Chapter Twenty-One
Trystan
I’d paced the hall outside Dakota’s hospital room for what seemed like eight long, grueling hours but every time I checked my watch, only a minute or two had passed. I respected that Dakota’s mom wanted to spend time with him and I wouldn’t dare do anything to rock that boat, but I really needed to get back in that room and assure myself he knew I hadn’t been involved. I knew he told me he loved me for those few short minutes he woke up yesterday and, I kept telling myself he wouldn’t have said that if he’d fallen for Evan’s lies, but I still needed to make one hundred percent certain. On top of that, I just missed the fuck out of him. On top of the top of that, my parents were sitting in the waiting room, watching my every step and laughing at my discomfort. Evil bastards.
Finally, the door to his room opened and Ms. Jacobson looked up and down the hall until she saw me. She’d told me to call her Evie but that didn’t seem respectable enough so I was sticking with Ms. Jacobson. I liked her. A lot. I thought she liked me. A little. Who knew? I thought she liked me a lot but I was trying not to get too comfortable with the idea of my ass being in Dakota’s life until the day I drew my final breath. For all I knew, he could kick me to the curb the second all the drugs left his system. Of course, if that happened, I could always consider just leaving him hooked to a morphine pump whether he needed it or not.
When she started in my direction, I stood up straighter and tried to make myself not appear so desperate. Shit, I didn’t care that she knew how desperate I was. I was in love with her son. “How is he?” I asked as soon as she was in hearing distance. She walked straight into my arms and gave me the hug I desperately needed.
“He’s good, Trystan. He’s going to be fine, my boy is strong.” She winked through a teary eye. “He comes from strong stock.”
“Yes, ma’am, he does. That much has been most obvious.” I cleared my throat to try and hide my nervousness and said, “Thank you again for allowing me and my family to stay underfoot while he’s been recovering. I’m sure you’ve wanted to strangle us at least half of the time, but it’s meant the world to me to be able to stay with him.”
A friendly laugh bubbled out of her mouth. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m in love with you and your family already. Your mother is the more glamorous version of me—full of enough sass to keep everybody in line and madly devoted to her family. Your father is absolutely gorgeous and hands-down the most arrogant man I’ve met and yet he is utterly and lovingly whipped by his wife, and not the least bit ashamed of that fact.” Her hand reached up to rest on my cheek. “And you, Mr. Matherly, are a mother’s dream come true for her son. Since the moment I realized he was gay, I dreamed of him finding someone strong enough to love him the way he deserved. I knew I would love you the moment he first told me your name.”
Frowning, I asked, “When did he mention me? I was actually very nervous that you wouldn’t have a clue I even existed and kick my ass out of the hospital as soon as you saw me. I understand Dakota’s trust issues and wouldn’t be at all surprised if they passed to you as well.”
“He called me the first time you showed up to bring him breakfast and walk him to swim practice. He was angry, frustrated, confused, and called you every name except a child of God. I listened to him rant and rave about how you didn’t respect people’s boundaries and how you thought you were God’s gift to men and women alike. I heard about the ridiculous nickname you gave him and how he would like to take a guppy and shove it straight up your ass. He told me how you waltzed into his life and then refused to go away when he told you to fuck off.”
My cheeks are probably a bright red because they sure to hell were burning right now. “Wow, I don’t suppose you were very fond of me, huh? He didn’t say one nice thing about me?” Of course, he didn’t. I’d pushed my way into his life just like I did everything. Tank—I hadn’t earned that nickname by waiting for an invitation. Having said that, I was fairly certain that wasn’t proper etiquette for dating behavior.
“Nope, not one nice thing,” she responded tartly.
Confused, I asked, “Why did you think you might like me, then?” She had said that, right? Please don’t let me have misheard that part.
“Because it wasn’t what he said, Trystan, it was his tone when he said it. I know my son very well and it had been a lifetime since I’d heard that particular tone in his voice. To be honest, I’d thought Evan had taken it away forever. He probably would have if it hadn’t been for you. You, my sweet boy, didn’t allow him to be invisible. When I hung up from that call, I fell down on my knees and thanked the good Lord for this mysterious boy that wasn’t just offering my son a lifeline, he was wrapping it around his entire body and pulling him back to safety.”
“I’m in love with him, Ms. Jacobson, you know this, don’t you? Madly in love with him.”
“Yes, I’m beginning to suspect that,” she answered with a sly smile. “If you’ve been meaning to keep it a secret, you might want to work on that particular skill. You suck at it.”
“No, ma’am, I never want to keep Dakota a secret. I’m just not sure how he feels about me. One minute I think I have a chance and then the next minute, I’m one hundred percent sure I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell.”
“Well, like I told him, that’s between the two of you. I’m not a meddling mother.” She paused and gnawed her bottom lip for a second and then corrected, “I’m not a meddling mother too often—don’t give me a reason and I’ll behave. Know this, Trystan Matherly, I’ll protect that boy with my life.”
