Cassidy
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! Banging my hands on the steering wheel, I try to rid myself of this frustration, emotion.
“What’s wrong, Mum?”
“Nothing, sweet, I’m okay,” I tell my inquisitive, but sensitive son in the back as I drive away from my past before he gets the urge to come to the car. I give him one last glance before I drive away.
Why, why did he have to come back? Things were fine! Well at least better...I’ve had ten years to get used to the idea that he isn’t around and now what…
Reaching my small, two bedroomed, end terraced house, I pull onto the drive, cut the engine and get out. Before Cameron can run away, I open the boot of the car and grab some bags and pass them off to him to take them in for me. Before I can think about the events of today I take the rest of the bags inside. Emptying the bags, banging the tins and the jars on the side doesn’t help. I’m not even angry, I don’t think - well, I am for him coming back, but it’s more a case just seeing him again. Seeing his face, hearing him play and sing - it drags back too many memories, memories I’d hidden - put to the back of mind and forgotten about. My mum will go apeshit when she finds out he’s back. He’s going to hate me so much after this.
“Mum? Can I put the PlayStation on now?”
Turning to look at my boy, my baby, I smile. “Yeah of course.” The tears spring to my eyes but I won’t let them fall in front of Cam, he walks towards me and puts his arms around me, hugging me. The lump in my throat gets bigger as I struggle to hold it back. “What’s this for?” I sniff.
“Because you’re my Mum and you look like you need a cuddle.”
The lump is the size of a tennis ball, I try to swallow but I can’t. The tears slyly fall over and down my cheeks, wiping them before he can see, I lean over him and kiss the top of his brown-haired head. The same colour hair as his Dad’s. He looks just like him, he even has his ways. He sleeps like him too, my breath shudders.
“I love you, Cam. Now go play.” Kissing him again before he runs away. He heads upstairs to his bedroom. His PlayStation was a Christmas present from Elliott’s Mum and Dale, he couldn’t believe it. He never knew of course where it came from, I just said it was a surprise. I made Dale and his Mum not say anything to Elliott, but Cameron never knew the amazing woman for what she was because I was so selfish. I wouldn’t talk about him and I didn’t want to answer questions., but on the other hand, I wanted him to have his dream. We all paid big-time for Elliott’s dream. How could I do that? If I had to sit down and write down all of my regrets, that would be the top one, that and not letting on to Cam that she was his Grandmother. I would’ve made sure they had a relationship. I’m such a bitch!
I spend the rest of the day hiding in the house. Cameron has picked his favourite film, we’re ordering pizza in, then we’re going to watch it together. He comes bounding down the stairs and into the living room with his DVD.
There’s a knock at the door, and I can see the pizza delivery man on the other side of the door waiting. “Wait there. Set the DVD up.”
Grabbing my purse first, I answer the door and pass some money over.
“Cameron,” I shout, I pass him the bottle of Pepsi while I shut the door and grab the large pizza and fries. We have a picnic on the floor of junk food and watch Toy Story for maybe the hundredth time, but he loves it.
After we’ve finished eating, he’s tucked into my side while we watch the rest of the film. “Mum?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“Who was that man today?”
For the second time today, my stomach churns at the thought of the man that shared my teens, the lows, the highs, the only man I’ve ever wanted and probably the only man I’ll ever want.
“Just a friend.” My brow creasing with a frown as I put Elliott and ‘friend’ in the same sentence.
“Have I met him before?”
“No, sweetheart. Watch the rest of the film before it finishes.”
He settles his head on my lap and returns his attention to Buzz and Woody. By the time the credits are going up the screen, Cameron is softly snoring away.
Gently shaking him awake, I tell him it’s time for bed. He goes up the stairs sleepily and I tuck him in, kissing his brow.
What have I done? I should have told him about his Dad, I should have told Elliott.
The next night at work is a blast. Elliott and Carson aren’t really speaking for some reason and Elliott has the look of a grumpy bear who has just been woken from hibernation and is firing the evils at me.
Sunday nights aren’t as busy as Fridays, I get time to breathe a bit. Standing here though hearing his velvet voice isn’t doing me any favours. Especially this song, Always by Bon Jovi, he’s a big Bon Jovi fan and sang it all the time, then I used to think it was so depressing but after he left it was all I listened to. I remember him telling me he’d never leave me. God, I’m so naive.
I tried to put Elliott Chase to the back of my mind for so long, except for the everyday constant reminder of him I’ve had in the shape of Cameron. I can’t do this anymore I need to pull up my big girl knickers and sort this out.
An hour later I see Elliott approaching the bar. Sam walks up to serve him, pushing her boobs out as she seductively says his name, I quickly I stop her. “I’ll do it Sam.”
“Spoilsport! Okay but I get him next time. Anything so I can drool over that specimen.” With a sigh, I walk away.
“Same again?” He nods and looks away. “Elliott?”
“What?” He spits but doesn’t look at me.
“Can we talk, later... maybe?”
He turns his face to me. I can’t read how he’s feeling right now, there was a time I could read him like an open book.
“Now you want to talk? Okay let’s talk, I got twenty minutes.”
“I can’t do it now I’m working.”
“On your terms again, Cass?”
“Elliott, I know you’re a little angry…”
“What do I have to be angry at Cass?” Not giving me a chance to answer he carries on. “So, you slept with someone else and had a kid.” He cuts me off. I look across to see Sam studying us. Hasn’t Dale told him Cam is his?
“Elliott please, not here?” I pour his pint and place it on the bar in front of him.
“Fine!” He turns on his heels with a look of contempt for me and storms back towards the stage. His light-blue jeans emphasise every curve in his arse, his t-shirt clings to the broadness of his shoulders as I watch him walk away from me again. How many times I’ve gone over that day in my mind in the last ten years has been too many to count.
“Do you have to go?”
“Cass this is massive. This could be the big time. I promise three months and I’ll be back. I’ll write to you every week and call you every day. I love you. Always.” I nod. My lips touch his in a wet kiss from the tears that have streamed down my cheeks. He kisses me one last time. My hand is in his and I refuse to release him until I have to.
As he backs away towards the coach our hands part, he blows a kiss as he walks up the steps then turns and takes his seat.
“Cass! Daydream in your own time. Customers need serving!” Carson says before stomping away grumpily!”
Snapping out of my daze, I get on with my job until it’s time to talk with Elliot, anything to keep my mind of it.