I’m utterly sick of being sick, I think to myself as I grab onto the toilet bowl again. This has been happening on and off for ages now, ever since I got my heart broken actually. I guess it’s because I’m not dealing with it anything like I should be. On the outside I’m all fun loving and okay, but on the inside, I’m dying.

I miss Kade. I don’t want to and I know that I shouldn’t, but I do. I miss seeing him across the campus and getting that funny heart flutter, I miss hanging out with him and laughing together like we used to. I miss that wonderful night that we spent together before everything fell apart… I just miss him. The more I try to forget about him, the worse that feeling becomes. I feel like I’m really starting to lose myself completely.

I can’t even find out what’s going on with him, no one here really seems to know, and since it’s been over a month of course everyone has moved onto something else. Popular or not, his sudden unexpected departure can only keep people entertained for so long. There have been rumors that he got kicked out, but I don’t know. I can’t ask my mom outright either, not without raising her suspicion any more than it already is. I keep speaking to her and trying to dig for information without asking but she’s keeping it close to her chest. She must know, she’s too close to the family not to, but she doesn’t wan to share it with me.

I fall back on the tiles and grip onto my sweaty forehead as my panting breaths fall raggedly fall out of my mouth. This is getting silly now, I don’t know how much longer I can take it, if the illness doesn’t get better soon, I might have to go to the doctors and see if there’s something medically wrong with me.

Oh… my… God… all of a sudden, something strikes me that I haven’t considered before. I guess because I was a virgin until very recently this isn’t something I’ve ever had to deal with… but now I can’t think about anything else. We didn’t use protection, as far as I know. I certainly don’t remember a condom in the mix which means… well it could mean… and I have been sick since then which is a sign and I’m late too. Shit!

I leap up and get myself dressed in the middle of a haze of panic. I tug on sweat pants and a vest top, looking more like myself than I have since I’ve started wearing dresses, and I leave the room. Luckily Cindy isn’t in, she had some early morning group that she needed to get to, so I don’t have to explain myself to her. She’s taken a lot from me recently, I think a pregnancy scare might push her to the limit. She’ll hate it.

I wish I could go somewhere off campus to get this test, so no one can possibly find out what’s going on, but I can’t. I don’t have a car or the patience to wait for the bus. I need to know and I need to know now. Even if it’s just to rule the possibility out. I’d rather know that I’m not than worry that I might be.

In the campus store, they sell all kinds of family planning items, I suppose to deal with the constant sexual activity going on, but the pregnancy tests still manage to look seedy among them. At least there is only one option, having a choice might push me over the edge. I wouldn’t know which test is best since this isn’t an area of life that I’m experienced in. I grab the only one, and some other items too as if I think that might disguise what I’m really here for, and I head to the counter. I don’t know the girl behind the desk and to be fair to her she doesn’t bat an eye, but I still know for sure that I won’t ever be able to face her again. If I see her working behind the desk, I’ll turn and run as fast as I can in the other direction.

I grab a bag to shove my stuff in, taking extra care to push the offending item to the bottom of it, and I hurry out. All the way back to my room I feel like eyes are upon me. I have the horrible sense that everyone knows exactly what I’m doing. Almost as if they have x ray vision and can see into my bag.

Burning hot tears prick the corners of my eyes as I imagine the gossip that would ensure if anyone did find out. That would be even more exciting than Kade leaving, especially if anyone put two and two together and they realized that was the reason he’d left. Or not the potential pregnancy because he doesn’t know about that, but me. I would end up the most hated person on campus, especially as my belly grew and grew…

No, I tell myself firmly. It might not even be positive. Don’t get carried away.

I don’t know what I’ll do if it is. Having a baby so young wasn’t ever in my plans. I’m supposed to finish college, to go travelling, to write, to live this care free life before I meet the real love of my life and I get married and have children… but if there is a baby in my belly can I really give him or her up? Can I have an abortion or give the child up for adoption? Can I do that to someone who’s half me half Kade? Oh God, I don’t know, my head is all over the place, I really don’t know what to think about any of it. It’s mad.

