Cassidy
Shit! Whoever said kids don’t notice stuff they were so wrong! His intense stare glues me to the spot. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here if anything? Do I wait for him to answer Cameron, I want him to out of morbid curiosity although I think I know the answer.
After finding that photograph of us on my pillow, I think I know how he feels but I want to hear him say it. I need to hear him say he still loves me and is willing to stay here with us and not leave again. I know he’s promised me once since he returned but I’m not sure if he was saying what I wanted to hear.
“Of course, I love her.”
He doesn’t shift his gaze from me as he answers Cam. Instead of answering or acknowledging that I’ve heard, I swallow hard and suddenly lose the rest of my appetite. Wrapping up what’s left of the chips I make as much noise as I can with the crinkling of the paper and get up from the floor. Oh my gosh! What do I say now? He’s going to want me to say something, at least expect an answer. I know I love him, there’s no doubt, but I’m too scared to say it.
“Mum, I’ve had enough. Can I go back to my game with Uncle Dale now?”
“Yes, sweetheart.”
He runs off and back upstairs while I head into the kitchen to throw the rubbish away. Elliott stays in the living room while I potter around the kitchen, cleaning up for them. I’m sure he knows why I’ve stayed in here and I’m positive as to why he’s in there still. The distance between us at the moment is huge, I don’t think I like it. We’ve been getting on so well. Just a small innocent question can cause the biggest cavity in any relationship. I peek a look around the door, Elliott is sitting on the couch, his elbows leaning on his knees with head in his hands. Everything in my heart is telling me to go to him, speak to him, tell him... but I can’t. I’m too scared.
Trying to keep myself busy is harder than I thought.
“Cass? Turn around.”
I didn’t hear him walk in here. My chin trembles as I feel the tears coming on, my emotions getting way too much for me. I carry on wiping over the sides instead of doing what he asks.
“You’re going to wipe away the surface of the worktop if you’re not careful.”
I stop wiping but still don’t turn around.
“What did you want me to say?” He asks as he gently turns me to face him, shrugging. I mimic him because I don’t know how to answer.
“Did you want me to lie to him?”
“I don’t know.” Sighing, my gaze drops to the floor.
“If I lied to Cam then I’d be lying to you and I promised no more secrets, no more lies, only truths. I will always love you Cass. I always have even when I wasn’t here. You stayed with me and if you want me to hide that from my son then you don’t know me as well as you thought.”
His soft wet lips kiss my forehead, threatening to break me. Tears fall unashamedly from my eyes, my forehead fall against his chest as his arms circle me, holding me. I’m not sure why I’m even crying, I’m just one big emotional mess these days and it’s all Elliott’s fault.
My head raises to look at him, his powerful stare searching mine.
“I’ll just finish cleaning up and we better get going.”
He doesn’t answer, his look vacant. Not being able to stand seeing him like this, I walk away. Entering through the door of the bathroom, I lock it behind me, so no one can disturb me. I throw some water on my face and pull myself together. I’m sorting this out once and for all, I can’t keep going on like this.
Knocking Dale’s bedroom door, I tell Cam to come and give me a hug because we’re leaving now and tell Dale thanks. Not wanting to interrupt the game Dale puts a hand up and tells me no problem.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then Cam?”
“Yeah k, bye Mum.”
I’m sure I look a right picture at the moment with my mouth gaping open in disbelief. Shaking my head, I walk down the stairs and grab my bag.
How does a day turn to shit so quick? The worst of it, it’s all my fault….
Walking out to the two cars, I grab the fob to open mine when Elliott speaks up.
“We can take mine if you want.”
“It’s okay come on, I’ll drive, it seems pointless you driving when I can drop you off.”
He nods and locks his car back up and waits to get in mine, looking at me over the roof of the car, observing, but I break his stare by getting in the car.
No words are relayed inside the car, both of us stuck in our own heads. Parking up the car, Elliott, gets out before me waiting and we walk to the doors of the pub in silence. Before he can walk through I stop him.
“Elliott?”
He stops but doesn’t look,
“Can we talk about this later, please?”
Nodding, he says nothing else and we walk inside. Elliott walks past the bar and into the other room to set up his gear.
The pub is packed tonight, I haven’t had a minute to myself. I hate how we left things tonight, the sad, vacant look on his face killed me and I intend to fix this later after work. I’m not even working the other room, so I can’t slip in to see him either. Ugh, this sucks!
“What’s up with lover boy? He’s got a face like a smacked arse tonight.”
“Carson, not tonight, please?” I sigh. I carry on serving customers while he stands there doing jackshit, watching me closely.
“Carson are you going to work tonight or just stand there staring at me? If you are going to do some work, there’s a girl up there at the end with big breasts waiting to get a drink.”
His eyes dart to the end of the bar, he moves round me and heads up the other end. I knew that would work. Dirty bastard. I don’t need his shit tonight I have enough problems with one certain male without having another for fucks sake!
The music and the gruff of Elliot’s voice comes to a stop leaving me feeling bereft, like someone has taken my comfort blanket from me. That’s what hearing him sing does to me. I know I’m not going to get off this bar tonight until closing time, unless Carson lets me have five minutes. I know Carson has been out there to him, but he won’t tell me what he’s said.
