced I truly was when it came to life and love. He was giving me that look right now and I fought the urge to not squirm in my seat. No, he didn’t make me want to kneel like he did Alex, but I did want to squirm.
Finally, he said, “I hear congratulations are in order, Mr. Matherly.” Even his voice sounded erotically mature and commanding. It didn’t take much of an imagination to hear him ordering Alex around in the bedroom and, of course, Alex tripping over his feet to obey that sexy voice.
“Huh?” I asked. He’d already congratulated me on the Heisman win, even when I damn well knew he didn’t have a clue what the Heisman was or what I did to earn it. “For what?”
He sent me an indulgent smile. “Alexander tells me you’ve made a kitten go from hissing to purring in record time. Very well done,” he said. “If you decide you want to begin your training again, just let me know.”
“I enjoy what Dakota and I do without any training.” Understatement of the year. “The rules—not for me. I think I’ll leave that to you and Alex.”
“Yes, if you aren’t one hundred percent committed, it’s probably for the best. Just remember the door is always open if you feel differently down the road.” He eased his big frame back down onto the bench seat next to Alex and while there was plenty of room on the worn leather, he squeezed in right up against my best friend, laying claim in front of anyone who might be watching.
“Okay, sure.” I was so not sharing Dakota with anybody—as in, I didn’t even want them looking at him. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
His eyes pinned me to the booth before he added, “Be careful with Dakota, Mr. Matherly. There’s more to him than meets the eye. Watch yourself and watch him.”
My mood darkened in an instant. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t trust him? What the hell, Lincoln? You don’t even know him.”
“Neither do you,” Lincoln shot back.
Alex, of course, sided with his lover. “Just hear him out, Trystan. Lincoln’s good at reading people.” He grinned. “Hell, he knew I was gay before I did.”
Ignoring Alex, I glared at Lincoln and countered, “I know him a damned lot better than you do. I think I would know if there was something dangerous about him!”
Fuck, I knew he lied or had secrets, at the least. I saw the darkness in him. I knew his actions or emotions didn’t always make sense with the situation.
I also knew I was in love with him so Lincoln needed to back his shit down.
“I’m not saying he’s dangerous, Mr. Matherly. I’m telling you to be careful with him. Something is…off.”
His fingers stroked Alex’s wrist as he talked. “I understand he is yours, so I know how much you want to take care of him—protect him. Sometimes, as the more dominant partner, we have to protect our lovers even when they either don’t know they need protecting or don’t want to accept our protection.”
My anger evaporated in a split second.
“I do. I want to keep him safe and take away all his doubts and fears.” I told him, at the same time wondering who was going to take away all my doubts and fears.
“I know,” he answered softly. “He’s naturally submissive, that much is obvious to anyone.”
“I didn’t see that,” Alex broke in. “How the hell do you know when someone is naturally submissive? And what is this shit about the more dominant partner? I’m not naturally submissive,” he shot at Lincoln and when Lincoln arched his brow with an arrogance that made me chuckle, he added, “Am I?”
“Yes!” We both answered at the same time.
“Am not,” he grumbled and with a huff, he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at us.
“How about I prove just how wrong you’re when we get home?” Lincoln whispered to Alex.
I couldn’t see what Lincoln was doing with his hand under the table, but whatever it was, it was making Mr. I’m-Not-Submissive literally melt in the most beautifully submissive way. Alex’s face was suddenly flush and his eyes had darkened at least a shade. His arms were no longer crossing his chest in frustration. I swear to all that was holy, he was about to come while sitting in a booth in the school’s coffee shop. I was pretty sure you could get expelled for that shit.
“How about you keep proving it now?” Alex countered. He may have been trying to sound like he was in complete control, but he failed miserably. He sounded…breathless.
And just like that Lincoln’s hands were back on the right side of the table, resting innocently under his chin, his attention back on me. If I didn’t feel so damned sorry for Alex’s predicament, I would laugh out loud. Poor guy had to be in agony.
“Wh-why did you stop?” Alex managed to stutter out.
“Because I’m having a conversation with Mr. Matherly. That, QB, was merely a friendly reminder of who is in control…and who is being controlled.”
“That’s not nice,” he hissed.