“So will I,” I answered truthfully. I didn’t for one minute doubt that she would, she’d already sacrificed practically every physical possession she owned in order to try and bring justice to the men responsible for hurting Dakota. There was a part of me that suspected she might have ended up killing Evan if they’d faced off in court and the bastard had convinced a jury that he was innocent. I knew how hard she’d worked to find a lawyer that would even represent Dakota because everyone in their area either openly supported Evan or secretly feared not supporting Evan might lead to their financial downfall. From what I’d been able to understand, the lawyer she was finally able to get was not very diligent in working on a case against Evan and she was doing all the work behind the scenes…on top of her two day jobs. At least I would be able to ease that burden off her and Dakota. My parent’s lawyers, with Evie’s agreement, have taken over Dakota’s case and were also working on lawsuits against the college, the police department, and several local news agencies that flagrantly reported lies and slanderous remarks about Dakota.
“I know that and appreciate it very much, Trystan, but please try to keep in mind that I seriously doubt my son is looking for a protector. He’s looking for a lover, friend, and, more importantly, someone that will view him as an equal in the relationship—he’s never had that.” She looked down for a minute, like she was studying her next words carefully, and then said, “Evan’s the only boyfriend he ever had before you, Trystan. Please remember that and try not to judge him too harshly when he doesn’t behave or understand relationship issues that the rest of us deem natural. He’s accustomed to being treated badly so that’s what he will look for, even when it isn’t there. While it’s nothing he’s ever shared with me, I would assume he has some conflicting feelings and reactions when it comes to sex.”
I was feeling myself grow incredibly uncomfortable when Dakota’s mom brought up the sex word. I’d done very naughty things to her son and hopefully he enjoyed them but who knew for sure? I was sure he was confused when it came to intimacy. My hand went behind my neck and started trying to massage the nervousness away. “Well…uh…he might…”
She took pity on me.
“For Heaven’s sake, Trystan, I’m not looking for details,” she said in a teasing voice. “I want you to be aware, that’s all. My guess is he comes off rather…worldly and wild in the bedroom because I’ve no doubt Evan abused him in every way imaginable, but there’s still bound to be an innocence surrounding real intimacy. Be patient.”
“Yes, ma’am.” What else could I say? This discussion needed to end and end quickly. My father had already asked what that contraption was on my pool table…right in front of Dakota’s mom. He knew damned well what it was, the sorry-assed bastard.
I nodded and started to walk away, dying to get back to Dakota as quickly as possible, but she caught my arm in a tight squeeze and hauled me back around with what felt like about the same strength a linebacker used.
“One more thing, Trystan.”
“Yes, ma’am?” I asked. I’d never used ma’am so many times in my entire life.
“If you aren’t in for the long haul with Dakota, get your ass out of the way right now.” She took a step closer. “As in, don’t even walk back into that room and tell him goodbye. Walk away and don’t look back. You aren’t responsible and, like I said, he isn’t looking for a bodyguard. Am I making myself clear?”
“Crystal, ma’am.”
Her eyes misted and the harsh woman filled with sass suddenly looked soft and vulnerable. “Where are you going?”
“To the man I love, ma’am.”
She nodded, broke down in tears, and left me standing there. Seconds later, she disappeared into the women’s restroom. My own mother’s feet hit the floor. She was coming at me faster than I ran for the end zone while carrying the football for the winning touchdown. When she skewered me with her ‘what the fuck’ look, I actually felt sorry for my dad. I bet she kicked his ass on a regular basis—Mondays through Fridays because he needed it and Saturdays and Sundays just for fun.
The poor bastard in question was trailing her and as they get close, I heard him say, “He’s our only child, babe. Before you kill him remember how much weight you gained in pregnancy and how horribly you thought you photographed.”
She whirled around on him. “What the hell does that even mean?”
“Just that I’ll need to replace him if he dies.”
“Oh, dear Lord, you’re such an idiot,” she muttered and then turned back to me. “What the fuck did you say to make her cry? So help me, Trystan Matherly, if you’re getting cold feet and have done something to hurt that poor woman…”
“I didn’t, mom. No more cold feet for me. I’m in it to win it. This is the fourth quarter and time is ticking away. I’m going to win his love if it’s the last thing I do,” I swore to her.
She stood there, gaping at me for a full thirty seconds before saying, “Not like that, you aren’t. Stop using sports analogies for…well, for anything. They’re stupid. It makes you sound stupid and when you do that, everybody thinks you only inherited your father’s traits and didn’t get any of my good features, sharp mind, or quick wit. Just stop it.”
I’d only said that to aggravate her. Dad and I drove her crazy with that shit all the time. She deserved it this time, though. How in the hell could she even think I would do something to hurt Dakota or his mom? She knew how much I loved him.
“Yes, mother,” I answered with one of my sweetest smiles. “May I go now? My heart is starting to hurt from being away from him for so long.”
“Much better,” she answered with a smile. “I’ll go check on Evie. She has to be on an emotional rollercoaster right now.”
Before she could walk away, Dad said, “Son, now isn’t the time for a quarterback sneak—go in there and be up front and completely honest.”
She took the time to smack him on the ass before heading to the bathroom. This time, he was serious when he said, “I know you love him, son. Show him that love and everything will work out.”
If only it could be that simple.
As I walked toward the room, I tucked in my shirt and gave myself a pep talk. Love could conquer all, right? Wasn’t that what they said? I had this.
