Chanel

 

 

I could already tell from my mother’s tone over the phone that she was ready for battle. She had some shit on her mind and she made that really clear when she rolled her eyes at me as soon as I had walked into her house some twenty minutes earlier. She didn’t miss a beat either. From the moment I came in the door, she was at it. I tried for the longest to avoid a confrontation with her, but the more she poked and prodded, the more impossible it became not to go toe-to-toe with her.

“Mama, please do not keep beating this damn dead horse over the head!” I finally shot out full speed ahead. She’d been talking at me and I was tired of it. With her relentlessly going in on me, and then knowing I had to face the damn devil when I got home . . . I just had enough. “You got you a new life, a new man, focus on that!”

“You should really check your tone, Chanel. I asked you a simple question and you are up in my damn living room . . . in my house acting a damn fool. That’s what you’re not gon’ do. Not today, ma’am. No, no.”

My stress level had been so high lately that I had neither the strength nor the desire to debate with my mother. I didn’t have it in me to battle with anybody behind this decision that I had made to be with Tyler. I knew that everybody was looking at me like I was some kind of fuckin’ crazy. I knew it. Everybody, including my child, but it had to be done.

“Now, if you’re going through some shit, then we can talk about that, but don’t take that shit out on me because I ask a damn question.”

“It ain’t just a question though, Mama. You’re asking about a decision that I made for my life. Just leave it at that. It’s not as serious as you’re making it.”

“Now, that right there is some bullshit. I’ve seen you. I’m your mother. I know that you’re not the same. You don’t even walk around with the same happiness in your demeanor. Your eyes never have a smile inside of them. I know something ain’t right! And since I noticed it from the time you got back with him too many damn months ago . . . I’m asking. Now, you can say however many times you want to, that it don’t have anything to do with me, that it’s not my business, but as long as my grandbaby is affected, it does have to do with me.”

“Mama, you already know more than anybody that I’m never gonna put Rai in a position that’s unhealthy for him. You know that.”

“But it is unhealthy—emotionally unhealthy!”

“Oh my God, Mama! What’s so hard about trusting me?!”

“Because this isn’t right! I saw you when you were with that other guy, Dario. You were happy, Rai was happy, that’s why. I saw how alive you were with that man and in that relationship. I saw how he was with Rai and I know that there was something there. You don’t just walk away from something like that and go back to that. You just don’t. So, what I needed you to come over here today for was to see if today would be the day that you stop feeding me the bullshit.”

I shook my head. She wasn’t letting up even a little bit. I’d never known her to be so persistent about anything before. I inhaled a deep sigh and then puffed it out in the manner that I did when I was young with an attitude. I felt like she was holding me hostage with her burning gaze.

“Mama, look, I didn’t come over here to argue. I’m not going to argue. I’ve already told you all that I can . . . I’ve already told you all that needs—”

She stepped closer to me and locked her position leaning down into my face. “See. That right there. I didn’t miss that. You said all that you can. I heard that, Chanel.”

“It was me talking too fast, Mama. Stop reading more into it than needs to be read.”

I pushed the chair back away from her and rose from my seat. I began to pace around the kitchen until I found myself at the bay window overlooking my mother’s garden. I was so close to tears it wasn’t funny. But I knew better than to cry because if that happened, she would have me spilling all the truth and I just couldn’t do that.

“You must really think I’m Boo Boo the Fool, girl. I’m not letting up on this because it’s one thing to see you unhappy, but it’s another to see Rai going through it with this mess.”

“He’s fine, Mama,” I said turning back around to face her. I folded my arms across my chest and attempted to swallow my frustration. “He’s fine. I know that he was having some issues, but he’s good now. It’s a transition for everybody,” I offered. “I think that if I hadn’t said so much about me and . . . uhh . . . us . . . breaking up before it wouldn’t be an issue. I told too much of what was going on.”

“You didn’t tell too much. You told enough. And you told what needed to be told. He’s a hoe. Always been a hoe, and always gonna be a hoe and you know damn well you deserve better than that, baby.”

“Mama, it’s different this time,” I told her, knowing damn well it was the furthest thing from the truth.

“Is it, now?” she asked, tilting her head as if to decipher any messages my soul had to offer.

My mother made her way over to where I stood without taking her eyes off of me. Her brown eyes bore into mine, accusation sitting right inside her irises. I blinked to remove myself from the unwitting trance that I’d been put in since she began her slow walk toward me.

 “Mama, I love you, but I gotta go. Rai!” I yelled out. “Let’s go, babe!”

I grabbed my jacket from the back of the chair that I was sitting in and proceeded past my mother and out of her kitchen.

“He knows doesn’t he, Chanel?”

I felt as though thunder had just roared through the clear skies unexpectedly. I stopped dead in my tracks as her words dangled in the air and caught me off guard. When the momentary shock wore off, I continued toward the door, determined to escape.

“Answer me,” she ordered.

“He knows what?” I asked barely above a whisper. It was as though someone had knocked the wind out of me.

“He knows what you think that I don’t know.”

When radio silence fell upon the room, I thought I was going to die. I felt nothing that was attached to me. My arms, my legs, my own face. I was numb, and so sure that I was going to topple if I didn’t grab ahold of something—anything.

“Ma, you called me?” Rai asked, suddenly appearing to save the day, snapping me from the place of my near-demise.

“Uh-uh-Huh,” I stuttered, as I struggled to find my voice. “Yes, baby, I did. It’s time to go,” I told him without looking back at my mother.

When Rai walked past me to go and give his grandmother a hug, I seized the opportunity to make my planned escape to the car. I knew that now it was only a matter of time . . .