Cassidy
God, I’m so late for my shift. Turning the steering wheel to pull onto the car park at the side of the pub, I find a space and turn off the engine. Lifting my arm, I see it’s seven thirty. Shit! Running around the side, I hear music playing. Carson must’ve found a gig for tonight, great, that means we’ll probably be busy. I push the door open and start walking through the people lining the bar. It’s starting to fill up already. Seeing Carson behind the bar serving makes me feel guilty even more than I already do.
“I’m so sorry, Carson. Cameron wouldn’t go to his nan’s. He wanted to stay at home, I mean really, he’s nine! Like I’ll let him.” As I’m rambling away, I realise he hasn’t said anything, he’s usually easy going anyway but tonight he has the look of ‘deer in the headlights.’ I stare back at him. “Carson?”
“It’s fine, Cass. Just get behind here will you.” He tells me with a slight furrow to his forehead.
He carries on serving but keeps a close eye on me watching me as I walk through to the other end of the bar. A velvet voice starts singing as I push through the staff door. I know that voice! My heart drops, my body goes rigid and I feel the food I ate earlier churn in my stomach threatening to come back up. No, it can’t be. Can it? I shake my head but as I push through the door his voice comes through the mic again. That voice, I’d know that voice anywhere. It spoke to me and sang to me so many times, it was the same voice that promised me things and also broke those same promises.
He left me. He left and didn’t even look back, not once. I cried for months after that. There was a time when he said he’d never leave no matter what, but when the chance for his big breakthrough came...he was gone like the wind.
Now he’s back, it seems. I finally get myself to a place where I’m okay, happy with my life, now what? Why now? Carson runs to the end of the bar and stops dead. My head snaps to his wide-eyed stare. “Cass?”
“I haven’t looked. I don’t think I can. Just... is it him?” I question abruptly. Carson nods, no more words needed. With a nod, I carry on through the door, drop my jacket and handbag and take a minute to calm myself down. My heart is racing, and my hands are shaky, I have a glass of water thinking it may ease them….it doesn’t.
“You can do this Cassidy. It’s been ten years, after all - with no contact,” berating myself in the mirror, putting down the glass. Blowing another shaky breath out, I shake my hands out, then drink the rest of my water. My head is high and put on my game face. “Let’s do this.”
Walking back out into the bar, I see Carson is still serving. There are a few punters lining the outside of the bar but not too many, so I collect the glasses from the tables nearest to it, I don’t go out to the other room at all. Carson or Sam, the other barmaid, they can get them. I round the bar to serve some waiting customers as Sam turns to me. “Have you seen the new singer Cass? He is fucking HOT!”
“I haven’t, I was late,” I answer disinterested.
“You need to look, like now!” Sam says in an excited state.
“I can’t, I was late. I need to work.”
If I act like I want to know I won’t be able to hide the hurt and sadness I felt all those years ago, that soon turned to anger. I hated him for not coming back to me. I suppose I should have known he’d rock up at some point, I mean... his Mum has just died - well recently, but maybe that was a reason for him not to come back - or that’s what my unreasonable mind thought anyway.
Sinking back into my mind, I think of the last time I heard from. He kept his promise and wrote to me a few times, I’d take the letter upstairs lie on my bed and read his words as the tears would fall from my eyes. I’d hear his voice as it whispered to me sending me into a downward spiral of depression - I just wanted him near me, with me again. I started to hide the letters in a drawer where my mother couldn’t find them, she was always bad mouthing him, saying I was too good for him and he’d find someone else instead. Eventually, though the letters stopped, I hadn’t had a letter in weeks, I’d even wait for the postman just to watch him walk right past my house.
I wondered all the time how much of a good time he was having when I was stuck here miserable and crying at every single song we shared. Everywhere I went, there was something. A word, a place, a stupid swing on a park - god we spent hours in that park. I was seventeen, in love and thought nothing would ever break us apart, how stupid was I?
There was only one other love of his life and that was music... I was just never enough to keep him, I came to the conclusion that he didn’t love me like I loved him, and I’d never be able to measure up.
Bringing myself back to the here and now and forgetting the past, his voice is soft and melodic, as he sings Through the Barricades by Spandau Ballet. Just as it was ten years ago but a little deeper more mature maybe, it travels through me just like it used to all those years ago. His voice is the kind that wraps around you like a comfort blanket lulling you to sleep. Sam clicks her fingers in my face breaking my trance. Walking from around the bar I collect some more glasses, the singing stops, time stops for a moment… my head turns and there he is looking straight back at me. His eyes stare into me, probably shocked that I’m still here in this pokey hole town. All those old feelings come rushing back to the surface, but I hold them back.
