Chanel

 

 

“There he is!” I beamed upon walking into Rai’s hospital room with his favorite grilled chicken breast sandwich from Barney’s. “You smell all of that goodness?” I teased, waving the aroma into the air. “It’s the bee’s knees, ain’t it?” I winked at him as I pulled his hospital tray over his lap and placed his bag atop the extended arm.

“Ma, really? Can you even be more corny than that?”

“Corny? Boy, please. You better ask somebody. This girl is as cool as they come.”

“Yeah, you are kinda cool,” he said with a bright smile.

My God! He just didn’t know and would probably never understand how I died a few different times when I thought I might lose him. Thank you, God, I said to myself again. It was a constant thing I did now. There was so much to be thankful for—including the fact that Rai hadn’t brought up anything that had happened. I was sure that it would be one of the first things he’d want to revisit. But with one more day before he was to be released, it still hadn’t become a topic and I was grateful as hell.

“I love you, Ma,” Rai told me out the blue after chewing a bite of his sandwich with a mouth full of fries.

“Aww, I love you too, baby. With my whole heart.”

“You sure?” he asked, after stuffing his face with another French fry.

“What kind of question is that, silly? Of course I’m sure. If I’m not sure about anything else, that’s the one thing that I’m absolutely sure about. Now finish eating because that non-hospital food has you a little delirious.”

“I’m not delirious, Mom.” He started to laugh. “I just had to make sure.”

“Okay, Rai, this isn’t funny. What’s going on?”

“Relax, Mom. Nothing is going on . . . not anything bad.”

“I’m listening.”

“I just want you to know that I’m not mad at you about all that Tyler stuff. I know you’re worried about that. I’m not mad at you. I understand why you did that.”

“Okay, babe.” I shook my head as nerves started to get the best of me. That topic was just not one I wanted to broach. “I appreciate that. And I’m so grateful that you’re not upset at me, because I spent a lot of time being mad at myself.”

“All you ever did was love me, Mom. That’s it. You take good care of me and you have a happy kid.”

My heart smiled at his words. Other than him waking up, there was no better news to receive. Rai pushed his table to the side of the table and pressed the button to lay his bed back a little bit.

“You feeling okay, baby?” I asked, standing up to assist, if need be.

“I’m feeling okay, just wanted to lie back for a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

“Mom . . .?”

“Yes, baby.”

“I know what Tyler was talking about that day.”

And right there the room stopped and my air supply cut. I felt like I was smothering as I tried to catch my breath. I felt lightheaded and scared. He couldn’t have just said what I thought he said. And if he did, what was it that he thought he knew?

“When he said that you weren’t my real mother and for you to tell me where you got me from.”

Immediately, my hands flew up to clamp over my mouth. Tears rushed to the forefront of my sockets and began to fall over my hands and down to my lap. I shook my head vigorously from side to side in shock. My worst nightmare had just come to fruition.

“Mama, please don’t cry,” Rai begged. “I don’t care what anybody says, Mama. That was why I went after him. I never wanted the words to come—from him and nobody else. I never wanted to hear that again and I knew that he was gonna say it.”

“But baby . . .” I sobbed. “How did you know about that?”

“I heard Rochelle say it to grandma one day when they were arguing. I was like eight or something like that.”

“So, you’ve known for almost five years? Rai . . .”

“Mama, I didn’t tell you that to make you cry. I told you so you could know that I don’t care about that. You’re my mother. You’re the only mother I know. I’m sad that you had to get back together with him because of that. If I had just told you that I knew—”

“Don’t do that,” I said, sharply. I rose from the chair, wiped my eyes and sat on the edge of my son’s bed and pulled him into a hug. “Don’t you do that. I love you so much, Rai. You hear me?” I felt him nod against my shoulder as he held onto me tightly. “You are my everything. My everything. We have each other and that’s all that matters. Nobody comes in our lives and makes us feel like this ever again. Okay, best friend?”

“Okay, Mom. I love you so much.”

“And I will never . . . ever . . . get tired of hearing that. I love you more.”