When I let myself into the room and locked the door behind me, I was certain I violated every rule in the hospital. I didn’t care. Why put locks on the doors if you weren’t supposed to use them?
Dakota had been fooling with his bed and now had the mattress sitting up instead of lying flat as he was supposed to be. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be sitting up yet, Guppy,” I said softly as I made my way to his side. His green eyes tracked my path and he had a somber expression on his face. “Does it hurt your side to bend like that?” I fluffed his pillows instead of touching him. I had to get my feelings under control because all I wanted to do was grab him, touch every inch to assure myself he was really okay, and then kiss him into submission. Since I was pretty sure he wasn’t ready for that yet, I fluffed the other pillow.
“Stop fluffing the pillows and sit down, Trystan,” he growled.
I plunked down in the seat like the most obedient sub in the club. When he reached over and took my hand in his, every doubt fled my body. A part of me didn’t want to hear what Dakota was about to say because I was afraid of how much damage it would do to my very soul. The other part, the stronger part that Dakota always managed to bring to the surface, knew that I not only had to hear it but I had to be man enough to be the strength Dakota needed. His mother told me he’d received very little counseling following the rape—part of that was Dakota’s fault and the other part was the absolute need to get him out of that community and into a different school. She’d felt that if he hadn’t plunged back into something familiar to him, she might have lost him forever. I wasn’t sure I agreed—Dakota had needed help and still needed help dealing with what had happened. It was almost as if they’d thrown back into the lion’s den without any way to defend himself. Of course, I wasn’t there…didn’t see the shape he was in…so I had no business armchair quarterbacking her decisions. If I knew one thing for certain, it was that she did everything she damned could to protect Dakota.
“Sorry,” I finally muttered. “I’m just worried about you. You may have to be patient while the rest of us baby you for a while. It’s been fucking hard seeing you lay there like that, not knowing how badly we wanted you to come back to us. I would stare at you for hours, begging for something. The only thing that prevented me from going crazy was that you looked so peaceful.”
His lips curved into a smile. “It wasn’t peaceful, trust me.”
“Why? What? Were you in pain? The doctors assured us you weren’t in any pain. So help me if you were…”
“Stop being a bully, Trystan. You can’t go around beating up every person that doesn’t make me the focus of their life,” he joked.
He was wrong. I could. Hell, I probably would.
“But if they let you suffer when they could have been doing something, they deserve whatever I’m going to give them.”
“It wasn’t physical pain, it was frustrating. I could hear most of what you all were saying.” He laughed softly. “I thought I was hearing it all, but my mother tells me I’m mistaken. Thank the fuck I couldn’t hear her telling my deep dark secrets. I might not have ever opened my eyes.”
Since he was grinning when he said it, I was sure he wasn’t talking about his life with Evan. We’d all talked so much, tried to keep each other calm and our minds focused on good things, so I was struggling to come up with what he was talking about. Then it dawned on me. “Buttons?”
He put a fake frown on his face and said, “We will never speak of that again. Understood?”
“Understood. I’ll just make sure all the buttons are put out of reach before you come home.”
“Asshole,” he grumbled and then, just like that, his eyes took on a serious, sad look.
I braced myself.
He took a deep breath and said, “There’s a few things I need to clear up before I start down the path I’m about to go. First of all, I’m pretty sure I heard you say Cowboy and Binx are safe?”
I nodded.
“Did my mom explain to you that I’ve been under a court-ordered gag order regarding anything that happened between the first time I met Evan until now?”
The stupid fuckers had included the entire time span that Dakota had known Evan—they hadn’t wanted any disparaging remarks to rob Evan of a fair trial in the future…if it even came to a trial. Dakota’s mother’s eyes blazed when she’d told me that one. Even the court documents leaned toward insinuating Evan was innocent and Dakota was guilty of bringing false accusations against him. Evan’s lawyers threatened to press charges against him for making the claims and intended for him to serve jail time.
“Your mother told me.”
“And I told you that I loved you, right? I didn’t dream that, did I?”
He spoke those words in a much softer tone, a shy hint to the scratchy voice the medical tubes had left him with. A small blush tinged his cheeks and I was amazed that he might still be questioning how much those words had meant to me. “Yes, you told me. I swear to you, Dakota, I’ve waited for what seems like a lifetime to hear you say those words to me.”
It seemed my words gave him some much needed courage because he took another deep breath and said, “Then I have a story to tell you,” he said slowly. “I don’t give a fuck about a court order—you deserve to know what happened. I’m going to make it as short as I can but still give you enough to know what you’re up against with me. When you’ve heard it, all of it, you can take some time and decide how you want us to go forward, if you want us to try to go forward. I’ll completely understand if it’s too much, Trystan. That’s one of the main reasons I kept trying to pull away, you didn’t deserve to be pulled into all my drama.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that it didn’t matter what he told me, how ugly it might be, I already knew what I wanted and it was him. It would always be him. Instead of saying it though, I nodded for him to continue. My gut was telling me that he needed to believe his words might make a difference. He needed me to hear them and still love him on the other side of his horror tale. I already knew I would. He didn’t. His mother said he doubted anybody could ever love him again. Those doubts would be one of the many things he would need help with in the future.