I’m not supposed to be the girl doing a pregnancy test alone, but I don’t even know where the father is.

I finally get into the room and I close the door behind me with a bang. For a few moments, I lean against the door and I pant desperately, trying to let some of the sheer terror ebb away before I do this. I need something of a clear head on before I take the scariest test of my whole life. I slide my eyes closed and I attempt to stop my heart from hammering away so hard, but nothing works. I just need to do it to get my answer. I have a feeling that one way or another, nothing will ever be the same for me again.

My steps towards the bathroom are tentative and slow, it’s almost as if I have a lack of gravity and I’m moving as if I’m on the moon. The room that’s become my closest confidant as I throw up constantly is now the enemy. I haven’t been able to think much in peace since Rhiannon and Cindy have been trying to keep my busy, and I certainly haven’t been in the mood for writing anything down in a diary, so all that’s been done here. Now though, it’ll hold my biggest secret and I don’t know if I like that.

I perch on the toilet seat and I run my eyes over the box, but I can’t see much because my anxious leg won’t stop jiggling. I sigh loudly and tear it apart, reaching in for the instructions. They’re long and seem over the top, but I try to read them all carefully. I don’t want to screw it up, buying this test was so traumatic, there’s no way I can go through that experience again. I have to do this once and I need to get it right.

“Right,” I mutter to myself as I try and get it all organized in my brain. “So, I pee on the end of the stick, then I wait for a minute, then I see whether or not my life is about to change forever.”

Why didn’t I think of protection? That was so dumb of me. Maybe I should have made it clear to Kade that it was my first time so he one hundred percent knew that it was his responsibility to think of that. As the most experienced out of us, he should have done it anyway. It seems like he has no respect for me at all.

I yank the test out and try to work out whether I need to pee or not. I’m pretty sure that I do, so I get myself in position. I awkwardly hold the test out underneath me, and I do the dreaded deed. All the while trying to work out what went wrong with my life. If I could see this image of me as soon as I laid eyes on Kade again, I would have stayed away, I’m sure of it. Alone, taking a test, and heart broken. What a pathetic mess.

Once I’m done I click the cap back on and I leave the test on the back of the toilet. Then I check my watch for the time and I proceed to pace up and down the small room while I wait for my life to change in one way or another. As I do, I try to see my life with a baby. Would I make a good mom? Do I have any maternal skills? What will my family say? And what will Kade say? Whatever has gone on here, I’ll have to let him know if he’s about to become a father. Oh God, I dread to think what his reaction will be. He’ll hate me even more than he already does. If that’s even possible. Since I don’t know how he feels, it’s hard to tell.

I check my watch again, only thirty seconds has gone past. I never knew how long a minute could be before. The closer that the time gets, the colder and more full of fear I am. I keep walking, unable to keep still. While I move I continually chew on my bottom lip until it starts to feel sore. This is hell!

“Okay, that’s a minute,” I say quietly. “Time to look.”

Of course, that’s easier said than done. So, when I reach forward with a trembling hand my eyes fall closed and I can’t bear to look. Even if this is negative I don’t think I’ll be the same person. This will have jaded me and I won’t be happy and care free any longer. Not even in a fake way. Or maybe I’ll be just fine.

I pry my eyes open, one at a time, and my hearts stops dead at the sight before me. I guess I didn’t think this could really happen until this very moment, but now it’s more real than ever.

The little blue cross. Positive. I’m pregnant. I really am about to have a baby…

The world spins around me as I attempt to digest this, I feel myself slump to the ground. Kade’s seed is growing inside of me, becoming a human, and I’m responsible for this life. What I do with it will affect me forever more. I could have a baby, be a mom, give up college and have the life I never thought I would have, or I could sacrifice my little miracle and live with the endless guilt that comes with that choice.

I don’t know what to do for the best, I need someone to make this decision for me, but the only other person who could do that has vanished from my life, possibly never to be seen again. He might not even want to acknowledge my existence anymore, which only leaves one other person.

I dread it, I can’t see this conversation going well at all, but I’ll have to call my mom…