“No, that was me being nice. Me not being nice is what we’re going to do when we get home.” He grinned at Alex’s discomfort. “Now put both of your hands flat on the table, being careful with your injured arm, and do not squirm in your seat. I’ll be finished when I’m finished. While I talk with Mr. Matherly you can sit there and contemplate what I’m going to do to you and, by all means, keep reminding yourself that you’re not submissive.”
Eyes back on me, he said, “My concern stems from the sudden changes in his behavior without significant reasons to make such decisions. For instance, he went from not speaking to you at all to barely speaking and pretty much only when you forced him to—that much makes some sense. You were flirting and wearing him down. Then he goes from barely talking to you straight into moving in with you. Then we have barely talking, moving in, and then allowing you to fuck his brains out and put a vibrator in his ass out in public after spending only one night with you.”
His words made my cold sense of dread amp up even more. He was saying everything I already had spinning around in my head in an endless search of a logical excuse for Dakota’s one-eighty.
“Yes, you saved his life, still not reason to move in with someone when you didn’t really want to speak to them hours earlier. Yes, I’m sure you look fabulous in a jockstrap and are notorious for getting both men and women to shed their clothing for you with one come-hither look, but I doubt any of those people disliked you but changed their mind when they saw your dick for the first time. Yes, you’re supposedly an absolute wonder in the bedroom, a bit rough in a regular romp and very rough if the lover allows it, but this boy took you from a total ‘hands-off’ position to vibrating butt plug in a public setting in a matter of hours.”
Right in the middle of Lincoln’s explanation, Alex must have moved one of his hands because Lincoln paused for a moment and casually reached over and wrapped his hand around Alex’s left wrist and then pinned his frustrated lover with a threatening, yet playful glare. After a second, he gave Alex a slight negative shake of his head and then returned his attention to me.
“He runs cold and then hot, Mr. Matherly. There is generally a reason for such behavior and it is imperative you find out what his trigger mechanism is. When I said he could be dangerous, what I really meant was his actions appear somewhat dangerous. It could be an ugly childhood or a violent encounter in his past but whatever it is, he is still living it, even if he is trying to keep it a secret or pretend like it never happened. Both of those scenarios can lead to negative, unhealthy behavior. I’m no expert, Mr. Matherly, but my motto has always been that if you don’t have all of someone, you don’t really have any of them.” He glanced lovingly at Alex. “Yes, you have to give people time, you can’t expect them to reveal every secret or significant fact from their past, but you also can’t accept them lying to you—especially when playing games of the heart.”
Well, Lincoln pretty much summed up nearly every one of my concerns and he’d only been around Dakota on two occasions, with one of them being at his swim meet when he could only spend a few seconds with us. No, they weren’t concerns, they were fears. I was afraid. I would never admit it to anyone though. I wouldn’t, however, hesitate to ask for advice. “What do I do then, Lincoln? How am I supposed to handle him? You’re right, there’s definitely something going on with him. There’s more things than you mentioned…many more things that don’t add up, and to be perfectly honest, it’s got me fucked up in the head.”
Yeah, fucked up in the head sounded so much more badass than ‘I’m afraid.’
Again, Lincoln’s eyes met with Alex’s gaze. They’d had a tough start together because of Alex’s lies, but there was a pretty big difference between Alex and Dakota. Alex admitted to Lincoln what he was hiding and why. Dakota won’t tell me a damned thing other than how he liked to be fucked.
“If you love them, Mr. Matherly, you give them the time they need to work through their issues, offering your support and showing them your love.” He smiled sadly. “That’s what you should do, but I’ll have to be the first to admit that it’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. Some of us become afraid and try to protect our own hearts first and when that happens, we’re putting the ones we love in second place. They never deserve to be there, Mr. Matherly. Alexander deserved better from me, but I was too weak to give it to him.” His eyes pinned me. “Don’t make the same mistake I did. I gambled with the most important person in my life and if Alexander hadn’t been as strong as he is, we would have both lost because of my weakness. I know it’s scary to give your heart to someone when you don’t know what they’re going to do with it—toss it away or cherish it. I know you’re afraid, just like I was, and I know this has to be a foreign feeling for you. Don’t gamble—the risk isn’t worth the loss.”
