I avoided Lori every chance I got. If I heard her in the kitchen, I stayed in my room. When I heard the keys jingle outside, I rushed to leave whatever I was doing and hide in my room.

I couldn’t face her.

I thought I was avoiding her because I was mad…I mean, I was. But I couldn’t face her because I was embarrassed. I had never, ever in my entire life told a girl I loved her. Lori had been the only one but not the ‘in love’ kind. I told her and I got slapped in the face for it. I told her the truth and she persecuted me for it.

I was dejected.

I went through the motions—got up, went to class, worked out until I could pass out, then studied until I passed out and did it all over again. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that’s what heartbreak feels like; what it does to you.

The only thing I had that was anything other than shitty was my spot at USC. I decided to go there instead. Part of me just liked the school better, but another part knew that Lori would be working at some publishing company in New York and…I couldn’t be near her on purpose. Fuck.

That hurt more than anything. I lost my best friend—the one person who understood me, who was always there for me, who could make me smile when all I wanted to do is cry. Now all I do is stop myself from crying over her.

Mom was already looking for a condo for me in Los Angeles. She always asks about Lori. I told her what I did…she was sorry for me too. I just got a bunch of pity, but I knew she had good intentions. She worries about me a lot but I lie and say I’m fine.

Truth is I’m not fine at all.

How could I go back to normal conversation after the last one we had? She told me she could never love me. She told me I would never have a chance with her. What did I expect anyway? I had never been in a relationship. She knows how many hearts I’ve probably broken—the girls who didn’t understand it was a one-time thing. It was never intentional. I thought she knew that. She obviously doesn’t trust me with her heart. It doesn’t make sense. She trusted me with everything else, everything. You were there.

Some days I silently wished she would barge in my room, say she made a mistake and that she loves me that way too. Or that she wants to give me a chance. It’s now the middle of April and that still hasn’t happened. I wanted to hold out longer, or forever because of how scared I was. But it was April eleventh. We’ve been best friends for too long for me to not be there for her on this day.

After class, I stopped and got her a bouquet of flowers. I picked up a random book from the grocery store book section—some crime novel. She would like anything I got her. I went to get her favorite ice cream—banana nut.

She was home when I got there, sitting in the living room. She perched with her legs folded on the couch and a pillow on her lap. She was staring at the television but not watching whatever was on the screen. She didn’t even look when I shut the door.

This day is always hard for her. She was too young to remember her, but I know losing her mother left a hole in her heart. One that she only felt today. Her and Carrie usually talk over the phone if they’re apart. Then she talks to me. I wanted to, but I couldn’t do it today. I couldn’t talk to her and forget everything. I can’t talk to only pieces of her anymore. I was selfish. I wanted all of her. And I was too scared to settle for anything less.

I walked in front of her, blocking the television. She barely looked up. I saw she had been crying. Her t-shirt was rumpled and it stretched across her chest, she wasn’t wearing a bra. My body still reacted to hers. She just looked so sad, I wanted to hold her. But I wasn’t sure she wanted that, neither was I sure I could let her go. I set down the stuff in front of her and slowly unpacked the bag.

She grabbed the book first. Turning it over she read the description as she bit her lip softly. I went to the kitchen to get her a spoon for her ice cream. When I returned, she was staring up at me with big, blue somber eyes. I exhaled heavily. It was too hard not to run to her.

“Thank you.” I inhaled at the sound of her voice—I hadn’t heard it in weeks. All I did was stare at that photo I took of her in the grocery store.

I nodded once and turned to go back to my room.

“Will you sit with me? Please?”

My back was to her but I could feel her eyes begging.

I wanted to. But I was still angry with her for not even giving me a chance. I would have stepped up—taken her out on dates after googling what to do, started treating her how I felt about her and not just as my best friend. But she didn’t give me the chance for that. Is that what I meant to her?

“I…have an exam tomorrow. I have to study. Otherwise I would" liar, "…let me know if you need anything.” I didn’t look at her as I spoke. When I shut my door behind me, I swore I heard her start sobbing.

I didn’t speak to her for another two weeks after that. Leaving her alone on her worst day wasn’t my brightest moment but I let myself sleep at night knowing that I got her something to take her mind off it. She keeps the book I got her on her nightstand now, that means it’s one of the ones she rereads.

It was four days before her sister’s wedding when Carrie called me. I was leaving class—it was all I seemed to be doing—when I answered.

“Hey Carrie.” I answered.

“Dillon! Hi, how are you?”

“Fine. What’s up?” I was sure Carrie knew about what I did. Her and Lori don’t keep secrets.