“I met Evan when I was in the ninth grade. I mean, we’d gone to elementary and middle school together, but we’d never spoken or even made eye contact from best I could remember. It was a tough time for me. I was just realizing there was a ninety-nine point nine percent chance I was gay and I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do with that information. Texas is definitely not agreeable to the gay lifestyle—at least not the part I lived in. So I was struggling. Terrified, actually. I thought there was something wrong with me and for a while, I’d tried to fix me.” He smiled sadly. “It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t broken. I have the best mom in the entire world and I was even afraid to tell her until my Junior year.” He shrugged. “Of course she already knew but was just waiting on me to tell her. She would have saved me a lot of sleepless nights if she would have just forced me to admit it.”
“I don’t think that’s how your mother works, babe.” I didn’t have a clue how to act—should I be serious…or should I be myself. I settled on myself.
“No, that’s definitely not her,” he agreed. “So, back to the ninth grade. I had to take a gym elective in high school because our school didn’t offer swimming. The football coach was over the gym classes so we pretty much didn’t do a damned thing most of the time. When the team lost or did poorly in one of their practices, he would sometimes bring them into the gym during the day and have them run, lift weights, or whatever form of punishment he’d dreamed up for that day. I’d been in high school for almost two months before running into Evan in the locker room. Because I was a stupid neat freak, I was usually the last person to leave the locker room at the end of our period. I’d tidy up a bit.” His eyes moved to look out the window as he continued. “Damn me to hell if that tidiness didn’t end up costing me more than I was able to pay.”
He shook his head. “Lost in the music blasting in my ear buds, I hadn’t even realized it was only me and Evan left in the locker room. When I looked up, he was standing right in front of me, nearly touching but not quite. In no more than a few seconds time, he’d ripped the ear buds out of my ear, slammed me against a locker, and kissed me until my head was spinning.”
Okay, that was not what I’d expected to hear. It hurt to think of Evan actually kissing Dakota…well enough to make his head spin.
“I didn’t know any better, you know? It was the first time my body had actually come in contact with another guy in a sexual way and I think I went kind of crazy. All those confusing thoughts, negative feelings, and questions vanished the second his body pushed against mine. It felt right. It felt so right that I, in that very minute, thought it couldn’t be wrong. It was as if that…acceptance is what I’d been looking for. I mean, there he was, the most popular guy in our school, oozing with muscles and testosterone, and he was kissing me. When he finally stopped kissing and touching me, he told me to meet him after school at a small hotel his father owned close to the school.”
Don’t want to hear this. Don’t want to hear this.
I had to hear this.
“You okay?” He asked softly.
“I’m right where I’ll always be, babe. With you. Keep going.”
“I met him. I knew it was something I shouldn’t do but there wasn’t any amount of evidence my mind could have presented to my body to keep me from going to that hotel that afternoon. Teenage hormones—the struggle is real. Anyway, I went. In my mind, with every single step, I imagined him making love to me, it would be everything I’d fantasized about.”
He cleared his throat and I noticed his hand was gripping mine tighter now.
“It wasn’t anything like my fantasies. He was…violent. Brutal, almost. There wasn’t any lube or preparation—no kissing or stroking like earlier in the day. It hurt. It hurt really bad. But when he was finished, he told me I was his dream come true. He promised it would get better, the first time was always the worst. It didn’t get better. He got more and more violent with each of our rendezvous, but like an abused puppy, I just kept going back for more. I mean, he was the most popular guy in the school. All the girls loved him. He had to be doing it right, there was something wrong with me. Those were some of my thoughts and then add the fact that, of course, we had to keep everything a secret, and I was back to believing I was broken again. That little shitty life went on and on, getting worse and worse, until my senior year. By then, I’d had enough. Yes, I was afraid of Evan and was afraid of what he might do if I tried to disrespect him by leaving—his words, not mine. I was afraid, but at the same time, determined. I’d enrolled in a college far, far away from where he planned on attending. He was supposed to attend either Tennessee or Georgia—big SEC schools. I thought I was safe to finally break it off. When I told him, he acted…surprised, but not mad. He just patted me on the head and told me I’d be back. I laughed because I knew I would never let him touch me again. I was finished and flying high because I had honestly feared he might try to hurt me when I told him. I crashed the next day when my cat turned up missing. She was a housecat, so she should have been safe. She was older, my mom had gotten her for us when my dad had ditched. The next day, Evan showed up at the house with a bloody towel and asked me how many more things that I loved would have to die before I came to my senses.”
His green eyes looked up at me and there were tears swimming in them.
“He threatened my mom. He insinuated he would hurt her next if I didn’t come back to him. Of course, I did. I didn’t feel like I had any other choices and I guess after all the time and all that has happened, I made the right decision—he would have hurt my mom. He’s shown what he’s capable of.”
He must have felt so trapped and I knew his heart had been devastated by Evan hurting any animal, much less one he loved. He had the sweetest, kindest heart and Evan had known that. He’d known how to gain control over him. My hands itched to wrap around the bastard’s neck and strangle the life from him—to make him beg for mercy even when he’d refused any mercy to Dakota.