Dakota
It was nearly time for swim practice to be over and I couldn’t fucking wait. There was something not quite right and I couldn’t put my finger on it. While Trystan was in one of the empty chairs on the sidelines of the pool area as he usually was, there was something different about how he looked. The expression on his face was one I hadn’t noticed on him before so I guessed that was what had gotten me feeling so off balance. That had to be it. It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he’d ditched me really fast this morning instead of hanging around and watching my early morning practice for a few minutes like he usually did. And if it didn’t have anything to do with that, then it surely wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he wasn’t waiting outside my last class like usual. Today was the first day I’d walked to the aquatic center alone since Trystan torpedoed into my life. What started out as something very annoying since I didn’t want to have anything to do with him in the beginning had morphed into one of the things I looked forward to most out of each day.
And today he hadn’t been there.
As Coach wrapped up our end-of-practice pep talk, I tried to give myself my own internal pep talk. There was nothing for me to be concerned about. Trystan’s interest in me hadn’t waned already. It was not like he was sitting over there planning a way to hurt me…no, to utterly destroy me. He wasn’t Evan. He wasn’t going to betray me. I was more than half way in love with him, he wouldn’t do this to me.
Fuck, it wasn’t working. I felt the beginnings of a panic attack start to creep in. My breath hitched and the giant aquatic center suddenly felt small and dark. It sounded like my Coach was far, far away as he finished up his speech and everybody else broke away to call it a night. The shortness of breath got worse when I noticed Trystan was playing with his phone instead of watching me, and I did the only thing I knew to do that could help me escape what was barreling straight toward me.
I took the three steps necessary to take me to the edge of the pool and then another step to allow me to plunge back into the lukewarm safety. Without a thought or care of how it might look or what the others might think of me, I allowed my body to drift straight down to the bottom of the pool and then I sat Indian-style on the concrete. My eyes closed and I could already sense the darkness that had been threatening me seconds ago start to melt away as the water protected me. There was no struggle to drag in a breath since I was under water, and for some unexplained reason, that helped soothe me. The sounds dyed away and it was just the water and me. Instead of worrying about what was troubling Trystan or what I imagined was troubling Trystan, I focused on slowing my heart rate and holding my breath.
It was my escape, always had been and I supposed it always would be. That night, when I’d needed it most, there hadn’t been any water for me to run to. Hell, I hadn’t been able to run anywhere, much less to my wet sanctuary. So many bad memories, so many threats that suddenly seemed familiar. I’ve heard your own mind can be your biggest fan…or your biggest adversary. I think it was pretty damned obvious which category my fucked up mind belonged in.
My peace was shocked when I heard the sound of someone else jumping into the pool and before I could even open my eyes, I felt a hand wrap around the back of my neck, clamp down, and then jerk upward. For an instant, I forgot where I was and started to struggle, determined to fight off possible danger before I was in a position where I was unable to fight. Thank the fuck reality crashed in before I did something stupid and embarrassing. I did, however, shove the hand away from my neck, and kick to the top of the water by myself. I broke the surface with a giant gasp of air and swiveled my head to see my Coach standing at the edge of the pool, arms crossed over his chest and big-ass frown on his face. In another second, Trystan’s head bobbed right in front of me, drenched with water and an even bigger big-ass frown on his face.
“What the fuck was that, Dakota?” He practically roared in my ear.
I looked around the pool and, of course, the entire swim team lined up along the edges staring at me. Some looked horrified and some were biting back laughs. Some just looked at me as if I was the biggest idiot to decorate Alabama Temple since it had been founded in the early 1900s.
Well, at least the panic attack was gone.
Trystan still treaded water in front of me, not offering to touch me in any way, just staring like he was actually seeing me for the first time…seeing how messed up I was. I panicked again and this time it was for a very different reason. I couldn’t lose him. He’d already started to mean more to me than I’d ever thought was possible. I knew our time together was limited but I couldn’t lose him now.
“I was meditating,” I answered quietly, spitting out the first lie that popped into my head. “Being underwater helps clear my head. I had a tough practice, really sucked it up, and I wanted to try to get some positive vibes back. I’m sorry.”
As I looked into his eyes while I was lying to him, I wasn’t seeing anger or disgust. It looked more like confusion. He didn’t know how to deal with me.