“I just wanted to check and make sure you’re still coming to my wedding. You are coming, right?” I told Lori I would. Much as I wanted to, I couldn’t go back on my word.

“Yeah, I am.”

She then went into a spiel about all the details. Ryan didn’t have many friends so after much begging from Carrie, I agreed to be one of his groomsmen. I wasn’t surprised he didn’t have friends. His brother was his best man and that’s all he had.

She sounded really excited though. I was happy for her. The wedding was to happen back home in the local church with a reception afterward.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there.” She reminded me about Ryan.

“Thank you…” he sighed and then her voice changed, “don’t get too worked up about Lorraine. You know she isn’t good with her feelings.” The mention of Lori took me back to a darker place I never wanted to see again.

“Yeah, I’ll try.” I lied. I was already finished.

“Good. See you soon.” The line went dead.

Back home I hit the books to get a jump start on finals. I still wanted to finish with a 4.0 even though med school was already guaranteed. I was glad their wedding fell on a weekend so I wouldn’t miss any school. We should leave tomorrow. I only have one class at nine. I should probably tell her that.

I was in the kitchen boiling eggs around seven when Lori came in. This was late for her. usually I run when I hear the keys. I guess I’m recovering.

“Hi, Dillon.” She hid the shock in her voice. She dropped her bag and stood in the kitchen. I glanced at her. Mistake. Fuck. She looked amazing even in slacks and a button up shirt.

“Hi.” I gruffed. I watched my eggs like they would jump out of the pan.

“So, Carrie told me she talked to you today. She said you’re still coming with me to the wedding.”

“I said I would, didn’t I?” I snapped. The eggs were done. I moved around her and drained them, replacing it with cold water.

“She also said you were going to be one of Ryan’s groomsmen. That’s nice of you.”

“Mmhm.” I scratched my growing stubble and started peeling the eggs.

She was still there. Watching me. I wished she would go away so I could stop feeling like I had to say something. Anything to break the silence.

“Dillon, why won’t you talk to me?” Her voice was strained. The hurt became evident and I felt for her on instinct. But then I remembered it was her who hurt me.

I tied up my eggs for the morning and turned to face her. I hadn’t realized I was glaring, but the flush in her cheeks told me I was.

“I don’t have anything else to say. I said everything before and I don’t want to repeat it. The first time was enough embarrassment.” I brushed past her to my room but she followed after me. Her heels clanked against the floor.

“Dillon, you shouldn’t be. I didn’t want that.” She was now in my room. I turned to face her again, not expecting her to be so close. Her body brushed against mine and it was almost enough to make me give in.

“Well, that’s what happened.” I stared down into her eyes. tears were already starting to well up. Fuck. Waterworks are my weakness.

“It was just a surprise, I…I didn’t know what to say.” My jaw jutted in shock.

“You didn’t know what to say? You told me you would never love me. You said I couldn’t even get the chance to be more than friends. Do you not remember that?”

She said nothing as her bottom lip trembled. God, I wanted to kiss her so bad right now. To hold her. something.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, that wasn’t my intention. It’s been so hard these past few months without you.” I shook my head. It was hard for me too, but I couldn’t tell her that.

“Look, Lorraine. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I can’t—unless you’re giving me a chance, I just can’t.” I stepped away from her and sat at my desk.

“Be ready tomorrow after work to leave for Carrie’s wedding.”

“Dillon…” she croaked. “Please, talk to me.” I hadn’t noticed she came near me until her hands were on my shoulders. I flinched away.

“I told you, I don’t have anything left to say.”

“Dillon, we can’t just stop being friends over this! You’re my best friend, Dillon. I need you.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath so I wouldn’t yell.

“I need you too, but not in the same way you need me. Not in the same way I used to.”

“It’s been weeks, Dillon. Surely you can get past this—just tell me that it won’t be like this forever.” I laughed with no humor. Jumping up from the chair, I was in her face in seconds.

“Are you serious? Maybe you didn’t hear me well the first time, Lorraine. I. Am. In. Love. With. You. There is no getting past it. I want you to myself. I want you in love with me too!” I shouted. Her face scrunched up as I shouted back.

“And I want my best friend back!”

“Damnit, I don’t want just half of you, Lorraine! I want all of you. You can’t give me that. So forgive me if I’m not jumping at the opportunity to torture myself for the rest of my life, because I can’t have you. You are all I want and that won’t change.”

Her eyes stared back into mine, unnerving me. But she didn’t say anything. With a dejected sigh and sniffle, she left the room. Breaking my heart further.