“He told me that night at your apartment that he was angry the cat had died so quickly back then. He was going to make Binx…” He swallowed. “…he was going to try for something slower.”
“I don’t know what to say, Dakota. There aren’t words to describe the hate I feel for Evan and what he did to you and your family. I wish there was something I could say. Anything I could do to make it go away.”
“I know, Trystan, but I still have to tell you these things. I’m not looking for you to try and fix me or take away my past, it’s there and always will be. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from some of the time. I know I act crazy, but there’s usually something that’s happened, some part of my past, that’s causing my reactions.”
Another deep breath, this one sounding weaker, and he was ready to continue. “So my escape was successfully thwarted and the next thing I knew, we were enrolled in the same college. I was still his dirty secret and something to abuse on a very regular basis. He grew meaner and more violent with each passing year. He was homophobic. He hated gay people. He hated me because he blamed me for enticing him into sex. It was almost as if he hated himself for his feelings but he wanted me to pay for that hate. I don’t know. I gave up trying to understand him a long time ago. Anyway, it felt like the violence escalated every second of every day. Inside my head, I could feel a bomb ticking. I knew he was going to explode one day. I’d been right. We were out one night.” He coughed out a laugh and then corrected, “No, we weren’t out on a date or anything. He was taking me home after he’d driven me out to a secluded park and fucked me until I begged him to stop. He loved me to beg. So he was taking me home and a car load of the football players saw us. They didn’t say anything, but the strange expressions on their faces voiced the words their mouths hadn’t. They suspected something and Evan went crazy. He pulled over and beat me up really bad—never anywhere anybody could see, but there were plenty of hidden marks when he was finished. He left me there, on the side of a back road, beaten and bleeding. When I finally made it back to my apartment, I cleaned myself up and hoped that would be the end of Evan. Surely he wouldn’t come around anymore if the other football players suspected something, right?”
He fidgeted around on the bed, took a small sip of water, and then leaned up and kissed me on the cheek. The softness of that kiss nearly brought tears to my eyes. I thought back to what his mother said about the innocence that was still there, underneath all the abuse. I’d been rough, had I hurt him like Evan but he’d been too manipulated in the past to know how to tell me…or even know what he really wanted?
His next words interrupted my thoughts.
“Don’t go there, Trystan, stay with me. You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do and I enjoyed every minute we were together. That last night—it was the only time I felt myself slipping back to somewhere I didn’t need to be and that was only because I was using sex. Me, not you. Okay?”
I believed he thought he was telling the truth. I also knew none of it mattered. The future was what our focus should be on. “I love you,” I told him. Those were the only words that seemed adequate.
“Two weeks passed and I didn’t hear anything from Evan. I was elated. I thought things were finally over and I could try to build a normal life without all the lies and violence. Then I found the note under my apartment door. He wanted me to meet him, he had something special planned.” His eyes found mine. “It was exactly the same message Alex brought to me—the one he thought you sent. I’d known before that denying his request wasn’t an option and this time wasn’t any different. I allowed him to take me to that cabin that night. The police said I could have said ‘no’ but I didn’t, so it wasn’t kidnapping. They didn’t understand, I couldn’t tell Evan no. So I went. I expected him to beat me up again. I expected a violent rape. Those things were par for the course with Evan and a part of me thinks I’d actually grown accustomed to both of them. It had been a part of my life for so long, that it started to feel normal. Anyway, I went and got so much more than I could have ever imagined. Three of his friends were there. It was the same three in the car, the ones that had seen us together. Wouldn’t it be my luck—they turned out to be into the same thing as Evan? I was already tied up when they got there, there wasn’t anything I could do, no way to fight them.” He paused and added, “That’s why I freaked out so bad when I heard Alex in the other room. It triggered something and I couldn’t control the fear that gripped me. I’m sorry about that,” he said but kept going before I could tell him he didn’t have anything to be sorry about. “In their minds, I think they justified their urge to fuck another guy by doing it violently. They said they were simply there to do a service—hurt a faggot. It was a lie they told themselves to keep from accepting what they were.” With a disgusted smile, he said, “There’s no need for details about what happened at that cabin. There were four of them. It was bad. I almost didn’t live. I think Evan thought he did me a favor by leaving me alive—for old time’s sake, I guess. He thought I would just take it and then welcome him back whenever he felt the urge again. He was so arrogantly confident that he had me beaten and fucked into submission, he thought he could honestly get away with it because I wouldn’t say a word. He was wrong. I tried to tell. I wanted them to be punished. I was sick and tired of being the victim and wanted him to pay. Needless to say, it didn’t work out that way. I became the most hated person in Texas. My mother lost her job. We lost everything. Nobody believed me. Everybody thought I was the problem. It couldn’t have been football’s golden child, could it?”
I no longer had any doubts as to why my football status was a problem in the beginning. He’d been hurt by the special treatment I’d received all of my life, never once thinking how it might affect someone other than me. It was shit like that, my entitlement, that had helped create the monster that I was. The other part was just the fact that I was a borderline asshole but I was the asshole that wanted to be better. All that was on me, but I felt like I needed to break in and say something to Dakota about what he thought happened…or at least who he was placing a significant portion of the blame on. I knew that sometimes the best thing to do was listen to someone but not in this case.