“Are you sure you’re okay,” he asked. “You scared the shit out of me, Guppy. The look on your face before you stepped back into the water was really…scary.” He wrapped an arm around me and tugged me close. “Don’t scare me like that, babe.”
“Okay,” I answered. “Let’s go home. I want to do something fun tonight.” Desperation caused the stupid remark to fly from my mouth. I was good at sex. Was I good enough to make that look on his face disappear? Doubtful.
He smiled but his eyes didn’t sparkle. “Fun? Am I not usually fun? What have you got in mind?” His voice sounded different—flat and weary.
Thank goodness everybody figured the show was over and started disappearing toward the locker room. My Coach stood there watching us, a worried look on his face. He didn’t budge from his spot until I gave him a slight nod, indicating it was okay. He still shook his head from side to side, as he retreated. He clearly thought I was a ticking time bomb and I knew he had to be hoping I would explode anywhere besides in his aquatic center. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make any promises. I suspected I was going to blow but I had no idea when or where…or how many people I would eventually take down with me. I missed my medication. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped? Had my mother been right?
“Maybe something that involves ropes, one or more of your many toys, and lots of lube. What do you think? Interested?” Sex—yeah, it was my ‘go-to’ weapon. It was what always worked for me. I’d used it for protection, a smoke-screen, and a way to escape. Before Trystan, I never really enjoyed sex, but I’d learned to fake it if I wanted to make it. I just needed some time to think. I needed to get my nerves calmed down and assure myself Trystan wasn’t the enemy.
This would be the first time I’d ever used sex against Trystan. The first time I’d ever had to fake it. Why was I doing this? Why couldn’t I just be normal?
“When have I not been interested?” He asked me. His grin widened but still didn’t seem to touch his eyes. No, I was imagining that. Everything was fine.
Maybe I should start taking my pills again? I was confused. Angry. Sad. Bitter. Paranoid. No, I could do this. I didn’t want the pills again, regardless of the fears threatening to take over. They made me tired. They made me swim slower. They made me…be not me.
Trystan
“You’re beautiful, Dakota,” I told him and it was nothing but pure honesty. He was the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on. With his arms stretched over his head and held there by ropes attached to a hook in the ceiling, I was blessed with the opportunity to admire him from every angle. The way I’d tied him accented his beauty and perfection. Arms were straight upward and held immobile and each leg spread wide, secured by ropes attached to his ankles and opposite ends of the bedposts. He was standing near the foot of my bed with enough room for me to walk all around him.
His legs were long and muscular, absent of any hair, and a pale color that made him appear angelic. Stretched the way he was, his ass was displayed beautifully, all perky and tight and begging for attention. His waist was trim and a deep sexy V developed right below his protruding hipbones. He had the pinkest nipples I’d ever seen on a man and since I’d been nibbling on them for the past ten minutes, they were even pinker than normal and swollen from my attention.
His body was perfect. As always.
There was something off about his face, though. His eyes weren’t sending the message they usually did when we were playing. Oh, I was getting a come-hither look and his mouth was nastier than it had ever been, but something was nagging at me. Maybe it was my own fears and insecurities. Maybe I was still reeling from my discussion with Alex and Lincoln earlier. Maybe his stint at swim practice still had me on edge. Maybe I was sick and fucking tired of him lying to me with every damned word that came from his beautiful fucking mouth.
My eyes leveled with his. Yeah, there was a damned good chance it was because I knew he’d lied to me at swim practice. He wasn’t meditating under water. He’d looked utterly devastated right before he had simply disappeared into the water and then just sat on the bottom of the pool like he had a death wish or something. While I hadn’t spoken the words, the accusation tasted bitter in my mouth.
His green eyes were dark, just like they always were when he was aroused, but there was something else swirling in the mist. Something…fake.
“Are you going to compliment me all night or fuck me?” He asked in a husky voice that I’d never heard him use before.
“Oh…sorry, I was meditating,” I snipped before I could stop myself. Then in an effort to gain control of my thundering heart and wayward mind, I grabbed a blindfold, wrapped it around his eyes, and tied it tightly. I didn’t want to see the lies there. It was killing me. This was killing me.
