Cassidy
Sitting in the cafe, my hands cup the milkshake while we laugh and talk about the younger days. Ha, younger days, I’m seventeen but I feel so much older. If Elliott doesn’t come back, I’m not sure what I’ll do or where I’ll go from here - or if I ever get over losing him but it’s not just me anymore.
“Earth to Cass.”
Carson’s voice filters through my zombie state as my eyes blink. I grin, finding Carson watching me.
“You’ll be okay you know.”
“How do you know? He may still come back anyway. You’re talking like it’s a done deal?”
“I’m always here for you. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”
“Neither am I anymore,” I mumble.
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. I need to get back... I need to talk to my Mum, there’s something she should know.”
“Can I help?”
“I don’t think so,” I answer with a shake of my head. His hand covers mine, his thumb softly stroking my knuckles, his eyes telling me he wants more. I'm so stupid, I should have seen this coming. “Carson, don’t. Please.”
“You can trust me, Cass. It’s okay.” he smiles. I'm here for you.”
“No, it’s not.” Swallowing hard, I prepare to tell him my news, the sick feeling in my stomach lurching as I realise Carson will be the first to know; not Elliott.
“I’m pregnant.” His hand slips off mine as he slumps back into his chair.
“Are you sure?”
“It’s been confirmed by the doctor.” I nod, my eyes look everywhere but at him. “So, you see it’s not okay and there’s never going to be an us like you want because you’re my friend. I don’t see you like that, I’m sorry Carson. Really, I am. I’m way too messed up for you. You’re the only one I can count on. I have no one else.”
“You’re not messed up, just going through a rough time at the moment.” He pauses, “I’ll always be your friend, I’ll always be here for you Cass, you know that don’t ya?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” His sad eyes bring my emotions to a head - not that it takes a lot these days. “I’m just going to the toilet, be back in a sec.”
Pushing through the heavy door. I stand in front of the large mirror and look at myself. Smoothing my hands over my tummy I try to imagine myself with a bump, but I can’t. I do know though that I need to tell my mother and it needs to be done today. With my steely determination, I splash some water on my pale face and head back out.
“Are you ready?”
Carson looks my way as I walk back towards him. I feel so guilty, I know I upset him; I can’t make myself want him when my heart is with someone else. He’s a total contrast to Elliott, he’s blonde and blue eyes - he’s got the whole boy next door thing going on. He makes me smile and laugh without trying but I just don’t want him that way.
Elliott will always have my heart.
He nods with a sad smile and stands to hold the door open for me to let me out first. We head back to the car where he takes me home to face the music.
Mum is sitting with a cup of coffee when I get back.
“Hey, Mum.”
“Oh, you’re back? Did you have a nice time?”
“It was okay. Erm, can I can talk to you for a minute.”
“Of course.”
I sit on the opposite chair to her, distance is good right now. “Okay here goes. I know why I’ve been sleeping so much, in fact, I’ve known a few weeks why I’ve been sleeping so much…”
“Go on.”
“Please don’t go mad at me but…”
All the saliva I should have in my mouth is non-existent making it hard to swallow... Breathing in deeply I attempt again. “Mum, I’m pregnant.”
“Excuse me?” Her eyes are wide.
“I’m pregnant.”
“How?” she frowns then suddenly she backtracks, “not how but whose is it and why weren’t you careful? In fact, no, why are you even having sex, you’re a child!”
“I’m not a child, I’m almost eighteen and what do you mean, ‘whose is it?’ It’s Elliott’s of course! I don’t sleep around, mother, and before you ask yes, I’m keeping it. When he comes home I’ll tell him and we’ll raise it together.”
I sound a lot more confident than what I’m feeling.
“You seem to have it all planned out, so is he back?” Her eyes narrowing as she questions.
“Not yet but he will be.”
“You seem confident... I thought you were seeing Carson. He’d be much more appropriate than Elliott.”
“I’m not with Carson I don’t think of him like that you know I don’t. I love Elliot and when he comes home we’re gonna be a family. You wait and see.”
She stands and walks towards me before crouching in front of me. “I think you’re in for a huge fall darling and if he comes home what makes you think he wants a baby? He wouldn’t stick around when you asked him too so what’s a baby going to do?”
“Why do you hate him so much?”
“I don’t think he can step up to the plate, he's a musician, he can't be held down. I think you could do much better. I thought better of you than this. I’m very disappointed Cassidy.”
Why does being told you’re a disappointment sting more than someone having a go at you? Why doesn’t she shout at me instead - that I can take? My dad walks into the room with questioning eyes. He holds his arms out for me. I tumble into them and cry into his neck. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay and don’t worry about Elliott, I’ll be here. If he doesn’t come back, you’ll always have us. Maybe it would be good if he doesn’t come back....”
Looking up at my Dad, my eyes wide while his hand strokes my head, my disbelief showing on my on my teary face. He looks at Mum with so much contempt, he bends and kisses me telling me I'll be fine then walks from the room without uttering a word to her.
Running up to my room I fling myself on the bed. Their voices are loud as they argue. My eyes wide as I hear the word abortion. Shocked to the core, no way will I get my baby aborted. She can’t make me.
The door slams and Dad’s car starts up, the wheels toss up the gravel from the drive as he pulls away. Getting under the covers, I cry again.
Where is Elliott when I need him…?
Six Months Later
Elliott’s not coming back.
He’s abandoned me.
I’m all alone.
I stand in the mirror and look at my growing bump. My baby. A tear slowly makes its way from the corner of my eye down my cheek until it falls from my chin. It’s nothing new, it’s all I do anyway - cry. Or I shout, I’m so angry all the time. I want him to come back and tell me he loves me, that there was a perfectly good explanation why he didn’t return and why I’m doing this all by myself.
My palms softly rub my bump in small circles. A ragged sigh leaves my lips, a sob following it. Pulling on my t-shirt until it’s sitting comfortably over my bump with a pair of leggings I head downstairs.
“You’ve been crying again.” She states as a matter of fact.
“So, what?”
“It has to stop it’s not good for the baby. I told you months ago he wouldn’t come back but you wouldn’t believe me. I hate to say I told you so.”
“Mother, shut up. I’ve had enough of hearing you put him down all the time.” Walking from the kitchen, I slip on my trainers and head out the front door and start walking.
I end up at Carson’s. He takes me into his arms and lets me cry. I heave out all my emotions, sadness, anger and shoulders it, holding me tight telling me everything will be fine. I don’t see how but it soothes me anyway.
“Carson, you’ll make such a good boyfriend to someone one day.”
He looks into my eyes, his jaw tensing, his mouth opening and closing as if he wants to say something, but nothing comes out.
“Yeah... maybe.”
Leaning forward to kiss his cheek, his head turns, his lips brushing against mine. I spring back away from him with a frown etched to my forehead as he hangs his head.
“What are you doing, Carson? You’re his best friend.”
“I can look after you Cass. Please.”
Shaking my head… “I can’t. I’m sorry. Don’t make things harder for me, please?”
Moving away from him, I sit on the edge of the chair, my hands fidgeting, “I just need a friend…”
Standing from the chair I walk towards the door before his voice stops me…
“I’m sorry. I’ll always be your friend, no matter what. I promise, you can count on me.”
I turn back, smile and leave.
I start the lonely walk home, stopping off at the park. Sitting on the empty swing, I watch the small children laugh as they slide down the small slide, my hands once again hugging my bump.
This baby has me. Who do I have?
It’s time to start living my life for me, I know though deep down in my heart, I’ll always pine for Elliott chase, no matter what. He’ll always have my heart.