Please let it be not in this case, I prayed.
“Can I say something about that, Dakota?” I asked softly.
His eyes cut around to mine, and he silently dared me to defend football players, lovers of football, footballs in general, and quite possibly people who manufactured footballs in a hot, sweaty mill somewhere.
“Of course,” he said, the words barely squeezing out of his clenched jaws.
I love that he still had so much fight left in him. He’d been to Hell and back but he was ready to kick my ass right then if I said something that pissed him off.
“The fury I feel because of what happened to you…the fury towards the people who did this to you—every damned fucking one of them from Evan, to the school, to the media, and to every other person who knowingly turned a blind eye while that shit went on, is nearly crippling me right now. From the moment I read that first article right up until this very second, it is taking every single ounce of my willpower not to line people up and flat-out fucking kill them. Slowly. With enjoyment, babe. I would enjoy every minute of it and if that makes me a bad person, I’m fucking fine with that. Please understand that, Dakota. I hate them with an intensity that should frighten me but I welcome it. That hatred is the only thing that kept me sane those days we waited here in this hospital, not knowing if you would recover or if I’d lost you forever. Now it’s your love that’s keeping me in this seat.” I drew in a deep breath to try to calm my thundering heartbeat. “I think you’re wrong though, Dakota. You’re most certainly not the most hated person in Texas and not everyone there betrayed you. Did your school betray you? Yes, definitely. Did the police betray you? No doubt about it. Did the media betray you? They were the fucking worst. The people, babe? No, they didn’t know the facts. You were caught up in small town politics where Evan’s money and influence were able to buy people. Evan’s daddy had his hand in every pocket of practically every local newscaster and the story was spun the way Evan’s dad wanted it. That didn’t mean the people believed it, Dakota. I know everything you saw or heard was negative but that was because that’s what Evan’s people wanted you to think. Those people in that great state are good folk and when they hear the truth, the tide will turn.”
Two things came from my heart-felt speech. First of all, I didn’t hurt his feelings. No, the look on his face was nothing but pure frustrated anger. Secondly, I thought he might hit me. Hitting me was good, I was okay with that. Hurting his feelings? So not okay with that.
Finally, he said, “I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this one, Trystan. You weren’t there, you don’t know what all happened. You didn’t see how we were treated. Every god-damned newspaper printed a story implying I had made up tales like this before. I was a gay whore that would do anything to trick or manipulate innocent young men into my bed. My mother was a lawyer only because she had to learn to hide all my illegal transgressions. I’d asked for it. I deserved it. Evan was on a fucking beach in Tahiti when it happened! The shit went on and on—not one time did one paper or television broadcast even hint that Evan could be guilty.”
He’d raised up when he’d been yelling at me, but then plopped back against the pillow, clearly exhausted and pissed, heavy on the pissed, when he finished. “Just drop it,” he muttered, jerking his hand out of mine and shoving it through his hair. After a few seconds, he started to massage his forehead. Perfect. He’d been awake less than an hour and I was giving him a brain hemorrhage. What happened to the pep talk I’d given myself about not pushing any of his buttons?
“You can get mad at me all you want, babe, I’m not going anywhere. I’m in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You need to remember that before you get so frustrated that you blow the top of your head off.” I tried for humor.
I failed.
“You don’t get it, Trystan. I understand that, you’ve always been the golden child. The media loves you. You have no idea how it feels to be on the other side of golden.”
His eyes fluttered closed and when they opened again, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. He was about to tell me it was over. I could see it on his face and in his eyes.
“You say that you want to be with me, that you love me, and I believe you. I didn’t at first because the idea was just so unbelievable that I couldn’t comprehend it. I thought maybe Evan had convinced you to mess with me—just another way to keep me off balance and miserable. When the facts didn’t support that, I decided I was just a fun fuck. Hell, I made it clear I would do anything in bed, so I was okay with fun fuck category. To be honest, I was thankful that you were able to get me interested in sex again. There was a time not too long ago when I was convinced I would never want anybody to touch me again. Then you came along and things started waking up. I was determined to be happy, enjoy it while I could. Then again, the way you acted didn’t support that idea either. Everything about you screamed that you wanted more from me, you were offering more to me. You were fucking perfect, Trystan. No matter how I acted, you were perfect.” A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye as he continued. “Did you know that when I went to your apartment that night, I thought you were there with Evan. I believed you were just like him. You’d been nothing but fucking perfect to me and I was willing to believe that about you. What does that say about me?”
“It says you’ve been through Hell and that I didn’t work hard enough to prove to you how I really felt. That is what it says, babe. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, you would have trust issues. How could you not? But we’ll work through them, Dakota, you and me. Together. We can do this.”