He tensed but then leaned back against me as much as the ropes would allow. “Kinky, Trystan. I like not knowing what’s coming at me next.” He licked his lips and then nibbled at the bottom one. “Give it to me rough. That’s what I need tonight.”
Coldness washed over me. “I need a drink,” I muttered and then left the room before he could say anything to try to stop me. I nearly tripped over Cowboy and Binx since they were both right outside the door, pouting because we’d locked them out. I righted myself and hurried to the living room bar where I kept the liquor. I didn’t drink often—never felt the need for it. I tended to have fun without the special aid of alcohol to wash away my inhibitions.
I wasn’t having fun.
I loved Dakota. I was madly in love with him.
He wasn’t in love with me. Either that or he simply didn’t love me enough.
It was a tough pill to swallow, one I’d never tasted before. Wasn’t this ironic? The first time I actually had feelings for someone I had to go and make it be the whole true love, white fences, grow old together kind of shit people fantasize about. I had to want all of that with someone who didn’t want me back. I supposed I should hang this on the Karma’s bitch post and accept my just punishment, but every second that passed made my heart ache even more.
I tossed back my second shot of Tequila and poured me a third. I couldn’t go back in there and fuck him rough. I wanted to make love to him. I wanted to make him love me. I wanted to look into his eyes and not see lies drowning in the beauty.
The ping of the elevator alerted me that we had unexpected company. I glanced down to check that I was decent in my slouchy sweatpants and noticed that my cock had wilted away at some point—probably while I was still in the room with Dakota. I swallowed the third shot of Tequila and waited for the door to open so I could see what Alex wanted. He was the only other person besides Dakota with my pass code.
The doors slid open and Alex stood there, peeking around the door to make sure he wasn’t intruding on anything. Yeah, not going to happen tonight, buddy. His arrival was more of a rescue than an intrusion.
“Alex! What brings you to my neck of the woods? Slumming it while your boyfriend has a business meeting?” I bellowed right before swallowing the shot of Tequila.
“Are you guys decent?” He yelled back, still not stepping off the elevator, just standing there holding the button to keep the doors open.
“As decent as possible, man. Come on in! I’m having some Tequila. Want some?” Shit, I already felt half-lit. Being emotional must make the alcohol flow through your system faster. Fuck, the next thing I knew I would be wondering if my period was affecting my drinking or if I should get my nails painted pink or purple. Being in love was totally emasculating me. I poured another shot.
Alex stepped off the elevator, laughing at me. “Uh…no? Remember the last time I had too much Tequila? I’m pretty sure Lincoln described it as me being the meat in a man sandwich at the Unicorn gay bar.” He’d gotten close enough to be within arm’s reach, so he punched me in the gut. “I still owe you a punch for that shit, man. The Unicorn? Seriously? That’s where you sent me in my time of confusion and need?”
Thank the fuck he was kidding with me—the punch to the gut hurt bad enough. I would hate to have felt it if he’d been seriously pissed. “Awww, it all worked out just fine and dandy, didn’t it, QB?” I teased, pouring yet another shot.
That one never made it to my mouth.
Alex caught my wrist with his good hand and pushed it back toward the bar. “Leave it, Trystan. You’ve had enough,” he warned.
How in the hell would he know when I’d had enough? He just walked through the door. He was in love with a man that loved him back. He didn’t have a clue what I was going through as I looked rejection square in the eye.
“How the fuck would you know? Are you my mommy now?” I was angry at Dakota but fighting with Alex appeared to be a great way to deal with my raging fury.
He ignored my question and looked around the room. “Where’s Dakota?”
I shrugged, at least I attempted a shrug. The jury was still out on whether my body movements were actually doing what I wanted them to do. Fast Tequila shots when angry—not my friend. “Strung up in the bedroom, waiting on me to grow some balls and get back in there.”
Oops, I didn’t mean to let that one slip. Damned Tequila.
Alex’s frown turned to fury. “You have him tied up in your bedroom and you’re out here? Getting fucking drunk, Trystan? Did you listen to one word Lincoln said today? What in the hell is wrong with you? You don’t ever leave a sub unattended like that. You’re acting like an asshole right now.”
