Natalie

 

Have I stepped into some type of Twilight Zone where everyone is out to get me? First, I’m successful in getting away from the bastard that turned my life upside down. But now, he’s doing his douche crappery from afar, and he’s going through my boss to do it. He’s made a bogus accusation that he’s Keith—or I should say Luca’s—younger brother. What the fuck?

Or is it that Kei—I mean, Luca—is trying to let me down easy, and he thinks this is the best way to do it?

“You don’t have to lie to me. I get it now, there’s no emotional connection between us whatsoever,” I reply, feeling myself die a little more inside.

He chuckles. How the hell can someone find this situation even remotely funny? He’s all but ripping my heart out of my chest, and he’s fucking laughing about it. What did I do to deserve this? I did what I was supposed to do when I was younger. I didn’t talk back to my elders. I got straight A’s in school. I did everything my parents told me to do and then some. So, why I ask, is the entire world going against me?

“It’s not even about that. I wish to God I was lying, but I’m not. Jake just came to me today, delivering some less than stellar news. That’s when I began noticing the similarities. Everything he did reminded me of myself at his age,” he chuckles once more, swiveling his chair away from me. “It turns out, I was right.”

“But, Keith—”

“That’s not my name, Natalie,” he responds, facing me with a stoic expression on his face. “Keith Shaw is just a guise I made up a long time ago, and paid a lot of money to keep it that way. Luca McKayne is my real name; one I thought I buried a long, long time ago.”

Is it odd of me that I want to ask him why he needed to ‘bury’ his identity? Is it also wrong of me to think I may be working for a secret serial killer or something? I don’t think it would, but then again, I’m not fool enough to ask him the second question. What if he really did turn out to be some crazed homicidal maniac auctioning off my body parts on the black market?

As I sit, my eyes never once leaving him, I stew on what all he’s told me. I can’t be upset with him any longer. He did give me a little glimpse into his life, but now, I find myself wanting more. It’s like a sickness that’s festering inside of me. I need more to know why he would do such a thing. No person in their right mind would get a new identity without something hardcore going down.

“I bet this is when you’re going to get up and smack me. Tell me I’m a pathetic son of a bitch for lying, then storm out.” He whispers the words, clearly thinking I can’t hear him from all the way over here. The fact that he sounds so despondent while he utters those words strikes a chord in me. I’ve never heard someone sound so defeated before.

“No,” I reply, surprising both of us as he turns toward me. “I was actually going to ask why you would change your name? I mean, Luca is a pretty sexy name if you ask me.”

What the fucking hell am I doing? Luca’s a pretty sexy name? Instead of asking that, I need to be asking why in the crappy crapperson would he change his damned name in the first place. Everything about this man screams hands off. But, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my head and body to agree. My mind is screaming for me to leave the crazy to play by itself. But, my body is warring over that, demanding I stay; to see if he gives me another piece of the puzzle I’m desperately trying to solve.

“You’re not freaked out by this?” he asks, taking a hesitant step toward me.

Hell yes! My mind screams, but yet again, my body overrides my mind. “No. I just wish I knew why.”

If he comes at me with a fifteen-inch machete, I don’t give a shit, I’ll beat the living fuck out of my body while I limp away for dear life.

He sighs, looking down toward the floor looking defeated and lifeless. “I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. You should just be thankful I gave you as much as I have. I just can’t believe you haven’t went running for the hills yet.”

“Why would I run?”

Bringing his eyes back up to mine, I’m taken aback by the need to be accepted shining in his brown irises. “Because … everyone else has.”

It absolutely breaks my heart to see this strong, virile man look anything but just that. It seems that whoever he’s trusted in the past—and I know that at least has to be someone—ran off before he could get them to see things from his perspective. Yes, his situation isn’t ideal, but it’s his situation. Every person that I’ve come across has had their own personal baggage, Keith—I mean, Luca—being no different.

Stand up, I try to stop my limbs from shaking in terror as I make my way to him. He looks like a scared little child, and it just simply crumbles me. I can’t bear to see him like this. I want Keith to be the man I fell in love with… And yes, up until now I thought I just liked him. But no, I see now that isn’t the case. I love this man, and that includes every aspect of his fucked up life as well.

Coming to a stop in front of him, I raise my hand to place it against his face. Feeling his five o-clock shadow scratch my palm, I almost jump in happiness when he turns his face into my outstretched hand, letting a sigh of contentment slip past his well sculpted lips.