“We can’t do this, Trystan. I can’t,” he corrected. “I won’t do this to you. You’ve never been on the wrong side of the tabloid, even if it was local, and I don’t want to be what puts you there. I know you’re planning to sign with the Cowboys at the draft. They’ve made it clear they want you and you’ve made it clear that you want them. They love you, Trystan. They love your family. I won’t be responsible for dimming that love or, even worse, turning it to hate.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but he held his hand up to silence me. “They won’t quit, Trystan. I had to disappear to avoid being stalked around the clock. I had a fake last name so they couldn’t find me. They were determined to prove that I was the disgusting vile creature they were portraying and I was sure that given half a chance, they would have taken some picture that could and would have been misconstrued into something it wasn’t. It isn’t going to end and I’ll be damned if I take you down with me. And then, on top of that, Evan will never stop. His latest stunt might get him a slap on the hand and trust me, that will piss him off even more. If he loses anything because of me, he won’t rest until I’m dead. His plan was to kill you when you got home that night. Did you know that? Kill you, Trystan! Do you think I want to bring you or your family into that psycho’s world? No, I don’t. I won’t. I love you, Trystan. I love you with all of my heart and that’s why I’m going to let you go. I’m eventually going down, either by Evan or by the media, and I’m not taking you with me. I love you too much.”
I sat there, hating the sadness on his face and knowing there was no need for it. I wasn’t letting him go. He might be willing to stop fighting for us but I wasn’t, not now, not ever. That wasn’t fair, he wasn’t willing to stop fighting. He was stepping aside to protect me—very honorable and very much not necessary.
“You’re wrong, Guppy. You’re so wrong. It isn’t going to turn out the way you’re picturing it. We belong together and we’ll be together. I know it isn’t going to be easy, especially after what happened with Evan coming after you again. I know you have emotional and physical scars but I damned well know that we’ll take baby steps together until we’re able to take bigger steps and then take on the world. I know the pain isn’t going to go away with Evan. I’ll help you. You’ll help me. We will do it. Together.”
“It won’t work.”
“I love you.”
“I’ll drag you down into the pits of my hell so far that you won’t be able to remember the lofty perch you sat on for years.”
“You love me.”
“Love isn’t always enough, Trystan. There are other people’s happiness and safety at stake here. What about your parents? How will they feel to be blacklisted because of me? What happens if Evan goes after one of them? What then, Trystan? Do you think I could live with myself if something like that happened?”
“Together.”
He huffed out a string of curse words. “Shut the fuck up, Trystan. Stop saying things that can’t happen!”
“Okay, I’ve been nice about this long enough, Dakota. You built Evan and his daddy up like they’re some kind of gods that can’t be touched. They own the media. They own the football fans. They own fucking Texas? I don’t think so. You hated me on sight because of who I was and what my name brought to the table. You hated me because I was just another version of Evan. Don’t shake your head because I know it’s true. I understand. I see the fucking similarities, Dakota, and don’t think they don’t make me sick. That first night when you were in intensive care and they wouldn’t let me come to you—it was the darkest night of my life. Don’t think for one minute I didn’t sit down in that waiting room and count the ways I resembled Evan. How much I had to resemble Evan in your eyes. The football. The same muscular build. The entitlement. The money. The popularity. The fucking fact that I thought I was above the rules at our school! I didn’t break the law but maybe that was just because the opportunity hadn’t presented itself yet. I sure the hell didn’t mind breaking every rule that Alabama Temple had in place whenever it suited me. Evan would do that shit, wouldn’t he? He thought he was above the rules and so the fuck did I!” My hands clutched his and I made him look at me. I made him see the love in my eyes.
“I hated myself that night, Dakota. I hated everything about me. You know who else I considered hating? My family, that’s who. They were just like Evan’s daddy, weren’t they? They used their power and influence to get what they wanted. We were all cut from the same mold!”
“No, Trystan,” he pleaded. “Please don’t think that. You’re nothing like Evan. Your father is nothing like his. Please don’t.” He gasped and said, “See? See why I can’t be a part of your life? You thought those things because of me, Trystan! Me!”
“You didn’t let me finish, babe,” I told him. “I had all those feelings swirling around in my head, making me question everything I’d ever done, and then my parents walked in. I wanted to be angry with them. I wanted to accuse them of all the facts I’d just ticked off in my head, but then I’d looked at my dad. I saw the pain in his eyes and I knew it wasn’t just because he knew I was hurting. They were both hurting because of what happened. When Lincoln called to tell him what happened, my dad started researching right away, even as they were getting things together to come to us. He read what the papers wrote and he was furious. He listened to what your mom had to say on the flight over, and his heart ached. It ached for a boy he didn’t know. That’s my parents, Dakota.”
“I know that, Trystan. I know they’re nothing like Evan and his dad. I promise I don’t think that about them,” he said.
His voice was trembling and he was next to sobbing. He needed to be resting, not arguing with me.
“But you’re wrong, Dakota. They are like them. They do have power and influence and they do use it. I’m not going to lie to you about it. They’ve been known to toss their name around more times than Evan’s father has probably ever considered trying. They do it for different reasons. I don’t want you to hate me for what I am, babe. My name is Matherly and it means something in the football world and it means a hell of a lot in Texas. When you’re with me, you’re going to reap the benefits and the cruelties that will come with it. There’s a really good chance I’m not always going to be the golden child and I hope I’ll be okay with that when the time comes. Who knows?” My hand caressed his cheek. “What I do know is what is happening right now. I’m in love with you and I’m going to have you. End of story.”