His voice was getting louder and I was sure the sound was traveling down the hallway and making its way into the bedroom. I doubted Dakota could hear what we were saying but he had to know somebody was here. Shame for how I was treating him was trying to fight its way through the Tequila fog…but it wasn’t making it.
“Don’t care,” I slurred. “Why are you here? I’m pretty sure you weren’t invited.” When his look grew even more thunderous, I added, “Want to try a threesome, Alexander? I’m sure Dakota’s up for it, he’s always up for anything. He wants it rough tonight.”
I never saw him blink. I never saw him move. I never knew anything was amiss until I felt his fist connect with my jaw. Alex didn’t lose his temper. Alex didn’t punch people.
Fuck, if Alex punched me, I had it coming. What in the hell was wrong with me?
“I want you to get me the key to Dakota’s Jeep. It might not have been a written invitation, but you asked me to come over and get Dakota’s keys, pick his Jeep up, and bring it over here when I had a chance. You were worried about him driving it after what happened. Apparently you weren’t worried about me driving it but to be quite honest with you right now, Trystan, I don’t think I’d ever want to be on the receiving end of your affection if what I’m seeing right now is any indication of how you treat those you love.”
He’d closed the distance between us and stood a mere inch away from my face. I could feel the anger radiating off his body.
“After you do that, I’m going to go down to the garage and I’m going to wait on you to get your sorry ass in that bedroom, untie Dakota, apologize for being such a colossal asshole, kiss him and beg for his forgiveness, and then stagger your sorry ass down to the garage to meet me. You’re not staying here tonight and risk losing the first good thing that has happened to your love life. Right now you make me sick and it disgusts me to be around you, but I still love you and since I love you, I’m not going to let you make the biggest mistake of your life.”
The asshole in me wanted me to tell him to mind his own fucking business. The man in love with Dakota said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Alex. He’s slipping away and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it.”
“No, you’re pushing him away, Trystan. You’re in love with him and you’re afraid of losing him. I get that—been there, done that. There is a solution and we will find it but not right now, not in the shape you’re in. Go back to your room…tell the man you love him and make it right again. Apologize. Beg. Grovel. Do whatever the fuck you have to do to make him realize you fucked up—not him.” He reached up and ran a finger down my cheek. “I’ll be downstairs waiting.”
The harsh reality of what I’d done, of how I’d treated Dakota, came crashing down on me. “What if I can’t fix it, Alex?” Was this how it was always going to be between the two of us? Would I forever be making one fucking mistake after another?
“Don’t be such a pussy, Trystan. You made this mess, so you can fix it.” His eyes narrowed and he gave me his first smile of the night. “I’m pretty sure those were the words you used on me when I fucked up with Lincoln.”
He turned and walked toward the elevator and when he noticed Dakota’s Jeep keys lying on a table, he snatched them up and slipped them into his pocket. “Thirty minutes, Trystan. Make them count. It’s going to be humiliating if I have to come back up here after you.”
A few seconds later, the elevator doors slid closed and my feet started moving toward my bedroom. I’d been a fool. No, I’d been a coward. A cowardly asshole. I’d left him blindfolded and tied up in my bedroom. Cowardly asshole probably didn’t adequately cover the description of me.
Cowboy met me half way down the hall, whining and grabbing at my sweats with his giant jaws. What the hell? The big guy usually didn’thing but lounge around the penthouse, drooling a puddle wherever he was, and in most cases, tried to hide from Binx. He was still terrified of the tiny kitten. He was terrified of the cleaning crew. He was terrified of the sound the heater made when it turned on. Hell, he was terrified of every damned thing. Right now, he was terrified of something different entirely.
My feet started moving faster and when I rounded the corner of the doorframe, what I saw first confused and then caused my heart to explode in fear. Dakota was right where I’d left him, of course, but he was struggling wildly. Even from where I stood, I could see where the ropes dug into his pale flesh, leaving whelps and open wounds in some places. His mouth was gaping open and his chest was heaving but there weren’t any sounds of breathing…just a horrifying gasping noise.
“Dakota!” I screamed as I raced across the room and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him against me so he wouldn’t have to support his own weight against the ropes. “babe, what’s wrong? I’m here, I’ve got you,” I told him as I struggled with the ropes entangled around his wrists. Small drops of blood slicked my fingers, making the task even more difficult. His entire body kept jerking but he still wasn’t getting any oxygen into his lungs. What happened? He’d been choking to death while I’d decided to have a few fingers of fucking Tequila—that’s what happened!