Rushing past him, I barge through the door of the ladies’ room, my hands rest on the sink as my head hangs down I don’t know whether I can do this? The sassy part of me puts me straight, you can do this! After the second pep talk in an hour, the tears prick at my eyes a pain beginning to stab at me. I breathe in deeply and walk back out. With a brave face painted on, I decide I’ll just get on with my job and pretend he’s not here.
A hand grabs at my arm stopping me. “Cassidy?” His voice hoarse and full of pain. That voice, oh god. It hasn’t changed at all. Slowly I turn, breathing deeply before I face him. Letting the shutters of my heart slide down, I turn, looking him straight into the eyes.
“Elliott.”
“Wow! I don’t know what to say. You’re still here?”
“Yep, some of us can’t just up and leave, I have a life here.” I can’t help but be snide, it’s my way of protecting myself. His face is just as gorgeous as ever, his eyes worldlier maybe... you know like... ‘been there, done that’. Sighing I move away from him with glasses in my hand.
“Cass?”
“Look, Elliott, I have a job to do and I’m not doing it standing here, I need this job.”
“You look good.” He sighs, “more beautiful than I remember.” A pained expression crosses his face.
“Thanks. So, do you.”
Walking away at this moment is probably the easiest thing I’m going to do right now. He doesn’t need to hear what I have to say or don’t say as the case maybe. “I have to go,” I tell the gorgeous bearded god that’s standing in front of me, he looks even more gorgeous than he did before he left.
With every step I take I can feel his eyes burning into me more and more, I don’t look back - I can’t. I walk until I turn the corner and I’m back behind the safety of the bar.
The singing starts again, I ignore everyone including Carson, he really is at the top of my shit list right now, mainly for not telling me. He was Elliott’s best friend back when we were younger, he knows how broken up I was why would he do this? I make sure I keep myself busy, so he can’t stop me to talk if I’m not behind the bar I’m out getting glasses and wiping tables over. I haven’t seen him for a while though. As I turn I’m grabbed and pulled through the staff door.
“What the fuck is wrong with people grabbing at me tonight?” I curse.
Carson’s hands grip onto my biceps to keep me in place.
“Cass, listen to me. I’m sorry. It was out of the blue. He’s back home he was saying he may need to find a job, we needed a singer, I offered it him. I’m sorry.” Seeing the worried expression on his face melts my ice heart for a second.
“Okay, I forgive you... only a little.”
“Did you ever tell him?”
“I haven’t spoken to him in, Ten. Years. Carson!”
I want to stamp my foot like a child having a tantrum to get my point across. “When did I have a chance to tell him? You really are stupid sometimes you know. It’s a good job I’ve known you so long.” He smirks. He knows what a twat he is at times.
“He’s working here Fridays and Sundays, it won’t be that bad.”
Sighing out loud I walk away from him before I punch him. No, of course, it won’t! “Fucking men! Have no clue whatsoever!” I shout, pushing the door open that hard it bangs off the wall and I march away. It won’t be that bad, I just have to work alongside the man that abandoned me for his rock star life.
Once Elliott has finished his set he sits at the bar and has a pint with Carson, while Sam and I clean up and shoo the rest of the straddlers out. My eyes keep straying back to him, talk about a sight for sore eyes. I move around doing my job, but Elliott’s eyes barely leave me. Carson taps the stool next to him. “Hey, babe, why don’t you sit down for a minute?” I frown in confusion, why the fuck is he calling me that? I sit down as Carson’s arm goes around my shoulder. I look at his hand like it a poisonous creature. Elliott doesn’t miss it either as his eyes narrow. Gripping his hand, I take it from where it’s resting.
“So, Cass, how have you been?”
“Fine. just great really,” I answer sarcastically. Not able to sit through niceties I get up. “Excuse me I have a job to finish.” Carson and I get up at the same time, but he goes off through the staff door and comes out with his hands full, handing me and Sam our belongings.
“Why don’t you two get off. I can finish up here. Sam is off like a rocket shouting bye as the door shuts behind her.
“Are you sure? I haven't put the dishwasher on or anything?”
“I'm sure. Ell and I are gonna have a nightcap.” He walks me from the behind the bar and kisses my cheek, “see you later babe.” Elliott’s eyes blaze as they meet mine, but I don’t know how to handle this right now. What the fuck is Carson up to? His blank gaze moves to Carson.
“Forget that drink. I’m tired from driving and playing so I’m gonna head off.” He says eyeing Carson. “Later!”
He storms from the pub, letting the door slam behind him. Turning my angry gaze back to Carson, my hand flies out and hits the target I’m aiming for. The slap echoes in the empty pub as it connects with his cheek.
“Don’t ever do that to me again! You hear me?” I seethe.
“It was a joke.” He exclaims as he rubs his cheek. Shaking my head at his poor humour, I storm away from him and towards the door.
“Some joke!”
“What do you care? He left you!”
“Yeah, he did. But you’re supposed to be his friend.”
Instead of saying anything else I quietly leave.