I realise I’ve worked non-stop for four hours and I’m entitled to a break so I’m having one.
“Carson,” I shout throwing the wet cloth at him that I’ve just wiped the bar with, “I’m taking a break.”
“What? Have you seen how busy it is? You can’t go on a break now.”
“Yes, I can and I am. You can cope, I’m sure.”
He looks around at all the people waiting to be served.
“Cass! Wait!”
Instead of answering him I raise my middle finger up and wave it at him.
“I’ll be fifteen minutes.”
I hear him shout ‘fuck’ as I carry on further away from him and just laugh. Pushing open the staff door, I stop. Elliott is sitting there with his head back against the cushions on the small couch that we have in here, tapping his foot to the background music he left playing while he has a break.
“Hey.” I say gently. His eyes open, a small smile crosses his lips and he pats the seat next to him. Taking the few steps to the couch, I sit down next to him, our thighs and shoulders touching as I lean back.
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
“So am I. I acted like a child,”
“No, you didn’t. We’ll talk later after work yeah? I’ve made Carson give me a break, I’m absolutely shattered, that dickhead has hardly been behind the bar... have you seen how busy it is? Well fuck him he can cope without me for once!”
“You’re sexy when you’re angry, do you know that?” That sexy smirk lines his face.
“No, I don’t, and I doubt it.”
“Yeah you are. You’re sexy all the time but when you’re angry, your lips pout, your forehead here crinkles and your eyes turns to a shade of blue velvet.
“Hmm, I didn’t know that.”
“Well now you do,” he taps my nose then moves his hand to grip the back of my neck pulling me forward until our noses touch. His lips pucker until they meet mine, pressing against them in a sweet kiss.
“I have to go.”
Nodding, I smile and watch his pert arse walk out the door as I sigh heavily.
Feeling a bit better, I go back out and relieve Carson. I watch him grinning as he tries to serve two customers at once, but he can’t manage it, he’s like a dog chasing his own tail.
“I’ll get that you just ring it up.”
“Oh, thank god. You took long enough,” Carson complains.
“Ten minutes Carson that’s all I had maybe you should get more staff and I can get more breaks, proper breaks.”
“What you mean? We don’t need any more staff.” he scowls.
“You could hire more on a weekend for when Elliott plays, he’s the reason you’re so busy, so stop being tight and hire more or I’m not coming in.”
He frowns, stopping what he’s doing and looks at me. “You can’t do that?”
“Yes, I can. You watch me.”
I point a sarcastic grin at him and walk to the other end of the bar, serving the customers up there before I decide to punch Carson in the face for the sake of it.
I turn from the front of the bar and walk back towards Carson as the bar starts to clear. “You know to say you’re a manager you don’t cope very well.”
He turns his head quickly watching me. “Considering how long we’ve known each other, there’s still things you don’t know about me.”
“But we were so close…”
“Yeah…” He answers, a furrow lining his brow.
“Why did you go away?”
He studies me before answering the question… “It was just something I had to do.” His awkward gaze shifts from mine before smiling at the customer approaching the bar, dismissing the conversation...
“Yes mate. What can I get you?”
I leave him to his own space and busy myself collecting some glasses until I see the bar beginning to fill up again then go back to help him out. I don’t remember much about Carson’s past before Elliott left, I just know what he was like after. He was caring, friendly but so nice. He would make some girl a lovely husband - once you strip him of his bravado he uses as a disguise. He helped me so much with Cameron when he was a baby and even when I was pregnant. I almost felt guilty for saying no to him, but I couldn’t lead him on, it’s not me.
I start to get the bulk of the customers served when the chords of a song start to play. Stopping dead, I don’t have to wait for the words to start before I can tell what it is. Elliott’s deep, husky voice speaks.
“This one is for a very special lady behind the bar. She’s the heart to my soul, I hope she knows that… Cass this one’s for you.”
The words begin, and I smile… The remaining customers that are waiting to be served must think I’m crazy or something because I know I’m smiling like a loon, but they’re smiling with me. The lyrics to ‘If That’s What it Takes’ by Bon Jovi start echoing around the room, making the remaining reinforcements around my heart come crashing down. I try to hold back the tears I can feel pricking at my eyes but it’s hard. I turn around and blow out a long, shaky breath while dabbing my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Ah what a tool.”
Narrowing my eyes at Carson, smacking him on his chest for being horrible.
“Shut it Carson!” I frown.
“I was kidding. Jesus. He’s my mate, course he’s not a tool. I’m happy for ya!”
He kisses my cheek as I smile…
“You two have always been sickly sweet, ugh.”
“Thanks, but we have some shit to work through first and all cards laid out on the table, but I think I’m ready.” I nod smiling again.
“You’ll get there, don’t worry.” His palm rubbing my back to sooth me.
Elliott’s voice attaches itself to my soul as I listen to every single word of the song, enveloping me, telling me he’ll do whatever it takes to get me back. By the time the songs finished I’m a complete mess and have to slip away from the bar to go and clean up.