“Breathe for me, baby. I’m here. I’m sorry.” I kept chanting the words repeatedly as my fingers worked desperately with the knots. When I released his wrists, his hands immediately went for the blindfold and ripped it off. His gasping improved somewhat when he looked around the room. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for…what he was afraid he was going to see, but I didn’t have time to contemplate yet another mystery surrounding him. I had to get him free from the ropes and then get some fucking oxygen in his lungs. Since he was standing on his own, clutching at his chest, I dropped to my knees and made quick work of the ropes holding his legs spread apart and immobile. I was begging him to forgive me, begging him to be all right, as I worked. I wasn’t even sure what all I was saying, making promises, begging, demanding….
When he was finally free, he staggered away from me and bent over, his hands resting on his knees, sucking in air in giant gulps but keeping an eye on me at the same time. I took a step and reached for him but he held up his hand in a silent demand that I not come any closer.
I stood frozen, knowing there was nothing I could say, no excuse that I could make, to undo what I’d done. The Tequila soured in my stomach and I hated myself. I wanted to go to him. Hold him. Kiss him and make him forget what a fuck-up I was but the look in his eyes kept my feet firmly planted to the floor. He looked at me and when he did, I saw fear. It wasn’t just the fact that I’d done something terribly wrong by leaving him bound and alone without any idea as to why I was abandoning him. He was afraid of me.
Cowboy stood next to him, whining and licking his hands. His big tongue swiped at the angry red welts the ropes had made when he’d struggled against them.
He was afraid of me.
“I’m sorry, Dakota. I don’t know what came over me. How much I love you scares me to death! I’ve never been in love before. Please, please don’t look at me like that,” I pleaded. It wasn’t exactly the way I’d imagined I would declare my love to him but the words just left my mouth on their own accord. I’d wanted to fly him somewhere nice in my parent’s private jet. I’d envisioned treating him to all the luxuries the Matherly name brought with it. I’d planned on worshipping his body with my mouth and then whispering the endearment. Time would stand still. He would look at me through his beautiful green eyes and I would know then—I would know for sure he loved me back. Then he would tell me he loved me, I would finally hear the words I longed to hear. I knew that just hearing them would make my insecurities vanish.
That had been the plan. As usual, I’d fucked it up.
Instead of luxury and worshipping, he was standing in my bedroom in a pool of ropes, his body bruised and bleeding in some spots, and his eyes daring me to take one-step closer. The beautiful green eyes were the same but there was no love there.
I reached for him and he reared back and snarled, “Don’t you fucking touch me!” A sob caught in his throat and I noticed his hand trembled as he reached for Cowboy and clutched a handful of hair and pulled the dog closer to him. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
The last words spoken softly, like the whisper in my fantasies, but the words were all wrong. Everything was all wrong.
I stood there as he gathered his clothing in strange, mechanical motions. He shoved his legs into his jeans, stepped into his boots, and then slid his sweater over his head. All the while, he watched me as if he was waiting for me to pounce on him.
I never moved.
I couldn’t have moved if my very life depended on it.
I saw him looking around for his backpack and carryall. He was leaving me. Just like that, he was leaving me. I’d known it was coming. I’d known I couldn’t hold onto something so pure and beautiful. The weak person this thing called love had turned me into wanted to drop onto the floor and cry a river. I considered doing it. Who would care? Who would see it? Dakota was leaving me.
The Matherly in me wouldn’t allow it. A small voice in the back of my mind was screaming that love didn’t make me weak—insecurities made me weak. Dakota might deserve a better person than me but I damned well knew there wasn’t another person alive that could love him more than I did. Something inside me snapped when I actually paused long enough to stop worrying about myself and how badly this was going to hurt me and took a second to think about what I’d seen in his face earlier. Dakota was afraid of me, the terror in his eyes was something he couldn’t have attempted to hide if his very life depended on it. I’d never given Dakota a reason to be afraid of me—not even a hint of violence directed toward him or anyone else for that matter. That meant that something…or someone… put that fear in him. He might be directing it toward me now, but someone else had done this to him. Someone had hurt him badly, physically and emotionally.
