A thousand scenarios ran through my head but I knew it was only one that she was referring to.

“Lorraine, wait…”

“How dare you?” She screamed louder than I have ever heard before. So loud my head jutted back.

My hands came out in front of me in defense.

“Just let me explain.” I took one cautious step towards her.

“Stop! How could you do that to me? How could you lie to me and—and go behind my back like that?” She looked at me like I was disgusting her, and it killed me.

“It wasn’t like that at all.” My voice strained.

She shook her head, her face tight with anger. Her chest heaved with her heavy breaths. She was raving mad. I honestly had never seen this, and I’m so pissed it was me that had her at her worst.

“Then what the hell was it like, Dillon?” She spat. “I thought this internship was the one thing I finally did on my own. That I deserved it.”

My face twisted with shock.

“You do deserve it, that’s why I had to…wait, how did you find out?” She laughed with no humor at all.

“My boss came by my desk today to congratulate me on my work so far…he said he was glad he reconsidered my application—that Natalie Becker had a lot of good things to say about me. At first, I didn’t get it—why the hell would your mom say anything to him? How would she even know about the internship? The only thing that made sense was you, I hoped it wasn’t true because then that would mean you thought I couldn’t do it on my own. But you did, didn’t you? That’s why you had your mom talk to him?”

“God no, that’s not true. I mean—I did get my mom to do that but it wasn’t because I thought you couldn’t get it…I just wanted you to get it, I had to make sure you did.” I pleaded.

Her defensive stance didn’t soften at all.

“How did your mom even manage to get him to hire me?”

“Because you deserve the internship. It wasn’t that hard.” Her strong frown told me she didn’t like that answer at all, so I elaborated. “My mom knew him in college, she did the interior design for the firm and they’re friends…he’s a little in love with her though, that’s why it worked.” I laughed once, hoping it would lighten the mood.

It didn’t.

“I can’t believe you would do that to me, Dillon. You…made me feel so small.” My chest clutched at the hurt in her voice.

She wrapped her arms around her small frame, like she had to hold herself together. God, what had I done...

“Oh Lori, that is not what I wanted at all.” I crossed the space between us and grabbed her shoulders before she could move.

She tried to wiggle out of my grasp, but I was just stronger.

“I did not want to make you feel small—or anything else for that matter. I knew that if I didn’t do it, you would be so upset and I didn’t want that for you. I had the chance to do something to make you happy and I took it.” I searched for her eyes but she would never look right at me. Just stare right past me like I didn't exist to her anymore.

“You don’t get to decide those things, Dillon. You’re my best friend, not my fucking keeper—making decisions for me. What the hell possessed you to do that and why?”

Love.

Shit. This was it, wasn’t it? Whether or not it was the right time, it came out anyway.

“Because I’m in love with you. And people do crazy things for love—stupid things, don’t they?”

Finally, her eyes met mine. I don’t know what I expected but she didn’t seem changed at all.

“What the fuck?”

Okay. I wasn’t expecting that.

“I said that I’m in love with you, Lori. You’ve been more than just my best friend for a long time.” I smiled a bit.

The world came apart. Telling her was like repopulating an entire village—it was so powerful to me. It was everything I’ve held in for almost a decade.

“You just think that, because we’ve had sex. You’re confused.” She shook her head. At least she wasn’t yelling anymore.

“No, I love you Lori. Me, Dillon Becker. I have since we were fifteen. I could never bring myself to tell you because I didn’t want to lose you. I still don’t, but I need you to understand why I did what I did. Why your happiness is so important to me. It’s all I care for. You’re all I care for.” I hoped something I say would get through to her. Anything.

“Is that why you wanted to have sex with me?” I should have seen that coming.

“Yes and no…I’ve thought of you like that a million times but it was more about you being safe and not regretting it…you don’t regret it now, do you?” I panicked.

“No, no I don’t.” I sighed with relief.

“You should have told me before.”

“You would have never let me…and you needed this. you deserved it. I had to be sure. Please don’t think that you didn’t earn this on your own, because you did. My mom may have said something but you got this on your own because you’re brilliant and it shows. If this was some favor to your boss he would never have valued your opinion like he does, did you think about that?” I bent to the side to find her eyes.

She glanced at me and then looked away, her lips pursing.

“No.”

“Well it’s the truth. I am so sorry I lied, but I am not sorry that I did it.” It took a while but when she nodded slowly I relaxed a bit.

Her shoulders loosened under my grip and her breathing slowed.

“Are you still mad?” I whispered.

“Not as much.” She murmured. “But I think you’re just confused.” I furrowed my brow.

“What?”

She sighed and shook her head.

“About being in love with me.”

I laughed like she had told a joke. She stared back at me.

“God, no. It’s all I know. All I have known for all of these years. It happened way back in high school. After you were mad at me for about two years. When we were fifteen and started high school together I was so happy to have my best friend back. After a while I started to see you—really see you…all of a sudden you were so beautiful to me. So perfect. And I just knew that you were more to me than a friend. I denied it for a long time but one day I finally accepted it—I fell in love with you back then and I have never stopped.”

She shook her head. Why wasn’t she crying with happiness? I imagined it that way. I pictured anything other than what I was seeing. A blank face.

“You don’t even like girls like me.” What?

“I don’t like girls at all, Lori. All my emotional capacity is filled with my love for you. I don’t have room to even try…the girls I get involved with are the complete opposite of you because I’m trying to…” I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply. “They take my mind off of you.”

“I can’t believe this…” she trailed off.

I dropped my hands from her shoulders. This wasn’t going too well at all. My heart swelled, wishing she was jumping toward me instead of running away from me.

“It’s true Lori, honest.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you…I do.” She stared up at me.

I lost myself in her big blue eyes. I didn’t expect her to say she felt the same way, but I didn’t expect…this.

“I’m not good at relationships at all and I didn’t want to mess something up with you. You’re all I’ll ever want. And I mean that.” I had never confessed this much emotion in my life. Isn’t this what she liked? I thought I was giving her something similar to the stories she reads—a heartfelt declaration.

“Dillon…oh God…” She stepped back and hid her face in her hands. I reached out for her, my hand brushed her shoulder gingerly.

“What is it? If you need time to process, I can give you that. Time to think about…maybe what we can do. If we can do this.” Was she still mad? Did she hate me? she was such a closed book right now.

When she looked back up at me, she shook her head and I braced myself for the blow.

“I don’t need time, you do.” She looked at me with the saddest expression. “I know you mean it, but I could never,” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “I won’t ever love you like that, Dillon. I only see you as my best friend. That’s all, there can be no ‘we’ like that…I’m sorry.”

The air was blown out of me. I might as well have been suffocating. I cleared my throat to hide the sob welling up. She might as well have stabbed me. Cut my balls off and then shot me in the head. It hurt just as much.

“So, I don’t even get a chance? I don’t know to…date you and all that stuff? Try and be something other than your best friend?” I searched her eyes. She held my gaze as she shook her head. The floor seemed to wobble beneath me.

“I understand.” I could barely form words. Thoughts. Feelings other than rejection and…despair. Regret.

I left her room with a dejected walk. For the first time since my Pops died, I cried. Because damn, that hurt. I was in physical pain. I left her room broken. Angrier and more confused than I had ever been because I knew…I knew our friendship could never be the same now that I had told her.

My biggest fear had come true.