“Every person has baggage, Kei—I mean,” I give him a timid smile, watching him give me a tired one in return. “Luca. Just because you come with more, doesn’t make you any less of a person. It just means you need someone now, more than ever, to help you carry the load. You have to trust that not every person you come across will betray you.”

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing right now. Going into this type uncharted territory can lead to one of two things. He can either balk at what I’ve said, further hurting me. Or, he could accept what I’ve said at face value, and not think I’m trying to trick him into being with me. I know my messages from earlier won’t help me out in this situation, and I can’t help that. I was drunk when I sent them, and I wish the God I could take them back now after hearing what I did.

I know now that there’s never going to be another man for me. Yes, I know I’ve said there’s no second chances in my book for anyone. But, is that how it should be? People make mistakes all the time. Hell, it was my entire fault I fell out of contact with Angelia. And since I finally sucked up my pride and heard her side of the story, I’ve come to realize that things are not what they always appear to be. That even though it doesn’t look so good on the outside, doesn’t mean it’s completely unfixable on the inside.

This man standing before me is fixable, and I need to push my own esteem issues aside and help him. Yes, I wish things weren’t as fucked up as my ex-boyfriend being his younger brother. Now that, I never saw coming. Neither of them act anything alike. But, does that mean I need to turn away from Keith for good? No, it doesn’t. I, myself, know he isn’t anything like Jake; that whatever happened, isn’t his fault when it comes down to the grand scheme of things.

“You’ll have to work with me here, okay?” he meekly responds, catching my gaze. “The last time I trusted someone, they almost took everything from me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I answer honestly. “Now, who do I have to bitch slap?”

My quip catches him off-guard and forces a tired chuckle to escape from his lips. I see that his eyes are shining just a bit brighter, and I can’t help the feeling of warmth that spreads through me to know I’m the cause of it. He may have been angry and upset when I first showed up about the texts, but now he’s as calm and collected as he’s ever been. It even appears as if the weight of the world has fallen free from his shoulders, and dare I say, I love the relaxed look he’s giving me now. It makes my world shine just a bit brighter to know I’m the cause of his recent change.

“I dare say the last person would have to be Jennifer. You know, the red head you can’t stand that threw herself at me.”

“Well then, be prepared for some fireworks, because if I have to, I’ll work my way down the list staring with her crap lousy face.” I grind my teeth at the thought of her ever deceiving this man.

“Duly noted,” he sheepishly replies. “But, there is one other thing. Can I call you Natalie instead of Ms. Bennett—I really loathe formalities?”

“On one condition,” I say brazenly.

“What’s that?”

“Kiss me.”

He stiffens in my embrace, never once taking his eyes from mine. I can sense he’s warring with himself on what to do, and I wish to God he would just put me out of my misery already. I know I’ve been with his brother. But, that shouldn’t stop him and I from being together, should it? I mean, I didn’t know he was the younger brother until just a few moments ago, and even then, I have no feelings for Jake now. Am I really asking too much, or is this too weird for him to know I’ve been with his brother as well?

“I … I can’t. I’m sorry.”

He steps away from me, my hand becoming cold from his lack of warmth resting against it. Cradling it to my chest, I watch as he sits back down at his desk, cowering in on himself. He looks just as broken as he did when we started this entire conversation, and I hate it. I hate the fact that my being with Jake is causing Keith and I to feel like we’re miles apart.

“Can you tell me why, Keith?” I ask, stepping toward him.

I already have an inkling as to why, and I somewhat agree with him if that’s the case. But, I can’t let it stop me from taking what I want and being happy. Yes, I was with his brother, but that was before I even knew he had one for that matter, and that said brother was Jake. He can’t fault me for doing that. Because if I know then what I know now, Jake and I would have never happened.

Shaking his head, he rests his head inside his upturn palms. “Can you call me Luca? It’s been years since someone uttered it that hasn’t tried to hurt me in some way.” He’s trying to change the subject, but instead of causing a fight over it, I concede.

Swallowing hard, I force my emotions aside as I gaze down at the love of my life. “Luca, can you tell me why?”

I see a small smile play on his lips as his eyes briefly close. “You have no idea how incredible it feels to have my real name fall from your sweet lips.” He adds in a lower voice, probably talking to himself more than me. “I wish I could record it so I can play it on repeat for the rest of my life.”

“You know, you don’t have to, right?” I ask, hunkering down next to him. “Record it, I mean. I’m right here and I can say it anytime you want your name uttered from my lips.”