If nothing else, I was going to win this argument by him forfeiting due to exhaustion.
“What if they hate you, Trystan?” He finally whispered. “What if you’re wrong and they end up turning on you? What if you don’t get to play for the Cowboys because of me? Will you love me then?”
“As soon as you’re better, I’m going to spank your pretty ass for doubting my love. Go ahead and write that one down in the punishment column. If the media turns on me and I don’t sign with the Cowboys, it will be their loss. I’m almost as magnificent on the field as I am in the bedroom. I’ll sign with somebody or I won’t. Since meeting you, my priorities have shifted. Anyway, I’m rather disappointed that you might even consider Evan’s light might shine brighter than mine. That is an utterly ridiculous thought.”
He gave me a tiny hint of a smile. I was wearing him down.
“He’s really popular, Trystan. His dad is powerful. Trust me, I’ve been on the wrong end of that power.”
“I bet you that the Matherly clan, you included, win the first media encounter. Care to take that bet?”
“Stop making this a joke, I’m serious. You don’t realize what you’re up against.”
“If you win, I walk away. If I win, you stop questioning me and trust that we will make it through this and come out stronger on the other side.” I leaned in and placed a quick kiss on his lips. I’d wanted to fucking do that since I’d seen his eyes open. “Oh, and you have to be completely obedient to me for the remainder of your life. And give me sex anytime I want it. Anywhere. With all sorts of toys and kinky shit.” When he frowned at me, I added, “Just if I win.”
“You’re still joking. I’m still serious.”
“Do you take the bet? Yes, or no, pretty little Guppy?”
“Hey, thanks for reminding me, I like the nickname. When Evan was beating the shit out of me, I was afraid I would never be able to tell you that I really like it. I only acted pissed because…well, because I acted pissed about everything.”
“I knew you did, your eyes would sparkle when I’d say it. Yes, or no?”
“Whatever will shut you up,” he grumbled.
Yep, totally wearing him down.
With a huge victory smile, I jumped off the bed and started digging through my backpack. Within seconds my hands found the newspaper I was searching for. Turning back around, I handed him the wrinkled paper and said, “My dad had a friend of a friend of a friend have this copy flown in to him because he thought he looked hot in the picture.” I shrugged as he started to unfold it. “You know, Matherly entitlement at work.”
Dakota had a rainbow of expressions cross his face when he saw the headline. It read ‘Evander Tannahill finally takes a fall for one of his many sins!’ The picture was a shot of my dad punching Evander, Evan’s dad, right in the face while they were at the airport getting ready to fly to Alabama. It was an accident that they’d run into each other there, but leave it to my dad to never pass up on an opportunity when it was presented so nicely. My mom was in the background, looking like she was back to her old cheerleading again as she rooted my dad on. They looked like freaking rednecks and I loved them for it.
“I’m only showing you that to appease your mind, Dakota. I don’t care whose side the media falls on because I’m firmly on your side and that’s where I’m going to stay. The rest of it, everybody else, is just static bullshit that could barely gather enough momentum to be an annoyance to me. No more. And I think with that right hook and that cheerleader pose in the background, my parents are making it clear whom they support as well. Your mother has always been in your corner. Alex and Lincoln’s concerns have only been for you and me. If other people fall in line, good for them. If they don’t, fuck em.” I kissed him again just because he tasted so damned good. When he didn’t fight back or start arguing about his reputation hurting mine (which was far from stellar), I added, “I still can’t believe you ever thought Evan’s people could out-influence my people. Puuhhleese, Dakota!” I teased.
His eyes drifted back to the paper, studying the photo with a much more somber expression than I’d hoped for. I also hoped he wasn’t reading any of the article—he needed to hear the whole story from me. My day of reckoning was close at hand.
He licked his lips and asked, “Where did this happen? Why? How long have I been unconscious?”
“At the airport in Texas. Because my dad was furious and Evan’s dad has a smart-ass mouth that needed punching. You’ve been unconscious way too long, babe. It was six days. Six of the longest days of my life. Don’t do that to me again.”
“And they sided with your dad…just like that?” He asked, clearly bewildered with a dash of WTF.
“No, they sided with you. My dad throwing that punch merely got people actually investigating what happened instead of just following the pack of reporters that were in the pocket of Evan’s dad. Stupid things like facts are being bantered around now.” Guessing now was as good a time as any, I took a deep breath and said, “See? You won’t damage my prep-school, Bible-toting, helping-old-lady-crossing-the-road reputation.” Another deep breath, this one from all the way down in my toes. “And as for your other argument—that Evan will never leave you alone or that he might try to go after my family or yours—I’m not worried about that one either.” My eyes met his and my heart stopped beating. “Evan won’t ever hurt you again, Dakota. He won’t ever hurt anybody again.”
“Yes, Trystan, he will. He will always….”
He stopped talking and I heard a gasp come from him. I watched the reality of my words sink into his mind. The finality of my words. My heart felt frozen. When the cops took Evan’s life, no matter how much he deserved it, I knew the man I loved would finally be safe from that mother fucker. Evan had been a waste of good air on this earth. Dakota was right—Evan wouldn’t have ever stopped. He was dead now and I was glad. Justice had finally been served to that asshole.