Every one of my worries or concerns about myself vanished in an instant. Someone actually hurt him….
“Where are you going, Dakota?” I asked softly.
His eyes blazed a trail of wrath in my direction. “Who’s out there, Trystan? Who all did you invite over?”
His words were so confusing that I told myself I had to have heard him incorrectly. Why would he think I’d invited people over? More importantly, what the fuck did it matter whether I understood where he was coming from or not? He might not carry the same emotion for me as I did for him, but that didn’t matter either. What mattered was that he believed I’d invited people over and that fact troubled him—no, frightened him.
“That was Alex a few minutes ago. I’d asked him to come by and pick up your Jeep keys. I wanted him to bring it over when he got a chance so you wouldn’t have to worry about leaving it on campus. I wasn’t sure when he would show up. He’s gone now. It’s just us.”
His eyes were still making a sweep of the room, always pausing at the doorway for a few extra seconds, and then continuing to look around. He expected something bad to happen. I needed to assure him it wasn’t. “Will you sit down and talk to me, Dakota? I should have never left you alone like that, I knew better and there isn’t anything I can say that will justify that stupid, careless act. All I can say is I’m sorry, babe. I would never hurt you, Dakota. You know that, right?”
My heart cried out to touch him, but I remained several feet away. It was clear that was exactly what he wanted.
“No, I don’t fucking know that, Trystan,” he spat. “How would I know? I don’t even know you.” He laughed harshly. “I guess I’m supposed to believe you saw me from across campus and fell madly in love. Is that the story you’re still going with? I would have thought you could have been more original. I’m barely mediocre in the looks department. Maybe it would have been more believable if you’d faked an interest in swimming.” Sarcasm dripped off every word.
What had done this to him? No, who had done this to him?
“Actually, it was from across the cafeteria,” I answered. “I thought I’d told you already. You were the most beautiful man I’d ever laid eyes on. I wanted you right then and there and when I swaggered over in your direction, all full of myself, you never even gave me the time of day—not as much as a second glance.” I tried for a laugh. “It damned near destroyed my ego.”
“Shut up, Trystan. Don’t fuck with me right now,” he warned. “Just get the fuck away from me while I get my shit together. I’ll be out of your way in ten minutes at the most.” He nodded his head toward the bedroom door. “Just leave me alone while I do it.”
Leaving him alone was the last thing I wanted to do and the last thing I thought he needed, but I was afraid he’d taken that decision away from me. I would have to settle for the next best thing. “Your Jeep isn’t here, Dakota. I’ll go, you stay here. Cowboy won’t know what to do without you.” I backed away from him, heading towards the door. “Come in here with me and let me show you how to change the security code.” When he frowned, I explained, “Once I go down the elevator, you can change the code to where nobody can come up without you sending the elevator to them. Nobody will be able to come up here—not even me.”
“I don’t want to be here anymore, Trystan. I’m finished.”
His voice sounded weaker. He was so fucking weary, so defeated.
“I’m not finished, Dakota. I’m in love with you. I understand that you don’t love me back but that doesn’t stop my feelings at all—doesn’t even seem to register with my heart. That’s okay, I’ll learn to deal with it. What I won’t do is let you leave my apartment when you have no vehicle or nowhere to go. It’s cold outside. We’ll deal with this,” I motioned between the two of us, “tomorrow morning.”
Hope soared inside of me when I saw doubt flicker in his eyes. “Come on, let me show you how to change the code and then I’ll be out of your way.” I knew Alex was in the parking garage waiting on me but he was going to have to accept that I was not going anywhere tonight. Dakota was afraid of somebody and if there was even a remote possibility that he might be in danger, I couldn’t leave him alone. I would stay in my car right outside the elevator entrance and keep vigil all fucking night. He was mine and I would be damned if anybody ever hurt him again.
I turned and walked out of the bedroom and down the hall, hoping I would hear him trailing behind me before I had taken too many steps. When I heard his light footsteps, I was both relieved and heartbroken. I gave him a brief review of the security system, told him I loved him, and stepped onto the elevator. I kept a straight face until the doors closed in front of me.
Then my entire world shattered.