Taking him right hand away from his face, he turns his head on his other hand to look at me. “You have no idea how much I long for that to be true, darling. No idea at all. I’d give up everything just so I can hear it whenever I wanted to. But I know, once everything comes to light, I never will again.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” I muse, edging closer. “If I didn’t run with you dropping all you did on me, what makes you think I will with anything else?” I make very clear to say didn’t, not contemplated it. Because, in honesty, I was eye fucking that door for all it’s worth.

“Why do you think I keep things the way they are with women? It’s not for my health, that’s for sure. I do that so I don’t have to explain myself. It gets much harder when things need to be clarified. I’ve not had to answer to anyone in close to twenty years.”

“You wouldn’t have to answer to me,” I whisper, hope fueling my words.

I know he feels like I’m some warden or something, which clearly, I am not. I don’t expect to be the woman that has her man tell her what he’s doing every second of the day. I’m my own person, just like they are their own person. If I don’t expect if from myself, then I don’t expect it from them. Simple. That’s how it works in my world. It just hurts me to know that’s not how he’s been treated; that he’s more than likely had to answer to more people than I can ever possibly count.

Sighing, he breaks eye contact and sits back in his chair. I can see that this conversation is about to finish up because he’s closing himself off once more. Instead of taking my advice and trusting those around him that deserve it, he’s withdrawing into himself again. I can see defeat written all over his face, and it makes me angry to see it there. Luca deserves everything that he’s worked so hard for, and then some. He may be crabby when you first meet him, but, once you get to know him anyone can see he’s a big teddy bear wrapped in a muscular package.

“It’s not always that simple. I’m much older than you are, and I’m tired of having to fight a nonwinning battle. Things can never be between us. You need to find someone closer to your age; someone like Thane. I’m nearly thirty-two years old, sweetheart. I’m too old for someone like you. Someone so full of life and promise. Where your life is just beginning, mine is nearing its end.”

It hurts to hear him say those words, yet another emotion breaches the surface—anger. How can he sit there and think he’s nearing his end; that he doesn’t have a right to pursue the things he desires most—and I hope to God he wants the same things as me. I thought all this time that he just didn’t want to go there with me; that I wasn’t good enough to be someone special to him. But, the fact of the matter is, he’s just scared to commit to someone after being done wrong in the past. Every person has the right to be happy, no matter what they did in the past. No, your slate may not be wiped clean. But, that doesn’t mean you don’t matter any less than the next person.

“You’re turning thirty-two, not fucking fifty,” I scold.

Jerking myself to my full height, I ignore the ache in my calves from being hunkered down for so long. The only thing I can focus on is the unadulterated rage that’s simmering beneath the surface. No person should have to live like this, and this is how he sees himself on a daily basis. It’s just no acceptable to me.

“Every person has decisions to make, and the only thing they don’t get a say in the matter is when the Good lord has spoken and it’s time for you to go home. I, for one, agree with that. So, no, if you want something you need to stand up and take it,” I fume, crossing my arms over my chest. “I will not stand idly by and watch as you let opportunity after opportunity pass you by to live your life, that’s just unacceptable, and quite frankly, it’s not how I was raised.”

“And what opportunity do you think I have that I’m passing up on, Ms. Bennett?” he quips.

Placing one hand on the edge of his desk, and another on the arm rest of his chair, I lean down so my face is barely a breath away. “Me. You’re to set in the ways you’ve come accustomed to, that you don’t even see when a good thing is right in front of you,” I say forcefully. “You have me right in front of you. Now, you have the ball in your court. It’s up to you to make the next move.”

Without another word, I lean forward and place a chaste kiss on my jaw. Turning away from him, I walk over to my purse, scrounge through it until I find my wallet, and pull out his card. Setting it down on the top of his desk, I make eye contact with him, pleading with my eyes for him to see I’m here for him and not his money or anything else he can offer me. I want him, and nothing else matters to me as long as I have that.

Yes, there may be obstacles that we have to face. And, yes, we may not have known each other that long. But, when I fall, I fall hard. It’s just up to him whether he’s going to take the step with me, or if I’m going to be alone in my endeavor. I’m tired of waiting to let him know how I feel. I’m tired of trying to get him to see through the lines. I’m no fool by any means, and I know that love clearly does not come over night. But, no person in the history of the world can fake a connection like the two of us have. I was with Jake for a long ass time and I didn’t even feel half of what I feel for Luca.

To me, Luca is it. It’s going to take the end of the world for that to change, and even then, I’d follow him anywhere.